Tech calls

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Okay, I work at the college computer help desk. I'm going to relate any funny calls I get to you guys with this thread. I'll revive it if I get anything new.

Funny call for today:

Me - "Hello, Information Technology Help Desk."
Them - "Um yeah, this is <name>. I can't get any e-mail."
Me - "Have you changed your password recently? We changed to a new e-mail service, and changing your password will activate your new account."
Them - "Yeah, I did all that. I try to go to the new e-mail site and it gives me a 'Page Cannot be Displayed' error. I can't go to the college homepage either!"
Me - *Uh-Oh* "Can you go to any other website? Like eBay?"
Them - "Let me try... ... ... ... Nope. Same error."
Me- *Oh-Geez* "Look at the back of your computer. Is there a cord going from it to the wall socket with a little picture of a computer on it? That would be the network plug."
Them - "Hang on. ... ... ... ... Nope."
Me - "Have you ever owned a computer before?"
Them - "Oh yeah! Everyone called me a computer genius back in High School."
Me - "Uh-huh. Look...genius...you need to have an ethernet cable in order to get hooked up to the internet."
Them - "I do?"
Me - "Yeah. It's something new we're trying. You know, using wires to get people hooked up."
Them - "When did that start?"
Me - "Oh! It's new this year! It's great stuff!"
Them - "Can I get this cable at Wal-Mart?"
Me - "Yeah, just ask for an ethernet cable. You do have an ethernet card, correct?"
Them - "Is that like a phone card?"
Me - "... ... ... Um, YEAH! But this works differently, you *hushes voice* put it inside your computer!"
Them - "Really?"
Me - "Yeah, just bring your computer, and the ethernet card - You have to buy that too - here to the helpdesk, and we'll install it for you."
Them - "Okay, as soon as I can buy them, I'll get it to you."
Me - "Okay, great, by now!"
*click*

 

ROTFLMAO
A "computer genius" LOL .

Good one Sapiryl.

 

lol

Asked to me by my uncle

U- My son wants to send his friend a game
M- oh, and??
U- by e-mail
M- okaaay!, what game?
U- Midtown Madness
M- ?? How big?
U- 400 mB, eh stupid question maybe but is that possible?
M- Sure!! If you dont mind waiting 3+ hours for sending. But I dont think your cableguy will be happy with you sending 400mB email, it makes the network go slow, you know
U- Oh, ok

LOL!!

[ September 16, 2002, 16:29: Message edited by: Morgoth ]

 

From my sister, whose computer is 3 years old: My computer is running soooo much slower now than when I got it. And I constantly get errors when I run stuff. Can you figure out what's wrong?
Me: Have you installed a lot of stuff lately?
Her: No, just a little bit here and there.
Me: Oh. Maybe you should clean up your computer. You know, defrag the HD and uninstall some of the stuff you don't need.
Her: Dee Frag? Whut the hells that? I didn't know you had to uninstall stuff. Why do you need to do that?

So I go look and here desktop has so many items on it that you have to scroll the screen to see all of them. The taskbar (which as you know contains things that are in memory) takes up the entire lower portion of the screen.

Me: Do you have your restore cd?
Her: Yeah I think so.
Me: Good, I am going to erase everything on here and reformat your computer.
Her: Is that bad?

 

Them: "My computer won't start"
Me: "Is it plugged in?"
Them: <long pause> "Yeah. It still won't start?"
Me: "Did you turn it on?"
Them: "How do I do that?"
Me: "See the little button on the beige box? Push it"
Them: "Done, but all I get is a screen that says Windows."
Me: "Have you ever used a computer before? Sit down and wait for it to load up."
Them: "Then what do I do?"
Me: "Uh...load up Word and do your homework."
Them: "How do I turn it off?"
Me: "Go down to the start button and click shut down, then click okay on the screen that pops up. Call again if you need more help."

They called again 5 minutes later because somebody tripped over the cord and it got pulled out of the wall.

[ September 16, 2002, 22:15: Message edited by: Rastor ]

 

I pity those people who have to work in the EE "network help" centers.

You all, seriously, need to be authorized to drink during working hours. My god, it takes a level of patience that humans just normally aren't born with.

It's tough not to have a bad attitude in there...

 

Here's a funny conversation between me and a teacher at my old high school. This conversation took place the Monday after a bunch of netwoking students and I replaced several teacher's motherboards with a peice of cardboard with a picture of a motherboard glued to it. I actually liked this teacher, so I didn't give *that* hard of a time.

Teacher: "Are you one of Clark's networking students?"
Me: "Yes. What's the problem?"
T: "My computer is'nt working."
M: "Well, have you tried anything to fix it?"
T: "Ummm...I checked the power cord, but that's it."
M: "Hmmm, let me have a look at it."

I proceed to remove the sides of the case. After I push back my smile, I click my flashlight on to make it look like I'm doing something.

ME: "Well, there's your problem."
Teacher: "What? Is it fixable?"
M: "Well, somehow your motherboard has been replaced with this..."

