Excerpt from "Untitled" (fantasy)

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I've been working on this story since 2000 and since about 2004 I've devoted my time to essentially fix up the story as it had become far too cluttered (predominately from borrowing from too many other fantasy texts and folklore/mythology). It is currently 313 pages long (and no where near becoming complete) and 71 of those pages are reworked. I figured I'd post a small piece in hopes of getting some constructive feedback particularly on one character.

The world this story takes place in is very feudal, slavery is quite prominent in most of this world, the majority of the the population suffers in some form of serfdom/thralldom/villeindom where they can be killed/raped/whatever by the nobles that own them. Women are property of their father, husband or similar male family member responsible for them. Women are married young to prevent them from dishonoring their fathers and family (noble girls typically between 14 and 16; I couldn't bring myself to be historically accurate and do 12 to 14, at least between 14 and 16 they can start looking and thinking like women), men marry much older (early twenties to early thirties; however in situations of politics both sexes can be married so long as they are old enough to reproduce).

This is also a world of mythology, the world isn't ruled by the laws of science, but instead is ruled by the whims of gods and spirits, life is often ugly, unpredictable and seemingly unnecessarily cruel.

I'd explain how magic works, but I'm currently trying to decide whether the whole system needs to be revamped (currently, it's somewhat similar to Warhammer or Magic in respects to elemental groupings).

Dragons in this world are different then dragons in D+D. For starters dragons are more powerful then gods, they are immortal and existed long before the creation of the current system of worlds in this story. They have two natural forms, one being their traditional form and one being a humanoid form of unspeakable beauty which they can only hold for limited amounts of time in this world system as the creator of this world accidentally barred the form of the humanoid race that existed before this world in an attempt to bar the passage of a specific individual. Dragons, having two forms, where able to slip past the barrier in their draconic form. Like many pantheons of gods, the dragons are incestuous by nature; for dragons much of this stems from that of the six known types of dragon, each strain decended from what I call a "Firstborn", the patriarch of each dragon species and a single female so avoiding some sort of relation is impossible. Powerful dragons also have the notion that breeding with a dragon who shares considerable amounts of blood will produce a more powerful offspring (though most male dragons are so promiscuous that they breed with a wide variety of speices in order to increase the number of children they father).

Here are the two characters in the excerpt:

Onar Vaelhorn (Anti-Hero), so far a reader would know that he's a half dragon, decended from the dragon Vaelhorn, of incredible beauty who is a very charming womanizer, heavily narcissistic, incredibly pocessive of his women, physically abusive to his sister (who will be his wife in order to maintain the line's "purity) and one of his slaves, we know he has raped one of his slaves and more then once at that (though those scenes are edited out because I simply don't want to write them). Onar isn't a character who is suppose to identified with, he cruel, cold, sexist, elitist among many other bad qualities, however he is very intelligent, attractive and charming and therefore can keep himself afloat through his bad qualities.

Veiranna (i is the pronounced vowel) Vaelhorn (supporting female) who is Onar's sister's slave (hence the last name) who ultimately belongs to Onar as Veiranna's mistress belongs to Onar. She's relatively undeveloped at this part of the story, but a reader would know that she's uncomfortable in Onar's presence, but to some extent believes Onar to be the embodiment of what she believes is an ideal man. She's very innocent and sweet and most characters in the story go out of their way to protect her (except Onar who's far more interested in her "flower"). The reader doesn't know this yet, but Veiranna was never treated as a slave, being treated like a daughter by her first owner, a elderly, wealthy widow, who's death put Veiranna back into the slave trade. Veiranna, like most girls who are raised in a privilaged environment is unaware of what sex actually is.

Excerpt (I apologize for Veiranna's speach, I'm not exactly sure who to get across the variety of feelings she feels in this scene, any input on her would be great):

Onar began to wander down hallways looking for anything he should see that would be unsatisfactory; Onar always took pleasure from threating his servants for their incompetence. In one hall Onar found Veiranna helping the servants; she was hauling firewood to the kitchens on the servants' behalves.

"Someone as beautiful as you should not sully their hands with work Veiranna."

Veiranna dropped the firewood and turned to face Onar; her face spoke of high anxiety.

"My Lord... I... I did expect to see... to see you here."

"My dear Veiranna, please do not call me my lord, I would despise myself if I tried to place distance between the two of us with something such as a title or proper address. Call me Onar, nothing more."

"But... but only... only Kaiara (Onar's sister) can call you... you... Onar..."

"Here, let me help you, I have nothing to do myself."

"But work (yes, she is refering to ALL work) is below someone of your... your station."

"I would rather myself work, regardless of my station, then let a woman so delicate toil with this task."

"I... I think... I think it would be... be best if I did this on... on my own."

