How to be a macho man

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1 OPENING JARS - she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it
effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's
work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids
makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce
tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
cri*pling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here
love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and as you
thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish,....
noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards
the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles
to catch up with you. , you're hard and you rule.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they
just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness,
sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to
share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it
says,"but someone's got to keep the little scr*tes in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that
becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are p*ssed. However, the rest of
the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or bre*st man" to the
blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, now
you're "The Daddy".

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms
with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item.
Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber
later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only
thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight
to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is
then. Seven. See ya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes
you the worlds best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the
fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand
there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut
while theother nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.


22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make
a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad,
bint?"

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right,
i'm going in there for a huge, long, man-sized sh*te.

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a
man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in
hospital".

 

Sage advice. It must be all the Hasselhoff influences.

Edit: Misspelt David's name!

 

Quality that mate. Enjoyed it. Nice one.

 

Sweet. True anywhere.

 

Yes its applies everywhere, but I had to ask some English friends what certain words and phrases meant.

 

Words to live by. Except #14, which is just nuts because there's nothing macho about a heart attack.

 

Macho men have it easier. For some reason, I don't want to be one, though. I don't want to be an insensitive thick-skinned guy. I somehow prefer to try to be caring and considerate and get hurt in the process.

 

Chev, you can still be caring AND go to the hardware shop and swing a hammer. They're not mutually exclusive.
Anyway, sharpening a pencil with a knife SHOWS that you care.

 

How does eating meat off the knife count, opening letters, beer and computer parts parcels with a sword, attacking boxing bags bare-handed until blood flows, drinking ten shots of booze with no visible effect* or going on caffeine for weeks?

* Don't try. Seriously. Unless you already have.

 

Chev - they only count if someone is watching.

 

Everytime I hear the Village People sing "Macho Man" I just want to laugh. The word macho will never be the same. How about "Ruggedly Handsome"

 

Eh... if that copunts, I haver to sue someone - I got thwe wrong set of parts!