Have I blown it?

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Yes, it's a question regarding whether I've screwed up my love life. I need the opinion of people who don't know the girl in question. As far as I know, that's everyone here. I really cannot quite believe I'm admitting this; it's the first time I've openly admitted this to anyone, in case the bubble bursts. But I can't cope anymore with having only my own opinion, since my own opinion has become rather confused.

There's a girl I've liked for quite a while now; around a year and a half. About a year ago I finally found an excuse to talk to her, and we became friends. Fearing or friendship to be fragile, I made no advances.

About six months ago, we attended a party together, being transported together, and we became closer. Firset dilemma occurs here. I thought nothing of this at the time. She was the one that suggested that I take her to the party. At the party, I spent more time with other friends than her. Did she expect that to be an informal date? I hate being so clueless about women. Regardless, our friendship continued afterwards as it always had. She subsequently began sitting with me a lot more in school.

A month later, and another party. She came alone. I was drunk, and openly flirted with her, as was clear to all that saw it. However, it was drunken flirting, so not too flattering, and included an attempt to stroke her hair, which I would never have done were I sober. At the end of the evening I received a hug for my troubles, and I felt elated. She has never been entirely comfortable with hugging anyone except her boyfriends, from what I've seen. The next day I apologised for my behaviour, and she said that she understood, since I was drunk. However, afterwards, she avoided me. She sat with me less, which got me worried. I hadn't thought my actions bad enough to drive her away. That was the point I believed I'd shattered my chances.

That would be the end of the tale, were it not for a party we both attended last night. She brought her new boyfriend, which nearly killed me. But the two of them didn't seem too close. Although they spent most of the evening together, and embraced a lot, they didn't speak much. I stayed mostly sober, and she and I spent more time together, although it was under the watchful eye of her boyfriend. He was rather cold towards me; possibly he'd been told of how I feel. I was cold towards him, due to (and I admit it) jealousy. We all stayed the night at that house, and I ended up sleeping in the same room as the pair, plus a couple of other friends, all on sofas. They slept in each others arms. But, at about half five in the morning, I woke, and it seemed she had as well. She, believing me to be asleep, walked over to me and put her blanket over me, and I feigned sleep. I hope I'm not reading too much into all this, but could there be a possibility for any feelings on her part? The mixed messages I'm getting from her have really confused me, and it could just be that I'm seeing what I want to. She's quite a shy girl, and I'm quite a shy boy, so she may think I'm not interested. But I really don't know.

I apologise for such a long rant. It does feel good to say it all, though; even though in the wider context of my life it will make little difference, since in four months I will never see her again, because of university. But, a question for the love gods of SP: as the title says, have I blown it? Or is there still a possibility there?

 

An interesting tale indeed, I've had a few similar situations myself. Interprenting a girl's/woman's feelings can really be a pain. From what I've heard she might think that you have feelings towards her and feel uncomoftable with the situation. I'm not entirely striking out the possibility that she might have feelings towards you but it sounds to me more like she wants to be a good friend with you rather than your girlfriend. Good friendships can evolve to love eventually but the problem is that when you are a very good friend with someone eventually it will come to the point where she could not even imagine being your girlfriend and that's pretty much allways a point of no-return. Anyway I consider it a bit wishful thinking when you interprent that as her having feelings towards you, and when you hope for something too much that tends to happen. I know from expirience.

The best way to be sure is to talk to her about it, but I'm pretty sure you would not do it, I'm sure as hell I would not. I and many other men are real cowards when it comes to talking about our feelings. These issues are sensitive and taking that step of talking about it is a very long and difficult one.

Anyway I'm no expert in these things. I'm a normal teenaged man with not too long expirience in dating so as allways it's really up to you.

 

What you did "wrong" (like there's anything right or wrong in such things) was apologising. It looks like she liked your attempts at stroking her hair and enjoyed the flirting and hugging, but apologising made her feel bad. She probably felt low about herself, taking it that you would never have flirted or done anything with her if sober. She took it as a rebuke and got herself a new boyfriend when she was on rebound.

You're probably right and they aren't close. Perhaps she didn't even want all the embracing and sleeping in each other's arms with her new boyfriend. Covering you with her blanket was way more meaningful.

Again, I'm not saying she's in love with you judging from this. It may well have been friendly or even simply compassionate, although I do think there was more to it.

