Padeen's Adventures

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I was wondering if you could tell me what you think of this story I've been writing:It's not finished yet but if you see any mistakes or have any ideas/comments the please post.Also give a score of 1-100:

Padeen's Adventures:The first part of training.

Chapter one:Introduction.

Once upon a time in the medieval ages in a country naed neverwinter there was a great and prosperous town called waterdeep.This city was not very famous.Little did the inhabitance know that in there city the powerfullest adventurer to be was being raised.His mother was the beutiful elf Elisia.His father was unknowen and his brother was Cocilius.Padeen was born in 1251 in suldaneselar.But lo,his mother was exiled for reason's unknowen to all exept the ellf queen Ellesim.So Padeen was raised in the prosperus city of waterdeep.He did not know of what fate had instored for him but only the powerfullest knew that on his eightenth bithday the world would take a tremendous shock.

Chapter two:The early years.

"Coming mother" shouted Padeen as his mother had called him to their household.
"What is ammiss mother"said Padeen.
"I cannot find thy brother who has to set out for his journey to the priest guild in Amn"answerd Padeen's mother.
"I will find mine brother for thy"said Padeen.
"Thank you Padeen.Hurry now"said Elisia.
Padeen walked to the door and as soon as he shut it he heared a distant melodie.His eyes widened,his heart started to thumb even harder,his face rushed with exitment because he recognised this melody.It was the queens favorite tune wich meant that the queen was coming.He ran into the house and said:
"Queen Ellesime is coming mother"shouted Padeen with eyes full of exitmenrt.
"The queen!!!O happy day.The queen is stoping in our village to take an apprentice"said Elisia with hope for Padeen in her heart.
"Mother the queen has just arrived!!!"said Cocilius rushing throught the door.
"Cocilius.Where have you been???"said Elisia when a flash of light flyed throught the window and became Ellesime,the elf queen.
"Elisia of suldaneselar",said the queen,"where is thy son."
"Which of mine kin doust thy want my queen."said Elisia in the elven languadge so that the staring inhabitance of waterdeep would not understand.
"Padeen"Replied the queen in the same language.
"I am here mine Queen,I bow to thy."Said Padeen trying to sound extremely respectfull.
"Young Padeen thy must accompany me to the Elven capitol for I wish that you will become mine apprentice in the art's f the arcane."Said the queen in a soewhat humble voice.
"My queen,do not try to be humble in our presence,it is a great honour for us to have you here."Said Elisia.
"Thy must accompany me too"said the queen.
"My queen I want to come too and study the elven wayes of healing and not the human wayes."Said Cocilius.
"Thy can come to if thy wishes to."Said the queen
"I do my queen"Replied cosilius in a happy and exited voice.
"Then it is set.You shall all accompany me to the Elven capitol,Suldaneselar." Said the queen as the eager Padeen and his family packed for their journey.

Chapter three:The preperetions for the journey.

"Quicly now Coclius.Pack everythin that is neccecary and go say fair well to youre friends.You to Padeen."Said Elisia.
"What should I take with "Murmured Padeen as he packed away some clothing,a bottle of healing potion,a belt of leather and gold that once belonged to his unknowen father and some other weird items.
"Padeen.Padeen."Called his mother as she ran up the stairs.
"Padeen I want you to have this long sword."Said his mother while givin a golden blade to Padeen.
"It was youre fathers Padeen.You may only be 14 but I want you to have it."Said Elisia.
"Mother it is a fine blade"Said Padeen.
"I am happy you like it.Now go say goodbeye to youre friends while I take this to the wagon."Said Elisia.
Padeen Rushed outside and bid farewell to all his friend.When he was about to depart a young girl Named Aeris ran up to the wagon and said:
"Excuse me but may I talk to Padeen for a minute."Said Aeris.
"Of course"said Ellesime.
The wago door opened and Padeen got out and started to tlk with aeris:
"Where have you been Aeris???I've been looking all over the town for you"Said Padeen.
"That's not important",said aeris in a rushefull yet surtain voice,"I vwant to come with you,my mother has alredy agreed to it and I have all my belngins with me."
"You should ask the queen"Replied Padeen.
"Okay!!!"said Aeris.
"Um I was wondering if I could come with you miss Ellesime."Said Aeris in a scared voice.
"It's a bit crouded in this wagon but I suppose that you could."Said Ellesime.
"Thank you!!!"Said Aeris in a happy but scared voice.
"Before we leave thought I want you to stop being so scared of me."Said Ellesime in an almost laughing voice.
"Okay"Said Aeris.
And so Padeen,Aeris,Cosilius and Elisia all started there way with queen Ellesime for the great Elven capitol.

