Don't know if this is appropriate, but I could do with some advice...

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Hi, I'm not particularly sure if I should be posting this here, because it feels a bit like airing my dirty laundry, but then, you guys are all friends, and I figured I could ask you for some advice.

Basically, I'm in love with this girl I have been seeing for the last year and a half, and am totally comitted to her. Our relationship was perfect with the each of us extremely happy with each other. But, this was while I was in India.

I had to come to Australia in March this year, for my undergrad course and this meant being away from my girlfriend, but we were still comitted to each other, having a long distance relationship.

Things were still fine and I managed to go back to India for a month of holidays as well. But since I got there, she has changed a lot. She has absolutely no patience whatsoever anymore, and tends to fight for the smallest of things. Also, she doesn't listen to a word I say, when I try to explain to her that there is nothing to be so agitated about.

She is just basically angry with me for everything I might do,which may or may not concern her, and she's taken to threaten me with ending our relationship if I "continue to piss her off". I really don't know what I am to do to get things back to the way they were earlier, but I am hoping people more experienced than me can give me some help.

Help...please?

[ August 07, 2004, 15:03: Message edited by: Taluntain ]

 

I can sympathize - I'm going through something similar myself. It sounds to me like she resents your leaving her behind. That's at least part of it. Even though you're still "together," maybe she feels like she isn't important enough to you to stick around for, whether or not she'd like to admit it.

It also sounds like she's trying to sabotage your relationship. Maybe she wants a way out of it, and is trying to turn it around on you. I wouldn't be surprised if a "you've changed...you're always pissing me off!!" is in your future, as a means for her to end your relationship guilt-free by putting all the negativity on you. Making it your fault.

I would sit down and have a serious talk with her. Tell her how much you love her and that you're concerned about the way she's treating you. Ask her to be completely honest about how she feels, and work to find ways to make the situation easier on both of you - if staying together is indeed what you need. Maybe she just misses you so much it hurts, and she isn't mature enough to deal with it properly - so she's taking that frustration out on you. It may be as simple as that.

It's also possible that this is her true colors showing themselves, and that it's taken the stress of your being apart to reveal to you the kind of person she really is. Someone who really, truly loves you doesn't go out of their way to make you feel like sh*t. And she's clearly doing that now. I think you may need to do a bit of soul-searching, too.

Love is a strange thing; it can blind us to someone's true nature. We want to be in love so bad that we're willing to overlook a person's faults. Sometimes it takes an extreme situation, like the one you're in now, to open our eyes to what we really have. In other words - and no offense meant - she may have been a selfish brat this whole time, and you just never noticed because both of you were distracted by the butterflies in your stomach. It happens all the time.

Here's a question you might want to ask yourself. My mother told me a long time ago that the definition of "love" is when someone puts your happiness before their own. Do you feel that your happiness is important to her right now?

[ August 06, 2004, 16:46: Message edited by: Death Rabbit ]

 

Instead of me giving out some form of long winded advise about how i feel about long distance releationships and why they fail or succeed this link covers just about anything I could say about the subject.

http://askmen.com/dating/datingadvice/26_dating_tips.html

 

Well, its just that she is absolutely fine while she isn't angry...much like her old self. But when she does get annoyed, its like she's become a whole different person, and nothing I say or do makes any difference, until she gets over her temper in her own time, at which time she is extremely apologetic about it.

But its the same story over and over again almost every other day...

 

Then the problem, my friend, is her. I don't know how old she is, but it's pretty clear that she has some form of emotional disorder. Sounds like manic depression to me, from my limited medical experience (used to work in a hospital). Either this is something she's developed recently from some form of trauma - perhaps triggered from your leaving - or this is something that she's had all along, and has been dormant for some reason.

I'm curious about her age, because it's not uncommon for young women to have their emotions all out of wack as they mature. Women are very emotional creatures, and such a situation only aggrevates the dominance those emotions have.

Bottom line here is, I don't think you're doing anything wrong, Faraaz. This is her problem. If the relationship is important to you, it is imparative that you sit down with her and tell her how you feel. Tell her how concerned you are. Tell her you're worried. Depending on how she reacts, she may need some emotional counseling.

Of course, these suggestions are completely one sided. I don't know her side of the story. For all I know, you may be acting like a complete jerk right now and completely deserve it! This medium forces me to take your word for it. But the above is the best advice I can give.

