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Exercice de Style

Discussion in 'Creativity Surge' started by Lady Luthien, Apr 17, 2004.

  1. Lady Luthien Gems: 6/31
    Latest gem: Jasper

    Joined:
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    Remove all ads!
    [​IMG] Okay, a poem yet again :rolleyes: . Still, I hope it will be more fun to read than my other ones.
    I wrote it about a year ago to work on my deconstructivism (ahem...).

    Go figure it out! :D


    She brushed her hair away to see
    To sea, to sea! The boat has left.
    Or right, for sure, she didn’t know
    No! Surely it was to the left…

    A bright seagull briskly flew by
    Flu bye, bye, she was healthy there
    Sea baths worked wonders, ocean air
    Of noble family adored her…

    He was about to give the ring
    Ring, ring! The doorbell cast the sound
    And safe he was on arrival
    Who worshipped duels but was bound…

    She played with shells, and thoughts, and rocks
    That she gave to her baby’s bed
    Ugly, evil memories that she sometimes had
    been hurting with a bad migraine…
     
    Lady Luthien, Apr 17, 2004
    #1

  2. Oxymore Gems: 13/31
    Latest gem: Ziose

    Joined:
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    Unsettling to say the least.

    The beggining reminds me of the little marabout de ficelle game:
    ...- marabout - bout de ficelle - selle de cheval - cheval de course - course à pied - pied à terre - terre de Feu... :hahaerr:
     
    Oxymore, Apr 18, 2004
    #2

  3. Namuras Gems: 13/31
    Latest gem: Ziose

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    Aug 21, 2001
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    [​IMG] Heh, very cool. :D

    However, I think that if you start by using a strict and regular meter (and you do) it would do the poem well to keep that meter more or less intact throughout. For example:

    "A bright seagull briskly flew by" could be changed to "A seagull bright flew briskly by", which lets you keep the iambic line. Oh, and nice alliteration there. :)

    [relurk]
     
    Namuras, Apr 18, 2004
    #3

  4. SleepleSS Gems: 24/31
    Latest gem: Water Opal

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    [​IMG] I like it, it makes me happy for some strange reason...

    It sounds like a cool song to sing while you're waiting on a shore!
     
    SleepleSS, Apr 18, 2004
    #4

  5. Rednik Gems: 21/31
    Latest gem: Pearl

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    Very good, I liked it a lot.

    There is a palpable rhythm and tempo to it.
     
    Rednik, Apr 18, 2004
    #5
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