I have an admission to make

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As much as I've tried to keep this from all of you (and perhaps even keep from admitting it to myself), I find I simply cannot do it anymore. My mother is dying. Ironically, slower than she would like, as she has said several times (as best as she is able with her current speech difficulties), "I just want it to be over." Her second surgery several weeks ago did go well in that they got out all of the brain tumor they could see, but it also claimed a terrible price: she is paralyzed on the right side of her body.

Because of this, they would not allow me to care for her myself, and forced her into a nursing home, where she has been since. But her HMO is about to cut the funding and she will be returning home in five days, with care split between me, a Hospice nurse who can only come for an hour a day, and someone who I will be paying to come live in our home 24/7. Adding to the difficulty are paranoid delusions that she is beginning to manifest as the tumor regrows, and I am not sure what I will be able to do if she turns on me or the other caregiver. I can only hope that what my uncle's partner has said about her mood swinging to make her forget her prior delusions is true.

In another bit of irony, most of the people close to us seem to be concerned about my financial situation after she passes, when I could not possibly give less of a ****. But before you all go riding to their defense and insist that I make sure that it is taken care of, let me say that we have just gotten back from a meeting with a lawyer today that settled that even to my uncle's satisfaction. Financially, I will be fine. Emotionally, I am not so sure, because I can't stop crying even as I type this.

But, this brings me to the other thing I wanted to say, hopefully before I am forced to stop typing. And that is that I am so appreciative of the support that you have all given me in this past year, even without knowing it. Having you all to talk to has helped me more than even I likely realize, and for that I give you all my deepest thanks and gratitude. I do not know how I would have managed without you.

This is not a goodbye however, as I hope to stay as active as I am able, but caring for my mother must come first as I'm sure you all realize. Come Sunday, I may not be here as much as I have been, but I will not disappear; you have come to mean too much to me to allow that. Again, thank you all so much for everything.

Felinoid

 

Ohh, Fel, I'm so sorry! I wish there was something I could do to help, but I'm afraid there is nothing I can do other than offer my support and sympathy. I am so, so sorry.

 

I know too well what it's like to lose a loved one, Big Cat. Of course losing a fiancee is not like losing a parent, but still.

The only thing I can possibly do is send my best wishes your way, and hope everything turns out for the best, well, as best as the situation allows, that is.

Blech, I completly suck at that type of thing.

Anyways, if I can help in any way, just let me know.

 

We are here for you. Can't type much as I have tears in my eyes. I have been there.

 

You're in my prayers, Felinoid.

 

/hugs Felinoid

 

I'm so sad on your behalf. It's an awfull illness, and it WILL be very hard for you. I send you all my best thoughts.

This is quite normal with brain tumors, but your feelings towards this must/will be hard to cope with. Rest assured, that behind paranoia your mothers memory af whom you are will prevail. The best thing you can do for your mother, is AFAIK what you are doing right now.

Don't stop, it's a good, natural way to give you emotionally relief, I guess.

Of course! We are here for you, when you need us!

 

I don't know what to say, Fel .
My heart goes out to you mate .

 

Praying for your mum and you. Hoping for the best. I don't envy you. You have my support and I'm here if you need to talk.

 

I'm so sorry Fel

Please know that whenever you need to talk, we are all here * Hugs *

 

Sorry to hear that Fel; I know what you are feeling; it happens the same with my mom...

Best wishes.

 

/me hugs Fel long and hard

 

That's got to be one of the toughest things that anybody could ever go through. Glad that we are able to help, if only in the minutest way.

 

I feel really sorry for you, Fel. And I feel slightly useless as well, cause all I can do is type some hollow words and express my sympathy. I think we all want to do more than that.

I'll remember you in my prayers and ask for wisdom and strength for both you and your mother.

Don't forget, though, that sometimes our hardest times turn out to be the most precious times of our lives.

 

I'm really sorry, Felinoid.

 

What you do for your mother is exceptional, Fel.

My grandmother has also been diagnosed with a brain tumor recently, and although it is hardly comparable, I think I understand a fragment of your frustrations, fears and tears.

Don't be afraid to rest your head on a comforting shoulder. You're strong for your mum, but you're not made out of stone.

Respect for you.

 

Damn, that's rough. I'm so sorry Fel, I don't really know what to say. You've always got friends here.

 

I'm so sorry for you Fel. My best wishes go with you.

 

That's really tough Fel - I wish you the best and I hope that you'll still be able to grace us with your presence from time-to-time, firstly for the entirely selfish reason that I enjoy your posts and secondly because I'm sure it'll do you good to escape occasionally. My uncle died of a brain tumour a while ago, and my aunt and cousins both found the toughest part to be the effect that the tumour had upon his personality toward the end.

You've done plenty for this community, and we'll be here for you anytime when needed. Take care, Big Cat.

 

I'm really sorry Fel, to hear this I was hoping the last rounds of treatment would do more for you. My very best wishes to you and yours always.

If there is anything I can to do help then shout.

/me hugs Fel