Accountability?

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Fcuk. My 14-year old sister lied to me about where she was going last night and ended up getting really drunk. Now my parents've grounded me and my other brother along with her because of it.

Wtf? I know I'm partially responsible because I should have checked up on her more, being the older one, but why the hell do I recieve the same sanction? It hasn't even been a week since I finished my exams for fcuks sake while everyone else around here has been partying for at least a month.

Aside from ranting, I guess what I'm asking is: is this shi+ fair? I realize this is a subjective question and I just want to hear what you guys think.

What a pisser. Some friggin summer break this is turning out to be.

 

Well, it looks like you're 21 yourself, so you can be expected to show some responsibility, sure. Is it fair to punish you for failing for your sister's lie the same as her? Sure not. But your parents certainly know the situation better than we here do. Can't say much without knowing how your or your sister normally behave. I don't think 14 year olds are supposed to go anywhere alone at night, so you deserved some of the stuff that came your way, but when they punish you and other brother for falling for the sister's lie the same hard as they punish her for lying and getting drunk at the ripe age of 14, then something is obviously not right. Sometimes parents and teachers act like that. They can't fathom their little daughter doing anything wrong, so they shift the blame on the boys. Or from cute younglings on the older ones. Sometimes they just panic and punish everyone involved all the same to get the problem off their heads ASAP. Others think that punishing all children all the same will teach them solidarity. I've seen my share of that. I guess next time you aren't letting her go anywhere and if she still goes, phone your parents and let them deal with it. That's what I did when they would punish me for the younger siblings but would also punish me for disciplining them. If it was a no-win for me, what did I care? Let them handle it on their own and see what job they will do, especially without disciplining. As for your sister, well, now you know that teenage sisters in the spring time aren't exactly the most credible creatures on the Earth. You won't win with her hormones, so you'd better convince your parents to cut the leash.

 

If I was in your position to say I'd be angry would be an understatement!
I get the feeling confronting your parents wouldn't be the best idea if at 21 you are still grounding you! At that age you are very much an adult and their actions seem draconian - victorian even, I think this sort of discipline could very easily backfire.
I can however see your parents point of view - they are obviously very worried (as I would be) about your kid sister. I think they are trying the "divide and conquer" tactic - ie. to turn you against each other so you will more readily "rat" on your sister, maybe they are under the impression she went out with your blessings.
I would'nt be suprised if your parents relent - I certainly be having thoughts of voting with my feet at this point. I would personally think of ways I could drive them up the wall so they actually want you out the house. Perhaps accidently turning your music up a bit too loud - hanging around when they like time alone. Just don't be too obvious about it (or they might put you in solitary confinement or something)

 

Naw, didn't really work as our sister is sticking up for us and saying that we had nothing to do with it and don't deserve to be grounded. Our dad just got back this morning and he hasn't spoken to us about it yet though.

I can't believe this. I am bored out of my skull and it's been 3 days. It's Saturday in summer and I'm stuck at home. again.

It's not enough that I can't go out and get wasted apparently. I can't even go see my girlfriend (who's leaving for a week this monday and a week after that I'll be gone for a month) or even go boxing or to the gym. And I can't even play any games at home since the replayability value has seriously gone down after more than 5 play-throughs. ARGH.

 

Um, what exactly does 'being grounded' mean for someone of your age? How do they actually stop you going out and what would happen if you did?

 

Being physically blocked from moving out of the house if you are adult is called "unlawful imprisonment". But the problem is that if you don't listen to your parents, even though you're already adult, they will kick you out, stop giving you money... whatever. If you have a job and can afford rent, perhaps it's the time to move out. Otherwise, well, I guess you have to put up with your parents' peculiar attitude. I remember being told I couldn't go somewhere after I achieved some sort of the age of reason and even after I turned adult, but I always made it clear I wouldn't accept any such rules. Parents have the authority to make up rules about the house, so long as they are somewhat reasonable, they can set terms and conditions for giving you money and whatnot, but they don't own you. Parents do a grave disservice to old children when trying to treat them like kids. It's difficult to resist the first time, but it becomes easier and easier with each following one. Just remember that parents have more experience, better connections, more knowledge and everything, so it's reasonable to listen to them even if you're adult, so long as they don't overdo it, at least.

 

@HB

I guess grounded now means the same thing as it did, say, 4 years ago in my case their house, their rules. kinda silly considering i'm turning 21 this year, but what can you do? don't get me started on my curfew

anyway, I was granted a concession. I just came back from dinner with my girlfriend (after which I had to head directly home) and my dad's already asleep so I hope we get "The Talk" tomorrow already so I know exactly where I stand and what to bargain for

 

How accountable you are depends on the role you played. if you took her one place, but she later left to a second place to get drunk, then that shouldn't be your problem. She should not only answer for getting drunk and for lying to you...

 

similar, but not exactly. she told me she was going to "Abby"' s house (where she's allowed to go alone) but she instead went to "Betty"'s house (where she isn't allowed). Basically she mislead me so that I wouldn't send her with a chaperone.

 

I must say that I find all this incredibly odd. Culture clash on a pretty high level, first, how could you have some responsibility for what your sister does without you knowing? Secondly, you are an adult, true, you live with your parents on their sufferance but grounding somone is incredibly childish and there really isnt any way for them to enforce it except by physically pin you down. If for some reason parents wanted to punish their adult children, hmm, I cant really come up with a way except cutting your funds and if you are receiving funds from your parents at an adult age then perhaps you deserve to be punished.

I have encountered a similar culture clash once before with an American girl, her teenage experiences were so vastly different than mine that I couldnt even begin to grasp it.

 

Well, I have to agree with Gnarfflinger. She should or rather should have been punished for lying, as well, but if she stands up for you and your other brother, it wouldn't be a nice thing to "reward" her like that. I guess grin and bear it and try to make rules with your siblings outside of the parents, which is what I did in my own time and occasionally still do when it comes to family relations. Showing people that what they do doesn't hurt you is one of the best ways to stop them from hurting you. Think in the bigger picture.

 

When I was about that age, my main incentive for complying with may parents' rules was the fact that they were really nice and accomodating most of the time (e.g. they let me borrow their car, they dropped me off at work, Mum did my washing etc). In other words there were many tangible benefits to living at home and staying on respectful terms with them. Therefore, non-compliance with their rules resulted in them getting grumpy and not being as helpful. So it wasn't so much a case of being "punished", but more a case of having benefits withdrawn. I guess that is the same with many adult relationships (e.g. you treat your friends with respect because you want them to do the same to you).

 

@HB

it's basically the same with me but I'm more dependent on my parents I guess. Over here, you usually don't move out unless you're making brickloads of cash and need "your own space" or getting married. The fact remains though: Their house, their rules.