Opinion on my enligh paper

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Okay, Here is the context, for my english (second language) class I must write a letter sent from the western front in the first world war, a letter from a canadian's soldier to his parent. May I ask your opinion? By the wat I'm in 10th grade (High school) and I didn't count my word but the minimum is 200 so I'm pretty sure I have more.

here's the evaluation criterion

-Your physical condition 5 points
-Your psychological condition 5 points
-Your life in the trench 5 points
-Weapon used against you 5 points
-Spelling and syntax 25 points
-total 50 points

so here you go

Dear Mother and Father,

The war is still ragging strong; the German hasn’t stopped their assault against the allied forces. Even though we’ve taken with success Vimy ridge a few months ago the conflict is far from being over. My life for the last two year and half has been a constant nightmare, with the constant fire from enemy’s canon, I can barely sleep. Flea and rats are everywhere and so is disease, man die as often from disease than from opponent’s riffle. Mud is also part of the life in the trench, we even received an order to change socks five times a day if not we may be arrested for being traitor to the nation. However my life isn’t that bad, as one of my comrades is life is by far worst. His family has moved to Canada ten years ago from Germany. I don’t know why he entered the army, did he know at least who do we were fighting? I have been shot in the left shoulder but fear not, I am still able to move it partially. Too many times I have seen a comrade fall in the dreadful no man’s land. If that wasn’t from machine gun it was barb wire and the least lucky got struck by canon. The machine gun… this gun could slay half a hundred man before having to reload, sadly it is use widely on both side. Yet there is an even more wicked weapon use by German, gas, this nasty gas can blind a man in no time, it can also burn throat dangerously fast. Danger is constant and everywhere, I don’t know how I made it this far, seeing dead man everywhere, seeing suffering all over the place, seeing desperate man charging toward the German only to get killed in a second, this is way to much to bear to a person’s mind. Even though I can still use my left arm a little I think I have became a burden to my comrade, now I can barely lift my weapon with one arm my day are counted now and so are everybody is. This region of France was, before this war, a forest region filled with tree. Now we can hardly see a single tree or any sign of vegetation. The region was also flat; nowadays the area is only filled with bomb crater, corpse, and mud. After one week we can’t recognise anyone who was left in no man’s land.

I hope to see you again one day, I love you,

Mathieu Forget, 12th December 1917

 

Well, on the first four criteria, I think you’ve done very well.

As for the last criteria – it depends on how tough the marking is going to be. Spelling is pretty good, and I could certainly understand what you were saying without any difficulty, but there are a number of grammatical errors. Most notably, and as is common for people for whom English is not their primary language, you often get mixed up between singular and plural – “is” instead of “are” (and vice versa), “man” instead of “men”, “flea” instead of “fleas”, etc. Another common mistake is leaving out small words such as “the” and “it”. As well, there are several punctuation errors. The are too many of these types of errors for me to be more specific, and I’m not about to re-write it for you . If this was written by someone whose first language was English, they wouldn’t (or at least shouldn’t) get good marks for grammar. In your case, it might not be so bad; as I said, I could understand what you were saying without a problem.

 

Hi Ofelix

I thought you did a wonderful job on the first four criteria. I applaud you for understanding trench warfare and being able to picture what it must have been like. Your character was believable and felt authentic. But like Splunge, I have to say that you have some problems with spelling and syntax that might take away from an otherwise excellent work. I'm not going to re-write the paragraph for you, but an example:

you wrote..

more properly it should be:

The war is still raging strong; the Germans haven't stopped their assault against the Allied forces.

Look very carefully at the spelling of the words and your use of plural and possesive. Hang in there and keep trying...I remember when I was in 10th grade and had to write a story in French...it came out obscene and I didn't even know it!

 

Except for the occasional odd turn of phrase , like

which you should probably change to "Even though we've successfully taken Vimy Ridge a few months ago, the conflict is far from being over." First rate!

 

Actually, your math is off, too. Four topics at 5 each, plus one at 25, gives 45 total; where is the other 5? (And, as an accountant, I'm pretty damned embarassed that I didn't catch this the first time. )

P.S. - I hope I didn't come across as being too negative in my first post. Overall, I think you did a fine job. (even if you did spell "english" wrong in the title. )

 

Indeed I have trouble and I am not the only one in my class with trouble with the is/are and has/have

DOH!

 

Olefix:
If only I could speak French as well as you speak English...

