Jokes!

Remove all ads!

Has anyone got any good jokes that they would like to share with everyone?

 

Might as well post this, heard it yesterday:

Two elderly men were friends for a long time, the better part of 30 years. One of them was taken ill with a fata illness. His friend stayed by his bedside, comforting him. After a while, the healthy friend, realizing that his friend was at death's door, asked the following question.

"When you are gone, what do you want done with your remains?"

The dying man thought for a moment, then asked his friend to cremate him.

His health friend agreed then asked what he wanted down with the ashes.

Again, the dying man thought for a second, then said:

"Put them in an envolope, mail it to the IRS along with a letter stating that they now own everything."

 

Not jokes as such but:

Please note that the HCBS Bank is installing new "Drive-thru" cash point machines:
Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6 Turn the radio down
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Check make-up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
9 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 meters
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26 Release handbrake

Of course we shouldn't find such stuff funny but I've seen similar (in real life) on too many occasions not to be amused.

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"(George Burns)
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." (Carmen Boyle, Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." (Sharon Stone)
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." (Steve Jobs)
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." (Dan Rather)
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." (Courtney Cox)
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." (Tiger Woods)
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'". (Patricia Arquette)
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." (Jerry Garcia)
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." (Rev. Jesse Jackson)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." (Jack Nicholson)
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." (Barbara Bush)
"Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." (Robin Williams)
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." (Roseanne)
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." (Billy Crystal)
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful." (Robert De Niro)
"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" (Hugh Grant)
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" (Dustin Hoffman)
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." (Rod Stewart)
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." (Robin Williams)

TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD:

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Sh*t
2. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut
3. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing
4. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings"
5. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer
6. Horn Broken . . Watch For Finger
7. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass
8. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
9. I Have The Body Of A God . . Buddha
10. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
11. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit
12. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
13. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
14. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over. . . [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
15. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba the Hut?
16. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One
17. Boldly Going Nowhere
18. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
19. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
20. Heart Attacks . . . God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
21. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
22. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
23. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
24. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN
25. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
26. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship
27. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore
28. So you're a feminist . . . Isn't that precious?
29. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

 

Gee, now that Slappy's posted all the good ones, there's none left for anyone else...

 

Bah, plenty of them left.
http://www.rinkworks.com

 

Whahah, ROTFLMAO Slappy! That's good shit, I add some shirt prints

- Wanna get stoned? Drink wet cement!
- FBI: Female Body Inspector
- Save the Wales; kill a norwegian ( )
- 'To be is to do' (Socrates)
'To do is to be' (Sartre)
'Do be do be do' (sinatra)
- Hiroshima '45
Tsjernobyl '86
Windows '95
- On the back of a motorcycledrivershirt:
'If you can read this, the bitch fell off'
- If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!
- I said no to drugs, but they didn't listen...
- The more I drink, the better you look
- Jesus is coming! Everybody look busy!
- Jesus is coming! I hope he's wearing a condom!
- I'm multi-talented, I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
- Strangers have the best candy
- No beer, no sex, no grass, no coke. May I Die?!?
- Death is the greatest kick of all; that's why they save it for the last.
- Thou shall not steal! The government doesn't want competition.
- Dutch vegetables are good for you!
- If you come any closer, you better be on your knees.
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- Sarcasm is just one mere service I offer.
- No reason to live. But I like i that way.
- Do they ever shut up on your planet?
- How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
- Warning! I have an attitude and I know how to use it!
- Me Jane you Asshole
- Warning! Objects under this shirt are larger then they appear!
- All this.. and brains too.
- I never gone to bed with an ugly women, but i've sure woke up with a few...
- Kurt, did it Hurt?

And some (bumper)stickers:

- WORK HARDER! millions on welfare depend on you!
- Lost your cat? Try looking under my tires...
- Don't laugh! It may be your girlfriend that makes this car shake!

You got the rest slappy

 

Here's a good one, but longer than the ones you've been posting, but its pretty funny.

On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "As
a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer, to work all
day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years." Cow objected "What? This is the kind of tough life you want me to
live for 50 years? Let me have just 20 years, and I will give 30
years back to you." So God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "What
you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house.
You will have to bark at any people that come in! I will give you a
life span of 20 years!" Dog objected. "What? Twenty years and all I do is all day long is
sit by the door? No way! Please just give me 10 years of life!" So
God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey,
"The monkey has to entertain people and make them laugh by doing monkey tricks. I will give you a 20 year life span."
Monkey objected. "What? Make people laugh? Do monkey faces and
tricks? Ten years is enough, and the other 10 years you can keep." So God agreed. On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to
sleep, eat, and play. All you need to do is to enjoy yourself and have a good time. I will give you a 20 year life
span."
The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, and have a good time! Sounds great! Yet you only give me 20 years. No way, man! Why don't we make a deal? Since Cow gave you back 30 years, Dog gave you back 10 years and Monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?" So God agreed. And that is why... In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy
the best and not do much else. For the next 30 years, we work all day
long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we
entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks.
And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit in front of the door
and bark at people.

 

Here's another good one.

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of
him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so
that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of
Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi
driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the
Kingdom of Heaven."
Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am
the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the
last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this
cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver.
Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"
"Results," shrugged Saint Pete. "While you preached, people
slept. When he drove, people prayed."

 

Your Enemy is My Enemy
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border.
To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi
soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road,
they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other
side of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him,
cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the
teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I
looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an
unprincipled, lying bastard!' He looked me right in the eye and
shouted back, 'Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying bastard!' We
were still standing in the middle of the road shaking hands when the
truck hit us!"