I pull out the fake motherboard and let her examine it.

T: "That's odd, how did that happen?
M: "I don't know, but if the administration finds out that this happend you might have to buy the school district a new computer.
T: "How much would that cost?
M: "Well, you would have to get one that has a devise that connects the computer to the school's network; as well as a special AGP card that connects the computer to the school's T1 connection if you want to use the internet; and since your monitor is pretty old, you'll probably need a new one since all the newer computers don't support that kind of monitor. I'm guessing that it would cost around $5,500 for a really cheap and crappy machine.
T: "You can't be serious!"
M: "Saddly I am serious, computers have risen in prices in the last two years. Hmmm...I'll tell you what I can do. I will see if any of the older computers in the netwoking room have a motherboard that will work in your machine.
T: "Oh, ok. Thank you.

I leave and bring back her old motherboard 5 minutes later. She is very releived that it worked, so much that she gave me $10 for what I did for her.

M: "Now, don't let this happen again; I graduate this year, so I can't help you any more.
T: "Oh, I won't. Thank you again."

I leave her classroom laughing my ass off.

The best part is that I recorded it on a digital recorder, so whenever I need a good laugh I just press play.

 

Thats just plain mean, I have heard some rather outrageous stories, like people not connecting to the internet, struggling for a while, then discovering that their modem was actually a Network card. Then there's the story of the guy who could get no display from his pc and brought it into our technical workshop three times, realising only after being shown, that the monitor's data cable had to be plugged in.

Btw I now work in a technical call center for an Internet service provider and worked previously worked as a PC technician

 

OH HAVE I GOT A WINNER TODAY!!!

Got a call from a dorm room where a student was practically begging for someone to come and save her from his meddling parents. Her father did not quite grasp the concept of the ethernet cord. The daughter was about to explode, he tried to plug her ethernet wire in so she could get internet access, and screwed up royaly. He mashed a USB cable into the ethernet port. I have yet to figure out what kind of special intelligence it takes to mess something up that badly.

Right up there with the girl who plugged one end of a telephone wire into her modem, and the other end into her ethernet card.

[ September 17, 2002, 16:20: Message edited by: Sapiryl ]

 

While some of these have been amusing, just remember what comes around, goes around. Some day, YOU may be the brunt of a mean prank or fall to a scam artist, or get taken by a plumber, mechanic, etc. Just because someone isn't as computer literate as you, does not make them stupid! And no, I never did anything as described in previous posts above either!!

 

[WARNING LOOOONG POST]

I posted these in one of the random babbling posts (about 4 or 5 ago so i think there worth a rehaul as many people won't have seen them). These are tech logs and tech log related stuff.

Firstly 'classic' one liner's -

Customer: "I have a cursing flasher."
Customer: "It says one copy filed."
Customer: "I'm in the CONSYS.FIG file."
Customer: "I can't find the sloppy disk!"
Customer: "I have Microword Soft."
Customer: "Microwave Windows?"
Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?"
Customer: "I'm having trouble with Internet Exposer."
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter."
Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator."
Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator."
Customer: "Uhh...I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure."
Customer: "I use Outlook Explorer."
Customer: "I'm going to install Windows 75 as soon as you guys send it to me."
Customer: "Yeah, my Internet Explorer can only save pictures as bumpy files." - (He was saving them as .bmp files.)
Customer: "...and then when I push the smash button it does..."
Customer: "I'm having trouble inserting my ethernet card into my hard drive."
Customer: "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help."
(Referring to Microsoft Defrag.)
Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard drive."
Customer: "Is a Pentagram better than a 486?"
Customer: "I don't use DOS. What would happen if I deleted that directory?"

