Chapter 2 - The Word

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So far, sidequests have been horrible, and to add insult to injury I was almost slaughtered by a solitary goblin because my characters have the hand-eye coordination of a retarded chipmunk. The goblin also got the jump on me because all those detection skills won't let you see an angry green man running straight at you with a club in the middle of an empty field, probably spewing obscure goblin insults in what I imagine is a high pitched, scraggly voice.

My options after that were to spend 200 gold in healing or rest for seven straight days. One removes 200 gold from my pocket, the other one kills immersion (Anyone remember resting 30+ days in Easthaven after fighting the orcs? Remember how believable that made the world since Hrothgar said beforehand that the party would be leaving in several days, and there was no time limit at all during the entire course of the game? I do.). I decided to break the immersion because, hell, there wasn't any to be had so far.

People don't say much other than "I have a lot to say but I don't want to talk about it." This is where the diplomacy checks come in, but you can come to the conclusion that these are a complete waste of time even without creating a diplomat based on the quests you do have available as an uncharismatic barbarian, dwarf wizard, or rogue archer. No, that's not an archer who rebelled against the other archers for the sake of archery, it's a rogue class who decided to pursue the way of the bow because he's as frail as a praying mantis with rickets.

Oh yea, I delivered the pouch to the priest who didn't seem to care that his associate had been whacked, and said I needed to go to the Moathouse to discover the source of the evil. Wait... what? I am as lost as you are right now. Way to ease someone into the story, Troika. He also mentioned that he lost an important amulet in the middle of a vast meadow, and that if I found it he would offer his services for free. I'm not really interested in "his services", and I'm especially not interested in searcing a damn field all day, so I declined and stole all his scrolls from the bookcase on my way out. Sucker!

I must admit it feels kind of bad bashing on a game from a company that went bankrupt, and who did create one of my favorite games, but this is just the beginning, and ToEE could get better. Right? Right?

I have my doubts.

Take, for example, the quest given by the innkeeper who owns the only inn and tavern in Omelette- I mean Hamlet- uh, Hommlet. This is one of those super awesome major quests that games provide where you don't need any special skill checks because the quest is such a joy to experience. It delivers a stunning performance and another bad, bad omen for the rest of the game.

After almost being massacred by the easiest enemy in the game, the three weary travelers entered the Hommlet tavern and sought out a room. The owner's wife offered us some food and drink. Sure, I thought, this would help. Alas, it did not. You're given a massive list of consumables that have no effect whatsoever. I asked her for a room and she happily pointed to her hubby, who was willing to give me a good night's sleep, free of charge, if I would solve a little problem for him.

Duh DUH DUMMMM! A quest!

"Sure, boss, what do you want me to do? Clear some rats from your cellar? Kick out a rowdy drunk?"

No, no nothing dangerous like that. There's a man who cheats all the folks who pass by this town in gambling. He wants me to catch the scoundrel in the act.

Being the stealthy barbarian that I am, I did proceeded to catch this gamblin' man in the act. And it brings us to tonight's WORD.

FOOLS GOLD

Folks, usually in games there's some sort of a payoff for completing a quest. After all, that's what we're here for, right? We're here to complete challenges and experience the satisfaction of mastering our tiny virtual domain. Some quests lead to no real tangible reward such as gold or a shiny new sword, but instead further the plot, increase your reputation, or reveal some interesting information.

For completing the gambler in the tavern quest, you're rewarded with a free place to stay. This place is normally available for two gold. Depending on how money is handled in the game that might not be such a bad thing, but consider the fact that you start out with 500 gold, and also consider what you have to personally pay to complete this quest.

The challenge here is a fool's errand. Gold is the cornerstone of this entire venture. To complete the quest you walk up to the gamblin' man, initiate dialog, and click on the option that says "play cards" a bunch of times, then "play dice" a few dozen times. You can click these buttons in any order, but after losing 100 - 200 gold your character remarks that the dice or cards, whichever you played last, are rigged. The man begs forgiveness and promises to join you if you keep it silent.

No, you can't ask for your money back. Ever. It's gone. In no way, shape, or form will you be getting that gold back.

You can say "No way, hombre! I'm takin' dis up wit' da sheriff!" His response will only be a measly "Oh, please don't!" while he sets there and does absolutely nothing. If you go back up to the innkeeper he thanks you and gives you a free 2 gold room. Unfortunately, you can't tell him how much you had to pay out of pocket. The gambler, on the other hand, will sit in the bar for eternity.

Maybe joining you was a reward, right? Maybe he's some awesome fighter?

Well, no. You can go back to him, he's sulking now, by the way, and say "Hey, I'm sorry. Let's let bygones be bygones and join forces." He'll join you right away, which most people in town will do for some reason, and provide child-like combat expertise with a knack for taking half of the loot. He'll still never pay you back the damn money, he'll never mention it, and you cannot ask him for it either.

Let's recap. You spent over 100 gold to solve a quest that netted you nothing more than 2 gold. You just bought fool's gold, my friend.

And that's the word.