Is it ever OK to have an affair with a married woman?

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I have a friend who is having an affair with a married woman. I am not sure how long she has been married, or exactly how many kids she has, but there are several. He says he has no feelings of guilt what-so-ever about the whole affair.
Here's why:
-the husband is very abusive, both physically and verbally
-he's an alchoholic
-he has an extremely volatile temper
-he is very controling
-he's cheated on her
Obviously the wife is not being fulfilled sexualy. Last week, the husband told her that she couldn't go out and that she had to stay home and cook him dinner. She left with her friend anyways and he got drunk and wrapped their brand new truck around a tree.
He works nights, so she gets a babysitter so she can meet with my friend and have sex with him. That's pretty much all they do is sneak around for sex.
I'm losing respect for my friend. He claims that because of the way the husband is, she has every right to cheat on him.
I disagree. Regardless of what he has done, she is still married and it doesn't give her the right to go and sleep with my friend. I feel that if the marriage is that bad, she needs to leave him. There are a ton of organizations here in the US that can help her get out of the situation, help put him in jail and help her financially. If my friend really wants to help her, he should be helping her get in contact with one of those organizations, not screwing around with her.
Am I right about this? Or am I totally in the dark?

[ September 22, 2003, 17:13: Message edited by: Blackthorne TA ]

 

I see it this way:

If her marriage is that bad, then she needs to get out. Economically it may be very difficult though regardless of support organisations.

If your friend wants to be in a relationship with this woman, he should help her get out of the mess that appears to be her marriage, not just "sneek around in the dark" so to speak.

If you have reasons to hand to justify your behaviour it's usually because you know you need them, and because you know you're not doing the right thing deep down.

Ultimately though, it does take two to tango, and your friend did not create the situation of the womans marriage. He is however making her feel better about her life, so I wouldn't condemn him either. Perhaps just encourage him to help her to get out?

 

My opinion is: you do not have an affair with a married woman. Period. After all, you would not like to be on the wrong end of such a stick, would you ?
Sure, one can try to justifiy him/herself, and might even have a point about bringing some peace or joy to another's life, but in the end the situation just gets more and more complex.
As both Elios and Viking said, in this case it would be better to help the lady get out of this mess before fooling around with her. The fact your friend does not do it leaves me a little bit suspicious about his intentions (i.e. how serious he is). Fact is, in the end he may end up hurting the woman even more.

But to me, marriage is a very important bond (call me traditionalist on this), one that cannot and should not be broken, no matter what.

 

I think the major point here is that your friend isnt cheating on anyone Elios, it is the wife that does all the cheating all on her own. Her crappy homelife is really no excuse, I am always annoyed at people using that as an excuse. If it is that bad why the hell do they stay in the marriage?

The guy isnt completely innocent and I dont think I would get involved with a married woman simply because I would never want to share a woman in that way but he is still not cheating, she is.

 

Depends on your criteria.

Legally then never.

Morally then probably in situations like this, I have to agree with the previous posts in that he should help her climb out of the hole she is in before having her body.

 

I would say having an affair with a married woman would be a good time...At least if you're the guy - and her husband doesn't find out.

Think about it...You get all the fun, without any of the responsibility of a relationship. How great is that?

 

It is all good and well until the husband finds out and kills you. At least here in Finland such things are quite usual and for that reason I would never even dare to have an affair with a married woman...

 

Like I said...There can be a down side.

 

Because i personally have been in a similar situation (had an affair with an engaged woman) i think your friend is going straight for troubles mentally or physically.
Secondly the fact that this woman lets her own child with a babysitter just to go out and have a "cigar", tells me that she is too to be blaimed for the situation in her house. And after all if she had such a bad time and abuse from her husband most probably she would already be out of there.
But even if this is true then your friend must start thinking what he wants from this woman (is he serious about this relationship?) or he is just fooling around trying to see if his d*** fits in different holes, abusing in reality this womans desperate need for a haven. Because the time he will get bored and walks out, this woman most probably will fall into depression with many bad consequences for her family.
Tell him to consider that and then ask him what he thinks about this affair he is having.

