The Assasin (not fantasy)(short story)

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ok heres a creative essay i wrote for English
i would love feedback on it please

The Assassin


It was a dull and overcast night, the mysterious shape in the grass shuffled a bit and some quiet mumbling could be heard “Grr, why did I have to pick such a stupid spot to lie down at, oh well too late to change now, she will be coming home any minute now”

The position in which he was lying, if it could be seen by anyone except the curious looking squirrel in the trees, did look rather uncomfortable. When he had first chosen the spot it was a comfy spot with a good view on the house, but as time wore on parts of his body became uncomfortable with the constant pressure against the log, and soon became sore. But he was too well trained to take heed of a lot of these pains, it was the branch that had fallen with the wind and clipped his foot that caused the bother to him just now. Just as he was considering moving to a better position a car pulled up the drive and towards the house in the distance. When he saw this he raised his Rifle, which had crudely scratched into the side “Lucky”.

He rose Lucky slowly and aimed towards the door.

Then disaster stuck, it started lashing it down as if someone was pouring buckets out of the clouds. This could ruin his plan completely, the oil he had carefully placed on the road could be washed away, he would just have to wait and see now. The car slowly rolled along the road driving carefully to avoid slipping on the now almost flooded road. As the car drove closer to the oil patch he tightened his grip around the trigger and pulled the tarpaulin over the back of the rifle to stop the drips blocking his site. As the car reached the oil, it skidded a little but stayed on the road “damn” thought the assassin. It soon looked like his plan would fail, until after a split second decision he decided it had to be done. He pulled the trigger.

It had been a long hard day at work and all Tracy wanted to do was get home and have a bath, then maybe go out and tend to her precious garden. Tracy got in the car and made her way to the edge of the city, Tracy lived on the outskirts in an isolated little village. When Tracy reached her driveway it started tipping it down with rain, the car was old and didn’t like the rain, so as not to over do the engine Tracy slowed down snail speed, it was a slow drive along to her house. When Tracy was almost there the car started slipping and skidding on the road but her slow speed meant the car was easy to control along the difficult patch. Just as Tracy thought she would get to the house without any more trouble she heard a loud pop and the car skidded uncontrollably onto her precious flowerbeds.

“OH NO!! Not my flowers!!” Tracy screamed as the car skidded to a halt.

She quickly got out of her car and ran for the front door looking back to see her burst tyre that was the cause of the car slipping. Tracy quickly ran inside and out of the rain.

“Damn again, she ran too quickly for a good shot” thought the assassin.
Just as Tracy entered her house, the rain stopped. Tracy, in a shocked state, proceeded to the bathroom to have a bath to calm her nerves. While she was bathing the assassin waited patiently outside, his scope aimed at the rear door of the house.

When Tracy was finished in her bath, she walked out to the garden in her gardening clothes to admire her work, and to fix the damage caused by the car. Her garden was beautiful, full of different varieties of flowers all with there own vibrant colours, like the deep dark red of the roses and the vibrant purple of the iris’s or the multicoloured display of phlox. She wandered out to the rose bed that had been defiled by her car, and that’s when it happened.

The assassin had been waiting an hour since he had blown a hole in her tyre, he was about to pack up and go to finish his job another time, until his sharp eagle-like eyes caught movement at the door, “Aha, here she comes” he muttered quietly. When she reached the rose bed he tightened his finger round the trigger and aimed for the heart. He fired. The shot took a perfect flight and pierced straight through her heart and out the other side. She was dead the instant the bullet hit her. She dropped lifeless onto her rose bed, with blood trickling all around the plants. Well she had always wanted to be at one with the flowers, now she was.


creative critcsim(sp??) is appretiated

[ November 12, 2003, 23:40: Message edited by: Dalveen ]

 

That was really good, Dalveen. There is only the odd grammar mistake and two other things. One is that you use the word Tracy a lot in one paragraph you could maybe changed some to 'she'. Also, Tracy seems like a regular person. It would be nice to know why she is to be assassinated. Otherwise, it's excellent work! Well done

 

well im working on the updated version just now, recived some brilliant feedback from grey magistrate so using his advice to update it, and the whole reason i didnt go into personalitys was its meant to be a mysterious story, one that you had to imagine what happend in the end for yourself rather than being spoonfed a whole story

 

You just didn't think about the reasons for it did ya .

