Is This Man Cheating on His Wife?

I'm not sure I'd call it cheating in the conventional sense. However, as his wife says, one trades his own life for a virtual one and the real life spouse is abandoned. It's a better existence where real life problems don't apply and there's no room for real life relationships anymore. This is the chief problem.

I'll write more when I've got some sleep, as the rest calls for a longer analysis.

 

Yes, he's courting another woman (virtual, I understand, but emotions can be real) while married to the first wife. At the very least he's neglecting his real wife to seek the affections of a virtual woman...

 

Yeah, he may NOT be cheating as most would expect, but he essentially IS betraying his REAL wife in this respect.

 

E-cheating. That's a new one...

Taking in the fact that these two have only been married for seven months, these people need to give their relationship a serious evaluation. Are they really meant to be together if, after barely half a year one of them is becoming restless and unsatisfied?

But for the record, I don't consider this cheating as long as the man was open about his actions. Having a fake, e-relationship with someone should draw no more consequences than e-killing someone in a multiplayer game. Obviously, it will, but I don't think that it should. Just my two cents.

 

I would say that there is a huge difference between "e-killing" someone and have an "e-relationship" the bullets you kill someone with online are virtual but the words and feelings you share with people are as real whether they are shared face to face, on the phone, in a letter or online. As I see it spending time with a person in a game is no different from spending time with that person in a café or a restaurant.

 

As a man, I do not consider this cheating. However, I do not see any way a man could ever convince a woman that it isn't. Therefore it falls under the category of cheating as everyone knows, the women make the rules, and can change them whenever they want.

 

Is it cheating? Yes, I believe so.

 

If you don't consider this cheating, riddle me this: if you found out your wife was carrying on a romantic relationship with another man whom she met in a virtual world on the internet, and despite never meeting him in real life (yet!) she was spending time doing things for him and telling him reassuring nurturing things when she could be spending time with you, and that she'd developed a legitimate romantic attachment to this person...would she have your blessing to continue it?

There's no changing of the rules, here. The medium through which the infidelity is being channeled doesn't make it any less cheating. It's a real live man on the other end that she's developed real live feelings for. That's cheating.

 

His wife believes he is cheating. Fidelity is relative -- what matters is how the people emotionally involved feel. So if she believes he is cheating, he is cheating. He needs to stop if he cares about his wife.

joacqin: excellent point.

 

I agree with that to a point, T2. If my girlfriend caught me checking out another woman, or eating lunch with a beautiful female friend (of which I have several), she would be unreasonable to consider that cheating, since my intentions are pure. If I had a desire to or even made the slightest effort to persue either woman in question, she'd be justified.

So just because one party feels the other is cheating doesn't mean that they are. It depends on the actions, feelings and intentions of the other person, too.

 

Essentially, I agree with the view that in a carnal sense, it's not cheating (most likely). However, cyber sex would be cheating. If the people were really acting, as opposed to living vicarious lives, perhaps some levels of fake (acted) romance wouldn't be outrageous (if not really proper). However, so soon as the bodies of the players start reacting sexually, it becomes a form of sexual contact. Also, the purpose matters. Performing some activity with a non-spouse, while married, in order to achieve sexual satisfaction, is cheating and also in the carnal sense, if not the most direct one.

As for pretending to be married, well, do you see a problem in romance being roleplayed in pen and paper roleplaying sessions between players who are married or otherwise paired with someone else? It's a similar thing. I think one had better stay away from it for reason of harm possibly being done.

 

Chev, I think the big problem with your PnP analogy is again that this isn't people pretending to be other people so much as it is them living vicarious lives. Let me just say that if I found out my gf was having a relationship like that, I would ask her to choose between the virtual guy and me.

 

And what about the pen and paper scenario? Suppose she played some elven ranger, the other guy some kind of big human warrior, they would then theatrically fall in love and do things juicily described?

I suppose so long as everything were in third person and no one seemed to be getting off on it, you could tolerate it to some extent. But what if it were first person, what if they seemed to lose a sharp distinction between reality and roleplaying, what if they started to feel some special mutual kindness out of character as well, or what if they were apparently getting off on it? I don't think I would be thumping, but neither would I remain equally interested in pursuing the woman further. And if we were married, then I would certainly have a problem with that kind of situation.

Same with the Second Life game, except the vicarious life motive is more obvious. I suppose I might be able to think up a scenario that wouldn't incense you, while the typical scenario is worrying and the more developed one is questionable.

It's easier when sex is being pretended, less easy when we talk about roleplaying emotions, attachment, the married state. I think here we could recall what one of the prominent people from Tal's text said: the feelings are quite real. While the acts are pretended, the sensory reactions are pretty much the same.

 

Honestly, I'd have a problem even if it were reserved 3rd person, though not so much if they left it at something like 'they get mushy together'. Luckily, my gf despises all romances in role-play, even with me.

 

It's definitely a form of cheating, be it a less harmful one. The only disease he can catch is a computervirus, which of course is not as embarrassing as herpes.

 

I can see where she's coming from. Some people are probably able to keep it at a part of life level, but it tends to be self-gratifying. Personally, I could probably be persuaded, although certainly not at LARP level.

At any rate, let me assure you I certainly don't think it's proper for a married man to walk around pretending he's married to someone else in a make-believe world while his real-life wife is being practically abandoned.

[ August 18, 2007, 13:51: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

The word choice is perfect... I can picture the 'not amused' lady.

 

It depends on the individuals involved. Whatever two consenting adults within a pair bond agree to is fair game.

In some cases, having a virtual relationship would not be cheating...in the case Tal presents where the wife describes the husband's activities as 'devastating' it definitely is cheating. The husband should find someone who doesn't consider his behavior hurtful and the wife should find someone who shares her view on appropriate boundaries.

@chickenisgood, not only can I picture a 'not amused' woman, I have experienced a 'not amused' woman...cohabitation with one can be brutal.