Jokes! (following teekc's bar-jokes thread)

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So, share with us the jokes you know... any kind of jokes will do (though if you don't use bad language, it will be much better ).

 

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that his son was a geneticist and he had developed this breed of chicken because the he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

"That's the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

 

Jokes that don't include bad language and rudeness aren't usually very funny. So if rude jokes are not allowed then I can't post one

 

There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other a pathway for a hundred years when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. "As a reward for being so patient," says the angel, "You have been given to life for 30 minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." Immediately, the two statues disappear off behind a shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues until, after fifteen mintures, the two return out of breath. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minture left." The male statue asks the woman staue, "Shall we do it again?"
"Oh, yes," she replies. "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you crap on its head."


---

A young woman buys a new parrot, she gets it home, and puts him in his cage. Almost immediately he says, "Awk... nice legs, baby... Awk." She's understandably pissed off and puts him in the freezer for three minutes, Whilst he's in the freezer, he realises he shouldn't say that again. The next day she's geting ready for bed when he says, "Awk...nice boobs, baby...Awk." This time she shuts him in the freezer for five minutes. When she gets him out, He gasps, "Awk...What the hell did the turkey say?...Awk."


--

They about as clean as mine get. Pretty squeaky .

 

This actually happened...

Been to Frankfurt Before?

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot, they not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird)

Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgen, taxi to your gate.

The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?!"

Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.

Ground (with typical German patience): "Speedbird, have you never been to Frankfurt before?!"

Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't stop."

 

Q: Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
A: She didn't have any arms (is you laugh at that you're sick )

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Someone shot it
Q: Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was hanging on to the other monkey's tail
Q: Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It though it was a game

Q: What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
A: Nacho cheese (say it out loud...)

A man sees another man with an orange for a head, so he asks the man why he has an organge for a head. The man replies, "Well, I was granted 3 wishes. For my first wish I wished for world peace, and it was great and everyone loved me. For my second wish I wished for lots of money, so that I could spend money on all my new friends." The first man says, "But how does that explain why you have an orange for a head?", "well," says the first man, "for my 3rd wish, I wished that I had an orange for a head"

I'm sure that all those jokes are much funnier when someone tells you then instead of reading them, just because they are so stupid, but oh well

 

Allright I did post this one before but I don't know if it was on the boards, forgive me if I did:

2 guys walk into a bar. They sit down and order a beer. When they take a sip of there beer the first guy turns in a blood thirsty shark! He starts biting people woman children even a busload of nuns that where just having a drink, it's one big massacre people are screaming and blood is every where!

Then the second men, Tim if I'm right, takes a dead mouse from his pocket and beats the barman to death with it.

And you know what he askes? Do you wanna have fries with that?

 

I am dying to have that joke explained to me.

 

@Snook - you didn't get that? Well, then you probably won't get this one either (which is in keeping with the quality of some of the jokes we've seen so far):

Q: What colour of shoes does a priest wear?
A: Brown!

 

Hrmph - Can their posters (or someone else, who does get them) explain these jokes:
Morsmordre - second joke. | Metal lepers' last |
Sleepless' second | Splunge's .
Keep in mind that since I'm from Holland I may not understand/perceive certain cultural aspects in the jokes (yeah I'm paranoid - I see culture everywhere )

 

@BBR - mine wasn't funny at all, which is why it was "in keeping with the quality of some of the jokes we've seen so far"

And don't feel bad about not getting the other ones you mentioned; I didn't get them either.

 

Well I'm from holland to, so that is not the problem here.

Did you ever go to a mcDonald's or Burgerking? Our did you see a movie with a guy going to a mcDonald's or Burgerking? That's all I can say at this moment if you still don't get it, it isn't worth it

About metal leper's last joke: I think it's one of the best jokes ever! I told it to some colueges yesterday and they all looked at me with a "What the F*ck?" expresion on their faces! Lovely!

 

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

My last joke was rubbish - some people will laugh and some will look confused, but I doubt anyone can explain why it's funny

It's just the way that people are expecting some good reason/something funny, and then they get that...

 

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

"Biggish"

"Biggish who?"

"Not today thanks."

 

I didn't get that one either.

 

Haha.

You wouldn't unless your British.

Theres guys (usually homeless bums) sellings magazines in busy streets. These magazines are called 'The Big Issue'. so you get people walking about with a tower og mags saying 'Big Issue?' to every passing person.

 

One day a girl wished se was smart, then she became a man!

 

There were tehse friars, and they needed to raise money for their church, so they decided to start a florist ship in a nearby town. The local florist in this town did not like this at all, as these friars were intrafering with his bussiness, because everyone wanted to by flowers from the men of God. He went to ask the friars to leave, and of course they refused because they needed the money for their church. The florist tried to get his mother to plead with them, and that failed too. So finally he hired Hugh McTaggert, the roughest, meanest thug in town. Mr. McTaggert went and 'convinced' the friars to close so, and of course they did so. Thus proving that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.