Splitting because it goes too well?

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I guess this is going to be even stranger than the Controversial Question.

Here's the quote (it's from a bash.org quote that I can't really link here):

It struck me that it had already come to my attention that people act that way. Personally, I've only had it once and it was a couple of years ago, perhaps it doesn't happen often in general, but I've been coming across tales like that.

My explanation of the problem can be contained in one word: thoughtlessness, and I'm probably right on this one. If someone, out of fear of getting hurt, leaves a partner with whom it goes well, logic dictates said person won't settle with anyone with whom it goes equally well or better. Therefore, the person wants someone with whom it will go worse. As a matter of crude simplification, we could say the person seeks a worse partner.

What next: is the person actually going to spend the rest of his or her life with that worse partner? I'm quite sure this kind of thinking is not characteristic of a sane mind, so the diagnosis is brutal: subject doesn't think. This would cover the vast majority of cases. However, it's quite a crude simplification, as I've already mentioned. The other possibility is issues. However, I can't really think of anything. Low self esteem doesn't make it. Victim mentality either. Perhaps the so called Martyr Complex? Staying if it goes bad (vide Controversial Question) and leaving if it goes too well. To me it still looks that the person simply refuses to think. Or won't bother. This may suggests identification problems. Perhaps problems with accepting reality. However, I can't help thinking it ultimately comes down to laziness.

What's your opinion?

 

You can't genralise it like that Chev. There are a few cases where splitting up because the relationship is too strong is a good idea (by a few cases I mean only one I can think of).

Take for example a person (call this person 'A' for now) who is starting to fall madly in love with another (person 'B') who seems too perfect to be true. 'A' wants to spend every waking moment with 'B'. The problem is that 'A' is at university and has a bright career future and...

No... wait that doesn't work. 'B' could just tell 'A' to not see them as often and to concentrate on 'A's education.

I apologise Chev, it is a stupid concept. Matter of fact it happened to me a year ago, almost the exact same thing. She was "getting too attached and didn't want to hurt herself". I don't see how she could have been hurt, I had no intention of breaking up with her. First time I convinced her out of it... and the second time... third time it came up I simply said "Screw it then" and gave up. Irony was that she wanted me back a month later, said she was sad and missed me, problem was I just started a relationship with someone else... Her fault, not mine.

 

I broke up with a guy I was totally head over heels with...he probably never understood why but his downward spiraling lifestyle was taking me with him.

 

This is an excellent point. You could be in love with someone, and yet realize you could be hurt if you stay with them. So much for the "love conquering all" concept, but really sometimes it could be a wise choice. Simply saying people don't think doesn't work. It certainly appears that DHB thought this through and made a very sound decision.

 

Of course. But she didn't split with him because it was going too well. She left him because his downward spiraling lifestyle was taking her with him.

We're not discussing splitting in spite of it going well, but because of it.

 

The excuse can be loosely translated into this:

"You're boring, but I like you and don't want to burn you too badly."

Hairy's excuse was good too, but I think more often than not its an easy let down.

 

People get more and more scared of letting other people inside their own life. It is because of our lifestyle and the way it is pushing us more and more to win always and cut down the losses? Is it the fear of the unknown to a totally known and predictable life? There can be found many theories about this phenomenon but one thing is true. People in this era really try to find the safest way around everything and surely their love life could not escape this rule. You stay or even get married with someone you don't really care so as not to be bothered by any foul play he/she plays.
Fear to take your chances fear to love fear to live our modern code.

 

When you are on the top of the world, you can only go down, maybe that is why she breaks up before they get too high, the higher you are standing, the longer the fall.

 

@Morgoth: It is only logical, but that logic brings you down. If you pursue it, you will always be down. Either fa

@Mithrantir: I would understand if that were a reason for abstaining from relationships altogether. Or sticking to flings and casual sex. However, persons who split like that return to the pool and resume their quest for something beautiful and romantic. However, what will they do when they find it? Get over it and begin the search anew? Or perhaps, as you said, end up with someone practically meaningless to them.

However, it's illogical no matter how I look at it.

 

Sometimes "going too well" means "you are a push-over". Take my current girlfriend for example. We never argue...our opinions always coincide...and she likes the same things I like. However, I think the truth of the matter is that she just wants us to get along rather than have disagreements. Well guess what...I'm bored with Ms. Agreeable. She's perfect for me otherwise. I miss having a woman throw tom"ah"toes at me.

 

That's a valid concern... though I still think it isn't really going well. I mean, it looks as if it were, but it isn't in fact. And still, you have some normal, sane reason - too much of agreeing instead of having an opinion. But there are people who actually frame it like "it was going too well".

 

I don't believe that not thinking can be a valid theory. People do think about things, and at exhaustive length as well. They also have a tendency to oversimplify complicated things when explaining to other people. Therefore "it was going too well" could be the oversimplified logic, or the overcomplicated one. If people get comfortable with something they might get uncomfortable, because being comfortable is uncomfortable to them. In that case they know all too well that the real reason behind their wanting out is "it is going too well." In such a case they need a reason to justify what they are doing.

