Depression

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I just want to open and say this is hard for me. I'm not normally one to let things bother me, let alone talk to people about it. I usually hate this kind of moany ****, but I genuinely can't think of anyone else to talk about it.

It's just recently I am just deeply sad ALL the time and I can't see any way to get myself out of it. So much so I feel like I'm about to burst into tears a lot of the time, and I just feel so down.

I think there's a number of reasons... I'm now 29 and I've been single for a couple of years now, since my last gf. All my mates who I used to go out drinking with are all now paired up and getting settled and it just makes me feel so alone. I don't see how I can fix this as I don't really know any girls right now who I could 'try for' and haven't for a depressingly long time. I'm also a bit overweight and feel like my confidence is totally shot, so I find it hard to talk to people, and I don't know where I'd meet girls anyway on my own! I'm struggling financially recently too and I don't see any way of getting out of that debt, I'm way in my overdraft and don't see how I can get out... and it's all just way too much for me, I feel like I can't cope with my life as it is. I can't speak to my mates about it, because that's just weird, and I can't speak to my family as I know my mum would just freak and panic and worry herself to death, and I don't want to put that on her... so I just go about my life pretending everything is Ok, but things are just building up and I feel like I could burst.

I don't know if this is depression or not as I've never really been this down before, but I know I really dont see any way to get myself out of this rut. I just feel so **** all the time.

I feel so whingy and pathetic getting this all out, but it's genuinely how I'm feeling. Has anyone ever gone through this?

 

Barmy, the important thing to know off the bat is that you will be okay. Most everyone always is and will be, one way or another, whether it feels like it or not at any given moment or whether it feels like "being okay" is even possible. It is. Things just work out in the end. I'm not suggesting some magical process or fountains and rainbows or anything like that; more likely it's just that people realize that what they fear so much (being single etc.) is not actually so bad.

You're 29 man, you're not at the end of your rope by a longshot. And people don't usually 'fix' being single, it just happens. Some girl will come along when you least expect it and then you'll be on again. Half the world is a bit overweight, and that includes half the women out there. Everyone has financial problems. Life goes on.

As to talking, it really is a big thing as far as helping yourself. People just weren't meant to shoulder all their woes by themselves. I don't know if you're a religious guy or not, but church groups usually have counselors to help people going through tough times, and that would let you avoid having to do that painful routine of talking to parents, friends, etc. I understand that feeling - you have some pride and don't want to look like a whinger to the people who are close to you. But talking is the single best thing you can do to get the message through to yourself that you're not alone.

Hell if all else fails, there's always SP. And we're all pretty much anonymous here so it's 'safe.' Try to take it light, brother.

 

Heya Barmy, thanks for posting this. The fact that you have written about what you are going through means that Gaear is right. You will be ok. But for now accepting how you feel is half the battle.

Getting "professional help" is an option but it might not be for you. For the past year I've had several sources suggest to me that I might benefit from councilling but I've gotten through by other means. Writing and art are good outlets I guess but I've also been fortunate to have someone to talk to on a constant basis. It helps Barmy. Talk.

Also you are still young. If you want to meet a nice lady then start going out and doing things that you love and enjoy. I know its hard not having any money, you would be shocked at what I'm living on these days, but that doesn't mean you can't get outside and do something. The key is don't look to find girl, just look to find yourself.

 

When I went through my divorce I felt like no woman would ever want to be with me again. I had no idea how to find someone to be with and ended up looking in bars -- which was a huge mistake. I lost my job and then turned the custody of my children over to my ex. Child support was killing me, I had nothing in the bank and I lost my job. Life sucked.

Pay attention to your needs first. Believe me, I realize you think you need company (I would have given anything to fill the hole I had in my life) but you really need to find someone you trust to discuss these issues. Figure out what you don't need and cut that out of your budget -- I actually cut all alcohol out of mine (and locked up my bottles) because I was afraid I wouldn't be there for my kids. I know, quite drastic. You just need a net positive flow of cash -- are you working right now? Can you work more hours?

