Death's Charade

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This is the beginning of a story I started a while ago. I've never really had the discipline to write more, but I'm thinking perhaps getting this out there for others to see might spur me to write a little more. Let me know what you think and if I should stick with it or just give it up. This is rather short, but it's all I've got actually written out so far.

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Autumn was setting in fast on Szertŭn, as were the rumors of war. Although there had been peace throughout the continent for more than 25 years, the air was now thick with fear and mistrust.

Even the trees feel it, thought Muohr, as he walked through the forest. The dwarf felt as if the forest itself was preparing itself for war by becoming more dense and treacherous. Though Muohr Thunderaxe had left his subterranean home long ago, he had still not grown accustomed to treading through the thick underbrush and feared that his clumsiness would alert any enemy within a 10-mile radius.

After falling for the hundredth time, he furiously jumped up, removed his axe, and began chopping wildly at the root that had ensnared him.

“It appears I bring the war to thee early, cursed forest!” he bellowed. Once the root had been reduced to dust, he began striking the trees around him, feeling as though he could level the entire forest. Eventually, his anger subsided and he stopped to catch his breath. He sat down on the pile of kindling he had created and chuckled to himself, amused at his own short temper.

Suddenly, a small bag landed by his feet, and he jumped into a defensive stance. He peered around, but could not see the person or thing who had hurled the object. Keeping his eyes level with the forest, he lightly kicked the bag, which made the sound of jingling coins.

“Please, take the gold and leave us, mighty destroyer of trees!” came a feminine voice. “Tis all us lowly trees could muster, so please spare us your wrath!” A giggling, armor-clad woman moved out from behind a tree, barely containing herself from bursting into laughter.

“Rehlia! One day I shall be wary of thy little pranks! And since you have had such amusement at my expense, I shall keep thy coins!” Muohr reached down and lifted the bag of coins. As he looked it over, he thought it looked slightly familiar.

“You should keep them…they’re yours! Colver stole them from you this morning!” Rehlia giggled. “Now come on before you spill all the water!”

Muohr, having already dropped two of the water flasks he had gone to fill, decided not to argue. He gave the tree he had been attacking one final chop and then jogged up to follow Rehlia.

As the two made their way back to their camp, Muohr thought they must have seemed an odd pair to anyone who might have been watching them. Though tall for a dwarf, Muohr was at least a foot shorter than the red-headed human who walked in front of him.

He looked up at her long, straight crimson hair and wondered how Rehlia managed to keep it from getting tangled in the branches and brambles. She seemed to move through the woods with an elven grace while he struggled to keep up. Even with the armor plates on her shoulders and chest, and the long sword hanging from her side, she seemed to walk through the forest as if it parted before her.

In mid thought, Muohr trips on a log and heaves forward onto his face. Cursing loudly, he pulls himself to his feet and brushes the dirt from his beard.

“Why did I ever leave the caves of Bolshkurda?!!”

Rehlia turns and giggles. “Well, if you would keep your eyes on the ground instead of on my backside, perhaps you might keep your feet under you!”

Muohr’s face became blood red, but he held his tongue. No matter how many times he had told her that dwarves just did not find humans attractive, she seemed to think no man, no matter what race, could resist her. He continued behind her, paying close attention to the treacherous ground below.

After a few minutes, the woods opened up into a small clearing. A small campfire was smoldering near the center, though it appeared to have been hurriedly doused. It was getting dark, but they could still see their equipment scattered around the camp as if it had been made to look as if the camp had been deserted.

Muohr and Rehlia looked around cautiously, seeing no sign of their two companions who were supposed to have been waiting here. Rehlia unsheathed her sword and moved toward the camp while Muohr clenched his axe in his hands. The dwarf remained by the edge of the woods and sniffed the air.

“What is it?” whispered Rehlia, seeing Muohr unmoving and feeling uneasiness creep over her.

“I’m not sure” he quietly replied. “But it’s too quiet and there’s no sign of Colver or Maercha!”

 

This seems fairly interesting as a start, though I'd need to read more to judge it properly.
You're setting it up well enough, though a little more description of the characters and the scenery would not go amiss. A few minor details here and there, perhaps hinting at a few things that might be important (eg: A tint of yellow flashed through his normally demure eyes as he chopped at the tree - perhaps hinting at anger problems). One major thing: watch your tenses. Is the story happening in the past or the present?
The only thing that would turn me away is the hard-to-pronounce names. But that's probably all part of the world, and it can't be changed.
Try to keep away from cliches like a dwarf hating the woods - perhaps he finds it acceptable at times.

Keep writing, and let's see some more and how it develops.

 

Great feedback! Thanks. I'm definitely a novice at this, and I'm sure it shows. I've just had this story in my head for years and have never quite had the time or motivation to actually write any of it out. I've found one of the hardest things to do is figuring out where to start.

 

You know, I think I'll pop in and say "please, continue" so you actually can post again.

 

A good start--kinda like a tasty appetizer--it teases and makes me want more.

I understand what you mean about figuring out where to start--I've got the same problem with my pathetic scribblings...

Hope to see more soon, Shalladeth.

 

I keep re-thinking the whole story line and keep changing the characters that I want in the story. I had initially thought that I wanted this to be a return the classic DnD type story, but also want to add in a little originality. Finding time to actually write anything has been my biggest problem though. I've got a lot in my head, so I'll try to write more soon. Thanks for the encouragement!

 

I hope you will continue your story. It's good.