 

When things go well and you feel comfortable with someone, there is a moment when you realise that you are no longer simply "going out" with somebody, but that you are part of somebody's life, and that person is part of their life.

It may take years to some; others take those considerations way earlier. I know people who, after going out with someone for barely a month, start thinking whether that person is "the perfect match". Some become horrified with the idea of getting stuck with that person for years to come, even though it could actually be the perfect match.

Some people discover that they are afraid of being with the same person for long because that would mean a commitment, and that would imply certain responsibilities that they cannot or do not want to take. Why? I do not know. For some it might mean the end of their freedom as they know it; for others, the beginning of a lifestyle they may not feel ready for...

 

And here comes the not thinking issue.

First, that position (splitting because it goes too well) is only consistent if:

A) the person is decided to avoid too good matches for the sake of avoiding commitment, or:

B) the person doesn't want a good match resulting in committed relationship within a given period of time.

In case B, the consistency may be questionned as it's quite obvious the person is actually going to seek a good match at some point and will need to seek another perfect much, instead of keeping the perfect match that he or she has now and can keep. The closer the match is to perfect, the lower the chance of finding an equally good or better one. Logic dictates that to hold on to that match is reasonable in given circumstances.

However, it's not so simple as it looks. Persons described by case A continue their search for a partner, often different from a simple fling. Now logically:

A) The person will look for perfect partners only to discard them, or:

B) The person actually wants a crappy relationship

While perfectly feasible, hardly reasonable. Another possibility is:

The person isn't consistent. He or she doesn't really have a plan, nor think about the future. The person may still think much about the present, but in separation from the bigger context, thus making it totally unproductive and logically crippled.

 

I think you are mixing thinking with feeling, Chevalier.

In this case, a person afraid of commitment knows that he/she wants or needs to be with someone. That person is thinking of the future, of the need to be with someone. But when the relationship gets too serious, fear, a feeling, overcomes judgement. It is like if you are afraid of insects, for instance. The tiniest of ants will have you trembling if it gets too close, even when you should know that they can't harm you. Fear addles people's wits when it strikes, and there are all kind of fears.

Consistency of thought is an interesting thing. As a matter of fact, the more you think of something, the more likely you are to change your mind, because you start exploring other possibilities. For instance, the worst thing that may happen to an athlete is to concentrate too much in winning a competition. The more the athlete thinks on "I am going to win this", the more possibilities that the thought "and if I don't win?" will show up. And negative thoughts are the more difficult to get rid of, stupid as they may be.

 

Actually, I'm myself speaking about mixing thinking with feeling, whereby a person gets fixated so much on current feelings and emotions that he doesn't really distinguish it from reason. Thereby, reason is replaced by emotions in the thinking process, inevitably flawing the logic.

 

I myself am currently finding it hard to balance feeling with reason. My girlfriend and I are in the process of breaking up right now, I guess. I'm moving away to go back to school, and she's staying behind. I hate it here, but she loves it and can't see herself living anywhere else. So we're left with a paradox. Either I make her leave here, and the Dance school that she loves and plans on owning in the next few years, or I stay here, where I'm not happy, and end up resenting her for it. She's also a bit of a martyr, willing to suffer so that others are happy. In this case, she's insisting that she doesn't want to hold me back.

So, most right thinking people would say "Break up! it's for the best!" But you see, it's not that simple. If I stay, and don't go to Chicago (and attend a lesser, local school), I'll and up resenting her for holding me back (even though it's my decision). But if I leave her behind, it will taint my experience and I'll resent both Chicago AND her for it.

So my brain (reason) says it's for the best, I should be relieved, I'm only 24, new city, new experience, other fish in the sea, blah blah blah. But my heart (emotion) says "What the f*ck are you THINKING?!?" Unfortunetly my heart is much stronger than my brain, and at the moment, brain is getting his ass kicked.

What makes this so damned hard is that we love each other so much. We love being together, have fun, we've had exactly 3 fights in 2 years. I look at her and I see kids, grandkids, growing old together. I'm scared to death that if I leave her I'll never find anyone better.

So as you can see, I'm royally screwed - and don't know what to do. My heart is ripping as I write this..

 

You could try a long distance relationship until you are through with school. The chances of it working out are slim but they are there and if you pull through that nothing can break you up.

 

You will first of all resent yourself if you leave her now. At the present moment, you may feel it's reasonable and think it's all right for you to do - though I doubt you really do. However, later and later in time you might start hating yourself for that.

As a rule, I block flirts from evolving into long distance romance. It's a hell where I don't want to go. However, that's not the case if love is involved. I wouldn't leave her.

 

The closest thing I've ever heard to this phenomenon was about some guy in Japan (IIRC) who's life was going so well hje commited suicide in order to not have to face it when things went pear-shaped.

But I can actually relate to having the idea of leaving someone because the relationship is going too well, I've really only had relationships of any length that have ended up quite destructive emotionally and mentally and feel that if I did end up in a relationship that was going very well and we were able to work well through any problems that surfaced, I would take a step back, look at the relationship and think "Hey, what am I doing here? I don't deserve something this good."