Cane and Able: #4 A Bad Autist...

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I have Aspergers Syndrome, I've never made a great attempt to hide it, or so I thought.

When being assessed for Dyslexia (Which I don't have... I just can't read) the woman was astounded I was an Aspie, something she did not hide her surprise over and pointed out several inconsistancies with my diagnosis. For example, eye contact, she also remarked I was an eloquent speaker and able to demonstrate and express intelligence expected of a high functioning autistic on the level of a neurotypical adult.

Allow me to break the news gently...

Having Aspergers doesn't make me a retard.

I maintain eye contact because I've trained myself to look past the eye so I can still look at people without feeling like squirming away, I'm eloquent to an extent because my speech functions are not impaired - my only difficulty in speaking is imparted by the Dyspraxia and tourette-like symptoms I have as part and parcel of this little wiring incident.

I have had people ask me my opinion on aspergers and autism, speaking in very derogatory terms on the conditions, speaking about the merest suspicion they could be associated with the condition was insulting and demeaning, attributing any bizarre social interaction they witness as "obviously some spacked out aspie" somehow forgetting who they are stood next to.

Aspergers' Syndrome does affect me socially, I'm not denying that, like I mentioned before, I have to fake eye contact, I have to be careful how I respond to people as I struggle to empathise, in so much I cannot empathise with what I view a ridiculous or idiotic decision. I cannot control my voice or my finer facial movements, I can smile when sad, I can keep my expressions neutral. I managed to terrify my doctor initially who when examining me after a torn ligament in my neck asked me to raise my eyebrows to test my facial muscles and ligaments were unaffected. I had to say I didn't know how to, which met with the expected reaction pretty much.

I am shy, I sometimes find myself unable to talk if I'm in an unexpected situation, it's like I forget what words are and what they mean, as if suddenly my voice is lost and people around me are speaking turkish. In private situations with close friends and family I often revert to my own little language, I rarely, if ever, think in english, when startled I might even make a barking sound if I'm unlucky enough to be unable to suppress the reaction in time - something startling will result in a yip, whilst something loud will get a more dog-like reaction. I have a tendency to get passionate and border on ranting, I have to pause regularly and consider how long I've been on a particular subject, I feel the need to explain myself as I don't feel confident with my grasp of english in conversational use.

Senses get muddled, I tend to find confusion among scents and colours as well as sound, colours and taste all muddled up. (Drinking in a loud environment, for example, tastes green to me.) most Aspies have a specific area of focuse where they are most proficient, a friend of mine has a specialty in computers and mathematics, another friend in literature and theatre, I am mostly affected by the other side of the same coin. My mind races constantly as I try and focus on multiple things simultaneously, fictional writing, programming, drawing, roleplaying, research, the occult, tarot, painting, wargaming, videogames... I often find myself in a state where I am thinking of everything too much I can't actually *do* anything because my mind is screaming at me to do something in another area of my life. I'm stuck feeling disatisfied and unskilled in my attempts to focus in any one area because I *can't* devote the time to it.

I have an excellent audio-visual memory yet recollection problems, I cannot remember things chronologically and a specific trigger is required to recall specific facts and figures. For years a specific shade of umber made me remember a list of ten car registration plates and no idea why! Stress triggers plausible memories. If I am stressed, for example, over a piece of coursework. I may become convinced I did complete the piece just as likely as I am to do it multiple times as I cannot recall completing the task yet any 'false' memories are as realistic as proper memories. (To which a doctor at the time remarked "Fascinating. So all your childhood memories could be lies?" gee thanks!) I have hearing outside the normal range of average people, including those of years younger than myself, I have difficulties in hearing too much at once leaving me unable to pick out the person speaking to me. Unfortunately due to my Ehlers Danlos Syndrome the connective tissue between the bones in my ear are looser, so while the range of hearing is excellent, I'm losing the ability to retain my hearing for different volumes.