 

lol well heres the updated version

The Assassin


It was a dull and overcast night, the mysterious shape in the weeds shuffled a bit and some quiet mumbling could be heard -Grr, why did I have to pick such a stupid spot to lie down at, too late to change now I suppose, she will be coming home any minute-.

The position in which he was lying, if it could be seen by anyone except the curious looking squirrel in the trees, did look rather uncomfortable. The patch he had chosen was covered in weeds and nettles and there was a fallen tree where he lied in waiting. When he had first chosen the spot it was a comfy spot with a good view on the house, but as time wore on parts of his body became uncomfortable with the constant pressure against the log, and soon became sore. It was the branch that had fallen with the wind and clipped his foot that caused the most bother to him just now. Just as he was considering moving to a better position a car pulled up the drive and towards the house in the distance. When he saw this he raised his Rifle, which had crudely scratched into the side “Lucky”.

He raised Lucky slowly and aimed towards the door.

It started lashing it down as if someone was pouring buckets out of the clouds. “And I was almost home” she muttered out loud while she activated the windscreen wipers. The oil he had carefully placed on the road could be washed away. “Just a little bit longer, please,” pleaded the assassin. The car slowly rolled along the road driving carefully to avoid slipping on the now almost flooded road. As the car drove closer to the oil patch he tightened his grip around the trigger and pulled the tarpaulin over the back of the rifle to stop the drips blocking his site. As the car reached the oil, it skidded a little but stayed on the road -damn- thought the assassin. It soon looked like his plan would fail, until after a split second decision he decided it had to be done. He pulled the trigger.

It had been a long hard day at work and all Tracy wanted to do was get home and have a bath, then maybe go out and tend to her precious garden. Tracy got in the car and made her way to the edge of the city, Tracy lived on the outskirts in an isolated little village. When Tracy reached her driveway it started tipping it down with rain, the car was old and didn’t like the rain, so as not to over do the engine Tracy slowed down snail speed, it was a slow drive along to her house. When Tracy was almost there the car started slipping and skidding on the road but her slow speed meant the car was easy to control along the difficult patch. Just as Tracy thought she would get to the house without any more trouble she heard a crack and the car skidded uncontrollably onto her precious flowerbeds.

“OH NO!” Tracy screamed, as the car skidded to a halt “Not my flowers!”

She quickly got out of her car and ran for the front door looking back to see her burst tyre that was the cause of the car slipping. Tracy quickly ran inside and out of the rain.

-Damn again, she ran too quickly for a good shot- thought the assassin.
Just as Tracy entered her house, the rain stopped. Tracy, in a shocked state, proceeded to the bathroom to have a bath missing her beeping answering machine and the dog waiting at the kitchen door with its tail wagging. While she was in the bathroom the assassin waited patiently outside, his scope aimed at the front door of the house.

When Tracy was finished in her bath, she walked out to the garden in her gardening clothes to admire her work, and to fix the damage caused by the car. Her garden was beautiful, full of different varieties of flowers all with there own vibrant colours, like the deep dark red of the roses and the vibrant purple of the iris’s or the multicoloured display of phlox. She wandered out to the rose bed that had been defiled by her car, and that’s when it happened.

The assassin had been waiting an hour since he had blown a hole in her tyre, he was about to pack up and go to finish his job another time, until his sharp eagle-like eyes caught movement at the door, “Aha, here she comes” he muttered quietly. When she reached the rose bed he tightened his finger round the trigger and aimed for the heart. He fired. The shot took a perfect flight and pierced straight through her heart and out the other side. She was dead the instant the bullet hit her. She dropped lifeless onto her rose bed, with blood trickling all around the plants. Well she had always wanted to be at one with the flowers, now she was.


btw im doing this in my free periods, so do you think i can count this as english work

[ November 13, 2003, 18:27: Message edited by: Dalveen ]

 

Course it counts!

 

good, sorry i couldnt countinue conversation damn librarian wanted to "close up early" cos shes fat and lazy and wanted her lunch so i was hassled of of the library at 12:15

oh and also, is the second version much better or does it still need to be improved?

