Johnny and the Motorcycle

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I did this for school, so I want to know what kind of mark I'll get for it. Lemme know if it sucks.

It's supposed to be an anecdote

The Motorcycle

When Johnny was 10, his father bought him a motorcycle. Nothing extravagant. It was a simple play-bike that Johnny could putt around on and have some fun.

But Johnny's father had secret ambitions for his son. You see, when Johnny's mother was pregnant with Johnny, the father promised the mother that he would stop riding his motorcycle. She said it was too dangerous and that should anything happen to Johnny's father she wouldn't know what to do. Johnny's father reluctantly agreed.

As Johnny grew, his talent grew with him. He began to get better and better and go faster and faster, until Johnny's father approached him and casually said: "You're getting pretty good. Why don't you enter this competition?"
"I don't know, dad... do you think I'm good enough?"
"Sure! It says: "all ages and abilities."."
"That sounds fun, I guess."
So Johnny started to race competively. That first race, Johnny did great. He finished top in his age-group, in fact. His father was ecstatic. The next race he entered Johnny didn't do so well and Johnny's father yelled at him all the way home.
Pretty soon Johnny caught on. If he did well in the race, he'd get ice cream and maybe a present. If he did poorly, his father would yell at him and he wouldn't get ice cream or presents.

As Johnny kept growing, he kept racing. When Johnny was 17, his father entered him in the biggest race of all. It was the "National Qualifications". Johnny didn't think he could win, and since he didn't like getting yelled at, he told his father, "Those guys are way better than me. I don't have a chance."
"Nonsense, Johnny. You can do it! I believe in you."
Johnny gave in and said he would ride in the race.

On race day, Johnny had a knot in his stomach the size of his fist. He was incredibly nervous and he didn't know why.
The announcer boomed across the track, "Riders! Take your positions.", as Johnny moved towards his motorcycle. He wheeled it to his starting position. He twitched with anticipation. This race would make his father very proud.

"Bang!" went the gun. They were off. Johnny was doing great. He was 5th place and moving quickly up the ladder. 4th... 3rd... 2nd... only one more rider to pass. In the 3rd turn he leaned too sharply and tweaked his front wheel on the rider in front of him. He went down.
All he could see was pavement passing his visor in slow motion. It was like his soul floated out of his body to watch his lifeless self sliding along the track. He saw everything as if he was watching from a tower with binoculars.

When he woke up, he could see, but he couldn't concentrate. He tried to talk, but all that came out were impeded mumblings. As he looked around all he could think about was how beautiful the flowers on the window sill were. He was awake, but not quite.

He looked around and saw his father, crying in the corner, and no matter what Johnny said, his father wouldn't look up.

 

It's a fine anecdote (is it true?) with a tragic ending, but it lacks suspense. Maybe that's not appropriate for an anecdote...but I'm addicted to the stuff! Anyway, the reader can pret' well guess that no good will come of the father's scheming to live out his motorcycling dreams through his son, and that his mom's concerns are legitimate.

Maybe it would break the word limit, but the story would be more interesting if the reader deciphered the details themselves. Like, instead of writing explicitly, "Johnny's father had secret ambitions for his son", maybe you could show the father lingering over motorcycle ads, and have the mom admonish the father and remind him that he'd promised to give up riding. Then the reader thinks, "Aha! The father still loves cycling, but his wife won't let him ride!" - and then the father gives Johnny a motorcycle. Then the reader can congratulate himself on his cleverness. Same with the bit on Johnny getting ice cream or screams after races - you could show examples of each rather than writing it explicitly.

Anyway, I'm sure it'll get a good grade (and ice cream!). But if you tweak it, you could make it really tragic and moving. And maybe convince us to never ride motorcycles again!

 

That's some good advice there GM. I, for one, have expierienced first hand your addiction to suspense and downright confusion!

As for breaking the word limit, I don't think I have one, although they did say it should be about a page (written, not typed!) and I've already pretty much demolished that. I'll re-write it and post it again later, for the reading pleasure of the tweaked minds of SP.

PS: Do you think "Johnny" as a name is too generic? That's what I was going for, but if it's distracting I could change it.

PSS: It's not true. My assignment was to write an anecdote, and I ride motocross a lot. I don't race and my dad doesn't yell at me for not winnning.
The story started out by me trying to get an anecdote about wearing a helmet, but that sounds like it came from the government. I knew someone who committed suicide because her parents put too much pressure on her, so it's kind of an ode. (But the circumstances are totally different.)