Customer: "Do I have to plug in this power supply to make it work?"
Customer: "Memory? Is that the RAM stuff?"
Customer: "...I just had 60 more of them RAMs installed..."
Customer: "My computer has 6 gigs of memory."
Customer: "I have the monitor apart, I just can't figure out where to install the video card."
Customer: "Does this monitor come with the latest version of the Internet?"
Customer: "Is that dot as in comma?"
Customer: "I don't have a space bar."
Customer: "How many keys are on the 124-key keyboard?"
Customer: "Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"
Customer: "Upper or lower caps?"
Customer: "Lower case? What's that?"
Customer: "Is that the letter zero or the number zero?"
Customer: "How do you type an uppercase zero?"
Customer: "Do you want a forward backslash?"
Customer: "The backslash with the question mark, right?"
Customer: "After that is a bottom slash."
Customer: "Then there's a little slash...."
Customer: "Where can I find the letters 'com' and 'dot' on my keyboard
Customer: "Exclamation mark -- that's the big stick with the dot underneath, right?"
Customer: "What am I getting a keyboard error for? The keyboard isn't even plugged in!"
Customer: "So then I front click on there...."
Customer: "I forward clicked on this icon."
Customer: "How do I get the other side of the CD to play?"
Customer: "I just got this CD of Internet software in a gaming magazine. How do I install it on my Sony PlayStation?"
Customer: "I am having problems printing. Does this have anything to do with the meteor shower? I was just wondering."
Customer: "If I had a color monitor, would my printer print in color?"
Customer: "How do you unsave something in the printer?"
Customer: "Oh!! You mean I need a modem AND a computer to get on the Internet!?"
Customer: "My modem needs a new hard drive."
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
Customer: "My modem can't see my Windows!"
Customer: "During that bad thunderstorm last night, lightning struck the telephone pole outside while I was online. Ever since then your modems haven't been working. When are you going to get 'em fixed?"
Customer: "What kind of ink cartidges do I need for this scanner?"
Customer: "Can it damage a mouse to be thrown at a wall?"
Customer: "The modem didn't fit in the slot, so I had to file it till it would fit."
Customer: "Is it ok to clean my MAC in the tub as long as the power is off?"
Customer: "I've been sitting here for over twenty minutes with it saying I'm connected. When will it do something?"
Customer: "This is a Mac. It doesn't need an IP address."
Customer: "I'm no computer whiz, but I was wondering which end of the phone cord goes into the wall and which one goes into the modem."
Customer: "Is there a place I can go in the computer to make the phone line better?"
Customer: "If I want somebody to send a reply to my email...should I include a self-addressed stamped envelope along with it?"
Customer: "I can't send an email. Is the Internet full?"
Customer: "I get this error when I check my mail. It says, 'There are no new messages.'"

Customer: "I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?"
Customer: "How much does it cost to have the Internet installed?"
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
Customer: "I would like an Internet please." Customer: "When I sign up, do I need to be home so you can come out and install the Internet to my house?"
Customer: "I just got your Internet in the mail today..."
Customer: "I just downloaded the Internet. How do I use it?"
Customer: "I don't have a computer at home. Is the Internet available in book form?"
Customer: "Will the Internet be open on Memorial Day tomorrow?"
Customer: "The Internet is running too slow. Could you reboot it please?"
Customer: "We're going on holiday for three months, can you suspend the Internet for us please?"
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
Customer: "Do you own the Internet?"
Customer: "Is this 'Internet' the same as 'www' and do you own that as well?"
Customer: "I lost my Internet. I switched it off last night and turned on this morning, and it's gone. I just paid $19.95 a month, and I have lost it already. Can you send me another one?"
Customer: "I broke the Internet! Can you fix it for me?"
Customer: "Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!"
Customer: "What do you mean I have to dial into the Internet every time I want to go to your web site? I thought I only had to do that the first time I used this software!"
Customer: "I found this [web] page on [another service] but the name you need to get there is too long. Shorten it."

Next Disk Drives

Customer: "I just got a copy of the new software you sent us, and I'm having some problems."
Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "The disk is stuck."
Tech Support: "You mean when you lift the latch, the disk won't pop out?"
Customer: "Exactly."
Tech Support: "By any chance was there already a disk in the drive when you put this one in?"
Customer: "No! I'm not dumb."
Tech Support: "Can you pull the disk out?"
Customer: "No, the disk is too far back to be reached."
Tech Support: "What do you mean, too far back?"
Customer: "The disk is smaller than the regular disks that I normally use. It's just too far back."
Tech Support: "What size is this disk?"
Customer: "About three inches, give or take."
Tech Support: "So, you placed a 3 1/2" disk in a 5 1/4" disk drive?"
Customer: "Yeah, and now it's stuck. How do I get it out?"

My Dad: "Hello. I've got a problem with the computer."
Me: "What's up?"
My Dad: "Well, I did my document, and it looks fine on the screen. I printed it too. And I saved it."
Me: "Great! You're getting the hang of the thing."
My Dad: "Yes, I am. I have just one problem."
Me: "Ok, what is it?"
My Dad: "Well, I saved the file...."
Me: "Yes?"
My Dad: "How do I rewind the disk?"

Student: "Why isn't my computer saving to my floppy?"
Teacher: "Is it in the drive?"
Student: "No. Does it need to be?"

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

User: "I've gotta print a paper out tonight. Do you have a printer?"
SysAdmin: "Sure. Mac or PC?"
User: "Umm, I'm not sure. It says Smith Corona on it."
SysAdmin: "Ok, so it's a typewriter with a screen, right?"
User: "Yep. Will these things read my disk?"
Well, some of these typewriters can write MSDOS format disks, so it's possible.
SysAdmin: "Possibly. Do you have your disk?"
User: "Yes, it's right here!"
She hands me her disk. Unfortunately, it's not a writeable disk. In fact, it's not a disk at all. It's a yellow plastic insert, most definitely a piece of shipping packaging.
SysAdmin: "Umm, did your typewriter give you any errors when you saved your work?"
User: "I think so, but they didn't look important. Is there anything wrong?"
Now, here's where years of living with teachers comes in handy. Can you imagine trying to keep a straight face?
SysAdmin: "Well, ma'am, this is not a disk. It's packaging, meant to keep the innards of your disk drive from beating themselves up when the thing's on the road. Nothing can get stored on this, unless you wish to carve a message on it with an x-acto knife."
User: "Oh."