Forget you're weight. So what if you're a bit soft around the middle ... I was and I found a wonderful woman. People are attracted to different things and a person is either going to be attracted to your they're not -- and there's nothing you can do about it. The wonderful thing is there's not much you can do to prevent it either. By all means exercise -- not to lose weight (that's a benefit) but exercise releases endorphins that help reduce depression. Walk, run, bike, box ... do someting that interests you.

Help a cause you believe in. Being active will help you feel better about yourself and get you to meet other people that have the same cares and interests you do.

Mostly, take care of yourself first. I know I said this before. Find someone you can talk to.

 

Yup.

Just being able to talk about it though is good, means things can get better. First things first, with regards to the weight thing, it's hard to lose or keep off weight without a plan, but we all have to start somewhere. I'd encourage you to have a look at this:

http://www.hundredpushups.com/

You don't have to download or pay anything or fill out a survey, it's all plain text and free, has difficulty levels, alternative pushups and plans for which days to do pushups on (spoiler: mon/wed/fri). I've started that from scratch and have followed it all the way through to the end several times now as my fitness level has fluctuated over the years (and for God's sake don't feel bad if you can't do a conventional pushup, I couldn't do them at one stage... long story but I was in a pretty bad state after a long period of recovery following major surgery), and everybody's weight and fitness level does change over time.
I'm sure you've heard that old 'you'll feel better after some exercise' line, but it's true, your brain and body likes it, and will let you know.

 

Thanks guys, I knew I'd get some decent responses here. It does help to tell *someone* as there's noone I feel I can talk to about it. Yeah T2 I do work, but that again is part of the problem as I work 12 hour shifts, alternating nights and days and weekends, so that can be quite isolating at times as well.

I used to think in the past that people who said they were depressed just needed to 'man up' and tackle their problems, but I know now how bad it is. It really is a mental health issue and you can only really understand it unless you've gone through it. The other day I was looking into painless ways to commiut suicide before I cracked myself out of it. I think things would have to get a lot worse before I could seriously consider that.

I think the suggestions to exercise and try and get myself info shape is a good one, I think it would at least help me feel more confident if I felt I looked good in my clothes again. I just need to find something to give me the positive motivation to keep going as I don't have much positivity running through me right now.

Thanks for all the responses guys.

dmc, my mates would talk to me about it and would try to help, I have no doubt about that... I just have this feeling that it will make me feel weak and pathetic, and like I can't handle my problems... and that might make me feel worse! A lot of people in the UK don't fully understand the seriousness of depression, 'stiff upper lip' and all that I guess.

 

Its funny how different people approach these issues differently. Depression is a very serious and common condition. Thoughts of suicide are an indicator of depression as well. Probably a lot more people have been in your situation then you know.

Maybe your day has started fresh today. Make yourself go outside with the will to enjoy something, even if it is small.

 

Don't mean to be blunt, but while motivation and inspiration are great, they are fleeting, and will inevitably fade with time, and you run the risk of ending up back at square one when your reserves run out. You need a plan... every man has a plan...



Sorry

 

Sometimes I feel a bit depressed when I see people take care of their children, kiss their wife or mow the lawn. I have nothing of that, I live alone in a little apartment where I spend most of my free time reading books and playing computer games. Before I let myself be really sad I ask myself, do I really want that? No, I don't want that, not at all but I am expected to want that and sometimes they catch me.

What do you want Barmy? What do you like? I may be lucky I am 33 and my two out of my three best mates are single and we replaced the fallen one. I can do something with a mate whenever I want to and I rarely want it but they are there.

If you want a family I think all you'd need to do would say so loudly anywhere a woman between 25-35 can hear you. You will probably get swamped.

Figure out what you *want* and work towards that. Screw everything else, do what you want to do.

