Age differences in relationships.

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Aldazar made a comment in the RB which I thought had AoDA potential. He spoke of how his ex's new boy friend was 36 while she was still just under 24.

Now, I can see a difference in age to some degree being all right, but my question for you all is when is it morally reprehensible?

 

There is a girl on my floor at the University. She is 20 and is dating one of the professors at the University that is 44. She is a music major and he is one of the heads of the Music Department. Needless to say she went from making B's and C's to straight A's in one semester.

 

Well, he probably went from making nasty tests to huffing and puffing and being too exhausted to come up with wicked examinations.

 

@ Dark Haired Beauty:

It would be interesting to know whether her grades did really change and whether that is due to an instrumentalism of the relationship or her improved knowledge due to the better insights she gets into the course work.

I still believe in the magic of true love (that would be a whole new topic to start) and I think that age differences aren't that important as long as both partners are in love and want to be together.

 

Generally speaking, I don't know if any age difference is "morally reprehensible", although sometimes the age differences do raise an eyebrow. One thing to note is whenever there is a big age difference it is almost always the man who is older, and the women who is considerably younger. You don't typically see 20-something men dating 30-something women, but the reverse is quite common.

If I'm pressed for an answer, I'd say any situation in which the person you are dating/married isn't old enough to be your parent, it's OK. So the difference between 24 and 36 I really don't see a problem with.

Now the age difference of 20 and 44 is a bit different. Is that really true love in that situation? I don't know. In this situation the problem isn't only with the age difference, but that the one member of the relationship has a measure of implicit power over the other. Is the woman simply trying to improve her grades by putting out instead of studying? Is the guy just giving her good grades because he's getting a piece of @ss? Again, I don't know. I'll have more confidence in this relationship if it is still going strong when she isn't taking classes anymore.

 

She is dumber than a bag of hammers!


Sorry that wasn't nice. Retracts claws.

Edit: Ok lets just say we went to the movies and I wanted to see "Lord of the Rings" and she replied: "I really don't care much for science fiction movies!" Need I say more!

[ July 21, 2004, 23:52: Message edited by: Dark Haired Beauty ]

 

Are you, eh, jealous on that girl?

 

My sister had a friend in high school. She was 17 and dating a 44 year old. It always cracked me up when I saw them together.

 

I'm 18 and I have a 24 year old girlfriend. I guess she likes me because I'm a bit more mature than my peers. We joke about it often but it's not stopping us and it doesn't feel wrong at all.

 

This is probably going to draw a lot of fire but I actually think one reason it is usually the man who is older is that a man "holds" better than a woman, generally. A 30 year old man dont look all that much different from a 20 year old man and a 50 year old man isnt all that different from a 40 year old man. So for a woman dating an older man she isnt "missing out" on overly much lookwise with an older man but often gains a lot financially wise and security wise.

A man has most often not very much to gain from going out with an older woman, with older I mean the 10+ years difference there often is when the man is older. He would get a less fertile and less "attractive" partner and seeing how our society is built up he probably wouldnt gain much of anything money or security wise.

As for the example you brought up DHB that is just plain wrong. Any educator, on any level, should know much better than to ever get involved with any student anywhere close his domain. That is more than enough to fire him. One of the things I find truly immoral.

 

Hmmm, I don't think that age is an issue an a relationship, as long as both partners are of age.
DHB's example is a whole different story though - partners should never be in a situation where one has power over the other.
Say, for example, that it IS a healthy relationship, but then the girl wants to break up when the prof doesn't...

 

Joaquin -- ROTFL! -- Let me get this straight You think that there's no difference in men's looks as they age, but for women, it's a whole different story?? For a man to date an older woman, all he gets is a less fertile and less attractive partner? LOL (Now doesn't that just beat all.) I've seen all kinds of age differences in relationships and in the Seattle area it doesn't make much difference. It's how they feel about each other that is the real issue. I recently saw on the news, that in a US survey, 1/3 of all women in the dating pool were dating men 20 years or more their junior. I was surprised to hear that it had risen that dramatically -- but, as I noted earlier, it's extremely common here where I live.

As far as professors dating students -- it also is quite common -- and is the butt of many jokes, as DHB so aptly shows. However, that professor/student relationship doesn't have to be a sordid one -- one initiated solely for academic gain. There are many instances where the two people are interested in the same subject matter, involved with the same people and simply fall in love. The best thing to do, obviously, is for the student to avoid having direct classes with the professor, but for those people that I know that have done so, the exact opposite of what you imply has taken place. The professor is harder on that particular student than any other, simply because of the closeness that exists between them. The student, if you will, has to prove herself/himself academically beyond what is expected of other students, to avoid the classic "favoritism" attack. That can be a bit unfair too.

 

You missed my "all that" in my paragraph Spellbound, I was also speaking generally, something one should never do but which I like to do any way. My main point was that, generally speaking, there is a bigger physical difference between a twenty year old woman and a fourty year old woman than between a twenty year old man and a fourty year old man. Especially in the eyes of women who seem to think a few grey hairs lend dignity and some wrinkles class in a man. Most men are not as forgiving of the same in a woman, not to say that they do not exist.