Just a thought - hey, if Chretien can become Prime Minister with his English, then you have nothing to worry about. (Not that I dislike Chretien for his problems with the language - I just think he's an idiot ; odd that I liked him when he was first elected.)

 

@Ofelix

Unless you manage to explain it away as the soldiers' natural use of the language, Im afraid you might get docked a good number for your spellings and grammar.
You should use shorter sentences. More often than not the commas should have been stops.But for the three countries, make every thing else a plural.
And what does this sentence mean?

Finally, even a letter can have paragraphs.

PS: Your story is very realistic. 20/20 for the 1st 4 criteria.

 

I think your letter is very good, you captured the soldier's resignation to his fate, which is can be difficult to convey. As for the errors in grammer, they can be corrected easily enough. Good luck!

 

Ok Ofelix, I have a little time on my hands so I thought I'd make the spelling an dsyntax corrections for you, and point out what it is that has changed (otherwise you'll never improve).

I'm not going to break it into paragraphs, or change any of the structure as that is more important for you to decide- the particular style works well as it shows the phsycic attributes involved, the frame of mind which the soldier is currently in, and I reccomend keeping it dis-jointed and running. It's a good tool. If your teacher questions you on this, tell her you did it to highlight the frame of mind the soldier was in while he was writing the letter.

Dear Mother and Father,

The war is still raging (sp) strong; { the Germans haven't or Germany hasn't -your choice } stopped their assault against the allied forces - (full stop changed to hyphen) even though we took Vimy ridge with success a few months ago the conflict is far from being over. My life for the past two and a half years has been a constant nightmare, with the (don't use the word constant again so soon, pick another) fire from the enemy’s cannon {comma removed} I can barely sleep. Fleas and rats are everywhere, {comma inserted} and so is disease. {full stop} Men die as often from disease as from their opponnent’s rifle. Mud is also part of {"the" removed) life in the trench, we even received an order to change socks five times a day - (hyphen inserted) if not we may be arrested for being { traitors or a traitor - your choice} to the nation. However my life isn’t that bad, ("as" removed) one of my comrade's (possesive apostrophe added) is {by far the worst. or worse by far. - your choice, I reccomend the second option} His family ("has" removed, you may replace it with had if you wish) moved to Canada ten years ago from Germany. I don’t know why he entered the army, did he know at least who ("do" removed) we were fighting? I have been shot in the left shoulder but fear not, I am still able to move it partially. Too many times I have seen a comrade fall in the dreadful no man’s land. If that wasn’t by machine gun it was barb wire and the least lucky got struck by cannon. The machine gun… this gun could slay half a hundred men before having to reload, sadly it is used widely on both sides. Yet there is an even more wicked weapon used by Germany or the Germans - your choice} (I changed the comma to a hyphen) - gas. (comma changed to full stop) This nasty gas can blind a man in no time, it can also burn throats dangerously fast. Danger is constant and everywhere, I don’t know how I made it this far, seeing dead men everywhere, seeing suffering all over the place, seeing desperate men charging toward the Germans only to get killed in a second; (comma changed to semi-colon) this is way too much to bear for a person’s mind. Even though I can still use my left arm a little I think I have became a burden to my comrades, as I can barely lift my weapon with one hand. (arm changed to hand, comma to full stop) My days are counted now and so are everybody else's. This region of France was, before this war, a forest region filled with trees. Now we can hardly see a single tree, (comma inserted) or any sign of vegetation. The region was also flat; nowadays the area is only filled with bomb craters, corpses, and mud. After one week we can no longer (I changed this so it flows better) recognise anyone who was left in no man’s land.

I hope to see you again one day, I love you,

Mathieu Forget, 12th December 1917

 

Well a big Thank you Manus...! My problem is I used French ponctuation... I just can't recall english's Anyway I made the change it seem bette now, Thank you very much.


@ Splunge the 5th criteria is the battlefield I have forgot to write the first time, I knew it was 50 points!

Anyway He's will be out soon enough... On the other side... Will Paul Martin be better?

[ November 02, 2003, 17:20: Message edited by: Ofelix ]

 

hey im not saying i could do better but while reading these posts, ive noticed that people have made alot of typos when telling someone else how to spell words
P.S this post is not meant to be offensive in any way, shape or form its just mearly pointing out the contradiction here

P.S.S this probably is spam but i just had to say it

[EDIT:] doh just noticed after posting that ive made a few typos