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just a beginning of an rp i made.. join in and help out the story

Discussion in 'Role-play Corner' started by moonhawk, Aug 10, 2006.

  1. moonhawk Gems: 1/31
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    pitch in and help the story


    Ecorious was walking down the sandy beach, the sky a light color blue, with no clouds in the sky. This time instead of wearing his cloak he had his armor on instead with his two scimitars nightmare and howling wolf, for there are rumored to be great beasts on this island, He was walking for several miles of beach when he finally heard sounds of a beast screeching. He ran to go see what was happening and when he got there what he saw was the definition of bravery. There was a single wood elf ranger in a beautiful gold and silver armor with a magnificent longbow. He was sitting up in a tree shooting arrows at a beast he has never seen before. It was nearly 10 feet tall with razor sharp claws
    ready to tear apart whatever got in its way. Ecorious ran at the beast with his scimitars in fighting position. But than he saw the ranger jumped out of the tree with two swords and digs the blades into the beasts head
     
  2. Oaz Gems: 29/31
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    (Surely no one expected the bit about two scimitars!)
     
  3. Marceror

    Marceror Chaos Shall Be Sown In Their Footsteps Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

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    Some constructive comments:

    It’s rather redundant to use the word sky twice, and the word sandy isn’t really necessary to describe a beach. Something like “Ecorious was walking along the white shores of {come up with name here}, the cloudless sky as blue as any he could recall.” works better for me.

    Then you can build some contrast, something along the lines of: “In spite of his tranquil surroundings, Ecorious was anything but at peace.” A statement like this prepares you describe the dangers of the area, and explain why he is armored with blades drawn. While you don’t need to describe Ecorious in any great detail, yet, it would be helpful to at least say something about his physical appearance, to allow your readers to visualize him. Are the scimitars wielded by a brutish thug, or an agile, slender figure (I’m sure everyone has already pictured Drizzt here. Do you really want that?).

    In terms of your transition into hearing the beast, there is a lot of opportunity to make this more intriguing, but I’ll leave that to you.

    What is a wood Elf ranger? You’re counting on your readers to know these things, which isn’t generally a good idea. Since this is from Ecorious’ point of view thus far, I’d recommend trying to paint the picture that allows Ecorious to conclude he’s looking at a wood Elf ranger, without actually using those words. An informed reader may conclude that it is indeed an Elven ranger in the tree, but those without the background won’t be lost by these terms, until you have an opportunity to better introduce these concepts to your readers.

    Wait, who hasn’t seen the beast before? It seems that the Elven ranger hasn’t, since that is the “he” you refer to in the beginning of the sentence. If so, this abrupt change in point of view just feels wrong to me. If not, you need to rework this section to make it clearer.

    “than” should be “then,” since your referring to chronology of time.
    “jumped” should be “jump”
    You start the sentence in past tense and end in present. Keep it in past.

    Otherwise, I like the idea.

    Hope this helps!
     
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