Customer: "I've dragged the file to the desktop, and I still don't have the disk space."
Tech Support: "The file is still on your hard disk. You've got to click and drag it into the trash can."
Customer: "I still don't seem to have the disk space."
Tech Support: "You've got to click on 'Empty Trash', and that will permanently delete the file. Then you'll have that disk space back."
Customer: "Permanently delete the file? But what if I need it?"

A Friend: "Does my hard drive get heavier when I put more data on it?"

Tech Support: "What exactly happened?"
Customer: "Well, I tried to download netscape, but the connection kept dropping."
Tech Support: "Ok, then what?"
Customer: "Well, I couldn't find the file to delete it, so I formatted my hard drive."
Tech Support: "What?"
Customer: "Yes. Do you know somewhere I can download DOS?"

Customer: "All my files I saved last week to my C: drive are missing!"
Tech Support: "Do you remember what directory you first saved them in?"
Customer: "No, I don't. I just know it was on my C: drive."
Tech Support: "Ok, I'll walk you through how to find the files."
Customer: "I wouldn't think I would be losing files on this computer. Gee, I just had the hard drive replaced in it yesterday."

GREAT ONE!

Tech Support: "Thank you for calling. How can I help you?"
Customer: "Help!"
Tech Support: "What's the problem, sir?"
Customer: "My drive started making funny noises, so I put my finger in it to see what was wrong, and now I CAN'T GET IT OUT!!"

Smoke and fire

Customer: "My system's on fire. What do I do?"

Customer: "My terminal is smoking and shooting sparks. Should I unplug it?"

Tech Support: "Hello, tech support, may I help you?"
Customer: (in a thick Russian accent) "Yes. Monitor is working fine but has sparks and smoke flying out back. Is ok?"
Tech Support: (blink)

Customer: "There are smoke and flames coming from my computer."
Tech Support: "Uh, hang up, unplug the computer from the wall, and call the local fire department."
Customer: "That's not the problem. I need to know how to do a backup. Fastest possible method"

Customer: "Hi, I think I've got a problem with my monitor."
Tech Support: "Ah. Do you still have an image?"
Customer: "Yes, best image ever. Thing is, when I look at it from the side, I see red hot components."
Tech Support: "Uh, when you look at it from the SIDE? How can you see any components?"
Customer: "Well, through that big smoking hole."

Tech Support: "Hello, tech support, can I help you?"
Customer: (slowly) "Oohh." (pause) "I think I did a bad thing."
Tech Support: "Ok, so tell me what's up."
Customer: "Well, my computer was running great. Everything was working fine, I had no problems whatsoever."
Tech Support: "Ok..."
Customer: "So I decided to open it up and have a look inside. I saw all these wires dangling all over the place. There were grey flat ones, and small red, black, and yellow ones, and it seemed like they weren't connected to anything. So I decided to plug them all in."
Tech Support: "Um, you mean you plugged them all in? What did you plug them into?"
Customer: "Well, whatever I could get them to connect to. I saw pins sticking off of some of the boards that didn't have anything on them, so I plugged all the loose wires in to make it run better."
Tech Support: "And then you..."
Customer: "And so I plugged them all in, and I hit the power button, and there was this loud bang and a flash and a puff of smoke. Now it doesn't work at all."
Tech Support: (suppressing all emotion and turning deep crimson) "Can you hold for a minute, please?"

Appropiately titled Calls from hell

I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.

Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."
Pause.
Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
Customer: "Oh."
Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
Customer: "Why?"
Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
Customer: "Ok."
I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.

Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."
Pause.
Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled "BANG HEAD HERE."

Tech Support: "Thank you for calling customer service, and how may I help you?"
Customer: "I can't get it to do."
Tech Support: "Excuse me, ma'am?"
Customer: "I can't get my Internet to do."
Tech Support: "Let's check your setup."
Customer: "Okey dokey."
Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon."
Customer: "I don't see that one."
Tech Support: "What screen are you on, and what does you desktop look like?"
Customer: "Wood."
Tech Support: "What's on your screen, ma'am?"
Customer: "A bunch of names."
Tech Support: "Like what?"
Customer: "Bill, George, Larry, Jim."
Tech Support: "What screen are you on?"
Customer: "I am on the one I'm on. I need to go get my daughter. She's the computer guru of the family."
Tech Support: "Great, thank you."
April: "Hi, I'm April, and you are?"
Tech Support: "Mike."
April: "Mike. Cool, dude."
Tech Support: "Are you at your desktop?"
April: "You will have to excuse my mother. She's a little dense."
Tech Support: "No problem."
April: "How old are you?"
Tech Support: "300 years old. I'm the 'Highlander.' Um, would you do a double click on the 'My Computer' icon?"
April: "Sorry, I don't see that one."
Tech Support: "What do you see?"
April: "Bill, George, Larry, and Jim."
Tech Support: "What version of Windows are you using?"
April: "Ninety-something I guess."
Tech Support: "Erm. Shut down the computer and reboot."
April: "Ok...." (pause) "Done."
Tech Support: "What does your screen say?
April: "Bill, Larry, Jim, Barbie, and Wimper."
Tech Support: "Just for kicks, do a double click on 'Bill,' and see what happens."
April: "What is this?"
Tech Support: "What did it do?"
April: "It now has little folders: modems, devices, etc."
Tech Support: "Why was your 'My Computer' icon named Bill?"
April: "I wanted to name it something cute. Did I screw up?"

