Of It All - Fantasy Story, hope it's good

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This is just a little story I'm writing, started as just a set of campaigns I made for Age of Empires, but I began writing long histories for the scenarios so I decided to make it into a story. I hope you like it. It is set in Chirofen, however there aren't many references to things that happen there, and anything that is I hope is suitably explained:

Lithita stood on the edge of the tall cliffs, the sea breeze drying her tears as they ran down her face and blowing her hair in a long stream behind her. She looked down at the harsh, jagged rocks below. It was almost comforting, thinking all the pain would be over, the hurting would end if she just took one more step... She couldn't, she turned her back to the sea and stood, helpless. They had killed him, just like that, killed a boy of nineteen years for being on board a ship with his father. Sure his father may have not had the best reputation, but the boy? He was innocent! Lithita brushed away her tears and headed back towards the city. It would be dark soon and the gates would shut. Perhaps she'd find Dellin, at least she still had one brother.

I might write more another time, however if you don't like it, say so, then I know not to bore you with anymore.

 

D'you think you could write more, next time? It's good, but this single paragraph deal is killing me! By all means, write more!

 

It is a bit hard to judge if we like it or not from such a small piece. But I'll say continue. No harm can come of it, even if it's bad, which I'm sure it won't be.

 

I'd rather see more than not see more. So post!

 

*strangles 8people* Posting itty bitty posts like that won't exactly get you any feedback whatsoever...

 

lol, I seem to be posting either too much or too little in stories on here. nm, here's more.

Lithita continued on, she felt cold as if she'd swalowed ice and the chill had spread through her body like poison. She wasn't concentrating where she was going and stumbled along the paths and bridges that led over the small rivers and back to the city, Somehow she managed to go the right way and reached the gates just as the sun was going down and the eerie state being not light and not dark ensued. She clung to the walls of nearby buildings to help her get back to her small home near the docks, luckily it was only a few streets away as she had realised how tired she felt and how her legs ached from all the walking. She gave a weak smile as she turned a corner and saw her house, there was a slight flickering that showed through the window. She fumbled with her key and unlocked the door, it creaked as it opened and she slammed it behind her. It wasn't much, but she was home. Dellin wasn't home though, she tensed, they had taken her father and her young brother, Vace, surely they hadn't taken Dellin? She knew that whenever Dellin went out he lefta note on the table, but did she dare look? If there was nothing she would be alone and know the worst had come, but if she didn't look how would she know? She swallowed and turned to the small table on her right, ther ewas a small square of WeedPaper with the untify scrawl of her brothers writing, relief washed over her and she cried again, at least she wasn't alone.

It turned out Dellin was safe and sound, and rather drunk as well. He was stood at the bar (or at least not on the floor) and glaring angrily at the empty bottle in front of him, the barman took it away from him and placed a full bottle in it's place, Dellin smiled happily at the bottle before him
"Eh? what's thish?"
"It's been payed for, bud" the barkeeper jerked his thumb over at a dark corner, Dellin looked over and saw four identical old men, beckoning him over, how strange. He tried to pick up his bottle, but found it kept moving out of his reach. He finally got it and walked towards the old men, tripping over a cat that wasn't there on the way. He sat down on a rickety stool next to the old men, there were only two now.
"Where'sh th'thers?" the old men laughed
"There ain't no others here, lad, Just an old sea-dog waitin' for a boy like you to pass his way." Dellin glanced down at the bottle of beer and wondered what the price of it was. The old man leant close to Dellin and spoke quiter so not to be overheard
"I heard yer old pa was taken by th' guard, yester-evenin' and were dead in this morn. No denyin' I knew yer pa. Worked wit' him an' all, he was good, th' best some say" he grabbed Dellins' arm as he nearly fell off his stool "Mayhaps ye best not drink more, lad. Aye, your dad was good, an' left a little sommat to ye. So tell me, are ye willin' to accept an offer ye can't refuse?"

damn - looks like I've written too much this time...

 

An intriguing start. DO keep it coming, please.