 

Which Is the Most Intelligent Sex?
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident and it's a bad one. Both of
their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should
meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants
us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to
the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

 

This is hilarious!


Is Santa Claus A Woman?

I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but
I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm,
fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could
possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts
until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.

On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man,
everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there
would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to
the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck
season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the
snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: Men can't pack a bag. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with
all those elves. Men don't answer their mail. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as
anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to
pick up women. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men: Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite
guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But
not St. Nick. Not a chance.

 

Moving Violations

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following
exchange takes place.... The man says, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: "Sir, You were going at least 75 in a 55 mph zone." Man: "No way officer, I was only going about 60." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going over 80." The man gives his wife a dirty
look. Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight." Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know I had a broken taillight!" Wife: "Oh Harry, youv'e known about that taillight for weeks." The man gives
his wife another dirty look. Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat
belt" Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt." The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH!" The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you
this way all the time?" The woman says: "No, officer. Only when he's drunk."

 

Some of you might have seen this before, but its still funny!

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance
at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of
your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about
this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during
the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun
and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when
it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk
about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this.
The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to
have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on
this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay
with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you
will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you
make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter
to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want
to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting
on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful,
like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands,
or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her Adam's apple.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
feature Chainsaw are okay. Hockey games are okay.

 

Manufacturer Warnings

Tesco's Tirimasu Dessert - Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the
bottom of the box.)

Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - Product will be hot after heating
Packaging for a Rowenta Iron - Do not Iron clothes on body
Boots Children's Cough Medicine - Do not drive car or operate machinery
Nytol (a sleep aid) - Warning: may cause drowsiness
A Korean Kitchen Knife - Warning keep out of children
A String of Christmas Lights - For indoor or outdoor use only.
A Japanese Food Processor - Not to be used for the other use
Sainsbury's Peanuts - Warning: contains nuts
An American Airlines Packet of Nuts - Instructions: open packet, eat
nuts.
A Swedish Chainsaw - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

 

Bateluer, this is the end
Rule Eight:


The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:


Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:


Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for enemy armor coming in near the Free Fire Zone.. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


Oh: Yes I do know she is over 21.
Yes I do realize she is not living at home.
No, I don’t care.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The Bank thought it amusing enough to publish it in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system which, you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.

Press buttons as follows:

1 To make an appointment to see me
2 To query a missing repayment
3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; (extension in living room to be communicated at the time the call is received).
4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. (extension in bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.)
5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

 

ROFL!!!
These are awsome!

Here is another one!

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to
make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and
to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...

 

This one is pretty good

Always take the time to smell the roses...and sooner or later you'll
inhale a bee.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek...nothing gets
the message across like a good mooning.

If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing
elevators with a lot of bright people.

It's always darkest before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the
neighbors newspaper, that's the tme to do it.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown...and fewer still to
ignore someone completely.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be
blamed on someone else.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is
why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry...but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that
man.

When I'm feeling down I like to whistle...it makes my neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

 

Here are a couple more!

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out
women?

He died laughing before he could tell anybody.


His and Her version of the story:

Her version:
'Oh did I mention or did I not? Well doesn't
matter now, I already started talking. Jane came
over, while I was having a cup of coffee. I
didn't even sugar the coffee. By the way did you
notice that I lost 10 pounds? No,you didn't
notice, you never notice. Anyway she came over
and wore an ARTIFICIAL wig. I mean isn't that
awful? An ARTIFICIAL wig? I mean her husband
could buy a real one with his money, but I didn't
say anything, it's none of my business. I asked
her how much weight she lost and she said she lost
20 pounds. Yea, right like I can see, I have eyes
you know. Oh did I say why I asked her that?
Because we follow the same diet, and you don't
know that. Well anyway we sat down and had a cup
of coffee.

His version:
Jane came over for a cup of coffee.

A long time ago a cowboy was captured by the Indians. The chief tied
him to a stake and said that he may have one request. The cowboy said
that he wanted to talk to his horse one last time. The chief agreed.
The cowboy whispered something into the horse's ear. The horse ran off
and came back with a naked woman on his back.

"Ahhh, very good choice!" said the chief. "You can use my teepee for
the night, we kill you in the morning."

Day came and the cowboy was tied up again. He asked the chief for one
more request. Once again, the chief agreed. The cowboy whispered
something into his horse's ear again. The house galloped away and came
back with two naked women on his back.

"Very good!" said the chief, "One for me and one for you! Okay, we
kill you in the morning!"

Night went by and the cowboy was tied at the stake once more.

"Please, Chief! Let me talk to my horse once more!"

"Okay, but no naked woman this time!"

The horse leaned in and the cowboy said, "I said, get me my POSSE!"

 

here is a good one:

There was an english man, a scots man and an irish man stranded in the wilderness.
A tribe of cannibals finds them and takes them to their camp.
The three men were lined up in front of a hut.
The English man is taken in first and the leader tells him he has 2 options: Death or Mauo Mauo.
The Englishman thought that anything was better than death and so chose mauo mauo.
At this the cannibal tribe entered the hut pulled down the mans pants and all bummed him up the arse!
he was let free after this and as he limped out of the hut he said to the Scots man: "dont choose maou maou they bum you up the arse"
The scots man was taken in and thought that even maou maou would be better than death and so they bummed him up the arse.
The scotsman was let free and warned the irish man on the way out.
Finally the irish man was taken in and given his options.
He was a bit of a homophobic and thought that even death would be better than being bummed up the arse so he chose death.
At this the whole tribe rose up and cheered shouting: hooray death by maou maou!!!