 

Thanks again all. There's something special about this community.

I think that's most of the problem, joa. I took that for granted for ages that I had a set of really adhesive mates and that kept me 'ok' in my head. It didn't matter that I was single because my mates were, but gradually they've met people and settled and recently my last single mate did. I think that's the main thing that triggered this, however selfish that sounds. I have to stop myself feeling resentful of my mates girlfriends. I know that's just how the world works, people meet people and settle, but now I just feel as if I have no one and feel like such a spare wheel. I need to find someone now but I need to figure out how :-(. Either that just have my mates back so I have people to chill with again. Ah well.

 

BA, if negative feelings are having the upper hand for 2 weeks or longer, then you're depressed (according to my family doctor at least). For some weird reason, the word "depressed" became a taboo in this consumer society, which is pretty f%#ked up, 'cause many people are depressed or at least for a longer time feel sad. The really sad people are the pretentious snobs who pretend to always be on top, though, so I'm glad you showed some guts and took the first step in helping yourself.

My next step would be showing those guts to friends. Don't be afraid that it might be weird. It's not. You're showing them you put trust in them and that'll make them feel good. How would you feel if a friend opens up to you?

I'm currently (still) without a job. I'm the only single in my group of friends. I actually don't really know what I'm really good at (Hence my member name). Hell, sometimes I don't even know if I've got hobbies and yes, I sometimes feel like Gil Scott-Heron's "Oatmeal Man". I'm just lucky that my friends are really that: Friends. Also, I'm lucky that their wives/partners became good friends too. They've proven to be good people to talk to.

 

Hey Tam, I've been through this in a bad way, Ive got the scars to go with it, both mental and physical. Everything probably seems $h!t right now, and you may have many reasons for this, you need to remind yourself of things that make you happy and try to do at least one of these things a day, it may sound silly but I was amazed how much a trip to the local pet shop helped me, seeing the rodents, stroking the bunnies and talking to the parrots really brought me up, sooner or later you will find yourself more focused on these things that you want to do and making more time for them as opposed to looking at the bottom of a glass and wallowing in self pity. You'll be back to your old self in no time.

Bear in mind.... England are still on course to win a grandslam... and thats coming from a Welsh man.

 

You must remember that you are not alone, and that you are valuable. I've been down that depression road, and it was painful. What everyone here has said has been awesome, and I don't have much more to add but I just wanted to weigh in with some support. Any people who try to tear you down or diminish you for the way you feel, excise them from your life and stay surrounded by good, caring, supportive people.

 

http://www.critic.co.nz/features/article/2070/depression-the-hidden-illness

All Black great John Kirwan was knighted for his efforts at trying to men to be more open about talking about this stuff. If a rugby hard-man like him can talk publicly about depression than it should be no big deal for the rest of us to do so as well.

 

Thanks all. I love this place.

Went round my mums yesterday for my tea, and I was feeling emotional so must have been giving off a vibe. My mum asked me whats up and after trying to say nothing but nearly bursting out in tears, it all came out. And I do feel better for telling my mum. She's a diamond bless her. She wants to pay off my overdraft for me, the naughty girl, and is being supportive. It feels a bit better now. I'm trying to get my life sorted a bit. I've kept myself busy today cleaning up my flat. Tomorrow is Operation Nuke-The-Bathroom, and then I think I'll go to the gym. Keeping my living space looking nice and doing regular exercise is the first step I think, both things will make me feel better.

Thanks for all the support and advice guys, I really appreciate it, and I really appreciate those who sent me PM's - you know who you are .

Much love.

 

Glad you feel a bit better, Barms It seems we have slightly similar agendas. I cleaned my space today a bit and tomorrow I got either the kitchen or the bathroom on schedule. Actually, this thread got me quite enthusiastic doing this stuff. So thanks, I guess.

Yeah, I think Gary Portnoy would agree (Cheers' intro theme). So do I, btw.