It's a man thing...

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1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

25. CALLING YOUR MATE A C*NT - And punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".

 

All of that is cool - except the bit about toiling in the field in blistering heat. You can keep that one.

 

Great stuff.

At a glance I read number ten as "nodding at corpses."

 

Point 6 is my speciality.

And often do #1, yeah.

No comments on #9.

@Susipaisti: Same.

 

As for 24, don't forget the true measure of a man. Bringing in a paper\book while shaving and expelling, all at the same time. THAT is something to be proud of.

 

I can do #20. And #14 is me.

As for the other stuff: I'm hopeless with tools, I can't remember when I played football the last time and definitely do not spend more time on the toilet than necessary.

 

I'm an artist and I use all manner if knives to sharpen my pencils with. I actually prefer knives to pencil sharpeners because you can get the kind of point you like.

Another artist thing. The gesso I have in a big bucket always needs stirring before I use it.

I may be a bird but I'd rather use messenger any day. I don't like telephone chatter. The only people I spend any amount of time chatting with on the phone are my mom (who lives far away) and my brother.

 

I've got number 8. I've got a lawn mower scar. And I'm not kidding.

It's just a burn from the overheated engine.

 

I just HATE people who wants to chat about all sort of things over the phone. "Look! We can chat when we actually meet, the phone is just for arragning that meeting"... Looks much like a phone call I just made 1 minute or so ago:

My Friend: (sleepy voice) "h-hellooo".
Me: "Did I wake you?".
Him: "Yes".
Me: "Good. Care for a visit?".
Him: "Sure".
Me: "See you in some 20 minutes, okay?".
him: "Okay".
Me: "Okay".

End of conversation .

 

"I don't need no makeup, I've got real scars, I've got hair on my chest, I look good without a shirt" As Tom Waits put it.

Too bad my facial scarring isn't that visible since I got it from when I flew off my bicycle and plowed asphalt with my face when I was a teenager. Didn't hurt. Just picked up my tooth bits, bled, went to the hospital and got stiches.

Don't know how to drive though, haven't got a stick or paint and I don't know anything about sports. Tough.

 

I: Hello, ugly one.
Buddy: Hello, abomination.
I: How goes?
Buddy: Good. Come round for a coffee?
I: Sure, thanks.
Buddy: Waiting.

 

hmmm...Last time I nodded at a security man I got stopped and asked to empty my pockets true story!

I have a scar on my wrist from falling of my bike, I don't own a shed to keep my piece of paint stirring wood in, hence I don't have one...

I did the standing up and drinking thing once, but I lost my balance and fell back into the chair that was a fun night *reminises*

I've done quite a few of these...but they never quite worked how I planned...ah well, guess I'm a failed man

 

Sorry, but that means you got porked. It's illegal for them unless they have your permission. Otherwise they can only call the police.

 

Cúchulainn posted this list last year some time, under the moniker of Cesard. It's still funny, though.

 

Really funny!

ME; Hey Phillip 22h00 Café Authentic Pub?
PHILLIP: Fine, 40$
ME: Are you kidding? C'mon at least 60!
PHILLIP: Should've known
ME: See ya, beeeeerr
PHILLIP: See ya beeeeeer

'Nuff said

 

Well, sometimes I say, "Bookshop. Good morning." Bookshop or bakery. Funeral house sometimes.

 

Power tools are my arena, I am a huge DIY guy. I put a 12 by 20 deck on last summer by myself, and got compliments from a friend that does it for a living. Oh and did I mention that the deck was built 8 foot off the ground.

As for the hammer, I don't bother, air nailer for me all the way.

I keep at least my end of the conversation short, but my wife will ramble on for hours if I let her. On the phone over a minute with my best friend, only ever happens if we pass out drunk before we hang up.

 

Don't drink, watch over fat. No real scars, but plenty bruises from fighting and training. Don't spend too much time on the phone, except when talking to a relative from far away. Don't really care for spending too much time in the toilet...
25 sounds fair to me and fits me.

 

I have a scar on my right eyebrow. It's from a toy brick catapult I was looking down upon while launching the missile.

Does that count?

 

Haha, yes Fabius, that is quite manly