Feeling like crap

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I was dumped a little over 2 weeks ago after being with the guy for 3 and a half years and I honestly feel unwanted and Ive tried to make friends but it just isnt working.

 

Breakups blow. It's a universal truth. Anyone who's ever been dumped felt exactly like you feel now. And the longer you were together, the more it hurts.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it'll get better. One day soon you'll notice it hurts a little bit less, and then a little less, and so on, until eventually you realize it doesn't hurt at all.

My advice would be to keep busy, and try to get involved in something new. Or at least, become active in a group of some kind where you have a shared interest. Volunteer for a charity group, join a team sport, join a professional organization (for whatever your career is) or student group (if you're still in school). You'll eventually find a nice guy you have something in common with, and it'll grow from there.

What part of the country do you live in? Is there much of a gay community in your area?

PS - Feel free to shoot me a PM if you feel like talking off-boards. Among my friends, I'm sort of known as a "Jimmy the Bartender" type.

 

I happen to be in the michiana area which is part of northern Indiana and southern Michigan. My first ex who I was with for a few short months is sopose to help me find someone new. but with his work schedule I dont know. Ive been trying to keep busy with video games and watching tv. as for getting around that is impossible as I am blind in one eye and have autism so the state wont give me a drivers license so I cant get a job or anything eaither.

 

Ah. Gotcha.

Well one thing I would say is not to be in too big of a hurry to find someone new. This is for two reasons. 1) "Rebound" relationships, as they're called, tend to be unhealthy and unsatisfying. 2) In my experience, the more eager you are to find a new love, the less appealing you are to potential mates. Desperation tends to have a counter-productive effect, and is often palpable. You have to remind yourself that you will definitely find someone new eventually. You just have to be willing to put yourself out there as much as possible, however limited your capacity to get "out there" may be.

What kind of area do you live in? Rural? Small town? An urban area? How difficult is it for you to get around by public transportation or walking?

 

Small town with no public transport. Im aware of rebound relationships and thats what I this has honestly cost me my 3 and a half year relationship. the idiot I was with got together with somoene who was dumped by his previous mate for a female. So yeah. Right now i am just looking for a friend to help me out. someone who would wanna at least cuddle with me.

 

Well, I'm no help there, sadly. All the single gay friends of mine are in the Chicago area. Otherwise I'd be happy to hook you up.

Even in a small town, there's got to be a few people who'd make a good match for you. It sucks, I know - especially considering the handicapping of your odds (the relatively small gay population to begin with, exacerbated by the small town factor). But you've got to keep a positive attitude. There's probably another lonely guy in your town right now thinking the same thing, you two just haven't crossed paths yet for whatever reason.

Chin up, Topken. To quote one of my favorite lines from the mostly awful (but partially excellent) Vanilla Sky, "One day you'll know what love truly is. It's the sour and the sweet. And I know sour, which allows me to appreciate the sweet."

 

I had plenty of sour and sweet in my last relationship so I am well aware of that.

 

Oh, here's an idea. Have you ever tried a dating site? They sound like bunk, I know, but I've had a few friends who've had remarkably good results on Match.com. Couldn't hurt.

 

Considering you need a credit card for those and I dont have one I cant use them

 

Have you thought about bear traps? Or rohypnol?

Just casting ideas out there.

 

What are you talking about Barmy?

 

Flunitrazepam.

 

I still dont get what your saying Barmy

 

It's OK, I was only having a joke.

Break ups are crap. Simple as that. We've all been there. I, myself, did only a month or two ago. Everything you see will remind you of them and things you used to do together. You will get upset a lot, especially when you're tired. Noone can say anything to make it better. You just have to take comfort from the fact that it does get better with time. I'm only just about getting over my ex now.

Spend time with your friends, spend time with your family. Go round to your parents and tell them all about it, and let your mum cook you a big massive meal, because everyone feels better after a chat, a cup of tea and a feed. Do loads of things to take your mind off it. When you go to sleep, put a film on to go to sleep to so that you've got something else to concentrate on other than them.

You'll be alright, trust me. Ex's are ex's for a reason.

 

I guess ive got a few chatrooms and forums to hang out in. Problem with the firends is that I barely have any right now. I am basically stuck at home and cant really get out to get some. but i do have a couple that may help me out some. one of them will try and help me find a new person to help take my mind off my ex. How long were you and your ex together Barmy?

 

2 and a half years. She spent practically every night at mine. It was dead weird trying to sleep in an empty bed, and at first I had trouble getting to sleep. I still miss her like crazy. Sod it though, there's nothing I can do about it now so there's no point thinking about it.

Moping about it gets nobody nowhere. Think hard on that and try to remember it. You have to crack on with life.

 

Cant really get out and do things so I have been trying to be a busy bee around the house and internet so I can get my mind of him but its just not helping much. I could try to work on my novel but since one of the characters is based off him that would be rough on me. Ive been watching anime and tv a lot as well as trying ti play video games. Im only 23 go figure.

 

I am 30 years old and have never had a serious relationship. It is possible to get by on your own you know? You come across as extremely needy here and I can tell you that it is not a good vibe to send out if you want to get in contact with people. Learn how to like and live with yourself first.

I would love to find love (pun intended) and companionship but not at any cost. People should not need to define themselves by who they share a bed with. Seen so many people who just cling to the first best person cause they can't stand being alone and it honestly sickens me. Is really anyone better than no one? I am rather resigned towards spending my life alone but rather alone than in a crappy relationship as way way too many people seem to do.

You have autism and are in such a need for companionship and physical intimacy? I thought one of the main characteristics of that disorder was that the person had no need or interest in such things.

 

Er, no, Joa, one of the main characteristics is sensory perceptions can easily be overloaded or common sensations can cause a lot of discomfort. A relatively common one is physical touch is uncomfortable but there's a lot more to it than simply having no interest!

It is also certainly not needy to miss companionship and want a friend after a break up either. Though pining can stop you meeting someone else, even just for friendship. When you meet someone then talking about your ex is an indicator you're not looking for someone new. If people ask about your current relationship then saying your 'recently single, but you're not here to talk about him'

What hobbies do you have and what is available in your local area? Community centres or sports halls sometimes run single day events or courses which are a good way to meet new people if there is anything local. Websites or a phone call to the place can get them to send you information on what's on in the coming month. If you need to drive there then ask your friend to come along and try something new, most of the courses and events are run bearing a work schedule in mind.

I'm 22 and my other half started a new job yesterday, so I can sympathise with being stuck in the house. I usually have enough energy to get myself to the university and back but anything beyond that is often too tiring. Differing circumstances, similar situations. Coursework occupies me a lot of the time but I've also learnt to surround myself with options - Games, FTP MMOs, Warhammer, Coding, Writing, reading up on RPGs, Worldbuilding. As I know personally I have a lot of difficulty focusing on similar tasks without getting headaches. It also means now Kev is at work from 7am until 8pm I can still occupy myself.

I hope you find something you can try and enjoy the works out for you.

 

I think trying to activate your creativity is a good idea, for a couple reasons. First, your going to think about your ex anyway, no matter what you do. As you no doubt already know, having distractions is helpful, but it just makes you think of the ex slightly less frequently. But thinking about them is a necessary part of getting over them. No one just turns them off.

Second, you might be astonished at what you come up with creatively. There's a school of thought that says that a lot of good art is produced when the artist is addled in some way, and with the cocktail of chemicals racing around in your head right now, you're probably well-addled.

So you can sort of kill two birds with one stone - purge yourself by going through all the necessary crap that eventually means you 'got over' them, and make something worthwhile that serves as your statement about the whole experience. You'll be proud of yourself when it's over.