Internet

My company develops an online education product for which we provide email and phone support. A large amount of our users are first-year college students, many of which have little or no computer experience. Our product requires that you use IE or Netscape and is not compatible with AOL's browser. This often causes some problems with our users as many of them subscribe to AOL. This phone call had me laughing for a good half hour and most of the other support staff in tears.

Tech Support: "Good evening, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Uhh, yeah, I'm tryin' t' use this here program t' take a course online, and it ain't workin'."
Tech Support: "All right, what kind of computer do you have? I want to make sure it's ok to run our software."
Customer: "Uhh, well, it's my dad's computer, and I don't know what it is. It jus' says COMPAQ on the front."
Tech Support: "Ok, and you can connect to the Internet, right?"
Customer: "Yup, that's not the problem though. I can't take muh course."
Tech Support: "All right, what browser and version do you use?"
Customer: "Whut's a browser?"
Tech Support: "It's the program you use to see things on the Internet. Do you use Internet Explorer or Netscape?"
Customer: "Uh, I dunno." (agitated) "I don't know much 'bout this computer stuff. The school just said I hafta do sum' muh courses on it."
Tech Support: "Ok, well, when you connect to the Internet and see information, is there a fancy 'N' in a box on the upper right hand corner of the screen, or is it a blue 'e' with a stripe across it?"
Customer: "Uh, I don't see none of that."
Tech Support: "Ok sir, do you know if you use America Online to get on the Internet?"
Customer: "Uh, no, ah use AOL."

Tech Support: "From what I can tell, the techs have helped you doublecheck your settings and everything should be perfectly fine. Do you use Netscape or Internet Explorer to connect?"
Customer: "Well, now, I dunno. I just use the stuff ya gave me. When I wanna get online, I click this here."
Tech Support: "Can you be a little more specific?"
Customer: "I move the little arrow here and click."
Tech Support: "Can you tell me what icons are on your desktop?"
Customer: "I ain't got no icons."
Tech Support: (blink) "You don't? None at all?"
Customer: "Nope."
Tech Support: "Well, ok. Do you have something on your desktop that says, 'Shortcut to [our Internet service]'?"
Customer: "No, I ain't got nothin' written like that on my desktop."
Tech Support: "Ok, um...can you tell me what's on your desktop, then?"
Customer: "Well, I gots me here a pencil, the computer, and my coffee."
Tech Support: "Um, all right...can you tell me what you see on the TV part of your computer?"
Customer: "On one side there's a buncha pictures, and across the top there's words."
Tech Support: "Good, sir, that's what I hoped you would say. The little pictures are called 'icons,' and the whole screen area that the little pictures are on is called the 'desktop.'"
Customer: "Oh. Hell, is that what you meant? I ain't the religious type, so don't keep no Marys or nothin' around."
Tech Support: "Um, yes, that's what I was meaning, sir. Now, on your screen, the desktop, do you see anything that says 'Shortcut to the Internet' or '[our Internet service]'?"
Customer: "Why, yes I do. In fact, that's what I click on when I try to connect."
Tech Support: "And then what happens sir?"
Customer: "Well, the computer makes all kinds of annoying sounds, then pops up a little thing sayin' I'm connected."
Tech Support: "Go--"
Customer: (interrupting) "Now before ya say anythin', I wantcha ta know it lies."
Tech Support: "It what?"
Customer: "The little thing sayin' I'm connected. It ain't talkin' the truth."
Tech Support: "Um...ok...what makes you say that?"
Customer: "Well, because after that nothin' happens. Nothin' at all."
Tech Support: "Excuse me?"
Customer: "Well, it says I'm connected, but nothin' else happens. I'm a patient man, but after about half an hour, my computer finally gives up the truth an' says I'm not connected no more."
Tech Support: "Have you tried using a web browser, sir? Do you get any kind of errors when you try opening a web page?"
Customer: "I'm tellin' you, nothin' happens."
Tech Support: "All right. What do you use for a web browser?"
Customer: "I'm not quite sure whatcha mean."
Tech Support: "Netscape Navigator? Internet Explorer? Do you use any programs like those?"
Customer: "Now why would I need anything like that? All I want to do is get connected."
Tech Support: "Right sir, you are getting conn--"
Customer: "Now listen here, I just done told ya that I'm not. I think I'd know if anything happened after I tried to connect. By now I'm getting rather frustrated, but still I press on."
Tech Support: "Ok, let me try to explain a couple of things. First of all, when most people talk about 'surfing the web' and 'getting on the Internet' they're usually talking about viewing web pages on the Internet."
Customer: "I follow ya."
Tech Support: "In order to view these pages, the person needs to run a web browsing program -- typically Netscape Navigator or Internet Explorer. These turn the information on a web site into a format that is understandable by an ordinary person."
Customer: "So I need one of them ta get connected?"
Tech Support: "Actually, sir, you are already getting connected. Once you get that 'connected' message, you need to open up a web browser."
Customer: "I do?"
Tech Support: "Yes, sir. On your screen, do you have a 'little picture' that looks like a big 'N' or do you have one that looks like an 'e'?"
Customer: "I got one what looks like an 'N'."
Tech Support: "All right, sir, here's what I want you to do: After hanging up with me, I want you to connect like you usually do. Once you get that 'connected' box to appear on your screen, I want you to click on the picture of an 'N'. If things still aren't happening after that, go ahead and call us back."
Customer: "All right, I'll try that, but I tell ya: ain't nothin' gonna happen."

