Reflections and a possible Goodbye

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I don't often have much to say and have put off writing this for months but here goes.
I have had many good years taking care of my mother the last 13 years or so and living together has drawn us very close again late in our lives. She died last October 21st 2014. She had twice that I counted more than 20 people in her room even though we had been told that was way over the limit allowed. My crazy daughter stood in the doorway and said a few things I can't put in here and told security to try and remove anyone. Her man stood behind her (he is way over 6' and very solid) and they backed down and we were given permission by administration for as many as wanted to be there anytime. Thank God as even some great great grandchildren were seeing Mom for the last time and in some cases the first time.
I tried to have mom released to spend her last days at home as I had her oxygen compressor and tanks as well as family trained as a nurse. The doctor made noises for a week as I remember about how he could not release her in her condition and Mom kept asking my to take her home and I am positive she knew it was to die, she just wanted to die at home. At the end of that week the home care and outpatient people came in and asked if I wanted to move mom home and had a senior doctor sign her release and they checked to see if more equiptment was needed here at home deciding to supply a bed and a nurse to monitor her drip bag. They set everything up that night and Mom was going home the next morning. She died that night before we could get her home. I had to stop my daughter and one of my granddaughters from going out to find Dr Death who would not let their Gram go home, for the best because I wanted to see him too. Emotions take over blotting out logic or real thinking at times like that.
I could not drive home after things were taken care of at the hospital so my baby girl drove me home while Randall followed in their truck. When I got home I took my jacket to the bedroom and remember coming into the living room than nothing. Stroke.
Jean and Randall took care of me for weeks arranging the funeral, taking care of legal matters as well as bank accounts and paying bills for me and driving me back and forth to appointments and stores. I had to have my girl explain what people were telling me a lot of times and she had to sign a lot of documents as I could not, still having a hard time writing anything.

One of the bad shocks I had after Mom died was the fact of how much money was required for her share of the bills. I had never added it up. She paid the house payment, the electric and the insurance. I paid everything else with us both putting in for food. Now I am in a battle to lower the interest rate on the house payment as it is about $200 more than I get in a month! It looks as if that will happen and will be a drastic cut so I might be able to stay here in the family home. The possible goodbye will be because I see no way to keep internet or tv service. I have been storing gigabytes of movies and series without watching them, almost 6 of them so hundreds of movies. I also while I still had some money bought my Hopper and Joey to keep the hook ups and ability to play my shows.

My daughters oldest girl has come sometimes to visit. She shocked me one day saying "grandpa you are dying" and I realized what she meant. Mom was gone and I knew I had to be here so she could live at home. I am the last ( as far as I know ) of my generation except for perhaps one of my uncles daughters who might still be alive and am up here all alone except for moms darn old cat who I promised willingly I might add, to take care of. That girl got on line and found "her" a puppy that she brought to me as she and her husband were at the time looking for a house and could not keep him where they were. I told her I could keep him for her until March the first and no longer. Alright, I called her at the end of Feb and explained he was attached to me and HIS cat so she could not have him back. When I said I did not do that on deliberately she said "I did"! She brought to me the sweetest gentle puppy you could ask for.

Well..... I'm on my last cup of coffee. Can't buy more until the 10th so I guess I'll end here. I still have internet until the end of next month so I'll be back once in a while to a place and people worth checking on. Don't know how often, heart problems leave me weak more often than I like but I'm tough. I might go looking for a young lady around 40 or 50 or so.

Keep Well All!!!

 

Digging in deep and tough big guy