As for the student/teacher relations I thought it was strictly forbidden, or atleast frowned upon everywhere on all levels. Just to not have to deal with the problems brought up here. The only exception I can think of is on the very highest level where people are doing serious research and it is more of a team with the titles "professor" and "student" not really meaing the same as in the classroom.

 

I'm really interested in this topic.

I ended a long (6 year) relationship back in October. For the first time in years I'm actually going out with a wide variaty of women. What's been unusual for me is wide range of ages I'v been out with.

I'm 33 years old, and am in the 10th month of a self imposed year off from work. I have been fairly successful and decided that i sould take a year off and just relax and have fun. I've grown my hair long, and look like I'm about 25 or so.

Anyway, over the past few months I've been out with a wide range of girls ages 19 to 44. I't been kinda wierd going out with girls that are sooo much younger than me....and I've been worried about the age gap. But what I've found is that age really doesn't matter. I've meet a 19 year old girl that is more mature than some of the 30 year olds I know. And the 44 year old is one of the prettierst and smartest women I have ever meet. The bottom line is that IMHO it's not the age that matters....it's the maturiaty and personaliaty.

 

I think it all depends on the maturity of the people involved. If they can handle a relationship with a significant age difference, i say let them. If not, then they should stick to people around their age. (Hey, where's Chev? Figured he would definitely have something to say about this.)

 

At the risk of being beaten with a stick labeled "sexist"...here goes my theory on the older man - younger woman thing...

I think usually between men and women, at least in all of my relationships, I have been the leader. Typically it is up to me to make final decisions about dates and make plans and undo buttons and you get the idea...

A man needs training at leading...I am certainly better at puting the stars in a woman's eyes now than I was at 19. Being passive requires much less learning...

Hence, an older man can lead a younger woman quite successfully while an older woman will look at the inexperienced gropes and gaffs of a younger man with...I don't know...maybe boredom.

 

I know one guy who is married to a woman in her fifties, while he is in his late twenties. But that is definitely not the norm where I am from (South-eastern US). I know another guy in his mid-twenties that is dating a woman in her early-forties. And of course I know several instances where the reverse is true.

When does it become morally reprehensible? All I know is what I want personally. I know I would not want to date a woman more than 15 years my senior, and that's a huge stretch. Seeing as how I'm 23, I wouldn't want to date any female under 22 for maturity and life experience reasons. As I get older, I wonder if that span would increase. Once I'm 33, I would probably still date a 25 year old. But that is just my personal taste. I can't define when it becomes morally reprehensible, because I can't even imagine anything past it. If it floats someone's boat. Hey, ok. It sure doesn't float mine though.

Of course, it doesn't matter right now anyways. My girlfriend is 9 months older than I am. We joke that when she was born, my parents decided to "celebrate". I am most comfortable with someone in or around my age. Once I dated a girl 3 years younger than me, and had a bad experience. That is probably why I do not want to date anyone under 22 right now. But like I said, it doesn't matter. I have an awesome girlfriend. Sorry guys, just have to gush about her.

 

It seems as if, at least to me, age differences matter less as you age yourself. Once above 25, maturity levels even out for most people....and that's what it's all about. I've known some 20 year olds going on 40...in terms of maturity...and some 50 year olds going on 10. I think the differences between, let's say 24 and 18 can be HUGE in terms of the maturity continuum, (though not much in actual years), but the difference between 30 and 45 is hardly noticeable. I have many friends 20 to 30 years apart...older than me, younger than me...it makes no difference -- IF they are mature and good people -- that's what counts.

 

My co-worker is 40 and she has been dating a man 18 years younger than her for the last three years. It is an interesting union. I think to begin with the maturity level of her young man was not much of an issue. It was a matter of sexual compatibility and apparently a young man and a middle-aged woman seem to be a the same level of hormonal sex drive.

Her family have all met her boyfriend and "accepted" him although there probably will never be full acceptance. She, on the other hand, has never met his traditional greek parents and probably never will. She told me that when she first started to date him she thought of it as a fling and nothing else. A year into the relationship they professed their love. They are still together at this point.

The problem I see with their relationship is that there is still a huge maturity gap. When her father passed away last month, her boyfriend was not there to support her because he said he couldn't "handle" death. When the two of them argue they never really resolve their problems. She has the maturity and experience to approach certain issues and her boyfriend is just a young pup who hasn't learned the importance of communication with a significant other. As far as I'm concerned the relationship is wasting her time that she could be spending looking for a compatible partner who doesn't have to hide her existance from his family.

 

My ex (22) is dating a 33 year old. I certainly cannot see her (and she would agree too) being with the same guy in 10 years time, so I'm thinking "what's the point?" She wasn't looking for anything, but apparently this guy is really nice, etc, etc. I am in no position to judge him as I haven't met him. She has pretty sound judgement (for the most part) so I guess we'll wait and see what happens next. Don't know about her taste in guys though; she dated me for godssakes!