Chapter four:The crossing.

The queen had been explaining to Padeen about his training and about how he will eventually become a great wizard ever since they left.
"The Arcane lore is an extremely difficult thing to understand and ven if I teach you you may never understand it,many mages dont."Said Ellesime.
"I know my queen and I hope that one day you will be proud of me"Said Padeen.
"I know that I will,soon we will be arraiving at the cracs of the 7th hell."Said Ellesime.
"What are they??"Asked Padeen.
"They are the only obstical but they are also a tremendous fire elemental vallay."Said Ellesime
"Cool.Maybe I can show you my fighting skills"Said Padeen
"You might find the elementals alot tougher than you think"Said Ellesime
The party continued and reached the cracks.While traveling throught it Padeen shouted loudly.
"A magma element"Said padeen drawing his sword and rushing in battle.
"Padeen!!!"Shouted Aeris and Elisia together.
Padeen fought the elemental for some time,eventually he ran his sword through it.
"Hraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"Cried the beast as it slowly melted into the ground.
"Young Padeen,I am really impresed by youre skills"Said Ellesime.
"Thank you my queen"Replied Padeen in a satisfied voice.
"Let us continue our journey then "Said Ellesime.
The rest of the journey continued with no events.The party Continued throught the valley of the hawk fighting of the hawk wivh where trying to get a bite from the meat tha the party was carring.They crossed the great sea waching the dolphins swim with the boat.They traveled to the great mountain where the party finally got some action.
"Padeen I want to speak with you"Said Aeris in a scared voice.
"What is it aeris"Replied Padeen.
"Have you really realised the reason I am with you"Said Aeris.
"You want to aid a friend and visit youre home town???"Said Padeen in a guessing voice
"Ha"Said Aeris in an angry and disspointed voice and left.
"What???"Said Padeen in a sad voice.
"Do you know the real reason???"Asked Ellesime.
"Yes I do"Said Padeen.
"Do you see the goblin hord on th trailthat were on???"Said Ellesime.
"Yes"
"Wach carefully to see the true power of a mage."Said Ellesime.
"INKERTUS HULKAR IMPERIUM"Bellowed Ellesime as a ball of fire shot from here hands and wiped out the goblins.
"Fire ball can be ussuful at moments"Said Ellesim laughing.
"Amazing "said Padeen.
The journey acrross the mountain stayed uneventful after.They crossed the mountain and the woods of suldaneselar with a brief stop at the druids guild where Padeen learned Fireball.At the far end of the forest Ellesime shouted out"El hajjaj"And the trees cleared revealing the great elven capitol.Suldaneselar.


Paddy the writer!!!

 

Language needs touching up and so does the spelling, but it might turn out quite good...

 

By languadge do you mean the thy,thou,mine and kin???They are ancient latin.

 

I think 8people meant your spelling. Ellesim is Ellesime and other stuff. Oh, and this belongs to Creativity Surge. Think before posting.

 

Keep going, Padine. It's not a bad effort and has a charmingly naive touch to it.

* A few things you might want to think about:

1.
Try to be consistent, unless you're mixing styles for humorous effect.

Thy - which should have been thee - in the first sentence and Cool from the second sentence, do not sound like they come from the same time and absolutely not the same character.

2.
Why do you use multiple exclamation and question marks? There is no point in always using three in a row. It's just annoying. Stick with one!

3.
The initial letter of a name should be in capital. It's Waterdeep, not waterdeep. You're mixing this, sometimes using capital letters and sometimes lowercase letters, making the text look a little messy.

4.There are many spelling errors, here are the first I noticed:
powerfullest -> most powerful
beutiful -> beautiful
unknowen -> unknown
reason's -> reasons
ellf -> elf
etc.
Spelling errors can be handled by using a spelling checker, which can take some time. Another way is to read through and edit the post after you've posted it. You're likely to find at least a few errors on your own that way.

There is no need to make it perfect, at least I don't think so.