 

Given the subject matter here, I'd guess that a certain news poster and vociferous contributor must be experiencing extended technical difficulties. Otherwise, there'd most likely be a post here by Chev.

On topic though, there could be any number of resons that she is acting that way. Ranging from emotional disorders, to guilt over indiscretions, to a preemptive attempt to protect herself from being hurt by your absence.

I liked what DHB's link had to say on the matter.

 

Yeah, having my PC's guts replaced and it lasting two days longer than I expected. Back to the subject, anyway.

I'm sceptical towards long distance relationships and it's for a reason. I almost got myself in one early this year... thank God it went in a different direction.

Doesn't mean it can't work, but one needs love for that. Or luck. It makes no sense when someone's just having a boyfriend or a girlfriend. It only really works when it's something more specific. I wasn't actually in love, so I didn't follow that route - and this is the best advice I can give you unless you actually love that girl.

As for her behaviour, she's telling you something. Conscious or not, her behaviour is a message. There's a lot of tension in her, which means she's going through something painful and probably hard on her conscience. Perhaps, as DMC says, she has found another guy. Perhaps she feels that having to stick to you and ignore other guys burdens her too much. In either case, I'd rather let her go than try to keep her. If she loves you, she will return anyway and if she doesn't, she will leave you at some point anyway.

At any rate, you should talk to her. Asking her directly about other guys will only make matters worse, but you can always let it slip in as your conversation warrants. Don't be hard on her. She inflicts pain to you, her supposedly beloved one, and she knows that, but she's in a hard situation as well. If you feel she wants you to let her go, ask her and let her if she wants. No sense otherwise.

However, don't be too mild either. She moves too far. She can and should talk about her feelings, but "continue to piss her off" doesn't quite belong here. Apologies don't matter: it isn't about words or offence or affront, it's about attitude. I may be biased on this one, though. I'm somewhat prejudiced against people using pompous language and even more so against people who mix it with sland or swearwords. I actually see myself breaking a relationship on something like that, and I'm serious here. A person would need to be obviously out of his or her mind for me to ignore something like that. Not because vengeance or injured pride, but because of the attitude I hate.

Of course, all this assuming it didn't sound more natural in your shared language than it does in English. If it actually did, then it was just harsh. Better, but still not good.

You need to tell her that her behaviour is not acceptable, though it might come across as intrusion, given the nature of your relationship and the fact you're on a short leave before being away for a long time again. Again, I suggest you do it my way: don't require, give choice. A pretty clear choice.

Still, most probably she wants exactly that, so don't promise yourself too much. She behaves like people who want a relationship to end but don't want to put an end to it themselves. Instead of breaking up with you, she would rather have you break up - whether she realises that or not. This is my theory.

 

Long distance relationship... that's your problem. Looks like a serious choice is coming up for you, my friend. Something along the lines of "Your study, or me."

Now, I'm not Indian and I don't know your culture, yet I do have friends who are Indian - girls for that matter - and one of them has been in exact opposite situation... She moved away from her boyfriend. He dropped everything and followed her (he was 18 at the time). They were together for awhile but she felt like the relationship had become a prison of pity/guilt since she couldn't possibly break up with him without seeming like a monster, this guy had dropped everything to go see her. In the end he started abusing this fact, keeping score I guess would be what you call it. He had sacrificed more for this relationship than she had and thought it was her turn to do things she didn't want to do or simply acting like a prick and expecting to get away with it. She eventually broke up with him after much convincing and guilt-barrier destruction.

Sounds like your girl is acting like this guy. She probably thinks she deserves to be treated like a queen because she's giving up so much for you (i.e. still being your girlfriend when she could be with someone else). However it is just a theory and it might not be that way. I'd say break up with her. Despite all of the nice things about her, would you REALLY want to marry this girl? This girl who flips out at a moments notice... well... bad example... since when haven't all girls flipped out at a moment's notice? But you know what I mean.

 

@DR: Well, I dunno what I might be doing, because I've been talking with her and she feels that she is going through a very tough period with her family and friends, and she is venting frustration. I asked her if it was something I was doing, and she said I wasnt...but then, knowing girls, she'd probably say the same if I WAS doing something wrong.

Also, she is 18, as am I.

I asked her if there was any other guy involved, and she was very very sure about that, that there isnt. And I believed her when she said it, as I know her pretty well, so I guess that isnt the reason here.

