Jokes - hope no-one minds

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Microsoft update

Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software,
severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon
was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as
DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new,
undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf
2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and
invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging
14.1or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but
this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help,
please!!

Sincerely, Pamela


Dear Pamela:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due
to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to
Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT
package.

However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its
creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because
Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your
system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is
gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the
system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once
per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are
common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or
to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install
Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more
problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will
notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with
HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the
quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company
as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems,
regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command
"C I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command.
Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and
Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and
more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C I APOLOGIZE
command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also
cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer > 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly
files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save
yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all
GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all
the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but
it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally
recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in
conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running
smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will
find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1,
Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install
MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause > selective
shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4
and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband
1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.
We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

 

LOL... That's hilarious. Thanks for the chuckle

 

Question: How long does it take you to type out such a time consuming post?

 

LOL!!! very funny!

Sniper--> Cut & paste!

 

yeah
i've definitely read it somewhere else

 

I didn't claim it was original.
It is just a cut and paste as I just thought I should share it after being sent it yesterday.

Todays ---------------------------------->

How to impress a woman:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
buy flowers for her,
go to the ends of the earth for her...

How to impress a man:
Show up naked.
Bring beer.

-----------------------------------------

Clues for Quiz

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.
3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me.. I'm called a big swinger.
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.
5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.
7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.
9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.
10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.
11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.
12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.
14. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush.

 

The Answers to Sexual Tension Quiz above

1. nose
2. peanut butter
3. crane
4. Titanic
5. tent
6. dentist
7. wedding ring
8. elevator
9. chewing gum
10. newspaper boy
11. glove
12. arrow
13. attorney
14. bird

 

How to impress a woman:

>Compliment her,

Always good to do!

>cuddle her,

Perks for both involved!

>kiss her,

Hypes!

>caress her,

Voo voo!

>love her,

Once you're ready.

>stroke her,

In all the right places!

>tease her,

And make her beg!

>comfort her,

As always!

>protect her,

This is where I draw my line. A girl who can't protect herself or stand up for herself isn't much of a woman if they need a man to do it for them. To me, this is very unattractive.

>hug her,

Ah. Feel those 34d breasts!

>hold her,

Ah, keep feeling those 34d breasts!

>spend money on her,

Depends on what it is. "Let's go shopping honey" will amount to me keeping my money in my own pocket.

>wine and dine her,

How about beer and a hockey game?!

>buy things for her,

As long as she doesn't point them out...

>listen to her,

*grumbles*

>care for her,

Always.

>stand by her,

In her time of need!

>support her,

Emotionally.

>buy flowers for her,

Or get plastic ones

>go to the ends of the earth for her

Only if she'll go with me.

Syl...

 

Oh damn! This causes heartache! I did just about all of those things to me ex...*To her present boyfriend and those after me* I WON'T LET YOU HURT HER YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! YOU GIVE HER SOME PAIN AND I'LL PUNCH YOUR TEETH DOWN SO HARD YOU'LL HAVE TO BRUSH EM FROM YOUR ASSHOLE!!!

 

Calm down there sniper. You are going to make Taluntain quite irate with that use of language. Violance is not necessary on message boards.

 

Explanation of Irish polotics
(Probably the only one here who will actually understand this) :

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

SINN FEIN: That would be a matter for the chicken. Sinn Fein and the chicken are not part of the same organisation, although we share some ideals in common. If there are presently any chickens in Sinn Fein, we are not aware of it.

ORANGE ORDER: The chicken is entitled to walk in a peaceful manner on the Queen's Highway. It's a traditional route. Anyone who tries to deny the chicken his rights to walk on the road will find the road blocked at both ends until the chicken is allowed to walk in a dignified and non-threatening manner, without accompanying bands if need be.

DUP: We are implacably opposed to the chicken crossing the road until the chicken's armaments have been removed and the chicken itself declares it's diabolical intentions.

IRA: On behalf of the people of Ireland, we reserve the right to defend the roads of the island against the chicken. For 800 years the Irish People have resisted the imposition of chickens by force of arms and shall continue to do so until the chicken is expelled from our land. Anyone collaborating with the chicken, or assisting or enabling the imposition of road crossing by chickens, will be deemed legitimate targets in our struggle against tyranny.

UFF: We, the loyal defenders of Ulster roads, reserve our right to retaliate against any precipitory hostile actions by the chicken. We shall meet force with deadly force. (A donation to the Loyalist Prisoners Association will ensure free passage of the chicken with respect to the road and the crossing thereof, till the same time next month anyhow.
Do chickens have kneecaps?)

UUP/SDLP Joint statement: We believe that only by working together in unison, and with the majority of the people of this island, the British and Irish governments and our friends overseas behind us, can we find the answer to this question. If we do not, or cannot, then our children will rightfully ask us the question, 'So why did the chicken cross the road?'

THE HOME SECRETARY, UK GOV.: While not normally commenting on security matters, Her Majesty's Government feels it is right and proper, in this instance, to make a statement on this affair. - Members of the Special Air Services involved in a covert anti-terrorist operation on the road at 8:42 this morning observed the chicken attempting to cross the road.
As the chicken was approached by one of the soldiers involved, it was seen to make a threatening movement and action was taken to nullify that action.
It has not been ascertained why the chicken was crossing the road, and it seems unlikely that we will now discover the motive.

 

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both 'bloody wankers".
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English aren't getting any.

 

A young single guy on a cruise ship is having the time of his life.
On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and sinks, but the guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark infested sea to a remote island.
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship.
He makes his way over to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks at him, wide eyed and grateful and says, "You saved my life, I'm so grateful, you're my hero.
He suddenly realises the woman is Cameron Diaz. Days and weeks go by. Cameron and the guy are living on the island together.
They've set up a hut, there's plenty of fruit on the trees, and they're In heaven.
Cameron's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cameron, there is. Would you mind putting on my shirt?" "Sure," she says, "if it will help."
He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better,"she says. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does. Then he says,"Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.
He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says: "Mate! You'll never believe who I'm shagging!!"

 

What did the leper say to the prozzy?
You can keep the tip.

 

A blonde called Sara wakes up one morning to find that her busineess has gone bankrupt. Later on she prays to God, saying "O Lord, I've lost everything; my husband, my job, and my kids are starving. Please help me win the lottery."
She finds she gets no numbers.
She prays again, saying "Why do you do this Lord? My kids are starving and I'm going to loose my house soon."
She still gets no numbers.
She prays again, and this time, the heavans open and God appears, and he says; "Come on Sara, meet me halfway. Buy an effing ticket."

 

Oh...somones already done that one in the blondes section. Shit.

 

A Blonde, Brunette and a red head are on a deserted island, after a couple of days they decide to leave.

The Blonde jumps into water and swims for it, while the Brunette make a raft and sails away, lastely the Red head walks accross the bridge.

 

Famous uses of the word "fuck" in history:

"What the fuck was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" -- General Custer

"That's not a real fucking gun." -- John Lennon

"Who the fuck is gonna find out?" -- Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to fucking roll." -- Anne Boleyn

"It's someone's 100th fucking birthday today!" -- Willard Scott

"Any fucking idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein

"It does so fucking look like her!" -- Picasso

"How the fuck did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras

"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo

"Fuck a duck." -- Walt Disney

"Why? Because it's fucking there, that's why!" Edmund Hilary

"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" -- Joan of Arc

"She wants how much fucking money?!?!?" -- Donald Trump

"Look! Almost every fucking kernel popped!" Orville Reddenbacher

"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" -- Captain of
the Titanic."