Bottom line:
- Read through your post afterward and edit the mistakes you find.
- Stop with the !!! and ???

And keep writing!

 

I've updated it with another paragraphe and I will take all of you're advice.


Padeen's Adventures:The first part of training.

Chapter one:Introduction.

Once upon a time in the medieval ages in a country naed neverwinter there was a great and prosperous town called waterdeep.This city was not very famous.Little did the inhabitance know that in there city the powerfullest adventurer to be was being raised.His mother was the beutiful elf Elisia.His father was unknowen and his brother was Cocilius.Padeen was born in 1251 in suldaneselar.But lo,his mother was exiled for reason's unknowen to all exept the ellf queen Ellesim.So Padeen was raised in the prosperus city of waterdeep.He did not know of what fate had instored for him but only the powerfullest knew that on his eightenth bithday the world would take a tremendous shock.

Chapter two:The early years.

"Coming mother" shouted Padeen as his mother had called him to their household.
"What is ammiss mother"said Padeen.
"I cannot find thy brother who has to set out for his journey to the priest guild in Amn"answerd Padeen's mother.
"I will find mine brother for thee"said Padeen.
"Thank you Padeen.Hurry now"said Elisia.
Padeen walked to the door and as soon as he shut it he heared a distant melodie.His eyes widened,his heart started to thumb even harder,his face rushed with exitment because he recognised this melody.It was the queens favorite tune wich meant that the queen was coming.He ran into the house and said:
"Queen Ellesime is coming mother"shouted Padeen with eyes full of exitmenrt.
"The queen!!!O happy day.The queen is stoping in our village to take an apprentice"said Elisia with hope for Padeen in her heart.
"Mother the queen has just arrived!!!"said Cocilius rushing throught the door.
"Cocilius.Where have you been???"said Elisia when a flash of light flyed throught the window and became Ellesime,the elf queen.
"Elisia of suldaneselar",said the queen,"where is thy son."
"Which of mine kin doust thy want my queen."said Elisia in the elven languadge so that the staring inhabitance of waterdeep would not understand.
"Padeen"Replied the queen in the same language.
"I am here mine Queen,I bow to thy."Said Padeen trying to sound extremely respectfull.
"Young Padeen thy must accompany me to the Elven capitol for I wish that you will become mine apprentice in the art's f the arcane."Said the queen in a soewhat humble voice.
"My queen,do not try to be humble in our presence,it is a great honour for us to have you here."Said Elisia.
"Thy must accompany me too"said the queen.
"My queen I want to come too and study the elven wayes of healing and not the human wayes."Said Cocilius.
"Thy can come to if thy wishes to."Said the queen
"I do my queen"Replied cosilius in a happy and exited voice.
"Then it is set.You shall all accompany me to the Elven capitol,Suldaneselar." Said the queen as the eager Padeen and his family packed for their journey.

Chapter three:The preperetions for the journey.

"Quicly now Coclius.Pack everythin that is neccecary and go say fair well to youre friends.You to Padeen."Said Elisia.
"What should I take with "Murmured Padeen as he packed away some clothing,a bottle of healing potion,a belt of leather and gold that once belonged to his unknowen father and some other weird items.
"Padeen.Padeen."Called his mother as she ran up the stairs.
"Padeen I want you to have this long sword."Said his mother while givin a golden blade to Padeen.
"It was youre fathers Padeen.You may only be 14 but I want you to have it."Said Elisia.
"Mother it is a fine blade"Said Padeen.
"I am happy you like it.Now go say goodbeye to youre friends while I take this to the wagon."Said Elisia.
Padeen Rushed outside and bid farewell to all his friend.When he was about to depart a young girl Named Aeris ran up to the wagon and said:
"Excuse me but may I talk to Padeen for a minute."Said Aeris.
"Of course"said Ellesime.
The wago door opened and Padeen got out and started to tlk with aeris:
"Where have you been Aeris???I've been looking all over the town for you"Said Padeen.
"That's not important",said aeris in a rushefull yet surtain voice,"I vwant to come with you,my mother has alredy agreed to it and I have all my belngins with me."
"You should ask the queen"Replied Padeen.
"Okay!!!"said Aeris.
"Um I was wondering if I could come with you miss Ellesime."Said Aeris in a scared voice.
"It's a bit crouded in this wagon but I suppose that you could."Said Ellesime.
"Thank you!!!"Said Aeris in a happy but scared voice.
"Before we leave thought I want you to stop being so scared of me."Said Ellesime in an almost laughing voice.
"Okay"Said Aeris.
And so Padeen,Aeris,Cosilius and Elisia all started there way with queen Ellesime for the great Elven capitol.

