Jokey Posties

Thought we had a thread for jokes?

 

Well, there's only one thing to say to that...


Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins!..... A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor. The new mother says, Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?" "Denephew."

 

God: Guys, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"

 

Here's one that I got in a bon-bon last year :
Q. Why does Santa have three gardens?
A. So he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

Kinda lame, but that's what makes it so funny!

 

In honour of the newly announced gay marrages IKEA have released new Lesbian beds.
there's no screwing involved, its just tongue and groove

 

Oh no, those are terrible.

 

Oh come on, 'denephew' was a work of comedy genius!

 

I loved that joke Barmey!

 

Heehee, Barmy's was great, as was shell's. I got a chuckle out of Shoshino's, but that's because I am a techie.

 

A joke I'm reminded of because of Saber's dad:

Son: Dad, can I borrow the car?

Dad: You can, if you cut your hair.

The son thinks a moment and decides on a brilliant plan using his father's strong, Christian values.

Son: Jesus had long hair!

Dad: Yes, and he walked everywhere, too.

 

Hahaha, nice kuemp

 

Two middle aged guys at a company party:

Andy Hey Grover, are you looking at that hot woman in the corner?
Grover Looking at her! Yeah, I've been looking at her. I've been looking at her for the past half hour.
Andy See that hot pink skirt she is in.
Grover Yeah, I see it.
Andy I gave her that one

Fifteen minutes later.

Andy Hey Grover, are you looking at that hot woman in the pink skirt?
Grover Looking at her! Yeah, I've been looking at her.
Andy See that bracelet she is wearing.
Grover Yeah, I see it.
Andy I gave her that one

Grover Hey Andy, still looking at that hot woman?
Andy Looking at her! Yeah, I've been looking at her.
Grover See that kid hanging on to her hand.
Andy ...
Grover

 

I already told this one but you can hear it again

So, Tal and Blackthorne walk into a bar. You think one of them would have seen it!

Ok, I won't post that joke ever again! Just couldn't resist!

 

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Hanukkah stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman replies, "Oh my. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

 

John wakes up after a horrible hangover, he can barely open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a glass of water with an aspirine in the night table; he sits and sees the clothes quite well clean and ironed in front of him; he looks around and sees everything in order and clean, he drinks the aspirin as he walks to the kitchen; he sees the breakfast and the newspaper on the table with a note:
- Honey, I woke up early so I went to do some shopping, love you.

John sees his son so he asks him:
- Son, what happened last night?
The boy says:
- well, you returned at 5am, very drunk and delirious, broke some furniture and got a black eye when you hit the door.
Confused, John asked:
- How is that everything is so clean and even the breakfast made for me?
The boy said:
- After you hit the door and fall down, mom drag you towards the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted at her "lady, leave me alone! I'm a married man!"

An autoinduced hangover: 100€
Torn furniture: 200€
Breakfast: 10€
To say the suitable things: it has no price.

Hey, is not mine...

 

Not really a joke but a good piece of fun try this!

 

DS, I thought smoking monkeys were the gas.

Oh, can't forget

 

Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?

No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.