separation

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This is like a letter to a dead person. It's something I wrote that is never really intended for the subject to read. Just mental sorting and emotional cauterization.


Since you've been gone the laundry has been easy to keep up with. It wasn't as hard as you said it would be. I wash the dishes I sweep the floor I make the beds - sometimes I leave them unmade for part of the day. The dust gathers is some corners now that I don't have a drill sargent at my shoulder. Clutter accumulates is some places but I always take care of it when I find the time. Clutter is not very comfortable. But we are in a better place now. Without you.

You come up in conversation occasionally. El pájaro is smaller and remembers some of the nice things that you did. But you did not give him too many memories. He says you feel like a stranger now. What kind of father were you that such a loving boy can say he does not miss you? And you were supposed to be the one that loves your children more than anything. El chango is another matter entirely. He loved you more than me when when he was tiny. I was the father, working and supporting us and you were his mother. You took him places, dug him snow tunnels, made him toys, took him to see the trains he was so passionate about at that age. Gave him all the love that you couldn't give your daughter so far away. And then as el chango got older and you became disillusioned with your life you gathered all your pain and anger and need to control yourself and took it out on him. You broke his heart. You broke your sons heart.

Since you've been gone I have started living again. I am stronger physically. I no longer need sleep to fill my spaces. When I wake up I am awake. My art is not suffocated within, and neither are my words. The days are up and down sometimes so I have to be creative to deal with pain. At least my heart is intact. I stopped loving you some time ago. For all of your efforts you couldn't crush me because the harder you tried the harder I became.

Since I left you, my family has wrapped itself around my boys and me. They are strong and they are good. My brothers were the first ones I leaned on. All those years that you worked on casting away the people I care about I always knew that they would be waiting. I have never doubted the strength of my family. And now there are even more than I had before. Sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, cousins. All there. I don't need to talk to them every day but they are there for me and I am there for them. Why did you hate them so much? Didn't you know it was you who cast them out? That they would have all lovingly gathered you in their arms if you had ever tried to be a part of us? But I guess that couldn't work for you because then they would have seen your ugly secrets.

Since you have been out of our lives, tantrums and anger and simple mistakes are dealt with another way. A few times I have yelled to match the strength of el chango. His anger and frustration is hard to keep in control but I am learning. I will not hit him and I will not call him names. He needs to learn that you can not solve problems that way. El pájaro is usually happy. But when he gets angry he rages and cries and yells like a hurricane. I usually wait for the storm to calm and then sneak in dampen the rage with my love. I make mistakes with the kids sometime but I always try to find a way to fix them.

Since you've been gone I have heard nothing. I hope that is a good thing. I hope that you are finding a new life. I'm sorry that you will have to face your crimes but it was to only way for me to make sure that you can not take back your sons. They don't want you. You are not good for them. You were always telling me that I needed to accept my mistakes and become a better mother. I was always a better mother, the one who needs to accept his mistakes is you. Swallow your blame. Be a man and get help for your problems so more people don't get hurt down the road. But never expect that I will be here for you. Yo no te quiero a ti.

 

I like this.

 

This is heavy duty, and took guts to share publicly (even if you are mostly anonymous).

Les mando a ti, the monkey, and the bird fuerza, tranquilidad y mucho amor como familia.

Sometimes the hardest decisions are the best decisions in the long run. Sorry if I messed up the spanish, I'm better at speaking it than I am at writing it.

 

Thanks Marceror, well said. I'm better at speaking than writing spanish as well. It's my second language.

 

Same here.