"Why would that be so? Tell me if I have done such to as to wrong you."

"You... have not done anything to wrong me... Mina (the slave girl Onar raped) says... she says I should... that I should keep it that way."

"What exactly would I do to you Veiranna?"

"Waht... what a... a man... does... with... with a... a woman..." Veiranna blushed deeply through the sentance, "Though... though I am... unsure... of... of what... men... and... and... women... do... do to... together."

Onar suddenly found himself overwhelmed with desire, Veiranna was just the way she though a woman should be, without sexual knowledge until her deflowering.

"Why would I take that approach instead of loving you?"

"Well... I... well... I... ah... well... um... I..."

It seemed whatever Veiranna was trying to say she deemed too inappropriate or scandalous to say, but Onar instantly knew what she was refering to. This was a blunder of considerable proportions for Onar.

"Yes... the stories. Do you believe them? Do you believe I am the man the stories say I am?"

"No!" Veiranna blushed at her outburst," I... I mean how... how could I? Surely the heart of a galiant knight beats within your noble breast for surely no face so fair could an impure heart."

Veiranna spoke her last sentance with such confidence that it took her several seconds to realize exactly what she said. Her face drained of color when she realized what she said.

"No... I... I should have never... I-I should be going now."

"Do not be so quick to leave over a simple slip of the tongue. I need not hesitate to tell you how enchanting your appearance is; it as if I am looking at a being of divine origin whose captivating beauty makes the most beautiful of creatures around her look plain by comparison."

Veiranna turned scarlet and began to pick up the firewood she had dropped. As Veiranna bent over to pick up the firewood she dropped, Onar eyed her up like a merchant eyed up a good he was about to buy. Onar made sure to take in all the graceful slender curves he could see; Onar had bought all her dresses to be tailored to her figure. Onar noted how her breasts looked in her dress, she did not have the large, full breasts Mina had nor the supple, perfectly sized breasts Kaiara had, Veiranna was of a slender build like Kaiara and smaller breasts to match her build. Typically Onar would have found Veiranna's breasts not full enough for his liking as he prefered breasts like Mina's; Onar 's taste catered to more exaggerated expressions of feminine sexuality, but on Veiranna, her smaller breasts seemed to portray her innocence and youth and that to Onar was more arousing then anything else. As Veiranna walked away, Onar's eyes became drawn to the graceful sway of her slender hips; the dress was tight enough that each swish of her hips would carry the fabric before her hips leavina hypontizing effect on Onar. Veiranna stopped as she reached the end of the hall, halted by Onar's voice.

"May I escort you to your destination if you will not let me carry the wood for you. I find myself desirous to remain in your company."

"I... I cannot, Mina said if I make myself... vulnerable to... to you... I... I need to... to stay... away... from..."

"Ignore Mina, she has her own motivations and desires which are not the same as your, listen to your own voice and pursue what you want."

"She wants what is best for me, I know that... being that my world is so very small I have to rely on the wisdom of others."

Onar felt hideous anger rise up in him; why could the girl simply not be stupid as well as naive?

"Others are fools! Trusting the motivations of others only leads to death, impotence and failure! You think these weak humans actually put your own needs before theirs? Humans are liars, cravens and traitors, look what happened to my father for trusting the loyalty of man! The motivation of ambition consumes man, all that race can think about is their own gain!"

As soon as Onar said his piece, he wished he had not; the gods where to blame for this, with his diminshed power, so too diminished was his self-control and the ability to execute on his cunning. Suprizingly Veiranna did not seem the least bit flustered, she appeared to understand that his words where the demons of his past exposed.

"I am... I am human... can... can you trust... me?"

"You want to hear a yes; why would I say anything different then what you wish to hear? My answer is meaningless."

Veiranna blushed.

"Not... not from you..."

"I suppose, from what I said, I am one of the few you can trust; I have the magnificance of a fire dragon contained within my essence and my honor as such makes lies detestable... but that is not why you trust me is it?"

Onar's eyes penetrated deep into Veiranna's; the girl's breath became short and after eventually managing to break eye contact, she flushed a deep crimson, a mix of embrassment and shame.

"That... that must be what it is... it is like to... to be with... to be with a... a... a man."

The poor child looked horrified at her revaluation, shame and fear seemed to emenate from her.

"You are being silly, my dear Veiranna, though that is the fault of your sex rather then your own doing. Being with a man is more then just being vulnerable; if vulnerability was teh same as lying with someone, there would be no virgins in this world. Every expression of power would be the same as lying with someone. My dear Veiranna, our society is built upon vulnerability to those who rule without the loss of honor. You have no reason to fear me; know that I would never bring you dishonor..." a wolfish look came over Onar's faceas he added softly, "Unless of course, you desired so."

