Controversial Question

Remove all ads!

I originally posted this in Whatnots, but due to the wishes of Chev and Harbourboy, i'm posting it here too.

I've had no luck with this question, despite all the people I've asked. Now i'm turning it over to the wonderful people of SP. My question: Why is it that some girls will stay attached to a guy, no matter how bad they are treated?

Well, take it away, Chev.

 

I have yet to find a person who can offer a reasonably satisfying answer to that question. I'm not sure if anyone can give one.

 

One theory that applies in SOME situations relates a person's 'hierachy of needs'. Most people tend to rate food and shelter as more important needs than self-worth. If the man provides the food and shelter and the woman does not believe that she could provide it alone, then she would stay with him rather than go hungry. This has probably been the main reason historically.

In modern times, when a woman my be less likely to go hungry without a man, then you need to look at more a subtle hierachy of needs. It may be that consciously or otherwise she believes that the need to 'be well-treated' is outweighed by the 'need to feel attached to SOMEBODY' and the fear that 'nobody else will want me'. This can be a vicios circle because the man erodes the woman's confidence thus further increasing her fear that nobody else would have her.

We do need to be careful not to generalise too much on this topic because there are probably many different reasons that apply in different situations.

 

There are various reasons. I can't think of them, but here's a couple o f thoughts:

As everything in human behaviour, it largely comes down to perception. Perhaps she doesn't feel abused, contrary to what we think she is?

Perhaps she doesn't mind that sort of treatment. Perhaps she treats the guy the same way, so they both get what they deserve.

Or maybe she has the so called "Martyr Complex" and she simply has to suffer because she likes the idea of being a tragic character. Sort of victim mentality.

Another kind of Martyr is one that has to make sacrifices. She doesn't want to be with the guy, but she thinks she's helping him and all.

Also, she may think she's actually in love with him. Perhaps the love of her life as well. And we all know that love survives everything, forgives everything, endures everything, doesn't seek its own gain, and so on. The part we don't usually get is that is rejoices with truth That's because we're so prone to see our wishes as facts. In practical terms, the guy is simply the centre of her world. You remove him and it gets empty. That empty place needs to be filled fast... and usually with the same kind of guy, so it ultimately makes little difference which one it currently is.

Yet another possibility and quite a frequent one is convenience, plain as it is. It's still a guy and spares the trouble of seeking a new guy and going through the flirting and romance stage. Some persons feel the need always to be in a relationship. The very idea of being without a partner is a horror to them and so they are grateful for having whatever partner there is, and happy with being in a relationship no matter what. Leaving the current abusive partner would mean being alone for potentially a long time, and that's more than they can bear.

If we're at convenience, it may show in different aspects as well. Perhaps the partner has one or several useful characteristics? In plain terms, perhaps he's useful to her for some reason. It may be the reason why they paired up, but doesn't have to be. People grow to depend on each other if they cooperate for some time.

 

To be honest, the reason i'm seeking the answer is because this girl i like, she's broken up with her boyfriend 6 times in the last 2 months. its starting to get ridiculous, because everytime i'm about to ask her out, she's back with him.

 

For some insight on this question you may want to read Demonic Males by Richard Wrangham (an anthropology professor from Harvard).

I think the typical response of anthropologist would be that the woman stays because there was (is, possibly) an evolutionary advantage to staying with abusive males. Very violent males are likely to be more adept at protecting females from other violent males (from abuse or infanticide). Also, if a woman was to break the trend and favor peaceful males, her sons would likely be peaceful, and, in turn, her reproductive success would be compromised. This is known as the "Sexy Son hypothesis."

So, to answer your question, females stay with abusive males because during our evolutionary history females who tolerated male demonism were more successful from a reproductive standpoint, thereby proliferating the behavior across generations.

So, this girl you fancy is simply a victim of a complex evolutionary history. Sorry, but life sucks like that!

I don't favor Chev's psychological explanations simply because this trend is *way* to widespread to be explained by some kind of psychological/sociological deficiency.

[ July 02, 2004, 03:44: Message edited by: Ankiseth_Vanir ]

 

I think we need a girl's point of wiew on this subject... After all we men don't understand them fully, so maybe if a lady does us a favor and explains it for us we would wholeheartedly appreciate it.

 

Could it be a type of Stockholm Syndrome perhaps?

 

This is one of those questions that has plagued mankind since before recorded history. Like, "Why are women attracted to a-holes?".

Buddy, walk away. She clearly has issues. You may like her, but I doubt she's worth the trouble.

 

I agree with Mr. Funk on this one. Either she has problems or (no offence intended here) she REALLY doesn't like you to the extent that she'll go out with a guy who treats her like a punching bag/slab of meat to avoid you.

But I'd put my money on the former.

To answer the question: women are strange creatures, it's not our place as men to try and understand them, it's our place to try and survive them You might as well ask why women who dress up like whores hate being called whores. I mean, if a guy dressed up like a policeman and I called him for help it would be odd for him to say "What are you talking about? What makes you think I'm a policeman?! I'll smack you one if you call me that again, buddy!".

 

I didn't stay. Wehn my husband started becaoming abusive, I left. He's my ex husband now.

That said, the reasons are many and complex. It starts with "oh, it's okay honey, he's only pulling your braids and stuffing frogs down your dress because he likes you."
Girls are taught from an early age to ignore boys' little abuses as children, so they grow up not knowing to defend themselves against it, or to leave.
Ten as teens, when our boyfriends snicker, sneer and put us down, we're told "that just the way boys are" because they're "just not comfortable with girls yet"
Also, many religions frown on a woman leaving a man. I know at least three battered wives that stayed because they were told by their priests/ministers that it was wrong to leave their husbands. My friends and I had to all but kidnap those women out of their homes before they would truly see how bad it was.
Those are just a little bit of the psychology as to why women may stay in abusive relationships.

 

@ Abomination
I know she's not trying to avoid me, its almost the complete opposite. (Btw, just to clarify, she already had the boyfriend long before i knew her)

 

That he was her boyfriend before she even met you surely works to his advantage over you. She's had lots of time to fall into schemes I described above Or to get herself into problems Stefanina described in her post.

Some people have a very strange idea of fidelity as well. They won't leave their boyfriends or girlfriends no matter how bad those are and what they do. By forcing themselves to stay, they acquire more issues, which leads them to more disorders, which screws it up for any hypothetical next partner, which isn't so big a deal as that hypothetical next partner is first of all not likely to happen.

 

Perhaps another thought on the matter is attraction, there are things apparently most men do not understand, that women seem to pick up on within the first few things we(men) say, do, look, etc....

IMHO, they tend to have an uncanny knowledge of a man's personality within the first few moments of them being around us, and that normally determines their attraction/nonattraction level about you.

Just from my little bit of understanding, if you are 'just to nice', that is a very bad sign, minus the exceptions, of course, you are looked at as a wuss, and women don't seem to care much for that 'type' of man (learned from experience).

Now, if you just happen to be a bit 'cocky and funny' (phrase learned from someone who 'gets it'), then many, many more women will find an attraction to you they just cannot resist, it is very difficult for me to explain it, as I myself don't get it either, but I am sure the women out there reading this have a good idea what I am talking about!...

Oh, and if you are just a 'friend' starting out, you will more than likely never get any farther than that, short of a miracle. As is the way I personally see things.

(Ladies out there, do correct me 'if' I am incorrect [although I do not see how I could be!! ])