Straightedge v3.0, the final farewell

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My previous attempts at reverting to my straightedge nature have been tainted with failure... I have never made a secret of that. Those attempts were doomed to fail because I lacked one critical piece of the puzzle: MOTIVATION.

Earlier this week, MJ SCREWED a moment I had LONG BEEN WAITING FOR. Not only did it PISSED me off, it also TAPPED in both my PRIDE and EGO... everybody who knows me well KNOWS that EGO is something I have APLENTY. Having the said moment screwed -- I am NOT going to go in details, as it concerns ONLY myself -- I got F'ING PISSED. So F'ING pissed that I haven't smoked since Wednesday morning (currently Thursday afternoon). When I took my last toke, the memory of everything MJ screwed/destroyed in my life came back flooding. I got F'ING pissed, and threw the apparatus away... which got smashed on impact.

I am currently negotiating with the side-effects of withdrawal -- a F'ED up sleep cycle (28 hours in two days!), IRRITABILITY, loss of appetite, COLD SWEAT, LETHARGY... This time, however, it is PERSONAL, and in a battle between my DAMAGED EGO and PHYSICAL WITHDRAWAL... bet on my GIGANTIC EGO. I know I could wash away the withdrawal in a matter of seconds... but my HURT EGO has lit a fire under my ass SO BAD I would rather bash my head in a concrete wall and bleed to death than once again be a SLAVE TO MJ. I am a stubborn bastard, and the hurt ego only adds even MORE to my STUBBORNNESS. It's like the unstoppable destructive force colliding with the immovable object... that object being a PISSED OFF, DRIVEN, and MOTIVATED LIKE NEVER BEFORE DotW.

With that out of the way... I don't know just how many have bothered to read the last entry prior to this one... but no doubt my lack of posting activity has been noticeable. I am waiting for my woman of Darkest Desires to make her posting return, then the 5+ years journey on SP will be definitively over.

Those years have been a bittersweet experience. I have witnessed a change of guard in spamming... I have witnessed kuemp's departure, DarkStrider's vanishing, Dragonfly's disappearance, amongst others. There were some good moments, but there were also some notoriously bad ones, too. Like when I pulled off the mask and stopped being Mr. Nice Guy. Dispute my wickedness as much as you want, I *know* who I am, I know *what* I am, and it's good enough for me. But I digress. Those reasons were explained in my other entry. To those people on here I have esteem and/or respect for, I shall see you on MSN/Y!, perhaps... just ask for my contact info. As for the anonymous complainers... you are nothing but a bunch of yellow-bellied COWARDS, and you deserve everything coming your way.

 

While PRIDE and EGO might be powerful forces... I think that quitting COLD TURKEY was an incredibly bad idea. I have spent the day with moods swinging between complete apathy and sheer red rage... I got so F'ING pissed off just a couple of hours ago I had to destroy something... my poor bedroom door now sports a couple (more) holes, courtesy of my fists and head. The stomach pain (no s---, this is an effect of withdrawal) is unbearable beyond words, and my appetite is ZERO... I had to FORCE myself to eat... and it didn't stay down.

Time to return to the drawing board... and time to whip out the same approach that allowed me to ditch energy drinks -- slow withdrawal. Breaking a daily habit that is 2+ years old is HORRIBLY HARD. I'm going to limit my consumption to two doses per day for the next week or two, then I'm going to space them more and more and more until it's phased out. I was able to ditch tobacco AND energy drinks by slowly phasing them out... and my MJ addiction is too well-rooted for an abrupt stoppage.

*DAY 2* Got through the day with two puffs. Withdrawal is MUCH more bearable.

*DAY 3* Again, two puffs. A couple more days at this pace and I will cut it down to one puff. Lethargy was more present today... moods were swinging, but for the most part remained under control... for a work day, that is.

*DAY 4* Still two per day, doing fine. I can feel my system struggling to get the black phlegm out... it's rooted so deep that it's almost like I'm about to throw up.

*DAY 5, 6 & 7* Went up to three tokes per day exceptionally... still keeping my consumption to the strict minimum. I think it's going to stay this way, at least a little longer. Withdrawal side-effects are minimal.

*DAY 8, 9 & 10* Still steady at 2/day, though I did went up to 3/day once. Tobacco withdrawal being a nonfactor, withdrawal is nearly absent. Day 14 was set as the day where I will crank it down at 1/day. We'll see how this works, but so far so good, so I think it's definitively doable.

*DAY 10 UNTIL NOW* I had a MAJOR slip last week, and I burned through nine-ish grams in two days. I'm not proud of that, but after the bad part that happened last week, I buried myself in smoke, literally. I have since returned to my old habits of two per day, and as a matter of fact, I COMPLETELY skipped toking yesterday. I expected withdrawal to be back with a vengeance because of my... slip, but that's not the case, rather surprisingly.