my tall tale (fantasy

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here, is a story I wrote back in one of my high school english classes. It was based on that gc game Eternal Darkness. It was written 2 days after the game came out:

Internal Darkness

There are days when life seems perfect, when our puny lives seem to mean something to the vast universe around us. It’s on those days when great things happen and legends are made. I was not having one of those days. Maybe it was the thrill of homecoming or maybe it was just the lateness of the day. Regardless, I made the mistake of opening my fat mouth.

It was 3:33 in the morning when I woke up to my cell phone ringing. I rolled over and sat up somewhat groggily to answer the phone.
“Alex Roivas?” asked the voice on the other end.
“Yes, who is this?”
“I’m Officer Joe Joerson of the Rode Island police”
Just then a deja-vo hit me like a bus. Not one of those sissy city buses, I’m talking about those huge greyhounds. It was the strangest thing but I shook it off as an early morning hallucination.
“What do you want?” I asked into the phone.
“There has been an accident…with your grandfather.”
It was like somebody had poured cold water over my head. I was awake in an instant.
“Oh my god! What the hell happened?” I screamed into the phone.
“Just catch the next plane to Rode Island, Its not something I think should be told over the phone”
And so, with an immense feeling dread, I caught the next flight. During the trip it dawned on me that I was my grandfather's only relative. That meant his creepy mansion was now mine to deal with. Damn. When I arrived at the airport in Rode Island I rented the cheapest moped I could find and booted it down to this ‘haunted mansion’ of mine.
Before I go on I must set one thing straight, mopeds seriously suck and anybody who drives them must be either really poor or just should cut back on whatever it is they’re drinking. Anyway, when I made it to the mansion three hours later there was only one cop car in sight. Totally freaked out by the lack of effort this police force of porkers was making out of the catastrophe, I just walked right inside.
Joe Joerson met me at the door. He was a tall, skinny mass of wrinkles and had the largest nose-to-face ratio I had ever seen. Dressed like a wigger he wore overalls and a parka, wool socks and sandals, and a multicoloured hat with bells all over it. My jaw hit the floor with a crunch.
“You must be Alex,” he said in a way that had ‘creepy stalker’ written all over it, “how was your trip in?”
“About as good as it could be…considering the circumstances,” I replied.
“Good, good, it’s a pity we couldn’t meet under different conditions.”
Yea, old creepy stalker is an understatement. This guy was just looking for a beating.
“Could we just get this over with?” I asked
He gave me about as close to an understanding look as his gnarled face could manage and pointed to a half open door at the end of the hallway. Ever so slowly, I crept down the hall. I opened the door and my lunch broke the sound barrier. To break the sound barrier you must be travelling faster then 1225 km/h, that was fast enough for my lunch to go through three walls and the mansions butler before coming to rest all over a priceless clock in the study. The sight on the floor that had made me make puke history was what was left of my grandfather. The carpet for ten feet was soaked with blood. In the centre of this mess was a bloody blanket covering the body. His arm was sticking out underneath and I could plainly see our family ring on his finger. I spun around abruptly, not caring about the butler chunkies in the other room.
“What is wrong with you?” I screamed.
But Joe Joerson was no were to be found. When I called the police station to find him, an automated message came on saying that the destination I was calling no longer existed. Not able to make myself return to my grandfather, I left to go find the police station I had drove past on the way in.

“What happen then?” said the man in the front row of the crowd, “let me guess…there was no police station?”
I let out my breath. “Exactly.”
Everybody in the crowd laughed. It was what I had expected when I started my story. Nobody believed me, I had no proof. When I had returned to the mansion after regaining my courage there had been no body, no holes in the wall, and no chunkies. The mansion had even been locked.
“Well anyway I’ve got to get back to work. Had enough of her stupid stories,” said the fat man in the back.
“Fine don’t believe me!” I screamed after him as the crowd slowly dispersed, “THE DARKNESS COMES!”

Fin


Over all I give it a 3/10 for its horrible ending and lack of really plot. i think its always good to look back and judge your writings from the past to see how you have progressed.