{b]PARANOIA![/b]
customer: "Well, I just want to know if I load this disk into my computer, won't other people be able to get into my computer and access everything I have in there?"
Tech Support: "No, that's not possible."
Customer: "You see it on the TV all the time."

I work for the computer help desk of a large university. One of our more memorable clients is infamous for what I can only describe as techno-paranoia. The last time she called to tell us we were going to have to do something about the "Internet Communists." She was convinced that they were getting into her PC through her television and putting typographical errors in her word processing files. "They weren't there before," she insisted, "and I don't make those kinds of mistakes!"

A customer called saying he was getting an error in Windows 95. He told me what the error was, and I recognized this as a typical error that occurs after installing MS Office 97.

Tech Support: "Sir, did you just install Office 97?"
Customer: "YOU'RE IN MY COMPUTER, AREN'T YOU?????" (click)

At a library
Her: (shrieking) "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???"
Me: "I'm checking my email--"
Her: "It looks like you're breaking into the computer!!"
Me: "No really -- I'm checking my mail."
Her: "But that's not HOTMAIL!!"
Me: "I don't use hotmail. I use--"
Her: "But EVERYONE uses HOTMAIL!!"
Me: "No, my account goes through UTM. My email account ends with--"
Her: "But that's not what MYYY UTM looks like!!" (apparently referring to the UTM web page)
Me: "Yes, I'm telnetting. It's another way of accessing--"
Her: "I think you better shut that off. You're breaking into the computer."
Me: "But I--"
Her: "Turn it off. I don't believe that 'checking mail' story."

Tech Support: "Yes, ma'am, we require a credit card or checking account in order to sign up on our service."
Customer: "Well, I saw on the news that I should never give out my credit card information!"
Tech Support: "Well, ma'am, we have to have a way to bill you."
Customer: "No other service does this!"
Tech Support: "No, ma'am, the others don't allow you to use a checking account."
Customer: "No honest company would ask me for my credit card information!"

Tech Support: "May I have your phone number, sir?"
Customer: "I don't give out my phone number!"
Tech Support: "All right. How may I help you, sir?"
Customer: "How much for your Internet service?"
I gave him the prices.
Customer: "If I own the software why do you keep charging for it?"
Tech Support: "Well, sir, the software is free, but you are charged for being online."
Customer: "YOU CONNECT YOUR COMPUTER TO THE PHONE LINE?!?"
Tech Support: "Well, sir, you do use a modem to dial online."
Customer: "I WILL NEVER HOOK MY COMPUTER TO MY PHONE!!!!" (click)

The second day I worked doing phone tech support, I was called by an elderly woman who was sobbing and panicked. After spending twenty minutes getting her calmed down, I finally found out what her problem was. She had been on the Internet and recieved the ever-popular message "This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down." Immediately afterward, she had heard police sirens down the road and thought, "They're coming to lock me up!"

I work for a nationwide ISP, doing overnight technical support. A man who had immigrated from Croatia called to ask us, in his thick eastern European accent, mind you, why we were kicking him offline.

Customer: "Why do you guys keep kicking me offline?"
Tech Support: "Can you hold on a moment while I look at your account logs?"
Customer: "Sure, but please hurry."
Tech Support: "Ok." ... "Hi, thanks for holding. It looks like our servers are reporting that either your modem is hanging up like a normal disconnect, or the connection is just being lost. This is usually attributed to line noise. I'd advise you get in touch with--"
Customer: "No, that is not what it is!"
Tech Support: "Well, that would normally be the first place I'd look. The modems are just losing touch with each--"
Customer: "All right. Apparently they do not tell you everything there. What I'm trying to look at are some Croatian newspapers to keep up with what's going on in my old country. The government did not like me when I was there and they do not like me being in touch with my family and events there today."
Tech Support: "Sir, the government there cannot disconnect you from the Internet here. You are in the United St--"
Customer: "My government was very powerful. They can do lots of things you would never imagine."
Tech Support: "I'm sure in Croatia, the government would have the power to disconnect you from the Internet. The service providers are under their jurisdiction there. However, in America, there is nothing they could do to force our computers to knock you off line. You're safe. I'm telling you, the first and foremost place I'd look is the telephone company to have them do what's called a 'data grade check'--"
Customer: "No, no, no. That is alright. I just wanted to know if you were doing it intentionally, or if it was them. Thank you. Thank you. Have a good night."