Chapter four:The crossing.

The queen had been explaining to Padeen about his training and about how he will eventually become a great wizard ever since they left.
"The Arcane lore is an extremely difficult thing to understand and ven if I teach you you may never understand it,many mages dont."Said Ellesime.
"I know my queen and I hope that one day you will be proud of me"Said Padeen.
"I know that I will,soon we will be arraiving at the cracs of the 7th hell."Said Ellesime.
"What are they??"Asked Padeen.
"They are the only obstical but they are also a tremendous fire elemental vallay."Said Ellesime
"Cool.Maybe I can show you my fighting skills"Said Padeen
"You might find the elementals alot tougher than you think"Said Ellesime
The party continued and reached the cracks.While traveling throught it Padeen shouted loudly.
"A magma element"Said padeen drawing his sword and rushing in battle.
"Padeen!!!"Shouted Aeris and Elisia together.
Padeen fought the elemental for some time,eventually he ran his sword through it.
"Hraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"Cried the beast as it slowly melted into the ground.
"Young Padeen,I am really impresed by youre skills"Said Ellesime.
"Thank you my queen"Replied Padeen in a satisfied voice.
"Let us continue our journey then "Said Ellesime.
The rest of the journey continued with no events.The party Continued throught the valley of the hawk fighting of the hawk wivh where trying to get a bite from the meat tha the party was carring.They crossed the great sea waching the dolphins swim with the boat.They traveled to the great mountain where the party finally got some action.
"Padeen I want to speak with you"Said Aeris in a scared voice.
"What is it aeris"Replied Padeen.
"Have you really realised the reason I am with you"Said Aeris.
"You want to aid a friend and visit youre home town???"Said Padeen in a guessing voice
"Ha"Said Aeris in an angry and disspointed voice and left.
"What???"Said Padeen in a sad voice.
"Do you know the real reason???"Asked Ellesime.
"Yes I do"Said Padeen.
"Do you see the goblin hord on th trailthat were on???"Said Ellesime.
"Yes"
"Wach carefully to see the true power of a mage."Said Ellesime.
"INKERTUS HULKAR IMPERIUM"Bellowed Ellesime as a ball of fire shot from here hands and wiped out the goblins.
"Fire ball can be ussuful at moments"Said Ellesim laughing.
"Amazing "said Padeen.
The journey acrross the mountain stayed uneventful after.They crossed the mountain and the woods of suldaneselar with a brief stop at the druids guild where Padeen learned Fireball.At the far end of the forest Ellesime shouted out"El hajjaj"And the trees cleared revealing the great elven capitol.Suldaneselar.

Chapter five:the city of Suldaneselar.

