Application To Date My Daughter

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First off, I don't have a daughter, second I got this in an email about a year and a half ago, but I still find it funny! Enjoy!

APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ, financial status, and boy scout rank?

2. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____
If "No", explain:

3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____
4. A truck with oversize tires? ____
5. A waterbed? ____

6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____
7. Do you have a tattoo? ____

**If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately.**

8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?

9. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?

10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?

12. Church/Temple you attend:

____________________________

13. How often do you attend:

____________________________

14. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi?

____________________________

15. Please fill in the blanks:
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my ____________________________
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be
my ____________________________
A woman's place is in the
____________________________
The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask
is ____________________________
When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her
first is ____________________________

*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T", "B" or "A", discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised*

What do you want to be IF you grow up?

I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.

Signature of applicant

___________________________________
Signature of father

___________________________________
Signature of mother

___________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi

___________________________________
Signature of State Representative

___________________________________

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again.
Don't call me, I'll call you.

 

Yeah, I have that one saved back too. I also *really* like the usenet reply form. I printed that one out, and spread it around work. About two weeks later, someone had a new copy running around with new entries for performance evals.

The manager caught hold of it, laughed _his_ *ss off, and pocketed it. I keep telling people, someone is getting that on the next eval roundz and if it's me I'm gonna hurt someone...

 

Ohhh... horrible memories... Thank god my father never got his hands on that in my teenage years. He was bad enough as it was. What happens to otherwise normal, well-adjusted guy persons when their daughters develop breasts? They go crazy! All of a sudden every sleazy thing they ever did on a date comes back to haunt them and they see the shadows of their own evil past in the scared young men on the doorstep...

My father was inspired by "A fish called Wanda". When I was leaving the house on a first date with a new guy, he ran to the door to shout, "Remember! Touch his dick and I kill him!"

When I first brought a man I really liked home for dinner, when the poor guy finally got up his nerve to speak, he started by saying, "I'm from Dublin, and..." and my father waved a hand dismissively and said, "that's all right, young man, no one is perfect". That was his last foray into the conversation!

On another occasion, when he felt I was taking too long to say goodnight to my date (I was still in the young fella's car in my driveway) he came out and stood under the porch light, making the "stop" gesture (two arms crossed in an "X") just below his waist. And then he wondered why I went through so many boyfriends... so few were willing to brave picking me up at home more than once!

[ August 18, 2002, 14:01: Message edited by: Sprite ]

 

I'm glad my dad isn't on here. He'd laugh his *ss off and then tease me to death.

I hope my dad isn't like Sprite's dad when it comes to dating...

 

Just for the record, I get along quite well with Sprite's father

 

1. I'm a wealthy playboy.
2. Do demons have gender?
3. Yes
4. Yes
5. Multiple ones
6. Yes
7. Yes
8. Later than you think it means
9. Touch anything but her hair
10. Skipping school
11. What I'm going to give you if you don't accept this application.
12. Whatever one accepts bigamists.
13. Whenever I'm not trying to put the moves on a neighborhood girl.
14. Whenever you feel like getting punched.
15. no comment; is there a bone there; bedroom; are you single?; her whimpy father
"What do you want to be if you grow up?" Not you

Actually fill it out like that and send it to the guy. Maybe he'll actually accept that.

DISCLAIMER: The above is intended as jokes. It in no way reflects the views of it's poster, and will not be used to establish a political debate.