So, two guys walk into a bar....

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Bar jokes are lame, but it is the lameness that make us laugh. i have been thinking of opening a bar jokke thread. However, bar jokes are very verbal. How can one write a bar joke and has the same effect as telling it.

So, should i post bar jokes here in written form or should this topic be closed and drop to the abyss of no return?

 

I think it depends. From my perspective, it's normally how they're told that makes jokes funny, rather than content, but if they're fairly simple than it could work o.k.

 

Why not use this thread for it ?

I'll start off...

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

 

So, a guy walks into a bar, he's carrying a big chunk of asphalt under his arm.

Barkeeper: What's your poison?
Man: That'll be a beer .... and a coffee for the road.

[inset canned laughter here]

 

a mushroom walks into a bar
bartender: sorry, we don't server vegetables
mushroom: but why not, i'm a 'fungi'

(It's just not the same writting it as to say it)

 

A man's sitting in a bar. He's had so much to drink he just throws up over himself.
All of a sudden he realises what time it is. He turns to his mate and says, "Oh crap, my wife is going to KILL me!. I'm drunk, I'm late, and I've got vomit all over me. She's going to be standing at te door with a baseball bat and she is going to take my knees off."
His mate says, "it's O.K, I've got a plan. When you get home tell her this story. You were working late and coming home past this pub. All of a sudden this drunk stumbles out and lands on you. He then throws up. Whilst pawing the vomit of your shirt he sticks £20 in your pocket to ge it cleaned. She'll go fot it."
So the man does that. He puts £20 in his shirt pocket and staggers home.
When he gets in the door, ther's his wife and sure enough, she has a baseball bat in hand. She'sabout to take his knees off when he lurches into his story. As it goes on she starts to buy it. At the end she fishes the money out of his pocket. As she counts it she says," Hon, I thought you said he gave you £20? I count £40???"


So he says, "Well, when the drunk puked on me he also crapped in my pants!"

 

Two guys walk into a bar. Ouch.

 

A drunk stumbles out of a pub and right into a street light. "Ow! he slurs, and then takes two steps back, and as he walks forward again he smacks his face against the same street light. "OW!" he says again, then takes two steps backwards and then lurches forward and walks into the same street light. "Ow!! Dammit, I'm surrounded!"

 

@Oaz - That is one of my favorites!

Anyways - here's my contribution.


So, this panda bear walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer and a green salad. After finishing the salad, the panda bear stands up, pulls out a shotgun, blows a hole in the ceiling, turns around, and starts to walk out.

The bartender, having just had a hole blown in his ceiling, gets (as is to be expected) angry, and shouts at the panda: "Hey! Who in the HELL do you think you are?!?"

The panda turns around, looks at the bartender flatly, and says: "I'm a panda, look it up!"

So the bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out his rusty, trusty Webster's dictionary (because all bartenders, as we know, keep a dictionary underneath the bar) and looks up "panda."

This is what he reads: "Panda, n. a large, bearlike animal of Tibet and southern China. Black and white fur, with black rings around each eye. Eats shoots and leaves."

 

Due to increasing products liability, alcoholic beverages manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning label be placed immediately on all bottles:

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w@nker.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

 

A horse walks into a bar and goes up to some guy. "I bet you $500 that I can get to the mall and back within 2 minutes" The guy thinks to himself, "Gee, the mall is pretty far away, this is easy money." So, they make the bet, and sure enough about a minute and a half later, the horse comes back with some shopping bags from the mall. "Holy crap!" the guy thinks, "Not only did he have time to get there and back, but he also did some shopping!" So he hands the horse the well deserved $500.

The horse then goes up to the next guy, and says to him "I bet you $10500 that I can get to the pier and back within 2 minutes" The guy thinks to himself, "Sure, that horse is fast, but the pier is even farther away than the mall!" They make the deal, and about one minute and forty five seconds later, the horse is back, with some fresh fish. "Holy crap!" the guy thinks, "Not only did he have time to get there and back, but he also went fishing, and caught some!" So he hands the horse the well deserved $1000.

The horse goes up to the last guy at the bar and says "I bet you $2000 that I can get to the city hall and back within 2 minutes" The guy looks at him for a few seconds and says "Holy crap, a talking horse!"

 

So the guy stares at this white horse with its pure white mane for a while and then he says,

'Do you know that this bar is named after you?'

And the white horse stares back at him and says,

'What, Eric?'

 

Ugh, I'll return here later when it's about 12 p.m. and I'm returning from the pub.

 

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat near the bartender. "I bet you $5 I can lick my left eye," says the man to the bartender. The bartender accepts the bet, since it sounds impossible. So the man pops his glass eye out of his left eye socket and licks it with his tongue. The barkeeper reluctantly hands over the money.

Next day, the same guy goes to the bar and tells the same bartender, "I bet you $10 I can bite my right eye." The bartender, slightly more cautious, thinks to himself "well, he can't possibly have two glass eyes," so he agrees. So the man reaches into his mouth, pulls out his dentures and clamps them firmly over his right eye. The barkeeper pays up again.