Padeen walked into the city and he saw the most beutiful buildings that he had ever saw.They had some kind of a purple and pink marble that looked like glass and they had golden drawings on them and many had golden doors.
"What are these houses made of???"Asked Padeen
"Some kind of illithium we suspect.Our ancestors built this city so nothing is really sure about it"Replied Elesime.
They continued inside the city when a group of elven girls stopped and shouted"The Queen is back".They appeared to be the queen hand maidens.Padeen was not thinking about training anymore.Aeris gave him a look of disaprooval.They arrived at a huge building which Padeen suspected was the palace.They wen't inside and to Padeen's suprise there was nothing in it.
"This is Flissettaat's house."Said Ellesime.
"Who is Flisserraat?"Inquierd Padeen.
No sooner had he finished talking when a great golden dragon apeared out of thin air whith a weird glowing pink ord in it's hand's.The dragon said.
"Queen Ellesime what do you require of my knowledge this time?"Said the dragon with a voice so loud it seemed it shuck the trees.
"I want to know if this child I have brought you is the one who has been born of divine nature?"Said Ellesime in dragon languadge.Padeen seemed to understand it but he couldent make out much.
The dragon aproached Padeen and said three words:
"Who are you?"Said the dragon.
"I am Padeen."Said Padeen.
"No last name eh?"Said the dragon.
"My father is unknowen."Said Padeen.
"You will be pleased to now that your name is deus Imperium."Said the dragon
"What does that mean?"Said Padeen.
"I cannot tell you."Said the dragon
"He is the one Ellesime.Train him well for he might bring some order into this world"Said the dragon in it's languadge.
They left the house of the dragon and went to a smaller house where Ellesime gave them some food and drink and said:
"Get some rest because tommorow you will all be trained."
*
The next morning Padeen left the house and went to explore the ciy.He stoped by many houses to study the golden drawings but they did not make any sense.Eventually he went bachk to the house and Ellesime and Aeris,who had not been seen for some time,where alredy training.
"Am I late???"Asked Padeen.
"No you are not,we are just getting started."Said Ellesime when a loud noise was heard and a great Dragon appeared.
"Run for this dragon is not our friend"Said Ellesime.The dragon thought shot a huge fireball at them striking Aeris.Padeen rushed to her:
"Aeris are you alright???"Said Padeen.
"Yes,I think so....."Said Aeris while fainting.
Padeen gave a mighty roar of pain and the as he stopped eveyone stared at him as his eyes turned white and a Wall of white tranceparante flames rose frome him and as the fla died out Padeen had gaine dragon wings,long white hair,cat ears coming out of his hair,white dragon feet just like his wings andhis hands had white bandages with magical energy coming from his hands.
"Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"Bellowed Padeen as a magical sword appeared in his hands.He ran into the dragon giving it a mighty blow and killing it.After it died Padeen Fell down and changed back to normal.



l

[This message has been edited by Padine the Paladin (edited July 02, 2002).]

 

Padine, please use spellcheck and find a good beta-reader or i just go and complain to Tal.

 

Jesus, what is your problem. Padine's trying to write a decent story and all you can say is I'll complain if you keep making a few spelling mistakes!? so what....why say that!? Are you just intent on not liking him or something?

 

Indeed, I totally agree with what Z-Layrex said!

 

Your story looks good, Padine. Also, I noticed for your conversations you use "said" a lot. Writing a story needs variation. So instead of saying "said" when you ask a question, maybe use "questioned", or "asked". That sort of thing. Keep it up.

 

You should keep up writing, the more you'll write, the better your stories/chapters will be.

 

I Copied and pasted the material.The chapters were alredy made.I'll only post the new paragraphs.

 

Ok, maybe I nagged too much. And I DO NOT have absolutely nothing against Padine, the story idea is original, just there are many spelling mistakes.

So, I apologize, I did not mean to be nasty or mean. Just sometmies, when I see a story with many spelling mistakes, I can turn into a nagging monster.

 

It's okay.I also hate spelling.


Chapter six:The journey begin's.


Padeen arose from an Elvish bed and looked around him.He had a stabing pain in his back,and his neck has stif and with every movement it made a cracking sound.
"Where am I?What happened?Why am I here."Padeen Inquired to a man in purple robes.
"You have awaken mighty Hybrid Dragon.I am Inquisitor.An Elven mage.You are here because of the events tha happened here last month."Answered Inquisitor.
"What happened?"Asked Padeen as his sight slowly returned.
"Do not try to see.You're eyes will be like that for some time.Last month a Green Dragon attacked Suldaneselar and hurt on of the elven girls."Said Inquisitor as the door slammed open and from it arrose the light of outside,where a thousand elves where staring inside.
"Why are they starring at me?"Said Padeen in a dissapointed voice because he had expected Aeris to walk throught.
"You're sight has already returned.Amazing.Come with me."Said inquisitor as he rushed out of the house.
Padeen got up and noticed that he was in Some other big building.He started walking but found it hard as his feet were weak from the month's sleep.
"Let me help you"Said a misterious voice from behind Padeen.Padeen turned around to see the most unlikely creature,a drow, walking towards him.
"You are a drow.Why are you in an Elven city.Leave before I draw my sword."
"Leave you're sword in it's sheet Hybrid"Said the drow.
"Okay."Said Padeen as he walked out of the house with the help of the drow.In a short while Padeen was taken to the Palace and was left to sit down on another bed.
"Stay"Commanded the drow as she went into a door and from the door came Ellesime and Aeris.
"Padeen!You're alive."Said Aeris while one silent tear droped from here face which brought another and another.
"Aeris are you alright?"Asked Padeen as a tear dropped from his face too.
"Padeen,I want to tell you something........".
"First let me tell him his fate as I told you youre's"Interrupted Ellesime.
Ellesime told Padeen that he became something that had only been seen before in the region of the Tsin Empire.She said that he was some mix of a god that had possest a Dragon wich ingected it's spawn into Elisia,making him a hybrid.Hybrids are mage/thief half dragons which posses the power of magic which dragon's have but only a small piece of there apierance.Hybrid's also have no power over themeselves when they transform.
"There are two way's to counter youre fate.You can either choose to travel to lands far away and learn how to control youre transformation,or you can say here were the power will consume you and kill you."Said Ellesime in a sad voice.
"I choose to travel too lands far away."Replied Padeen.
"So be it.You may say goodbeye to all of the people in this city that you know"Said Ellesime.
"Padeen"Cryed Aeris as Tears over tears ran down here face.
"You cannot leave if you dont take me with you."Cryed out Aeris
"I cannot take anyone with me"Replied Padeen.
"Then I reaquest that the queen puts me to sleep until you return.I cannot stant to wake up and not see you because....because.....I love you Padeen"Cryed Aeris.
"I know",Replied Padeen,"so I will take you with me.And I need another four people to akompany me on my great journey."
"I will come with you"Said Cocilius
"As life start's and ends,mine start's with ou Padeen."Said Inquisitor.
There was a brief silence.
"Will no one else help me in my jurney........okay then,we shall return on day."Said Padeen.
And so the party packed there equipment and left the city of Suldaneselar with no idea of where to go.

