Question about ¨love¨

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Yeah ¨Love¨ a big mean word eh?

I got a friend who's been asking me what to do, but I well... Don't know what realy to say to her. Her problem is:

She got two close friends (both male), the first one, who happen to be my best friends, has fallen in love with her. But she had fallen in love with the other guys. She told me that she thinks David (the one she doesn't ¨love¨) is irrated because she spent more with Phillipe (the other guys, obviously) but she isn't sure about Phillipe's feeling towards her. And she fear she'll lose David as a friends if she ¨make a move¨ with Phillipe. But since she's not sure about Phillipe she doesn't know what to do. And of top of that she find it hard to hide her feeling about those two guys.

Er.... What the hell am I suposed to tell her?!
I am pleased she thinks I'm reliable enough to listen to her problem, and I'd be more than happy to help. However I just don't know what to do...

A little help please?

(Why do I have the feeling Chevalier will be answering this one? )

 

A difficult one. There are several things I think she should consider.

First of all, just clarify that this is love, and not physical lust. Assuming it is:

If she has difficulty hiding her feelings, David will become irritated anyway. It sounds as if there isn't a lot that will stop this, short of her suddenly cutting everything off with Phillipe.

As for Phillipe, she should ask herself - is the friendship close enough to survive if he rejects her? If so, she should probably go for it. If not, then I'm not really sure.

Also, how will she feel if she doesn't make a move, and Phillipe enters into a relationship with somebody else?

My advice would be to write down the pros and cons of each possibility. It sounds cold and clinical, but it does work in helping to get things ordered in ones own mind. Ultimately, it's her choice - the best I think you can do is help her to understand *exactly* how she feels.

Hope that's of some help.

 

You know, I didn't check the age. *curses*
In that case, may I amend: dmc is absolutely right.

 

Giving advice on love is a 50/50 proposition at best. You can come out looking like Dr. Ruth or end up looking like you ruined the persons life. My advice would be to be a good friend and listen and be attentive. Remember that you can't make someone love you. Teen romance is fickle at best.

 

Ofelix - tell her neither of those guys are good enough for her. They both sound like weaners.

 

I think you should stay out of it, lest you want the blame to be put on you if things go wrong.

But I have a situation myself that needs helping with. A friend of mine, a girl we'll call S, is in a relationship with a guy we'll call D. The only reason S is in this relationship with D is because D loves S. S has a crush on M (another guy) and recently, M has confessed that he likes S as well. S is overjoyed but the problem now is she doesn't know how what to tell D. What can she say to D so as to not hurt his feelings too much? The truth that she was never really in love with D? The truth that she's in love with another guy? Make up a story? (though I doubt this is the answer). Both S and M are good friends of mine and I'd really like to see them together (so would many of S's friends, apparently).

So... some advice from the ladies in this forum would be greatly appreciated and especially welcome.

 

You don't have to read below. It's your problem not mine, first of all.

I tend to agree with Harbourboy on this one, although everyone else seems to make a good point, too.

It's quite obvious you aren't being told the whole story. As for David, it seems to me there's more to the problem than just he being interested. The girl speaks about losing friends etc, but it looks like she can't keep both guys but doesn't want to lose either of them.

It's her decision and hers alone, and no one's going to make it for her and relieve her from responsibility, so she may as well stop bothering already.

Ah, and there's one thing women must learn: submitting to a guy's desires because of fear of losing him as friends leads to nowhere. Favours of this kind are not a good way of keeping a friend. An old friend of mine learnt this the hard way in more drastic circumstances. You don't want your friend to go that route. But if she chooses it, her right.

I guess it's better for her to wait for a third guy.

@Rhythm: That's what girls get for submitting to guys too easily for the sake of being not pestered anymore. If she doesn't love the guy, there's no reason to make a martyr of herself. They aren't married for goodness's sake and D also had better get a girl that loves him back. Having an affair and keeping it secret would be plain cheating. S had better do herself a favour and preserve her self-respect by dumping D and withholding any romantic interaction with M until she's free of obligations. Otherwise she's in for not one but two crappy relationships at one time and a loss of respect for herself and potentially for M.

Having to tell D that she never loved him is the price to pay for playing with people's feelings. Unless the poor sucker pressured her into it, whereby he will be paying the price for playing with people's feelings by watching her go to another man now. Works like karma a bit.

[ November 03, 2004, 05:48: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

Bah, why don't you want advice from the men? We do know a thing or two about lurrrrve.

She should just tell him the truth and soon. No point string the poor schmuck along any longer.

 

I didn't say I *didn't* want advice from the men. I just said advice from the girls would be especially welcome.

