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Funny quotes

Discussion in 'Whatnots' started by Faerus Stoneslammer, Aug 21, 2002.

  1. Faerus Stoneslammer Gems: 16/31
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    Remove all ads!
    [​IMG] Answer:"I would not want to live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we can't live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
    -Miss Alabama, in the 1994 Miss USA Contest

    "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
    -Mariah Carey

    "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
    -Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal antismoking campaign.

    "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
    -Winston Bennett, U of Kentucky basketball forward

    "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
    -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington DC

    "I'm not gonna have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president!"
    -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

    "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it!"
    -A congressional candidate in Texas

    "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
    -John Wayne

    "Half this game is ninety-percent mental."
    -Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

    "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
    -Al Gore (when he was VP)

    "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
    -Dan Quayle

    "It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
    -George Bush, US President

    "We've got to pause and ask ourselves; 'How much clean air do we need'"?
    -Lee Iacocca

    "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
    -Colonel Oliver North, from his Iron Contra testimony

    "The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
    -Joe Theismann, NFL quarterback and sports analyst

    "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
    -Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

    "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
    -Bill Clinton (when he was president)

    "We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur."
    -Al Gore (when he was VP)

    "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
    -Keppel Enderbery

    "Your food stamps will be stopped effectively March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
    -Dept. of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

    "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
    -Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

    :bang: :bang: :bang: :bang: :bang:
     
    Faerus Stoneslammer, Aug 21, 2002
    #1

  2. idoru Gems: 11/31
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    And one that isn't stupid:

    "I wrote a song about dental floss but did anyone's teeth get cleaner?"

    - Frank Zappa, in response to Tipper Gore's allegations that music incites people towards deviant behavior, or influences their behavior in general.
     
    idoru, Aug 21, 2002
    #2
  3. Blackthorne TA

    Blackthorne TA Master in his Own Mind Staff Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) New Server Contributor [2012] (for helping Sorcerer's Place lease a new, more powerful server!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
    I've seen this attributed to Dan Quayle in a SF novel I'm now reading, though I don't know how accurate the attributions are.

    Every chapter heading has a stupid quote attributed to him; I'm not sure why (though they are vaguely in line with the chapter topic), but it's pretty damned funny. Here are a few from the first chapters:

    "The future will be better tomorrow."

    "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that word is, 'to be prepared.'"

    "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

    "I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future."

    "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

    "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

    "For NASA, space is still a high priority."

    "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." (Trying to recall the United Negro College Fund motto "A mind is a terrible thing to waste.")
     
    Blackthorne TA, Aug 21, 2002
    #3

  4. SlimShogun Gems: 13/31
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    SlimShogun, Aug 21, 2002
    #4

  5. Sprite Gems: 15/31
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    BTA, I've read that book too, and now for the life of me I can't remember which one it is. A Neal Stephenson maybe? PLEASE enlighten me or it will keep me awake at night...

    [It's Callahan's Key by Spider Robinson - BTA]

    [ August 21, 2002, 18:56: Message edited by: Blackthorne TA ]
     
    Sprite, Aug 21, 2002
    #5

  6. xlMacStroudlx Banned

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    'Dont drink and drive, it spills EVERYWHERE!'

    :wave: :bang: :wave: :bang: :wave:
     
    xlMacStroudlx, Aug 21, 2002
    #6
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