 

Sorry I didn't get to write any beforehand - I was trying to write some at school yesterday when Frosty deleted it before I'd posted

Anyway:

Dellin swallowed nervously adn drummed his fingers against the side of his unopened bottle of beer
"I'm listening" he felt a sinking sensation in his stomach, whether or not it was from the alcohol he couldn't tell, but he knew he'd regret this when he was sober. The old man cackled quietly to himself and drew a small roll of WeedPaper, it smelled strongly of seawater. It wwas curling at the edges and had a green tint from the age of it, it had small crystals of salt clinging to it. Dellin leant away from it slightly, it wasn't the sort of thing you wanted to smell when you felt ill already.
"Yer old pa left me a copy o' this, A copy for 'imself, a copy for 'is lad, an' a copy for me if no-one was left for it." he moved his bottles to the side of the table and began to unroll the WeedPaper across the table "As it is, lad, there is still ye to claim htis map, yet I'm bettin' ye 'aven't sailed on ye own in ye life, so I'll guide ye if ye wish. He brushed the edges of the paper in a vain attempt to uncurl them, Dellin could see from the fading lines and curves that it was a map of the seas. He could identify half an island on the left side of the map, it had an area jutting out that had a mountain on it, or something simular, there were two lines from a point below where the mountain was that were marked as trade routes, but what the old man was poining out were a small group of islands at the top of the page
"The Sand Dune Isles, also known as the Mobile Isles, they were once part of th' main island, now just piles o' sand movin' through th' sea" He looked at Dellin critically "What do ye say? Up to th' challenge?" Dellin nodded, making himself feel dizzy
"Yes... I'm up to it... just... wait for the room to settle." The old man laughed and slapped him on the back
"Knew I could count on ye, now get 'ome and rest, ye need to be up early in th' morn to settle ye business, then we set sail at dark and off to fortunes." Delling nodded uncertainly and left the building and walked down the narrow road, he got a fair way along when he stopped, turned round, and went the right way home.

 

Yes, this a better length to post. And a fine story... keep it comin'!

 

You've mentioned Chirofen before. I am curious to learn more of this world you claim to have created, and the others that you say reside within your head.

A shaky beggining, but it is becoming a very good story I think. Your sentence structure could use some work, but the dialougue is good. It has potential. I think the areas with Dellin are mostly fine, as is the original paragraph - it is only the first part of your second post that seems shaky, but don't let me hold you down! I hope to see more.

 

I do not *claim* to have created it, I *did* create it.

I'll write more seeming as I was away.

Dellin hesitated as he reached forward to turn the handle to the door of the house, this was his third house he'd tried and so far none of them had been his, he pushed open the door. he walked in, yes this was his house alright. Lithita threw her arms around him almost knocking him over
"You're alright! I was so worried!" She stepped back, she looked as if she'd been crying again. She suddenly scowled at him.
"You're drunk."
"Yesh."
"Oh, Dellin! How could you! After everything!"
"Why'd you think I got like this?"
"I didn't think you would do this to me..."
"To you? I have done *nothing* to you, shister, I've always cared for you..." She sneered at him
"Get some sleep, we'll talk when you aren't out of your mind with alcohol." and he did. He fell to the floor, Lithita squealed slightly but realising he had just fallen to sleep, ignored him and went to her own room.

Dellin awoke the next morning with a throbbing pain in his head.
"Oh ****." he groaned and pulled himself offf the floor, he ached all over from lying on the hard floor at peculiar angles and sat himself down in a chair and tried to recall the night before. HE remembered an old man. And an offer, that he accepted.
"Oh ****..." He remembered talking to Lithita "Oh ****!" he went over to the kitchen and rummaged around a cupboard until he found a small bottle, he looked at it and reluctantly swallowed the contents in one gulp, he shuddered, it tasted disgusting. It was a local remedy for hangovers made from various plants and fish. But this was a town of sailors, so there wasn't much of it used. He put it back in the cupboard, and waited until it took effect. After a few minutes he began to think clearer and knocked on Lithitas' bedroom door, nothing, he opened it slightly, Lithita had obviously left while he was asleep on the floor. He'd have to find her.