Angel that cry's By Agudo

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Agudo Archmage of Light walks up to the bar, in his traditional blue/white robes. He asks all far and near to answer the one question that {a sad female angel} wants to know.

I will tell you a true story…… Now listen, and at the end of the story tell me what she could have done to save all that she loves. I will also tell you what I talked about a few hours ago, with my friends sitting near us now.

((Out of character)) if any would like to have a free copy of the 2 PC ANGEL WALLPAPER just EMAIL me at
agudoarchmage@earthlink.net

(Remember the story is told from a conversation a few hours ago in this bar)

Agudo listens contently to Corwyn, and makes notes of the story in his own book the History of the Realms; that he is writing for many places of higher learning.

Just then Agudo starts to mumble....

Angels…Ang…ANGELS THAT’S IT!!! Now I remember, what was her name… Um ….. YES! Isaura she was, or still is, a painter…. and….

Lady D’win, Lady D’win I believe I do have something that you have been talking about. I must thank Corwyn, for without his… Um red magical … dream… something I would not have remembered. Anyway the point is on my travels through the Realms, I came across a village on the Sword Coast, in Ferun or some such name. The point being I met this painter Isaura, she had painted this most extraordinary angel that had fallen from the sky. According to her she was painting on the beach near the village, when a bright red star like a flash happened in the sky.

Isaura looked up to see a female angel falling from the sky. It hit hard on the sandy crest line. The angel was dazed and confused from the fall, but more importantly Isaura felt this overwhelming sadness, radiating from this fallen angelic being. But this sadness also compelled her to paint this fallen one.

I happen to meet Isaura, when I was in the town square with people who seemed to be laughing at her; because of the story about the angel. Also that she was the only one who could see this so called “Angel from the Sky.” The village people looked at the location it supposedly happened and saw no one.

Now a laughing stock and lacking work for being the town fool! She ran crying to the beach, I of course being a servant of the Light felt my heart go out to her. So I picked up her painting she had dropped and followed her.

When I reached Isaura she said to me with tears in her eyes, that the fallen one would show herself to me if I would just show mercy on her by giving Isaura 500 gold for the painting.

Well I could not help but blurt out that I could purchese half of the poor village for that! But the Light got the better of me, and I cast a few anti-illusion spells just in case and gave her the gold.

Then it began to rain slowly, and Behold! I could see this sad angel by the water. I was truly moved by this sight and shed my own tears. I tell you the truth this was five years ago, but every year on that day Isaura goes to the beach and it will slowly rain to show this downtrodden angel.

I did not bring this painting with me, but with magic I sent word and it will arrive by courier pigeon. Its named {EMAIL} and the painting will be in bag of holding for you D'win. I hope when it arrives you let al of us know if this helps in your writing.

With that Agudo bowed his head in sad memory of what he saw.

Latter that day the Painting arrives in a bag of holding.

Agudo realizes that the bag of holding has a second painting. he takes it out and shows Hoot, his white owl and loyal companion. They see a female angel chained and on her knees, it’s the same angel he saw on the beach 5 years ago but this time in the clouds near some unknown city.

Above her is an evil male angel, who is gloating and almost wanting for her to struggle. Hoot notices a letter on the back of the painting, its from Isaura. It tells the story of why the angel fell from the sky, all those years ago,

A few months ago Isaura the painter was waiting on the beach, as she normally does this time of year. She would wait to see the vision of the sad angel that she has grown to love after all these many moons. When a voice spoke to her, with some shock Isaura heard the voice of her sad friend, or at least that how Isaura felt toured the angel. The angel said would you like to know why, I have been here all these years?

Yeess….Yes most angelic Lady. Isaura had rarely heard her voice since that faithful day, and could not help but feel nervous. But I cannot see you, and then ever so softly it began to rain with the slight sound of heavenly music. Isaura felt tears fall down her cheek, but waited for her friend to speak.

I was once what you would call a Guardian Angel, in a Realm far away from here.
I had several worlds with vast life on them, that I watched over in this young solar system. I was truly happy and it seemed like all of life radiated with joy. Yet one who’s name I shall never mention again! coveted after all that I guarded. Lets just call him for what he became, the Darkest of selfishness, pure evil.