 

Well, I guess I'm going to be the voice against monogamy in this thread too. I think it is better to have an affair and stay in a bad marriage than it is to break your marriage vows completely by leaving your spouse. I consider abandonment of one's spouse to be completely morally unacceptable, and adultery only a minor infraction.

In the situation you describe, Elios, I think everyone involved is being immoral but it wouldn't be enough to cause me to think less of your friend, because he's not actually depriving the husband of anything. I think that an affair is proof that the inner life of a marriage is already completely bankrupt, because you wouldn't even want to deceive someone if you still have any shred of love or respect for them. Certainly it seems to be true in this case.

I think adultery is excusable in any of the following circumstances:
- When both spouses have consented in advance to an "open marriage".
- When the spouses are unavoidably parted for a long period of time (e.g. I would not blame a man off at war for a love affair with a local girl, nor for the lonely wife at home for taking up with the postman)
- When the "deceived" spouse is too ill to notice or care, and certainly too ill to fulfill his/her matrimonial duties

I've thought about this a lot because my mother's best friend was in the hospital for years, drifting in and out of unconsciousness, and her distraught, hurting husband found comfort in a lover whom he later married. A lot of his wife's friends and family blamed him for this but my mother knew his wife would have been so glad someone was able to help him with his burden of pain. I would hope my husband would find a lover to take good care of him if that ever happened to me, and in the case of my mother's friend, I would consider it a much worse violation if he had just said, "well, she hasn't spoken to me in four years so I'll just divorce her and marry my neighbour".

 

Well, to my mind, a promise is a promise, and regardless it should be kept. If you no longer feel like keeping the promise for whatever reason, get divorced first, then do whatever you want. My wife is considering a trip to Jamaica with some oil patch bastard, and it hurts like hell to even think about it.

 

So where is the dubious part?

People should care whom they marry, period. If they make a mistake, let them work on their spouses and get them back on the road of virtue, period.

Of course, adultery isn't the same if there's simply no normal life with the other spouse whose sole, or in major part, fault it is. There's no full excuse, no full justification, the sin or crime is lesser, I believe. In Christianity, the sin of adultery is believed to go largely on the other party's account, but no one just gets away with adultery. If your religion or beliefs do not hold marriage dissoluble, you can at least divorce before having such an affair.

Now there's the problem of what you consider affair and breach of marital vows: sex alone and only (but then rape isn't, so will isn't irrelevant), or being with someone else as your man/woman, even without sex. I can't condemn loving someone other than one's spouse platonically. In secret and fighting it and striving to extinguish it... or openly, in no secret from the spouse. Not like meeting other people even platonically, babbling about insatiable love etc. That won't go. I don't say it's not wrong, I only say I can't condemn such love. Because love in itself isn't wrong or sinful. Similarly it's not wrong or sinful if a woman or man just turns you on. It's only wrong when you submit to the tempation, even if it's gazing at that person and burning with lust, no touching

There's one more thing: there's always the possibility that your spouse will reform. No matter how small. If it happens to one in a million, you may be the one in the million as well as your neighbour or boss or brother etc. What would you do then? Especially with the other person...

Ultimately, if someone is an irreformable sick bastard/***** and it only reveals after the marriage (ie the poor spouse weren't informed of the circumstance beforehand), even RC grants you annulment since the oath wasn't taken wilfully (the reason why handicapped people don't get a marriage, for example). And if even RC gives you annulment, everyone else will

 

LKD, what's an "oil patch bastard"?

 

My personal opinion is right along with yours, Elios.

If he loves the woman, then why isn't he trying to help her out of her current situation as opposed to just using her?

You place a lot of blame on the husband, but I have to say that both could use some lessons in decency. Sure, the husband is definitely failing in that respect, but any woman who would leave her kids with a babysitter while she furthers her lusts isn't exactly ethical either.

 

Wow, Sprite.

WOW.