And I dont WANT to break up with her, because I have put way too much into this relationship, and so has she, to just up and end it because she might be exremely irritable for a while or so.

But on the other hand, if she is subconsciously trying to get me to dump her, again...I don't know what to do. This is confusing...

 

Yes, no matter if it's girlfriend, mother, friend, aunt, teacher, boss, a woman will flat out deny things when you ask and still expect you to guess. I don't know why they do that. I've asked many women and nearly all have agreed with me but none has been able to tell why they do that.

If it's already lost, investing more and more into it will NOT help save your investment so far. Contrary, you'll lose even more. Let's hope it's just a temporary crisis, but if it isn't then keeping it alive at all cost may not be the best idea.

The reason why she says it's nothing you're doing, it isn't your fault but hers and so on may be that she feels guilty for what she does or what she thinks. Perhaps she'd rather dump you but feels guilty at the very thought. At any rate, if I were in your position, I would tell her I don't want to bind her and let her do as she will. After that, I wouldn't come back to that subject until she did. It sounds cruel, but in fact it's very gentle. Violates no one's will, makes no bad blood and helps avoid disappointments in the future.

 

Now I know why you've got the reputation you do Chev .

I will be getting back to you guys on this...thanks for your input.

PS: @Chev: We both speak English, its our preferred medium of communication.

[ August 07, 2004, 17:08: Message edited by: Faraaz ]

 

Man this reminds me of well me back when I was 15. I'm sure those old school members remember my rants and sigh with relief that its now over

My advice, follow your heart and your gut instinct

 

Take care and trust your heart... while relying on your brain

If it isn't just a simple approximate translation, there's something intrinsically smelly about the phrase "if you continue to piss me off" Seriously, such phrasing is characteristic of people who think they're better than you but feel they aren't. It could have been just a clumsy wording if it happened once or twice, but if it happens often she has a problem.

 

Well, I live in Argentina, my girfriend lives in Spain, that's too far; she managed to visit me 3 times already, I found that I want to be with her so I will go there, to live there, to work there, and most of all to live with her; I think long distance love is possible as long both can communicate, as for us we can talk to each other every day, and sometimes we talk 3 or 4 hours/day; love is tricky, is hard to find "the match" but when you do, you realize that love conquers all and makes distances very short.

 

Speaking as someone who has a history of self-destruction in relationships, it certainly sounds to me like a good possibility that she may be ready to leave you but not willing to take the 'blame' for the end. I have actually been guilty of this on one or two occasions myself - the relationship may be going fine otherwise but for some reason (be it fear, boredom or something else entirely) the person decides that there's no future in the relationship and so goes out of their way to force the other person to end it.

Particularly the phrase "if you continue to piss me off" does sound suspect, it sounds similar to things that I said in the situation I was in that I briefly referred to.

HOWEVER, it may also be that the tough times she mentioned with her family are affecting her more than expected and proving more than she can cope with alone, so I'd agree with DR and chev that if possible you need to sit her down and have a very long D&M with her to try to get to the root of the problem. Or perhaps suggest some form of couples/relationship/solo counselling to help.

Just watch out for Wirhe to come posting here, I get the impression there's some serious issues there with women

 

If she's acting like that she either wants to boot you to the curb, in love with someone else,....or she has become addicted to cocaine. You sound like a upstanding young man, (or twisted old pervert, i don't really care), just understand that it's time to move on. I used to be in love with a women so bad she made me sick (literally). I thought if i lost her i would never be able to get out of bed again. Well guess what? I have bed sores that would make a 800lbs man blush!

Nah just kidding....We broke up and i survived.
Also i think she wrecked her Sport-Utility her parents bought her not that long ago.
Karma, my friend..Karma!

 

Well, I talked to her. AND she admits that she's been under a lot of stress from family, friends, college etc etc, which was the same thing she said earlier. Only, she was very apologetic about having made me feel low, and she has promised to put a stop to it.

THANK YOU ALL!!

Of course...girls being girls...I will have to review the situation a week or a month from now...

Cheers. I feel good....

 

Wonderful But your job isn't finished yet Try to get her out somewhere, preferably some reasonably remote and calm place with lots of plants and fresh air, to help her heal the wounds. When the healing's done, something strong and physically exhausting would come handy to help her back on her feet and give her something to remember, like a whole night dancing. You would use some too

 

That's a bit hard, considering I'm in Sydney right now, and she's in Bangalore (India). Ahhh...wish I could though.