The ultimate sign of stupidity How NOT to get a disk out

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"

Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."

Tech Support: "You did what sir?"

Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."

Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."

Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?" At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.

Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"

Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."

Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?"

Silence. "Sir?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?"

Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"

Customer: "Ummmm."

Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"

Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"

Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."

More general stupidity (or at least computer ignorance) and helplessness

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."

Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"

Customer: "I'm having a problem here. Do I put the serial number in the box that says 'serial number,' or do I put it in the box that says 'company'?"

Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "When I change my font sizes, the letters change size."

Tech Support: "No, sir...clicking on 'Remember Password' will NOT help you remember your password."

Tech Support: "Ok, I can help you install the software. Would you like me to do that?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "All right, can you insert the disk in the disk drive please?"
Customer: "How?"
Tech Support: "Place the disk in the opening at the front of the computer."
Customer: "Will I have to have my computer delivered before we can do this?"
Tech Support: "Um yes, that might be an idea."

Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."
Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."

Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive -- go to A and type 'dir'."
Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.

Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place -- it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?"

Ok i have loads more, if anyone wants them ask me to post them or i'll send the files (they fill about 3 .txts). If anyone read all the way down to this notice then well done :thumbs:

[edit] while looking through my logs found this with a warning at the bottom (i hope none of the tech's at SP get this guy, if they do i will pity them and offer them painkillers) -

One day a friend of mine called me up to tell me he was thinking of buying a computer. This guy is particularly sensitive to criticism and not to exactly in the upper eschelon of the IQ range, and personally I don't think he should own a programmable VCR much less a computer, but he's a good guy, so I said "good for you." The following conversation ensued:

Him: "Well I have a couple questions though, that I thought I should ask you, cause you know about those things, right?"
Me: "Yeah, ok, what do you want to know?"
Him: "Well...what one should I buy?"
Me: "What do you want to do with it mostly? Play games, word processsing (blah blah blah)...?"
Twenty minutes later....

Him: "Well, I think probably I should get a real fast one, you know, cause I want it to go fast so I don't have to wait for the Internet."
I proceed to explain, SLOWLY, about the difference between megahertz and modem speed, which takes another twenty minutes.

Him: "So how much is this going to cost me anyway?"
Me: "It all depends on what you want. Some stuff costs more.
(Now, let me say here that at the very begining of all this I had stated that neither a monitor nor a printer would come with a computer itself, unless you went for a package deal. He was, at this point saying that he wanted to spend about $500 and that everything had to be from the same manufacturer. This was when the 550 P3 had just come out, so prices were still higher than $500 for any system you could go buy in a Circuit City, which he said he HAD to do.)

Him: "Well, you know, I just want the basic stuff, a monitor, and a printer and a scanner, and maybe a camera, plus the stuff to make cards and print photos and all that, and the stuff to take care of paying my bills, and online."
Me: "Ok, well, you need to get a system first, then think about the extras. You really need to learn the basics first. A computer with a monitor and a printer is probably going to be a minimum of $800 to $1000, if you really want them all to be from the same company."
Him: "REALLY?! Well, ok, but I probably will need two printers, so it'll be more then, huh?"
Me: "What?"
Him: "Yeah, you can do that, right, hook up two of the same printer to one computer?"
Me: "Well...NO, you can't."
Him: "But I'll need to do that!"
Me: "No, really, you won't. Why do you think that?"
Him: "Ok, wait, I know, what about two computers? Can you do that? Can you hook two computers together?"
Me: "But...why? No."
Him: "But I am going to NEED that! You can't do that for me?!"
Me: "Ok, ya know what, what the hell are you talking about?!? No one ever NEEDS to do what you are talking about doing so why do you think you need to do this?!?"
Him: "Well, when I go to print out that manuscript I'm going to write, it'll probably be like 800 pages or so, so how am I ever going to get one printer to print that much, and one computer probably can't even hold that much in one thing right?"

Inside I was going ballistic at this point, and it did boil over, especially since there is NO WAY there is 800 pages worth of anything in this guy's head, but I explained that (a) one computer can in fact "hold" that much and a whole lot more, and (b) one printer (unless it is a huge Xerox or other office type industrial machine) CAN'T hold that much paper in one shot.

