Stupid Things To Say To Your Significant Other

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Something you've said, you've heard others say. Or something you would never say but just want to help the rest of us out.
-My ex-girlfriend is coming over for dinner tomorrow night while you're working late
-I decided to leave the toilet seat up for your conveniance
-I'm just going to lay here, you do all the work

 

'You're beautiful!'
'Yes but, what else?'
'What else ... is there?'

- From The Swan Princess

 

Real life scene: my friend going out with this vegetarian girl, he was a bit tipsy after a couple of pints. Hungry too, so they went to a take away and he offered to buy her a burger.

She: "I am sorry, but I am a vegetarian and I think that eating meat is wrong."
Friend: "But you cannot help the cow by not eating the meat... it's already dead!"

 

Guy: Honey, get me a beer!
SO: Here is your beer. What game are you watching?
Guy: Duh...its the Jets game.
SO: Who is winning.
Guy: Umm...what did you say?
SO: Nevermind, have fun. I'm going next door to Mary's.
Guy: Please, I'm watching the game.
SO: We are out of beer. Thought I would just run out and rob the quickie mart. Do you need chips?
Guy: Whatever sweetie...have fun.

 

this always does it:

there's been a change in plans hon...


never fails to piss her off

 

A stupid thing to say is to say how much you care. If you do that, you're dead and buried.

 

I've a bad habit of offering a truthful opinion to anyone and everyone. If I think someone is being a prick, I tell them. If I think something makes a girl look like a tramp (and they are my friend) I'll tell them. If someone does something to piss me off, I tell them. So, as you can guess my honest and expressive behavior usually leads to red cheeks.

"Just because I love you doesn't mean I'm always going to take your side." (Run for the hills guys and don't look back).

"No. That doesn't make you look like a harlot. Harlots have class. That just makes you look like a whore." (Wasn't a nice thing to say but it had to be said... felt good too.)

"Who was I hugging? Oh, that's 'Nika - my ex. I'd just spent the day with her." (Nothing happened so I didn't think this sounded very dodgy till about half a second after.)

 

"I think that you have gained weight baby"

And all hell breaks loose...

 

Any answer to the following question:

"Do you think this/these dress/skirt/blouse/pants/socks/earings/etc. make me look fat?"

Edit: I see BOC posted something similar while I was typing.

 

while i'm of the same disposition as you've described yourself, in this instance i would generally just say something like "no, dont wear that" haha

oh, another thing that you say (although USUALLY truthful) that will always piss them off is:

"no. you're wrong."

tell the boys to get the beer out, its time for a boys' night out and time to contemplate how something that was created out of your rib can so thoroughly kick your ass hehe

 

Women are the same everywhere Splunge.

I've just remembered something that a friend of mine has said:

She: Honey our anniversary is tommorow, we have been together for 3 years. Where are we going to celebrate it?
He: Really? Ahem.. you know I have arranged to go to watch a football game tomorrow.

And then he had to run for his life.

 

And why is the answer always come out like "You remind me distinctly of a hippopotmus."

 

quote:

"Do you think this/these dress/skirt/blouse/pants/socks/earings/etc. make me look fat?"

"Sure, blame it on the outfit."

 

I once told my wife (back when we were dating) that she had the cutest chipmunk cheeks. That one was used to beat me in public for years after!

I'm also learning not to say, "What did you do today?" My wife is a stay at home mom, so when I come home and ask that, her assumption is that I *must* be implying that she hasn't done anything all day. So instead of answering, "Me and the baby colored and took a walk" I get, "You don't know what its like to have a pile of laundry, a sink of dishes and a baby that hangs on you all the time."

At that point nothing I say will help, so I immediately start doing the chores she thinks I think she was supposed to do all day.

 

I hear you Math. My wife is a teacher and is home all summer with the kids. Try something like "The place looks great, how was your day?" instead. That way she can tell you all about what the kid(s) did and forget about the chores, unless she really wants to talk about how much work she's done.

 

I hate the anniversary frenzy and I never hesitate to lecture people on that. Brrr... awful. Oh please, celebrating wedding anniversaries is a nice custom if someone cares, but please, please, please, no damned anniversaries of first kissing/hugging/holding hands/sex or whatever. It's so brainless it frightens me. I wield Ockham's Razor and I can and will use it!

@Abomination: Yeah, honest answers... What about honest answers to questions like "why are you upset with me?"? "Because you flirt with every guy that crosses your way"...

 

I pissed of my ex by saying:

"If you want to F*ck that arrogant bastard that destroyed our relationship, just do it!"

She replied with:
"Yes I will!"

and the conversation was over...

 

That reminds me of:

"**** you!"
"Whomever you want, darling"

 

Things you never say to your significant other...

When asked "do these jeans make me look fat?" answering "No...but your ass does."

 

Autch; I bet you had one or two things to explain two seconds After the Nuke.

Not to my "significant other", but to a friend:

"--Great, then you just need to get a suit as wide as it is tall."

She happened to be a bit round, so it was only natural for my twisted little humour to make a joke of that, but it was far worse because I didn't even realize I was making one. Then people ask why I'm trying to guard my tongue.