"I-I do not... and it would seem that... that this... this act of which... which men and... and women partake... is... is strange and... and frightening."

By now it appeared to Onar as if all of Veiranna's blood had found its way to her face; he liked the way she was embarassed and ashamed to speak of sex as it was not a thought that should sit well with a woman in Onar's mind.

"As... as we are still... still... um... well... on... on the... the... topic... the topic of... what... what men... and... and women... well..."

"Yes my pretty little alfor (a spirit similar to the ljus alfs of nordic mythology)?"

"I cannot speak at such a topic... it feels shameful to my lips... let me ask you... you asked me if... if I believed it true... now I ask you if it... if it is... is indeed true..."

Onar was suprized, had she not said she did not believe the stories? Why was she asking him now then, he thought, why did women have to be so interested in this topic? Human women never understood his actions, hell even his own sister who was half-dragon herself seeming incapable of understanding, but pureblooded female dragons, they understood the reasons of male dragons, why could not other females understand as well?

"There lies truth within those stories; I am forced to say there are some women who I pocess the guilt of, not the innocence of, gaining intimate knowledge of and but once at that, but it is not my choice, there are certain characteristics of my unique heritage that can lead to undesirible consequences. For example dragons have emotional ranged far beyond mortals; I can feel emotions thousands of times stronger then you can and unlike my draconic ancestors, because of the current state I am in I can only control my emotions as well as my human ancestors, though it goes without saying I am bettering myself, a magnificant creature such as myself can change when he needs to... specifically if he has found a reason to change."

Onar held up the midnight blue Dragonstone around his neck.

"This here is the cause of all my problems. Thousands of years ago, when the alfor still ruled portions of this world, the gods became afraid of my line. Vaelhorn had waged war against the unjust gods of this world. Vaelhorn slew many gods, but he was eventually over come; shortly after that, the falling of the dragons began, the Landreal (I'll explain who/what he is if anyone wants to know) reached out into the world and whispered to the dragons driving the weaker ones mad. The gods began to worry that this would happen to my line, that like Vaelhorn we would wage war against the gods, like Fairaith we realize what is our and claim it or do as so many dragons did and fall. They came to my ancestor, the last of the Vaelhorns to pocess full power, Kailorn Fireheart and demanded that he surrender some of his power to this acursed jewel. Naturally he refused to do so and the craven gods attacked him; he fought valiantly, but he was greatly outnumbered and they where able to bind him and leech much of his power away, leaving it in this stone, the gods then did the same to his wife, Vaeora. The gods then gave these necklaces to Kailorn and Vaeora, saying that now these necklaces, which contained much of their soul, would use the power trapped with in to protect them in times of need, but it would not allow them to freely wield such power. The gods hoped that lessening my ancestors' power, that my ancestors, as mere equals to the likes of the alfor, not become corrupted by the amount of power they could now wield. The nerve of the gods of this world, dragons could control their desires far better than gods could."

"I... I do not claim that... that the gods are themselves perfect... because they... they are not, but... but maybe... myabe there... there is some... wisdom in... in their actions... it takes a... a very strong person to... to resist the... the tempation of power... and-and I am... I am not saying you are... you are not strong enough to resist the sway of...power... but... but the gods really cannot take the... the chance... can they? There are enough powerful creatures already to... to upset the balance of... of our world."

"Dragons created the balance of this world dear child; Vaelhorn was responsible for the destuction of countless numbers of wicked and foul creatures harmful to the nurturing of civilization. The gods have no right to play caretaker of this wordl, let alone take action against those who possess the deed to this world."

"But... if... I... if the... the gods had... had not done this... this to you... I... I would... I would have.... have never... would... would we have ever met?"

A soft smile spread across Onar's face.

"Maybe there are blessing to this curse; maybe I should be thankful for the small number of things my situation has given me."

Veiranna allowed a quick, somewhat flustered smile across her face before she headed off to her destination. Onar was pleased that Veiranna's naivete kept her from probing the answers to his sex life; he cared little about what he said, so long as it was true, twisting or omitting the truth was no problem for Onar, so long as the actual words he said where not lies.

 

Beautiful! No suggestions.. but I just wanted to express my emotions!

 

trying to read that is a pain - the formatting is way off. how about trying something like, oh, describing the way she is actuing in between sentenes rather than tunning them all together with mutilated punctuation?

 

WAY too many ellipses (...). I know you are trying to make the character who she is by doing that, but the unbelievable amount of ellipses is very distracting.

 

Agreed on the ellipses -- some authors use them fine, especially to represent a confusion of ideas or language in what someone is saying, but you may as well write, "she stammered incoherently" instead of "XYZ... X... YZ... ABC.. DEF..."