 

It's good. I was surprised by the abrupt ending; I hadn't anticipated that she'd be shot and killed so... quickly. But that was a good ending; effective.

 

right heres the 3rd edition of the story, not many changes but i hope you like it

The Assassin


It was a dull and overcast night, the mysterious shape in the weeds shuffled a bit and some quiet mumbling could be heard -Grr, why did I have to pick such a stupid spot to lie down at, too late to change now I suppose, she will be coming home any minute-.

The position in which he was lying, if it could be seen by anyone except the curious looking squirrel in the trees, did look rather uncomfortable. The patch he had chosen was covered in weeds and nettles and there was a fallen tree where he lied in waiting. When he had first chosen the spot it was a comfy spot with a good view on the house, but as time wore on parts of his body became uncomfortable with the constant pressure against the log, and soon became sore. It was the branch that had fallen with the wind and clipped his foot that caused the most bother to him just now. Just as he was considering moving to a better position a car pulled up the drive and towards the house in the distance. When he saw this he raised his Rifle, which had crudely scratched into the side “Lucky”.

He raised Lucky slowly and aimed towards the door.

It started lashing it down as if someone was pouring buckets out of the clouds. “And I was almost home” she muttered out loud while she activated the windscreen wipers.

The oil he had carefully placed on the road could be washed away. “Just a little bit longer, please,” pleaded the assassin.

The car slowly rolled along the road driving carefully to avoid slipping on the now almost flooded road. As the car drove closer to the oil patch he tightened his grip around the trigger and pulled the tarpaulin over the back of the rifle to stop the drips blocking his site. As the car reached the oil, it skidded a little but stayed on the road -damn- thought the assassin. It soon looked like his plan would fail, until after a split second decision he decided it had to be done. He pulled the trigger.

It had been a long hard day at work and all Tracy wanted to do was get home and have a bath, then maybe go out and tend to her precious garden. Tracy got in the car and made her way to the edge of the city, Tracy lived on the outskirts in an isolated little village. When Tracy reached her driveway it started tipping it down with rain, the car was old and didn’t like the rain, so as not to over do the engine Tracy slowed down snail speed, it was a slow drive along to her house. When Tracy was almost there the car started slipping and skidding on the road but her slow speed meant the car was easy to control along the difficult patch. Just as Tracy thought she would get to the house without any more trouble she heard a crack and the car skidded uncontrollably onto her precious flowerbeds.

“OH NO!” Tracy screamed, as the car skidded to a halt “Not my flowers!”

She quickly got out of her car and ran for the front door looking back to see her burst tyre that was the cause of the car slipping. Tracy quickly ran inside and out of the rain.

-Damn again, she ran too quickly for a good shot- thought the assassin.
Just as Tracy entered her house, the rain stopped. Tracy, in a shocked state, proceeded to the bathroom to have a bath missing her beeping answering machine and the dead dog lying down at the kitchen door with the hole in the back of the head. While she was in the bathroom the assassin waited patiently outside, his scope aimed at the front door of the house.

When Tracy was finished in her bath, she walked out to the garden in her gardening clothes to admire her work, and to fix the damage caused by the car. Her garden was beautiful, full of different varieties of flowers all with there own vibrant colours, like the deep dark red of the roses and the vibrant purple of the iris’s or the multicoloured display of phlox. She wandered out to the rose bed that had been defiled by her car.

The assassin had been waiting an hour since he had blown a hole in her tyre, he was about to pack up and go to finish his job another time, until his sharp eagle-like eyes caught movement at the door, “Aha, here she comes” he muttered quietly. When she reached the rose bed he tightened his finger round the trigger and aimed for the heart. He fired. The shot took a perfect flight and pierced straight through her heart and out the other side. She was dead the instant the bullet hit her. She dropped lifeless onto her rose bed, with blood trickling all around the plants. “Well she had always wanted to be at one with the flowers, now she is” muttered the assassin amusingly.

[ November 16, 2003, 22:26: Message edited by: Dalveen ]

 

Great work, but in the last paragraph there is

Just change it to to "...now she is" and it's fine.

 

ok done