For millennia he tried to seduce, and deceive, his way into my trust; so that he could share power over this Realm. Yet every opportunity I gave him to do good, he would just bring strife, and jealousy. He had the most diabolical of plans, that seemed pure and righteous in the beginning, but became evil in the end.

Finally after so much death and destruction, I banished him, but he had turned some of my kind against me. A war broke out with most of the angels good and evil being destroyed early on. I suspect that was part of his plan all along for he is jealous of all who would compete for the power he lusted for.

Worst of all, two of the five worlds I guarded lay dead, void of life! I was all that was left of those angels who stood for righteousness. But this Dark one, knew that I could win in battle against him, one on one. That is why he held two dark followers in reserve, all part of his plan. I fought hard but was overcome by all three and they chained me. The Dark one gloated over me and then reviled what he truly wanted…ME!…. He said all these millennia’s he spent was to be with me, to hear the sound of my voice, to look in to my soul and be his… his… POSSESION!

He told me if I would only want him to give myself to him, that he would show mercy on the other worlds that still lived. I looked at him and said what he already knew…

I could only tell you the truth for I will never want you. Even if you show your dark mercy on my worlds, you will always cause them pain, in some diabolical way of yours. The Dark one laughed, and said that is why we make such a good team, you saving them and me killing them.

I rejected him for a century, and watched helplessly as he did such vile evil things to my worlds, that I so loved. But over the years he became more mad with jealousy. He kept demanding that I do as he said. Until finally, the Dark one said that I would suffer forever without him and with a fiendish laugh, he put me farthest from the sun to my beloved worlds.

But close enough to see it and feel it all. The Dark one and his last two followers flew to the sun, the two evil fools did not realize his fiendish plan until it was to late. The Dark one hurled himself into the core of the sun, and with an explosion so powerful and bright that it destroyed every, planet ever moon all life came to a final end.

I was thrown by the blast to this world, and as you know I have been here crying suffering after all these years.

As the Dark one said without him, HATING HIM!!!!

Tell Isaura what could I have done????… He admitted that he would of killed those worlds even if I had given in…… just more slowly and …painful…more….evil….
Isaura looked at the angel and said …I …am ….sorry I wished I knew how to heal your broken soul…

And with that, the waves began to crash, and the wind began to blow. As the rain fell harder, and harder, with the angel crying out in pain. Isaura turned to go. knowing that until she could find the answer, her friend would have no rest….

Agudo took a deep breath, and said, we all would give our life to save a friend. But even I have no Idea how that angel could have saved those she loved.


With that he took deep breath and prayed silently…

{OUT OF CHARACTER} if someone would like to have a free copy of the 2 PC Angel Wallpapers that inspired this story please EMAIL me at…

agudoarchmage@earthlink.net

A moment in time with….

Agudo Archmage of Light

[ June 03, 2003, 14:01: Message edited by: Agudo Archmage of Light ]

 

Great story! You really have some talent there. I can't seem to find any faults, it's great!

 

So, are you role-playing or telling a story?

And for goodness' sake, work on the grammar and punctuation. There are a few teachers on the Boards; maybe they can help you out.

 

ok, maybe I missed those faults...

 

The idea is great, but you could make it original and spellcheck, spellcheck, it's your friend. : )

Otherwise I liked it.

 

((THANKS for your kind words)) and your right about this taken from Role playing. But it was done on another bord posting place, that I played on.

I made up the Angel story, So I cant get anymore original than that.

So those people like D'win, are the "Characters" by other people, and you may see them some time.

As far as spelling mistakes? Could you point out a few. This would help in my story telling.

[ May 26, 2003, 08:39: Message edited by: Agudo Archmage of Light ]

 

You should be using past tense when telling story, the title should be "Angel that cries", you shouldn't be using more than one "!" or "?", and please, add the punctutation and quotation marks. I can't make much sense of the story.

 

Thanks for responding, {Oaz} all information is helpful. As far as using a lot of “???” and “!!!.” Well it is more of a writing style. Its to put infuses on the moment. A liberty if you will. (But technically your right.)

