Language Differences - Important Distinctions

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As this is a very multi-nationality board yet we all have to communicate in English, I thought it might be worth posting the following. Basically, it explains some of the mysterious nuances that exist in the English language. Hopefully the explanations can help people to avoid causing embaressment, disitress, or risking physical violence through misinterpretation.

OK so the first of these explanations concerns the unusual approach to the use of English as practiced by the species known as 'woman.' Enjoy

Keywords and their meaning (from a woman's perspective).

Fine:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the
few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet
is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh:
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night".
If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least
2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught
in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

Thanks A Lot:
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot"when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".



[This message has been edited by Slappy (edited June 25, 2001).]

 

ROTF!!! Slappy, that's the best.

One that you forgot is, "Whatever you want."

When a woman says this, you had better read her mind and guess exactly what it is that she wants to do/eat/watch. If you miss, this leads to the soft sigh - giving you a second chance/guess. Your second miss leads to the loud sigh (and you can guess the rest from there).

Did you notice than NONE of the woman's language cues have to do with sex? Not an omission I'm sure!

 

Mathetais

Ah yes the "Whatever you want." How could I have missed that one (by the way I didn't actually write the above it was posted to me via email). I have fallen foul of that so many times. It's also pretty much a no win situation. I used to think my best defence was something along the lines of 'whatever you prefer dear, I'm happy with anything.' Unfortunately, that just gets you into trouble for not being decisive enough and expecting her to make all the decisions. Of course, when you do try and make a choice you just get the 'no I don't think so' or 'not that again', the 'raised eyebrow' or the 'sighs' as you said.

As to the commenst about none relating to sex - don't forget the 'Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows)', 'Loud Sigh' and 'Thanks A Lot.'

/me shakes his head about the sad life he leads.

 

I agree 100%. Since I'm married, you'd think that sex would be like shooting fish in a barrel.

Have you ever tried to shoot fish in a barrel? Unless you have a shotgun, your SOL (something Out of Luck!) (And PLEASE - no anatomy jokes about "shotguns" vs. "pistols" etc. I don't think I can take it.)

On a theoretical note: If a man speaks in the woods and no woman is around to hear him, is he still wrong?

 

Yes mathetais... you are still wrong..

And slappy.. my husband takes 10 times longer then me. His 5 minutes is 2 hours!!

 

Boys, you are missing an important nuance. When we say, "Whatever you WANT", usually followed by a medium-sized sigh, we mean, "Go ahead and ignore our good advice and see where it gets you." But when we say, "Whatever YOU want", we are being nice. Thank us quickly and take advantage before it's too late...

 

Sprite is correct. It all depends on the tone of each word and how it is said.

 

"It all depends on the tone of each word and how it is said"

and women wonder why we get confused

 

Good job Slappy! A few more posts like these, and men might start to understand.

(Ok, I doubt it, but it's worth a shot.)

 

Hm... The part I find most difficult is the eternal "Do you think I'm fat" question.

- If you say "No, you're the very essence of beauty, and my only wish is to become a better person so that I one *oh* so fine day can have some hope of becoming a fragment of the man you deserve to be with" (or perhaps a slightly toned-down version), she simply repeats the question.
- If you don't say anything, you're dead
- If you don't think before answering, projectiles will most likely be coming your way.
- Apparently, you must NOT look before giving your answer. You'll get the "You had to LOOK!!?" thrown at you.
- If you *don't* look before answering, she says something like "You didn't even look!", and we are indeed in trouble again.
- If you look first, then think, then answer, all hell breaks loose.

If you by some miracle get the answer right, she won't believe you. (And the correct answer will naturally be something completely different the next time she asks)

Ah, well. Maybe I'm just hard to want

EDIT; Oh, and if there's a workaround for this, feel free to enlighten me...

[This message has been edited by Seric Exz (edited June 27, 2001).]

 

The workaround is, "What do you mean...? You aren't thinking of going on a diet are you? I love your curves!" Then do something to make her feel you desire her. Oh, come on, you can think of something...

PS- I must give credit to my husband for this workaround. I too feared there was no man who could navigate this minefield...

 

Ok, what I really want to know is... How many women are actually foolish enough to ask that question? (Do you think I'm fat?) Not once in my life have I ever felt the need to ask someone else what they think of my height, weight, build or anything of the sort. "Do you like this dress?" maybe, or "Do you like my hair this way?" but, good lord, why should anyone need to ask if someone else thinks they're fat?? Look in a mirror and see for yourself! That has got to be the dumbest question, and men seem to pin it on women all the time!

****The preceding rant is only a personal opinion and is in no way, shape or form intentended to insult, belittle or anger anyone.*******



[This message has been edited by Darien Noella (edited July 07, 2001).]

 

Hmmmmm. Darien I think you might be in a minority on that one. Every girlfriend I have had has asked that or a similar question at one point of another. I've also heard it asked by many other women. Of course in some cases I had to wonder if they were merely fishing for compliments because they were too skinny if anything. Of course I agree with you that it is a silly thing to ask - you should be happy with what you are and not worry about what others think. If you're not, then do something about for yourself not for others. of course this is all much easier said than done.

As to Sprite, thanks or the tip. I have tried that approach but still got grief. I actually much prefer a curvey fuller figure but it seems any hint at that is like telling someone they are fat. I think the real issue is that the person asking is feeling a bit miserable, decides to focus on weight as the issue then, like for most things, tries to find a bloke to blame it on

[This message has been edited by Slappy (edited June 27, 2001).]

 

I'm not fat, so I don't have to worry about asking that. I work out alot.

 

excuse my typing - it's hard to see the screen with a black eye . . .

on a positive note, I did learn to NEVER, under any circumstances answer the "Am I Fat?" question with a comparision!

ie - Compared to Oprah? (Slap)
- Compared to Cameron Diaz (Slap)
- Compared to Jabba the Hut (Upper Cut)

 

You are only as beautiful as you feel, no matter what you look like.

[This message has been edited by Seric Exz (edited June 28, 2001).]

 

You crack me up, Mathetias!

 

LOL! Studying the female mind is indeed interesting, even though it's rather confusing.

By Freud:
The great question..
which I have not been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into feminine soul is... What does women want!?

 

Women want men to understand them. Ahhhhh, a wish! lol

 

You have to answer with a simple 'yes' to the 'Am i fat?'(no matter if it's true or not).
That will give you about 2 uncomfortable days (and nights) but you will nerver hear this question again.