Poem about life, death or something in between

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If anyone saw the thread about Life:right or privledge it got me talking about life and what I thought of it and it reminded me of somehting I wrote.I value everyones opinion(most of you peoples anyways lol)so I wanted to know what you think of something I wrote.

Long Forgotten

Life has been wasted,
Tears have been shed,
Now I sit here, cold and dead.
I’ve wasted my time,
Wasted my years,
Now I’m gone, but no one sheds tears.
Death has been earned,
Life never deserved,
Now I’ll sit here, never disturbed.
No one weeps,
No one cries,
No one understands, why I had to die.
Long have I been gone,
Long have I been forgotten,
I’ll just sit here, cold and rotten.
For I am just a corpse, long forgotten.


Questions comments?You suck don't post anything again.....?

 

I like the twilight zone from life to death. And the feelings you mention are really familiar.

 

Nice. For someone older.

Bring some light in your poetry, life is beautiful actually! When you're not surrounded by artificial nickchanged mutes...

 

Yeah, quite good...
Continue honing your skills and talents, you have my full moral support...

 

Now all I need is for you to give me Lokken's talent and I'll have a shot lol.

PS-Anyone who reads this poem post your comment!plz....I really want to know peoples opinions.

[This message has been edited by cirian16 (edited March 05, 2002).]

 

well the context is cool, rhymes ok some places

some of the lines might get a bit too long, like:

Now I’m gone, but no one sheds tears

could be two lines:

Now I'm gone
None shed tears

it really depends how you want to make it sound. You could also cut out some of hte not so necessary words like: now, just

and perhaps instead of: has been and have been in the first two lines, could be: have I.
Makes it sound a little more powerful if it's around yourself the whole poem is circling. But again, it depends how you want to make it sound. Neat all in all though
everyone have different styles, so it's just a matter of picking your own.

 

Thanks for the input Lokken if all my other careers go sour I'm planning to fall back on my writing skills and become a poor quirky writer.

 

Wow that was even bleaker than something I would write. But it has a good rhyme. But as Extremist saied try bring a happy ending or something. Life is something that is supposed to be enjoyed.

 

Yes of course life is beautifull life is...a gift.But what I wrote about was someone who didn't relize this untill it was to late(ever hear of the saying you never know how psecial something is till you lose it....something like that).And about the whole right about happy....ness?...I write to vent my poetry may be sad but through getting it out I find happyness....enough of my rambling.

 

I like that poem, kind of reminds me of the style I write...not really sure if thats good.

read one of mine.. Ive been told its one of my more melodramatic.

Thougts of suicide float in my head.
Feelings of loses make me wish to be dead.
Tears seep from closed eyes.
Lost in the darkness of my mind.
Lost in the blackest dreams.
The sacred desires,
Feeling torn -- feeling scorn.
Feeling every thing;
And nothing.


(definitely not about the happiest side of life..)

 

There is much talent on this boards when it comes to wrting poetry and stories. This topic proved that again... good poem... the interesting part is indeed that you see things not from the way of the living... but you see through the eyes of a death guy...

 

Its pretty good...i woulda added something to the last line but thats just me and hey.....today I just joined a group after school for its refreashments under a differant name(well they said Jesus is coming to their house so I asked if I could come to.....and it was deritos(sp?).Anyways I don't like to think I write about suicide because I always have these feelings that...there has to be a purpose so I'm not exactly runnin for the razors(there are helplines if you are)but ahhh again I ramble.....

 

I do see things from that perspective, and others, maybe a blessing, maybe a curse. I didnt say I was going to commit suicide.. just that the thoughts were there. The poetry that I write always seems to be written when something bad has happened.

Something from a less suicidal veiw. (but does that make the veiw right?)

Life is a lie,
'Till you live in truth.
Sight is a lie,
'Till you see whats real.
Hearing is a lie,
'Till you hear infliction.
Taste is a lie,
'Till you taste the ashes.
Touch is a lie,
'Till you touch someones heart.
Feeling is a lie,
'Till you understand emotion.