 

You have made less spelling mistakes! keep that up. The story itself is also quite nice

 

Lol yes, less mistakes, and more variety. Getting better! Keep it up.

 

Less spelling mistakes, but still quite a few..

Padine, in the last bit the character jumped from saying, "No I wont take anyone with me, to Ok, Ill take you with me, and four others.." (paraphrased, but the point remains). That is extremely jerky.
But over all the story is good.

(Also, adding spaces in after punctuation would make it alot more readable...
It is sometimes difficult to realise which parts are spoken, and which are telling who spoke untill you read it.)

 

Character Bioghraphy:
Padeen:

Born 1251A.D in the Elven city of Suldaneselar.His mother is the Elven sorceres Elisia and his father is unknowen.He proved to have magical abilities from the age of 8.His mothr was exiled from suldaneselar in 1259A.D for unknowen reason's and so Padeen grew up with his brother in the city of Waterdeep.When at the age of 14 Padeen was taken with his family and a young girl of his age to suldaneselar.At suldanesear Padeen was going to receve mage training but when a dragon attacked the city,Padeen used his ultimate power's,Dragomorth.Unfortunatly Padeen could not control the power and so Padeen has started a quest,a quest to learn how to control his powers.Padeen took with him Inquisitor,Aeris and Cocilius.Padeen is a mage/thief who will easaly change his mind.

Aeris Highwood:

Aeris highwood was born in 1251A.D and her father,Elhan Highwood, was killed in a battle against the orc's and the drow, while her mother,Erica Highwood, disappeared a long time ago.Aeris now lives in a sorceror scholl.She left her training to go with Padeen to the city of suldaneselar where she saw the great power and desided to help Padeen on his epic quest.Aeris is a sorceres with many love feeling's toward's Padeen.

Inquisitor:

Inquisitor was only seen after Padeen had used his power's.Some think that he is a creature created by the aura of power that Padeen has.He is always coered in purple and pink robes with a small opening for his eyes,whick cannot be seen.He is a Fighter/mage with a serious temper.

Cocilius:

Coclius was born in 1247A.D and is Padeen's brother.He traveled with Padeen to Suldaneselar and now he is traveling with him to land's unknowen.Cocilius is a cleric of Helm who can be too stuborn at certain time's.

These are the charachter bioghraphies wich will be updated as the story continues.What do you think?

Paddy!!!

[This message has been edited by Padine the Paladin (edited July 05, 2002).]

 

Very good, but try to add more depth into the stuff and use spellcheck.

Here in BoM we have normal people, who understand those, who are new to writing. But in Fanfiction.net, that story would be smashed by LOT of criticizers there. So, if you want to post it there, you NEED a beta. This part of your brain, what generates ideas, is working very well, I gladly admit.
So, I apologize for the nagging and wish you luck.