Emotional strongarm tactics used by women

Remove all ads!

Before I start I admit that some of this is fueled by anger. I've experienced a very similar situation just recently and I was wondering what the SP community's opinions on the matter are.

Hypothetical situation: A hetrosexual couple. The female does something that angers the male and let's assume she's at fault here. The male expresses his anger towards the female's actions. The female is upset because she loves the male and does not want the male to be angry at her. She starts to cry...

What should the male do? Why should the male do this? (The point will become apparent after I've had some responses)

[Edit: title had a typo]

 

I can only talk from personal experience of this type of situation, for me the action is three-fold.

1. Inform the women that I'm going out to cool off and will retuen later when calmer.
2. Go and do something physicallly or mentally demanding to remove the hormonal state, in older days running or swimming, these days golf range.
3. Go back and talk if she is still emotional (ie crying) then encourage her to go and calm down, and refuse to discuss it until she is more emotionally stable.

For me I've found that works and that the issue can then be resolved one way or another. Not always positively, sadly.

 

Okay, but why should you be the one to do those things because she is crying?

 

I don't do it because she's crying, I do it because I'm emotional, and as a rational person and a person who has seen anger turn to violence easily, I don't wish to do that. So for my sake I walk away not hers.

 

I've seen very few situations when one person was really at fault. In my experience, "fault" is really a matter of perspective, so I guess I can't answer your question since I disagree with its very premise.

 

It's an assumption, Drew. Okay, by both of their perspectives she is at fault. She knows that what she did was her fault. Does that clear things up?
[Edit: By the way, thanks for replying so quickly Darkstrider]

 

Not a problem, as I say that's how I react, it is my personal opinion that dealing with situations whilst emotional is generally not healthy. Especially if the emotion involved is anger.

 

I suppose it's a relationship thing (don't need to know) and from her admitting her fault it looks like things are somewhat seriously fishy, so if it's something close to cheating, or lying, then the male should seriously consider putting an end to that relationship.

But if she sees her fault, chances are perhaps it's a habit she's trying to break and being chastised in the middle of it doesn't really help. Things like substance overdose, breaking stuff, being late, making enemies. Maybe it's not such a great problem as the male thinks.

At any rate, the male should cool down, get his mind rid of the anger and approach the problem with a cool head as far as possible. It could be helpful to tell the female he also and still loves her, but the problem needs to be solved.

Next, perhaps she isn't even using any tactics. If a woman cares, she will react emotionally and often irrationally, perhaps defending herself or fearing she would be dumped, with no intent of blackmailing the man into anything.

At the same time, it's good to remember that her action was the source of the problem, not the male's problem with the action.

The real emotional strongarm tactics start when the person who does wrong wants the other person to stop having a problem but doesn't want to discontinue a bad habit (e.g. a notorious flirt wants his or her "other" to be happy but doesn't want to give up flirting; an alcoholic doesn't want to go to therapy; a porn addict doesn't want to stop watching it etc). There's also using crying to get something and other guilt trips, threatening to leave you or ignore you or cheat on you, or telling you how great other men (or women) are or were. But crying, withdrawing or trying to change the subject when being confronted with some faults isn't necessarily a strongarm tactic.

 

Okay. Well the thing is just because a girl starts crying is that any reason for a man to change his emotion? If it is then the relationship is imbalanced, the girl can get emotional yet the male can not? The male has to put his emotions on hold because the girl is crying?

The problem that arises is that the girl expects the man to back off 'because' she's crying. This in turn simply can lead to abuse of that type of situation. If the girl does something wrong, she cries and apparently the man is the one who should back off. In other words 'turning on the waterworks' becomes a simple method of avoiding the issue.

Hmm, perhaps anger was the wrong word. I'd use disappointed or perhaps upset. I wasn't yelling, I wasn't hitting anything, and I would never hit her.

What really stiffed me was the fact that because she cries I can no longer be upset, in fact I'm expected to console her and stop her from crying because apparently if I don't I'm 'mean' or 'cruel'.

Maybe it's my approach to relationships but I'm a very stern advocate against the 'give and take' (I give, she takes) type of relationship.

Fact is I'm pissed off that men are supposed/expected to crumble on their position because a girl's tear glands start acting up.

 

There is an old saying: When Mama is happy, Daddy is happy.

Either the woman is worth you going to such lengths or she is not. That is what you must decide. I have walked out relationships because the woman would do things that upset (and knew they upset me). I was expected to live with the offense -- I found I could not, so I ended the relationship.

My wife makes me happy enough that I am willing to overlook most things that irritate me. However, she is also willing to meet me halfway and not do the things that really piss me off. For my part, I also try to never do anything that upsets her.

A good relationship involves give and take on all levels.

 

It's an abusive situation when if the man does something wrong, he ends up guilty and if the woman does something wrong, the man ends up guilty. But it's probably whininess or other missues more than a conscious tactic in many cases (not like it's easy to put up with... I've witnessed this first-hand). If you do something, you have to apologise. If she does something, then you have to apologise. Screwed situation.

However, it's kind and generous to forgive her and console her a bit. This doesn't mean, however, that you should let her do as she damn well pleases. It also matters how she reacts when you screw up. If she's forgiving when you screw up, then she deserves the same. If she isn't really, then perhaps one or two examples will teach her. Maybe more. You may try and teach her by example until you succeed, or you may put your foot down and say you aren't going to take more. Your choice.

Perhaps it's something programmed by nature to offset our advantage in strength and stamina. A woman is not another guy who can take some, so we have to be sensitive to tears. They are also caretakers, as opposed to us providers/fighters, so they are naturally more emotional.