As far as commas, and quotation marks, I may have missed a few, but it’s hard to take that part of your “response” seriously; when you say you cant understand the whole story.

I am happy to say, that I have received a lot of Emails, from people who like the Angel story.

But if you could “Highlight” a few sentences, and put it on your post, then I could see, what was not coming off right…………
But again thanks {Oaz}


[ May 26, 2003, 18:22: Message edited by: Agudo Archmage of Light ]

 

Agudo, what is the need for the "speechmarks" in a normal sentence? None, so why you said "highlight" and "response" is beyond me.

Now, it might just be me, but in my opinion you don't need to understand the story to ask for punctuation and grammar to be properly placed within the story. Just because Oaz didn't completely understand it, doesn't mean that punctuation, grammar and proper use of speechmarks in a character's speech isn't nessecary: which it is.

Anyway, Oaz didn't say he didn't understand it, he just said it didn't make any sense.

Secondly: You asked us to highlight some mistakes, so here is a part of the story;

Now here's the mistakes:

1. I would not advise starting a new paragraph with "Then", which is commonly used to link sentences together. Join up this paragraph with the one above should you want to use it.

2. When you say "and Behold!", realise that you cannot make that B a capital letter. Nor can you include an exclamation mark (!) in the middle of a sentence.

3. "and with that Agudo bowed his head": You cannot start a sentence with "and", and it should be a capital letter regardless.

4. In that section of the story, it is very difficult to work out when Agudo is speaking and when he is not. Please include speechmarks (" and ") before and after the character says something. This makes for much easier reading.

Please know that I'm nitpicking yes, but I do
like the story, so correct the mistakes and
you'll have a great tale on your hands!

 

You're right.

I don't understand it.

Why are the owls named EMAIL? Why are you interjecting as a narrator to let us e-mail you? Why are you out of character when this is (apparently) not role-play?

The main problem I have with it is that I find it hard to differentiate between what is said by the narrator and what is said by the characters in the story. This might be because I don't know whether you are role-playing or telling a story.

As for "???"s and "!!!"s, they might be fine to you as a fanfic or a simple story, but it just doesn't look professional to me. For that matter, neither does putting various words in all capitals. I know that this is probably not intended to be published, but at least you will have me respecting your pieces of works more.

Sorry if I am coming off a bit too belligerent. I can't stand grammatical errors. I should be a English teacher. Actually, probably not.

 

If we're pointing out mistakes: "cry's" should be "cries". When you have a 'y' at the end of a word, it changes into 'ie' before adding the 's' for plural in noun pattern or for 3rd person singular in verb pattern. Apostrophe is only used for regular genitive forms or declining or conjugating foreign or strange words.

 

Thank you, this is very helpful.

Some times when you write something, it’s hard to see the mistakes, so it’s always faster to have someone help look over the story for you.

{The part about it being role-playing game.} That’s true, it was started in one of my role-playing games; so I can see your point on it.

I liked everyone’s comments it’s very helpful for the next time I wright.

The “Cry’s” and the “Cries” part, was what I was looking for in feedback. Also the{Then, And} sections, about when to use it

Can’t wait to see you all on the board.

 

Just a tip, use ( and ) instead of { and }. {} means nothing in normal writing, whereas () does.

 

(THANKS)

But back to the (And) part. I have been reading books by R.A Salvatore (Legacy of the Drow)
he seems to use (And) at the start of a sentence allot. Any reason?.....

 

Using "and" (I assume you mean "and", not "(and)"), is really just grammatically incorrect. But when you're writing literature, it's apparently okay to break those small, silly rules for the sake of descriptiveness. But then again, I don't believe that R. A. Salvatore is the most brilliant author in the world. If a million fantasy authors use "and" at the start of a sentence, it won't make it grammatically correct. And it's probably not a good thing if they are overusing it as well.

In short, just because Bob does it, doesn't mean you should, even if Bob is a really famous author.

 

Luck with the story.

Salvatore sucks anyway, so don't take him as an example.

 

Thanks for the tip, Oaz! Since I find "creative grammar" to be highly annoying - except in the hands of a master, like James Joyce or e. e. cummings - that's one more reason to avoid Salvatore's books at all costs.