Redneck Driver's License

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If you're a redneck, please don't take offense. And for you Admins/Mods, the spelling errors in this aren't mistakes


Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth
[_] Badd-Teddy Bob

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: ______________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: _______________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ___________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
(Relation__________)
Father's Name: _______________________
(Relation__________)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______
If over 10, are you are still slow lerrnin? [_] Yes [_] No

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in UFO

___ Do you hunt Bear? If so, please do not explain

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___

Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

Distance between mobile home and Bubba's House of Beer ?

How many times has you received a DWI this year?____

Here's something else, an insanity test, but I'm not sure if it's been posted, since when I searched and checked out the posts, my computer couldn't load the link: .frenzy.com/~jester/racecar.html

 

ROTFL!!!!
I know i shouldn't be laughing but i am!!

 

ROTFLMAO

This is very good. I needed a laugh after all the sombre whinging that's been in whatnots recently.

 

What a good laugh, needed something to cheer my day up

 

redneck vocab

HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My
brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage:
"A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard
my pickup truck, and I ain't heard from him in munts."

THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them
bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left
my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few
munts ago."

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother
from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't
change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine
from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't
rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are
willin' to fat for are rats."

CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage: Just set that bare rat cheer.

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he
sed... must be from some farn country."

DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't
breathe...give 'im some ARE!"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that
bob war fence."

JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother
from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't
thanked but a minnit'n haze laf."

SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".

VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York
City... view?"

GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gubmint boys
shore is ignert.


more...

Top 10 Ways to Tell if a Redneck is Using Your Computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is painted in camoflague.

And the number #1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on your computer is....

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".....

 

Simply F*&%#in beeyootiful. Kin we git sum.. sum.. sumbitch to voice act this stuf en import into BG2? Y'all come back now ya hear.

 

Those were both great, although Drivers License was hysterical I got to show this to my friend from Mississippi. He will stomp a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry

 

My stomach is killing me from laughter!
And that other website... I'm out of breath! And I'm insane!
Everyone check out the link (I don't want to take credit for it because Faerus already wrote it down(it might become a link this time though)) www.frenzy.com/~jester/racecar.html

[This message has been edited by Rolsuk Fryulee (edited May 31, 2002).]

 

LOL! THis was fun... had me giggling my brains out...

Ara
(Insane odd hates life and tired)

 

Lol! Check this out.

(just click Dialectize!)

[This message has been edited by Wildfire (edited May 31, 2002).]

 

LOOOOL
Spledid work Wildfire, that cheered me up.
Check out the weekly poll... for starters.. *G* hehe. There is much more fun on SP than
I hade thought of. hehe.


EDIT; I didn't know Mollusken had it in him. He drives a tractor though
PS; The original Post is a comedy pearl

---------------------------------------------
This is how this thread really should be;
http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/dialectp. cgi?dialect=redneck&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sorcerers.net%2Fubb%2FForum7%2FHTML%2F001915.html


Among other things notice the names

Redneck Drivah's License
By Faerus Stoneslammer

Eff'n yer a redneck, please doesn't take offense. An' fo' yo' Admins/Mods, th' spellin' erro's in this hyar isn't mistakes

Plez compleet this hyar paper, bess ya kin.

Last name: ________________________________

Fust name:
[_] Billy Joe-Billy Bob [_] Billy Bob-Pansy
[_] Billy Joe-Billy Joe [_] Billy Bob-Jo
[_] Billy Joe-Ray [_] Billy Bob-Ann
[_] Billy Joe-Pansy [_] Billy Bob-Lee
[_] Billy Joe-Mae [_] Billy Bob-Ellen
[_] Billy Joe-Chattanooga [_] Billy Bob-Beth
[_] Badd-Teddy Billy Bob

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Lef' ____ Right

Occupashun:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: ______________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lovah's Name: _______________________________
2nd Lovah's Name: ___________________________

Relashunship wif spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mammy [_] Son
[_] Pappy [_] Dotter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of chillun livin' in household: ___
Number of chillun livin' in shed: ___
Number of chillun thet is yourn: ___

Mammy's Name: _______________________
(Relashun__________)
Pappy's Name: _______________________
(Relashun__________)

Ejoocayshun: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highess grade completed)
Eff'n yo' obtained a higher ejoocayshun whut was yer majo'?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do yo' [_] own o' [_] rent yer mobile home?

