Eternal Recurrence

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Nietzsche might have meant something like this somewhere in his writings: If the universe and time are infinite with a finite amount of matter and/or energy, then it is possible that all the matter that there ever was and ever will be might form itself once again exactly same as the world appears to us right now. The question is: If you could have a memory of living this exact moment infinite times already, remembering every single detail, almost knowing what would happen next, and also knowing that this awareness would always and for all eternity be with you, would you live your life, again and again the same way you have lived it so far? Is your life something you would like to live over again exactly the way you have lived it until this moment? It's not just asking would you do it all over again if you could go back in time. You can't go back in time. You cannot change the past. But there is a possibility for the question "Is your life worth of being repeated infinitely?"

Of course only the future can tell what your answer would be. Will you be remembered? Did you do good deeds? Did you make the world a happier place? Will you work for a better goal from now on? Does it really matter? Did you make a difference? Do you matter? From my past I can say that it happened. It made me the way I am at this moment. So far as I can tell.

I'm happy about several things in my life, but one thing is more important than anything. Forgetting. As you can't remeber everything, you can neither forget everything you would want to. But still, losing the memory of yourself of the past is a good thing. There has been a lot of anger in my life. And as I can't say that I'd regret the hate that I've felt, I am quite pleased that I can no longer feel such anger and with such intensity, for it was always tied into the situation, for I have learned, changed, forgotten. And when something reminds you of those things you would rather have forgotten for forever, it is so very terrifying. You did forget it, you almost forgot it. Remebering, seeing the forgotten past from the light of the present might even make you doubt your very being. Is this the way I was? Am I the same person as I was then? But of course you're not. Being able to remember grants you the ability not to repeat the same thing all over again in the future to come. Doesn't it?

One thing about memories are that as you can remember a scent, a sight, a sound, a touch, or a taste, you might still forget what it was to feel those sensations. The memory is there, but the feeling is gone. You feel love, but is it the same feeling of being in love as it has always been, is it authentic? As you cannot analyze emotions as you might analyze a bouquet of a wine, you cannot even tell if the emotion is the same you've felt before. Oh it's love, for certain, yet you cannot be sure if you are imbued with love in your heart of hearts, like you were in love, this canker worm of doubt eating away at you. You might be even able to fake the feeling so well that you even fool yourself. Authenticity. It's what's really really real, isn't it? The ultimate never changing truth. But I fear that absolute is obsolete.

A method of some of the acclaimed actors to do their work is not to fake the emotions, but to feel them. To invoke them at the moment the script requires it. To remind yourself what it was to feel sadness and tears flowing down your face; to feel it by reminding yourself of the saddest things that have ever happened to you. I wonder would it work with an emotion like love? Or joy? You can fake laughter, and fake it well, but can make yourself to laugh at the same joke, with earnest, day after a day after a day? I know this for certain, I will never know such happiness as I did quite recently. I know this to be as certain as I know that I will never live again that moment which made me so extremely, blissfully, achingly happy. I might feel something like that once again. I might be even feel a greater happiness as I felt then. But that moment is forever gone.

If you cannot remember exactly what it was to feel some emotions, to be in that place and time once again that made you feel them, perhaps you shouldn't regret them either. Now it is the content of the word 'regret' that escapes me, and so does the feeling. Repent. Remorse. No help. If there is a compulsion to do something, will it make you better if you flay yourself over it? Will it change your course if you cripple yourself? Is pain the measure of penitence? How about not dwelling in the past and change the way you've lived your life so far? Don't read this sentence. You had to go in there and read it didn't you? Probably thought about it as well. Perhaps it is the same thing about regretting. The more you think about it, the harder it is to let go and move on. The more you think about it, the more likely you're obsessed about it, the more obsessed you are about it, the more likely you'll do it. So let it flow. Effortlessly. Simply let it go. Forget about it. Pain will teach us avoidance, but it will not present more options than that. The bell rings and we drool. How about if you'd forget about the pain and stop shirking away, but face it bravely to see what causes it and learn how to handle it so that you will get stronger. Play with fire and you will get burned, but think of what mastering the fire might bring you, flavours you might have never experienced before; warmth; light. Power. Power to change your world for the better.