I would consider it not only immoral, but an afront to humanity as well, to stay in an un-happy marriage. A crime to stay in an abusive one, physically or emotionally. Although, hopping from marriage to marriage isn't the answer, either. I don't agree with the whole "only a husband can get you into Heaven" thing.

<Insert the female version of "Dude", here>



I agree with you on all the rest.


On a related side note: If you're not getting the hot sex like you want, someone's not putting out. This goes at least double for the guy as the girl. There is no reason *any* woman can't find a good man-slut for a husband. You might have to settle for somthing less than Benjamin Franklin or Arnold Schwarzenegger, but sex and spouse abuse should be the very last problems on the list. Good Lord, it's like America is the only one that has sailors anymore.

I think that girl needs to bail out of that abusive marriage, and find some confidence and a nice boy-toy.

 

I think that this discussion has more sides then one of Eschers cubes.

Newer generations seem to take marriage a lot less seriously then the older generations. I can think of at least two good friends that got married thinking that it was part of some wild and crazy adventure. One of these friends, I honestly believe, did not have the word monogamy in her vocabulary. Needless to say, their marriages didn't last very long.

The question asked, was if it was ever ok to have an affair with a married woman. I think that the answer depends upon how serious the person was when they went into the marriage and what kind of values the person considering having an affair has. The other main factor is how fair is this action to the third person in the picture, namely the other spouse.

 

My opinion:

I'd lose respect for your friend, too. He's using this woman, instead of helping her to break out of an abusive relationship. If she does have children, he's helping to worsen their situation, which is unforgiveable.

This is one of the most common mistakes made by women entering marriage. It's time to put this one to rest. Take off those rose-colored glasses and see your future spouse for what he/she is. Accept the fact that YOU cannot change the things you do not like about him/her. Ask yourself if you can live with these things - if not, it's time to move on.

There are often warning signs before the marriage, but women frequently ignore them or convince themselves they can reform their husband.

[ September 23, 2003, 08:10: Message edited by: Sojourner ]

 

Well, I do know my friend doesn't want anything more with the woman. He's said as much and one of the reasons is all the baggage the would come with a relationship with this woman.
The thing that bothers me even more is my friend got out of a crapy relationship and is most likely using this as a rebound, not that this justifies it one bit.
What amazes me is just how seriously some people take marriage today.
There is also another thing to consider with my friend. And this certainly does not justify it, but consider this. Both my friend and I have never met thie woman's husband. All three of us work at the same place, and no one else has met this guy either. All we know of him is from what she tells us about him. I've never seen any signs of physical abuse on her. They started "hooking up" shortly after my friend broke up with his girlfriend. Think there's a chance that she is feeding my friend bull in an effort to get him into bed? Its quite possible.

 

Hard to say. Have you ever seen her in short sleeves? Abusers frequently leave the face untouched.

 

Well this is exactly what i was talking about. Lets say for the sake of argument that this woman really needs a safe haven from her abusing husband, she finds it in your friends arms. With time she grows more and more depended on that untill one day she comes to your friend and tells him that she is leaving her husband and decided to build a new life with your friend included even without marriage but with all the rest. Your friend most probably will turn her down and imagine the rest of the story.
If on the other hand this woman says lies just to get your friend in the bed with her, then all i can say is that your friend is in danger since the first time he will try to break up with her, she will (99% sure about this), as a spoiled woman she must be, will tell her husband something that will surely make him wanna hit your friend hard.
I don't care for the marriage as a institution if you love someone you can stay together for all your life spam, without getting married,and to me counts the same. But when you are facing a situation like this you help the hurted person to come out of this swamp, you don't take advantage of this. At least this is the way i see it ( you may call me whatever you wish i learnt this the hard way).
Furthermore i believe that commiting an adultery is an abomination to yourself first and foremost, since you are kidding yourself by breaking a promise YOU gave and while do not have the gutts to keep it you excuse yourself by putting the blame to the other part of this relationship disregarding the fact that it is both fault that this did not work.

Ok the first and the third reason i accept but the third WTF. If you really love someone time is something that should not affect your faith to him/her. Maybe i am too stupid or romantic or whatever but this is how i see it.