Vehicles yo' own an' whar yo' keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles yo' own
___ Number of vehicles thet still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age yo' started drivin ______
Eff'n on over 10, is yer still slow lerrnin? [_] Yessuh [_] No

Firearms yo' own an' whar yo' keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model an' year of yer pickup: _____________ 194_

Do yo' haf a gun rack?
[_] Yessuh [_] No Eff'n no, please explain:

Noospapers/magazines yo' subscribe to:
[_] Th' Nashunal Enquirer [_] Th' Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digess
[_] Rifle an' Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times yo've see a UFO
___ Number of times yo've see Elvis
___ Number of times yo've see Elvis in UFO

___ Do yo' hunt Bear? Eff'n so, please does not explain

How offen does yo' bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How menny teeth in YOUR mouth? ___

Colo' of teeth:
[_] Yeller [_] Brownish-Yeller
[_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A

Bran' of chewin' tobaccy yo' prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is yer home fum a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] doesn't knows

Distance between mobile home an' Bubba's House of Beer ?

How menny times has yo' received a DWah this year?____

Here's sumpin else, an insanity test, but ah's not sho'nuff eff'n it's been posted, on account o' when ah searched an' checked out th' posts, mah computer c'dn't load th' link: .frenzy.com/~jester/racecar.html

[This message has been edited by ArchAngel (edited May 31, 2002).]

 

LOL! Funny stuff

 

like the form FS!

i'll be adding wildfire's link to my favourites.

 

Here is another.

The outskirts of Orlando, Florda were badly damaged today when a twister came roaring in, devistating homes and damaging property. One resident, Billy-Bob Thorton, managed to get their family below ground just before the tornado ripped through their house. "I was on my porch, widdlin'." Said Thorton, "My joints started to ache so I knews we was in for a storm. Not more than 30 minutes later, I hear the dogs whinin' and yelpin like theys got some place to go and no way to get there. And Billy Joe, I seen him come a runnin'. He was all yellin' somethin' about a tornader. and jessie was yellin' for skeeter to lock up the chickens. next thing I know debris starts a flyin' this way. We all head for the storm shelter and skeeter nearly got his britches torn off by the wind. All 9 of us managed to get inside without no harm to us. I thank the good Lord for that."

Billy-Bob was very lucky, indeed. The tornado left 27 dead and 43 others injured with still 15 missing. The national guard has been called in to help those in need. The damage is estimated to be nearly $5,000. Clean up is already underway and businesses should be open again by early next week.

 

Heres one i just found-

Application To Live In Mississippi

NAME: ___________________________________ C.B. HANDLE: ____________________

ADDRESS: (R.F.D. - H.C.R.) _________________________________________________

DADDY (If unknown, attach list of 3 suspects): _____________________________

MAMA: ______________________________________________________________________

NECK SHADE: ( ) LIGHT RED ( ) MEDIUM RED ( ) DARK RED

NUMBER OF TEETH EXPOSED IN FULL GRIN: _______ UPPER: _______ LOWER: _______

MAKE OF PICKUP OWNED: _____________________ SIZE OF TIRES: ________________

NUMBER OF EMPTY BEER CANS ON FLOOR OF PICKUP: ______________________________

TRUCK EQUIPPED WITH:

( ) GUN RACK ( ) MUD FLAPS ( ) CAMPER TOP ( ) AIR HORN
( ) 8 TRACK ( ) 4 WHEEL DRIVE ( ) AMERICAN FLAG ( ) RUST
( ) FUZZ BUSTER ( ) LOAD OF WOOD ( ) HIJACK SHOCKS ( ) MUD TYRES
( ) SPITTOON ( ) RUNNING BOARDS ( ) C.B. ANTENNAS ( ) ROLL BAR

BUMPER STICKERS:

( ) HONK IF YOU'RE HORNY ( ) HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS
( ) ALMOST HEAVEN, BUCKSPORT ( ) SNATCH KISSES AND VICE VERSA
( ) OLD FART ( ) I LOVE HINEY WINE
( ) SHIT HAPPENS ( ) REDMAN CHEWING TOBACCO
( ) WOOD IS WONDERFUL ( ) SAVE THE BLACK FLY
( ) DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING? CALL 1-800-EAT-SHIT
( ) ALL YOU ECOLOGICAL BASTARDS CAN FREEZE IN THE DARK