Still, I wouldn't suggest entering into a relationship with a girl that sleeps in a guy's arms if they don't know each other. Heck, taking a guy you don't know for a boyfriend doesn't make you look serious or stable. Again, maybe she got him as a comforter after the perceived dumping from you.

All in all, I suggest an honest talk. Before you make her dump that guy, make your mind if you really want her or not, if you're ready for a relationship etc. Remember, it's about love. Not about being someone's boyfriend or girlfriend. What you are doing is finding the right girl with whom you want to share your life. Simply getting a girlfriend is pointless and not worth it. It tends to be better to leave things at the friends stage if only you can. Nature will help itself when the big thing comes. In the meantime, having many friends, including females, will help you decide what you want from life. I know this sounds strange and difficult, but ultimately, it's the better way.

And don't be fooled by things like holding hands, embracing, polite kissing, sitting on lap etc. It's usually between lovers, but sometimes friends also do that. It simply means some kind of closeness and maybe love and may imply romantic feelings but doesn't have to signify relationship interest.

[ May 01, 2005, 22:51: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

Hmm, I hope this doesn't sound cruel, but...don't get your hopes up. This is much like a case of "you're special to me, but not that kind of special." I think the fact that she avoided you after your flirting meant to show that she wasn't interested in you that way... avoiding you to spare you (and herself) further heartache.

She definitely cares for you though.

[edit: this is purely on instinct and experience, for a well-founded, more rational analysis: see Chev ]

 

Hmm... Yeah, I know that from somewhere and can't really understand it. It probably means you're oh so special but not sexy enough. Or I don't know what. Sometimes a woman has a fast-progressing fascination with a man with also feelings involved but doesn't want a relationship with him. Kill me if I know how it works.

Aha, one more thing. People tend still to care for former love interests. Nostalgy, sense of some commitment still being around even if there's no more love, some platonic feelings... whatever. Taking a blanket to cover the person is very much like it. Again, I've done it for friends who have never been girlfriends and they have done the same to me.

 

Well, you've spent ages writing a long post in here about it instead of parking the beef bus in tuna town, so I'd guess it's pretty blown!

 

Sociology...
Psychoanalysis....
Consolation...
In depth relationship advice...

And then a metaphor involving not only sex, but food and driving. Starring a bus made of red meat.

Excellent job BA

 

Does she know that you have romantic feelings towards her when you're sober and not only when you're drunk? If she does Uytuun is right, if not then Chev is right(his first post).
Of course it's only my opinion.

 

About the only chance you have to know one way or another is to outright talk to her honestly. We're guys, we don't take hints. The only way to know one way or the other is to come right out and talk to her...

 

@Rhetorical

lol

My 2 cents? Pretty much the same as many have already said. Don't read too much into it, she's probably just trying to be a good friend and, as you said, she already has a boyfriend.

 

You waited for a year and a half before you got around to speaking to her? What is wrong with you man?

 

Or even only six months if you can handle baisic mathematical equations!

And come on Sarevok - you're a guy, you know as well as anyone that girls are scary, and much, much scarier if you like them!!

 

Let me tell you something: go and talk to her. Right now. Face to face, tell her everything. No beating around the bush, no sissy sceneries and acting. Just say what you need to say.

If this helps you, I have just done the same. And I hope she will listen to me. I can't live without her. She defines my views of a woman. I screwed up far worse than you but I'm still trying and still hoping she will talk with me again.

 

After much pondering, I'd come to the same conclusion. On monday I'll have a talk with her. Even if there's no reciprocation of feelings, at least I'll have told her.

 

Ah, you're right, 6 months it is Anyway, girls are only scary for people with no confidence. What is it that is scary about them?

 

The potential for venereal disease, perhaps?

 

I have always wondered what it is that is scary about girls, too.

AMaster, that is not much of a problem.

 

I would recommend talking to her, which you have already decided to do. I hope that it goes well.

Good luck. Let us know how it turns out.

 

If you really want this girl, you will have to tell her your toughts, and don't apologise for anything. Show some confidence - most women love confident males (but some males confuse arrogance with confidence).

 

Is it good news? Or is it bad? I don't know yet.

She said she'd talk to me about it tomorrow. Is she trying to get her thoughts in order, or is she trying to find a polite way to say No?

Bah, another day.