I hope that none of you nice tech support people never EVER get a call from this guy, because I guarantee you it will be the worst call you ever get in your life. You guys may all have to get together and dedicate a page to him, posting only his calls, just to vent your anger. He is the cupholder guy, the NOSMOKE.EXE guy, the guy who insists he "hasn't changed anything" when he really edited his AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS to include lines like "and don't say I'm bad and an invalid," and the guy who has everything plugged in but nothing where it is supposed to be plugged in. He WILL have his powerstrip plugged into itself and will insist that it is NOT. May the force be with you all; you'll need it

[second edit][\b] The NOSMOKE.EXE log -

In a humorous story I recently heard, a very "inventive" technician dealt in a unique fashion with an adamant, though definitely misinformed, computer owner. Here's how the story went:

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance.

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer.
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply.
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it.
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command.

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded:

Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes.

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer.

Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22.
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out.

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again.

Customer: I need a new power supply.
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply.
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

[this worries me that some microsoft tech now thinks there really is a nosmoke.exe program]

one final one before i go (and leave you in peace) -

True Call to the Support Line
Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

Support: Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?
Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
Support: What sort of trouble?
Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Support: Went away?
Customer: They disappeared.
Support: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Customer: Nothing.
Support: Nothing?
Customer: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.
Support: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
Customer: How do I tell?
Support: Can you see the C prompt on the screen?
Customer: What's a sea-prompt?
Support: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
Support: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
Customer: What's a monitor?
Support: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
Customer: I don't know.
Support: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Customer: ......Yes, I think so.
Support: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Customer: ......Yes, it is.
Support: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
Customer: No.
Support: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Customer: ......Okay, here it is.
Support: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.
Customer: I can't reach.
Support: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
Customer: No.
Support: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Customer: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark.
Support: Dark?
Customer: Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Support: Well, turn on the office light then.
Customer: I can't.
Support: No? Why not?
Customer: Because there's a power outage.
Support: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Support: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Customer: Really? Is it that bad?
Support: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Support: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

Enjoy

[ September 17, 2002, 21:36: Message edited by: Lazy Bonzo ]

 

Lazy Bonzo,

1 word: ROTFLMAO

Anyways, heard this one yesterday

Technical Guy:
With Internet helpdesk.
Goodday sir, whats your problem.
Can´t get your internet on?
What kind of browser are you using?
Well, look to your desktop do you see a big blue "E" or a big green "N"?
A big black nothing?
Ok sir, listen to me very closely we need you to turn your computer on, ok can you do that?
Yeah I´ll wait

 

Caller: "I seem to have a problem."
Me: "What is it?"
Caller: "I don't have any friends."
Me: "This is computer tech support, not dial-a-couselor."
Caller: "What is tech support?"
Me: "Is this a prank call?"
Caller: "Wah! You don't like me either!"
Me: "Listen bud, talk to me when I'm not working, but I need to keep the phone lines open for people that need tech support."
Caller: "Yay!"

or how about this one?

Caller: "I can't seem to get my computer to connect to the internet."
Me: "Did you try using the connect to internet shortcut on your desktop?"
Caller: "Yeah, it doesn't work."
Me: "Okay then sir, listen very closely, you need to go find a big lead pipe and begin bashing your computer with it."
Caller: "Won't that break it?"
Me: "At least you have some semblance of a brain. Okay, sir, this is a common problem. You're going to have to plug the computer's modem into a phone line."
Caller: "It worked. Thanks!"

 

this happened to me during the XT and AT era.
the phone rings and:

me : hello.
her: (starts talking so fast in a panic state that i didn't understand a single word she said.)
me : whoa! hold your horses. be calm. and before you say anything, i can hear you UPS beeping. check your cables they might be loose or someone have accidentally tripped over it.
her: ok, hold on.
a few seconds later.
her: hello.
me : ok. no more beeps. what were you trying to say a while ago?
her: oh! nothing, you have already solved the problem.
me : wink.



another one, another girl:

i was called to clean-up some computer virus.
after cleaning her system, i jokingly told her to use alcohol before and after using the computer to prevent another virus infection. i didn't realized that she took my joke seriously until i saw the whole division have a bottle of alcohol besides their pcs.

and yet another girl:

my colleague was asked to install Lotus 1-2-3 spreadsheet.
so the guy went there with a couple of diskettes and installed the system with this lady watching him work. the installation took only a few minutes and he proudly told her that the job was completed. to his surprise the lady said "But you only had 2 diskettes... you only installed Lotus 1-2."

 

Are these people morons or WHAT!



Sorry

Teeny
(Feeling stupid )

 

Teeny you may be correct, but we must all remember though we are computer literate there are the poor unenlightened souls who do not know the joys of computing and aren't in fact thick just incredibly moronic

 

Cool thing happened at school this week

The system Adminstrators were replaced by the coaches (something like a coup). Problem is they dont even now how to spell Linux, let alone installing it

heh, 5 minutes after they started controling the network they totaly f****d up.

Cool thing, I´m at one of the best IT schools in my country and they are my teachers. LOL