FAVORITE BEVERAGE:

( ) BUSCH ( ) STAG ( ) OLD STYLE ( ) FALSTAFF
( ) BUCKHORN ( ) RED WHITE & BLUE ( ) BUDWEISER ( ) OLD MILWAUKEE

FAVORITE VOCALIST:

( ) ELVIS ( ) CONWAY TWITTY ( ) LORETTA LYNN
( ) SLIM WHITMAN ( ) JOHNNY CASH ( ) WILLIE NELSON
( ) DICK CURTIS ( ) GEORGE JONES ( ) YOURSELF IN THE SHOWER

FAVORITE RECREATION:

( ) SQUARE DANCING ( ) COON HUNTING ( ) FISHING WITH THE BOYS
( ) DRINKING ( ) BLUE GRASS FEST ( ) FISHING ALONE
( ) RACE TRACK ( ) FLOATING ( ) DEER HUNTING
( ) APPLE BUTTER FEST ( ) THREE WHEELING ( ) RODEO

HOW MANY CARS DO YOU HAVE UP ON BLOCKS IN YOUR FRONT YARD? _________________

HOW MANY KITCHEN APPLIANCES ARE ON YOUR FRONT PORCH? ____ HOW MANY WORK? __

NUMBER OF HOUNDS: _________ TYPE: ( ) BLUE TICK ( ) BEAGLE ( ) BLACK/TAN

MEMBERSHIPS:

( ) NRA ( ) VFW ( ) PTL CLUB ( ) DUCKS UNLIMITED
( ) FISH & GAME CLUB ( ) KKK ( ) WACKY WARRIORS ( ) ELKS

BASEBALL CAP EMBLEM:

( ) JOHN DEERE ( ) FORD ( ) SKOAL ( ) CAT
( ) BUDWEISER ( ) CHEVY ( ) BASS PRO ( ) EAT ME

ARE YOU MARRIED TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING? (Check all that apply)

( ) SISTER ( ) COUSIN ( ) COUSIN'S SISTER ( ) SOW

DOES YOUR WIFE WEIGH MORE THAN YOUR PICKUP? ( ) YES ( ) NO

DO YOU WEAR MOSTLY POLYESTER PANTS WITH SNAGS? ( ) YES ( ) NO

DO YOU OWN ANY SHOES (NOT COUNTING BOOTS)? IF SO, HOW MANY? ______________

LENGTH OF RIGHT LEG: _________________ LENGTH OF LEFT LEG: _________________

CAN YOU SIGN YOUR NAME AND SPELL IT CORRECTLY EVERY TIME? ( ) YES ( ) NO

HAVE YOU EVER HAD MORE THAN ONE BATH A WEEK? ( ) YES ( ) NO

ARE YOU A REGISTERED VOTER? ________ DO YOU KNOW WHERE TO DO IT? ________

DO YOU WONDER IF YOU NEED TO FILE A TAX RETURN? ( ) YES ( ) NO

DO YOU WORRY THAT YOUR HOUSE COULD BLOW AWAY IN HIGH WINDS? ( ) YES ( ) NO

WHEN WAS YOUR LAST UFO SIGHTING? ___________ ELVIS SIGHTING? ___________

MEDICAL INFORMATION (DO YOU HAVE AT LEAST TWO OF THE FOLLOWING?):

( ) B.O. ( ) CRABS ( ) HEAD LICE ( ) BAD BREATH
( ) SCABIES ( ) YELLOW TEETH ( ) GREEN TEETH ( ) FLEAS
( ) RUNNY NOSE ( ) TATTOOS ( ) CROSSED EYES ( ) STUTTER

SIGNATURE (ONE `X' WILL DO) ___________________________ DATED: ____________

 

These are great! They remind me of one I got in my email a few years ago.

It was a New Jersey Drivers license. Questions like, "how many gold chains are you wearing right now?", "what's your favorite style of music, Bon Jovi or Bruce Springsteen?" and the inevitable, "What exit?". But of course, people not from around here will have no idea what I'm talking about.

 

LOL
If I laugh much harder I will fall off the chair (this is 5 minuts after reading it). I wonder who comes up with this stuff. maybe I should send it to my Uncle in the south