Day after that, the same guy comes along again and makes another bet. "I bet you $50 I can pee into a glass, while drunk, and not miss a drop." The bartender eyes him suspiciously before agreeing to the bet. He places a glass on the counter and pours the man a drink to get him drunk. After finishing the drink, the man pulls down his pants and starts pissing. It goes everywhere - all over the bartender, the counter and his bar. Not a single drop landed in the glass and all the while, the bartender laughed and clapped his hands gleefully for winning the bet. The bartender then takes the money from the man, but not before inquiring, "So why did you do it?"

The man replies, "I bet that fellow over there $500 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you'd do nothing but laugh happily!"

 

Blog, that one, or at least the last part, is in Desperados, but otherwise, I haven't actually heard a single one of these before. It is really irregular for us Swedes, or here in my hometown at least, to pull bar-jokes as they are funnier in English.

 

A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a cheese sandwich. The bartender is surprised to say the least, and asks the duck where he came from. The duck patiently explains that he’s just started a new job on the building site across the road.

The days go by and the duck pops into the pub every day at lunchtime for a beer and a sandwich.

Then one day a circus comes to town, and a guy pops in to ask if he can put up a poster in the pub. The landlord agrees, and also enquires if the circus might be interested in a talking duck to add to it’s repertoire of animals. They guy says sure, bring it down to see the circus director.

The following lunchtime when the duck pops in as usual, the landlord asks him if he might be interested in a new job.

Duck: Perhaps, where?
Landlord: At the circus that came into to town yesterday.
Duck: At the circus?
Landlord: Yes.
Duck: You mean the big tent stuff?
Landlord: Yes.
Duck: All made of canvas?
Landlord: Yes
Duck: What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?

 

A man walks into a bar for a drink. When talking to the barman he hears about this barmans stone faced horse. He looks about and sees on the bar a box with a sign. It says, " A pound a go. Win all the money in the box if you can make the horse laugh." The man thinks about this a second, then puts a pound in the box.

He goes behind the curtain in the pub, and soon enough people hear the horse laughing really hard. The man comes out, takes all the money, finishes his drink and leaves.

A week later the man comes in again. He sees a new sign on the bar. It says, "A pound a go. win all the money in the box if you can make the horse stop laughing." The man thinks about this, then puts a pound in the box.

He goes behind the curtain, and soon enough, the horse stops laughing and starts crying. The man comes out, takes all the money in the box, and goes up to the barman.
After ordering a drink the barman asks him how the hell he did it. He'd known the horse for years and it had never found anything funny.


The man replies," First time I told him my knob was bigger than his. Second time I showed him."

 

Two men walks into a bar, a bar that is on top of the Empire State Building, and starts to drink. After a while, when both of them is REALLY drunk, one of them says:
"50 bucks that I can jump out of the window, touch the ground, and then enter through the window alive and in one piece."

The other one replied, hoping for easy cash:
"I'm on, lets jump."

The first man jumped out, flew down, touched the ground, and entered through the same window. The other said, stunned by the happenings:
"100 bucks that I can do the same?"

"Sure"

The other man jumped down and was killed as soon as her touched the ground. The remaining man walked back to the bar and the bartender said:
"You sure are evil when you are drunk, Superman."

 

A man stumbles out of a bar in an obviously inebriated state. He looks up and down the road, searching for his car. After a few minutes, he gives up and goes to the police station. He stumbles in and says to the first policeman he sees: Ocifer, I'm here to report that my car has been stolen.

The officer immediately realizes the man is drunk and tries to quickly solve the problem. He says: Where was the last time you saw your car?

The drunk digs in his pocket for a while a produces a set of keys. After fumbling with them for a while he holds them up and says: Right at the end of this key!

It is at this point that the officer notices that the drunk's pants are unzipped and he is exposing himself. He says to the drunk: Do you realize you're exposing yourself?

The drunk has a bewildered expression on his face and looks around, and finally glances down to realize what the officer is talking about. He exclaims: And those bastards took my girlfriend too!

 

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. Suddenly, he starts a conversation with his hand. The barman asks him what the hell he's doing and tells him he doesn't need another nutjob in his bar. The man answers that he's actually talking on the phone: he's a secret agent and the cell phone has been surgically inserted into his hand as a precaution. The barman shakes his head in disbelief as the secret agent goes back to his phone conversation.

A few beers later, the barman hears a strange buzzing sound. The secret agent tells him not to worry, that it's only the modem inserted into his brain that's downloading his next mission orders. The astounded barman pours the man another drink.

Once the "dialing" sound stops, the man heads to the washroom. About fifteen minutes later, the man hasn't come back and the barman starts to worry. He opens the washroom door to check on the secret agent and finds him standing in a corner, pants around his ankles, with toilet paper sticking out of his ass.

Barman: "What is going on here?"
Agent: "Hey! Can't a guy send a fax in peace?"