That's true. In S's case however, she thought she wasn't an attractive person (not true), and she's been silent about M because M is a guy who a lot of girls seem to be in to. And because of that she just accepted D when he came along. She just has low self-esteem I guess. Now S is having a hard time because she feels really guilty about her feelings for M. And yes, she is withholding any romantic relaionship with M until she's free of D. She wants to dump D, she just doesn't know how to do it delicately since D has put a lot of time and effort into her.

 

As I said, that's the price she has to pay for just accepting the guy when he came along and letting him put his time and effort in her while she was into with someone else. Being delicate about dumping and a simple apology will not fix that. But there's nothing that could repay that, either. I think you should tell her this. Next time she will have more consideration for people's feelings. D has probably already been hurt, will be hurt even more and there's a good chance the damage will be permanent. She has possibly scarred him for life. She can do nothing to repair that and needs to live with the knowledge.

[ November 03, 2004, 06:39: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

@ Ofelix: As mentioned before, it ain't love, mate - it's lust. If she loses David as a friend because she made a move on Phillipe then David wasn't worth keeping as a friend.

This is similar to the situation of someone demanding "Either you stop seeing him/her or I'll dump you!" - in that case the most just thing to do is dump the person who demanded such a thing. This type of rule can be applied here. If David objects then David wasn't even worth considering.

@ Rhythm: If S has lied to D about loving him then she can only blame herself for this situation. If S is scared of hurting D's feelings then she's in for a hard time because no matter what she does D is going to get hurt. Best for her to just tell D straight what's been going on - sure, there will be a lot of shouting, maybe some crying and D will be very pissed off, but he has a right to be.

She has to decide what matters most, her happiness or D's feelings. If she chooses D she might just love him and not realise it. If she chooses M then she obviously didn't love D and D is better off knowing this. Neither choice is the wrong choice but she should either put up or shut up.

 

stawy out of it! women can by wierd and fickle ways blame who they want for what they wan't, watch out...

a more serius point, stay out of it. because of the above

 

Being someone's best friend doesn't give you any right of being picked as someone's loved one. If she loves the other guy and not her best friend, tough on the friend. He'll have to deal with it. It's not her fault she doesn't love him.

She should however try and take her friend's feelings into account if she decides to pursue the other guy. After all, he's her best friend. Trampling over his heart isn't what friends are supposed to do.

 

why do you don't realize the truth. there is no love.

 

@Faragon: Supposing they have only been friends (the girl #1 and David) and nothing out of the ordinary has ever happened, you're right. But something in this situation is giving me a hunch that this is not the case. I'm getting a feeling that the girl is unsure of her feelings and that she might have given David some signs of interest that doesn't belong in friendship. The fear of losing him taken to such great lengths also contributes to this impression. We don't want to lose friends, but if they choose to go away because they don't like something, we don't stop them. Might be she treated David as sort of a boyfriend without the hard-to-go-through stuff like romantic gesture, confessions, promises, exclusive commitment. And then she saw some other guy who made her feel more romantic than that. Hence now a conflict of loyalties.

Of course, David could always be "seeing things", but is there no reason at all why he got irritated because the girl spent more time with another guy? It's hard to believe that everything begins and ends in David's head.

Hmm... has anyone else noticed similarities between Ofelix's friend's case and Rhythm's friend's case? Might be S is on a more advanced stage of the same problem that Ofelix's friend is having.

 

Easy solution:

Let her have both of them.

 

@Ofelix: In my experience with women, it seems that frequently they want someone to talk to about their problems, but do NOT want actual advice on a solution, even if they seem to be asking for it. This may be such a case.

My advice to you would be to be a good friend. Listen to your friend and help her decide for herself what she wants to do. Be her anchor so that she can make the hard decisions that she has ahead knowing that she has you to rely upon.

 

I know chev, there are too many options. I based my response on what I read literally in the post. Whatever else is going on, noone here can tell. Probably not even Ofelix.

 

@ Rythm

How to break up with a person. Tell her this.

Do it gently and quickly. Say something like, ‘You're a wonderful man and I really enjoy being with you. But, since I don't think we have what it takes in the long run, I care about you too much to lead you on.’
Here are three don'ts:


Don't make him feel he did something wrong that turned you off

Don't make him feel that there is something physically or emotionally wrong with him

Don't give him false hope that you'll change your mind

And a very important do:

Do treat him with respect and answer his questions as honestly, but diplomatically, as possible

Breaking up is never fun for either person, but you've got the easier job. Anyone who says it's more painful to leave than to be left is either in denial or a blatant liar. Be kind and compassionate – he deserves it