But bursting into tears is one thing and using tears as a weapon is something completely different. It's like with the ambulance or firemen: after many prank calls, they will finally not come when you actually need them. Same with making tears into a weapon.

I suppose in all cases you need to find out if you're dealing with a (hyper-)sensitive person or simply with someone who wants to dominate you emotionally and be in charge of your relationship. Or to have silly fun at impunity.

 

I am 100% with DS, here. Except that I might be more tempted to smash something to pieces (a metalworking project gone awry, for example), or start a new metalworking project, which invoilves lot of banging, which helps me vent the heat and anger. If she has calmed down, then we can talk. If not, too bad. I will just cast off, and let her cool off for a day or two. Repeat the pattern until she is more stable to have a head-to-head chat. This pattern worked great for me, but it sometimes was the epitome of some very, very, very heated up arguments.

 

OK. First of all, being upset is not a "tactic". Sometimes crying is just crying.......and "anger" is not a position. Ceasing in one's anger is not the same thing as compromising one's position. Should a man change his tactics when a woman starts crying (or vice versa-men cry, too)? Only if he (she) isn't an insensitive jerk. The apocryphal(?) example here is one of a woman who is crying not because she is at fault, but because her actions upset the male in question. She cries because she hurt and angered him. She's probably not "misusing" or "manipulating" at all. She's upset......and she's crying.

 

Been in this situation several times, the woman does something wrong you gets annoyed/angry she starts crying and all of a sudden you are the evil wrongdoer. Pisses me off to no end, how in a situation where both more or less agree that one is at fault the argument swiftly turns into the one that wasnt at fault is the one doing the apologizing?

 

Just because you stop laying into the woman or being angry at her doesn't mean you have compromised your position. Just because she cries, it doesn't mean the man is evil, or even that he did something wrong. Making a woman cry doesn't make you the bad guy so, if you feel that way, you shouldn't blame her for it. All she did was cry. Crying is an emotional response....and women and men have trouble controlling their emotional responses.

Yep. I said it....women and men. Women are societally conditioned to be more vulnerable; so, when they become upset, they are. Men are conditioned by society not to be vulnerable; so, instead, they tend to become angry, aggressive, or even violent. The differences in our emotional responses boils down to the societal conditioning to which we have been subjected.

Men are no more able to control their emotions than women. They merely channel those emotions in a different direction.

 

You do what ever is the smartest thing to do in the situation, regardless of who was right / wrong or otherwise. Just do whatever is going to get the outcome that you want at the end. If it means "giving in" to her tactics, then do it. You have to know when to pick your battles.

 

Yeah, Drew makes great points. Crying for a woman is probably equally emotional as getting angry for a man, which works both ways, so angry men shouldn't be seeing crying women as the only ones getting emotional (and vice versa, of course). It would be cruel to get angry at someone for giving in to non-hostile emotions in fitting circumstances and having hurt someone you love is fitting.

Still, I don't think you would make such a big deal of it if it didn't happen more often, would you, Abomination? After what Drew said, I guess you should try and be calm, reassuring (yeah, she needs that and that's basically what a guy is for), but watch it and neither apologise for bringing it up nor allow a change of subject.

And then things will clear up a bit. If she seems to be expecting an apology, it will be manipulation (okay, you can hurt a woman with the way you bring stuff up more than she has hurt you with stuff itself, but this is not the typical scenario, I think) and perhaps trying to make you learn to live with offence. But if she agrees she's done wrong, the I suppose there's no dodging responsibility and trying to silence all discussion?

Again, it's very important to consider how she reacts when she's the one who brings stuff up and how you react when she does it. Sometimes we guys exaggerate to get a nagging woman off us and I guess our being deeply hurt when they are telling us about something we probably actually should (not) do is very close to bursting in tears whenever we have a problem with something they do.

Hmmm... and I would think that if a woman were trying to play it tactically, she would either cry hysterically or use something else, a stronger guilt trip or a threat maybe. She would also try to explain away her wrongdoing, make it look less important, accuse you of complicating things and preferably scare you off the idea of ever bringing anything up again.

Also, if a woman sees her man angry, especially in a one on one situation, crying is a natural reaction. Imagine pissing off someone twice your size and who's supposed to protect you. Especially if the situation is making you look (in your own eyes as well) like a child who maybe tries but still isn't able to behave all the time.

 

I honestly wonder what some of the female SPers opinions on the matter are. (And on that note ladies, this is not an attack on you personally but I'm simply speaking from expierience here and I admit I could be wrong about some things but I'm just taking things at face value)

I for one am not moved by tears. I seldom get emotional so when I do it's often over something that I hold very dear to me and I can not back down/change my emotion reguarding the subject.

I guess the other thing I often see women do is assume things far to often. When I ask a question for some reason it implies something else and rather than it being a question it suddenly becomes a statement. Had this situation recently and it really burned my ass. I was asking about her emotions and her reasons for doing something and she took a question to mean that I don't care about her or her emotions.

It seems women are experts in turning an emotional situation upside-down either on purpouse or as a defensive mechanisim and men either take it or stand up to it and are lableed the bad guy.

Joacqin has summed it up nicely here. Girls are allowed to act emotional at will yet if a guy does it he's suddenly the ogre. And girls say they want us to express ourselves

 

Ditto. Many a woman tried the trick of crying with me, only to hit themselves to a wall of ice. Guilt trips have proved to be a failure too, they just anger me even more. If a woman has a bone to pick with me, then speak your piece calmly and diplomatically. Only then will I listen.

 

Ummm...is there a reason why so many women cry so much when they are with you? My wife seldom cries; somethng would have to be really wrong for her to do so. And it would get my attention.