Memorable Monty Python quotes

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Ok, feel free to list your favourite quotes

I'll list a number of my favourite Holy Grail ones

"She turned me into a newt"
"A NEWT?"
"I got better."

"I cut your arm off!"
"No you didnt."
"Yes I did!"
"'Tis merely a flesh wound"

"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries"

They were forced to eat Sir Robin's minstrels... and there was much rejoicing

"What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
"African, or European?"
"I dont know that!"

"I Fart in your general direction, I wave my genitalia at you"

"You must bring us another... SHRUBBERY! A nice big one so we can get a two tierd effect, and have a little wicker path running down the middle. And you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with... a HERRING!"

 

Oh dear, where to begin?

"I always wanted to be - a Lumberjack!"

Announcer : And now for something completely different.

Man : Look, this isn't an argument.
Mr. Vibrating : Yes it is.
Man : No it isn't, it's just contradiction.
Mr. Vibrating : No it isn't.
Man : It is.
Mr. Vibrating : It is not.
Man : Look, you contradicted me.
Mr. Vibrating : I did not.
Man : Oh you did.
Mr. Vibrating : No, no, no.
Man : You did just then.
Mr. Vibrating : Nonsense.
Man : Oh, this is futile.
Mr. Vibrating : No it isn't.
Man : I came here for a good argument.
Mr. Vibrating : No, you didn't. No, you came here for an argument.
Man : An argument isn't just contradiction.
Mr. Vibrating : It can be.

More to come, once I stop laughing.

EDIT: I can't forget the dead parrot!

Mr. Praline : 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!

 

"'The Holy grail can be found in the Castle AAaaaaaaarghh' hmmm, must have died while writing"

"Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found."

"I have to push the pram a lot"

"Hey, I didn't even eat the mousse."

[ November 04, 2004, 22:04: Message edited by: Morgoth ]

 

Oh no. I think I'm gonna be in trouble now.

Oh well, just a few to start things off:

“No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!”

“Why did you say Burma?” “I panicked.”

“If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?”

“I want a licence for my pet fish, Eric.”

“This is an ex-parrot.”

 

"We are the Knights who say 'NI!'"

"We are no longer the Knights who say 'NI!'! We are now the Knights who say 'Ecki-Ecki-Ecki-Ecki-Ta-Pang!'!"(was it 3, 4, or 5 'Ecki'?

"Goooood night, a-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!"

 

"Eeeeeemanuel Kant was a real piss-ant
who was very rarely stable............."

"Strike him centurion vevy roughfly"

 

"What's so funny about the term: Biggus Dickus? he had a wife you know. Incontinentia, Incontinentia Buttocks"

"running away are you? Come back here and I'll bite your legs off!"

"We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril."
"I don't think I was."
"Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril."
"Look, let me go back in there and face the peril."
"No, it's too perilous."
"Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can."
"No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on."
"Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?"
"No. It's unhealthy."
"I bet you're gay."

 

Monty Python is big outside of UK aswell? Nice, didn't know that. There is hope for your guys yet!

"He's not the messiah! He's a very naughty boy!"

 

I grew up watching Monty Python. There is no Python without Monty.

"Ah, I'm afraid we'll have to stop the film there, as some of the scenes which followed were of a violent nature which may have proved distressing to some of our viewers. Though, not to me, I can tell you."

 

“Help! Help! I’m being repressed!”

“Number 1 – the larch.”

“Is your wife a goer, eh? Know what I mean, know what I mean, nudge nudge, know what I mean, say no more?"

“How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana”

“Next we have number four, 'crunchy frog'”

“Yes, well, that's the sort of blinkered, philistine pig ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome, spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker's cuss for the struggling artist. You excrement! You whining, hypocritical toadies, with your colour TV sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs and your bleeding Masonic secret handshakes! You wouldn't let me join, would you, you blackballing bastards! Well, I wouldn't become a freemason now if you went down on your lousy, stinking knees and begged me!”

“It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?”
“Finest in the district!”
“ Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.”
“ Well, it's so clean, sir!”
“ It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese”

And of course:

“Right you. The one in the middle, what do you think?
“ Er... er...”
“ Come on!”
“ Splunge.”
“ Did he say splunge?”
“ Yes.”
“ What does splunge mean?”
“ It means ... it's a great-idea-but-possibly-not-and-I'm-not-being-indecisive!”

 

I wish I remembered the legendary swallow discussion in 'the holy grail' but I just can't. Ah you know it anyway

 

And now for something completely different...

"Tonight, instead of discussing the existence or non- existence of God, they have decided to fight for it"

"Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark"

"There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not"

"I'm so happy because today I found my friends- they're in my head"

 

From The life of Brian:

"But the worst ones are that blasted Peoples Front of Judea!"
"We are the Peoples Front of Judea!"
"What? I thought we were the Popular Peoples Front of Judea"

or

"I am not the Massia, go **** yourselves!"

or

"Ask yourselves: What have the Romans every done for us?!"
"The aquaduct"
"And they built roads"
"And built the sewers"
"And public education"
"They brought prosparity"
"Fine, but what, other than sanitation, engeniering, education, and commerce, have the Romans done for us!?"
"They brought peace"
"PEACE?!? Oh **** off."

I would add more but i am laughing too hard.

 

"My hovercraft is full of eels!"

"Stop that, it's silly!"

"Death awaits you all, with nasty big pointy teeth!"

"Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam."

"Let us taunt it, it may become so cross that it will make a mistake!

Like what?"

"O Lord, bless this thine hand gernade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy, and the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats..."

 

Concrete
is more interesting
than you think

 

My favorite sketch isn't terribly quotable... the philosophers' football game, between the Germans and the Greeks.

Other than that, I have to go with Zurga and the Philosopher's Drinking Song!

And this gem: "You can't go around calling yourself King just because some watery tart threw a sword at you... Strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power arises from a mandate from the masses, not some farcical aquatic ceremony. If I went around calling meself Emperor because some moistened bint lofted a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

 

A friend of mine doesn't get Monty Python. I'm trying hard not to hold that against him.

"Pointy sticks? POINTY STICKS?!?!!!!!!!"

@RallyM.
You know you can go with me whenever you wan't, and I guess you loved it when Socrates (not quite sure here, long time since I saw it???) scored the first goal of the match.

[ November 06, 2004, 05:26: Message edited by: Zurga ]

 

"GET ON WITH IT!"

Everybody else already listed my other faves.

 

Since the more popular ones are here already, i'm left with yet another gooder from a song,
"Every sperm is sacr-ed, every sperm is great. If a sperm is wast-ed, God gets quite irate!"

 

"You break my vow of silence, then you eat my juniper berries!"

"one day lad, all this will be yours!"
"What... the curtains?"

"would sir care for a mint?"
"I cant, I'm stuffed."
"but sir... it's wafer thin."

"I dont think he'll be very intersted... he's already got one you see."
"He's already GOT one?" What's it like?"
"It's very nice."