The Azardu Story

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while in the chat alone, I tried to recall what had happened in there, in the time that I have been there, and I remembered this truly hilarious story by Azardu, that I'm now going to post. It's taken from the Chatroom and edited so there's no interruptions from other people who might have expressed the LOL, much more than once

Azardu is the sole author of this magnificient piece of art, and please Tal, before you ban me, take it as a joke, because that's all it is

<Azardu> Anyways, this story is purely ficticious and not based on any reallife characters.


<Azardu> <Taluntain> You have been a thorn in my side for far too long, Lokken

<Azardu> <Taluntain> I banish you to the world of IRC!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> And dare you not come back, for certain doom awaits you!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Muhahahaahaha

<Azardu> <Lokken> No! No! That can't be! Pleeeeaaaaaseee! I'll be good, I promise!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> No way, you've had your chance! You may never return to your beloved lands!

<Azardu> <Lokken> I'll go! But mark my words, one day, I will return! With vengeance! Muahahahahaha!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> I'm not afraid of you, feeble lowlevel character! Taste my ban!

<Azardu> <Lokken> Haha, I made the willsave!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Oh, bugger! Well, chew on this evocation then, reflex-save this! *casts fireball*

<Azardu> <Lokken> Aaaaaarghhhh!

<Azardu> <Lokken> You got me!

<Azardu> <Lokken> Argh, I'm at zero HP, that means I'll be banished to my homeplane, Baator, for a hundred years! Nooo!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Muhahaha! Your outerplanar blood is no match for the l33t skills of a sorcerer!

<Azardu> <Lokken in Baator> Curse you Taluntain for my banishment! One day I will have my revenge!

<Azardu> Meanwhile:

<Azardu> <Taluntain in his tower> I need someone to clean my tower, maybe a lowlevel demon will do.

<Azardu> <Taluntain> *Casts summon demon*

<Azardu> <Lokken> Muhahahah, I'm free from my banishment! Taste my anger feeble mortal

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Ok, you can come back to this realm provided you'll clean the house for me once a week

<Azardu> <Lokken> Ok, oh mighty sorcerer.


<Azardu> Epilogue: As Lokken gets comfy cleaning Tal's tower they eventually become good friends, nine months later Lokken gives birth to Tal's half-fiend lovechild

<Azardu> By the way, the story continues as Lokken and Tal raise the child...

<Azardu> <Taluntain> What then, my precious demon, shall we name this child of ours?

<Azardu> <Lokken> Bob the Evil would be nice. Or Roderick the Molester

<Azardu> <Taluntain> But he's our love-child, we need a decent name, like Peter the Nice or something

<Azardu> <Lokken> I'm reconsidering our relationship, you're too... you're too good for me

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Of course I am, you're evil incarnate, you're a demon

<Azardu> <Lokken> I know. Therefore, I wanna get an abortion.

<Azardu> <Taluntain> An abortion? Why?

<Azardu> <Lokken> I don't want this child.

<Azardu> <Taluntain> You can't have an abortion when the child's already born.

<Azardu> <Lokken> Really? Why not?

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Must I really explain all this to you?

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Well, I wont, better that I keep the child and you go back to that wretched plane of yours. You weren't such a good housekeeper anyway

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Now, as for the name

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Are you banging your head against the wall, little one?

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Right, then you shall be known as Marnix da headbanger

<Azardu> <Taluntain> So marnix, what should you do today?

<Azardu> <Marnix> The same as every day, try to take over the world

<Azardu> <Taluntain> I fear I've committed a grave error trying to raise you my son. Perhaps you are not the one after all.

<Azardu> <Marnix> What do you mean I'm not the chosen one? I can be mean! No, really!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Sure you can, sure you can. But that's not enough. You have to be really evil.

<Azardu> <Marnix> But uncle Extremist_ always says I'm evil incarnate when he bounces me on his lap.

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Yeah, yeah, but you'r uncle is always a bit extreme. Besides, he's not your real uncle anyway.

<Azardu> <Marnix> What? Not my real uncle? How can it be? You have lied to me all this months?!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Please find it in your heart, or whatever is there instead, to forgive me.

<Azardu> <Marnix> That's it. I've had it with you dad! I feel my mission in life is to go out and find my real uncle!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> No, please don't leave, I won't be able to handle it, I'm a weak man now!

<Azardu> <Marnix> *Evil laughter* So long, so called sorcerer

<Azardu> <Marnix> I will return to claim what's rightfully mine.

<Azardu> And thus, Marnix leaves the story for now

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Oh no, I'm all alone. And I don't even have a cleaning maid anymore!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Hmm, maybe that guy Extremist_ will do it.

<Azardu> <Taluntain> And maybe now that Marnix is gone, I can hump his lap instead

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Or his leg

<Azardu> Taluntain then teleports himself to Extremist_'s tower

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Hi there old friend. As I grow older I feel that there's something lacking in my life.

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Cannabis?

<Azardu> <Taluntain> No, silly, I feel that I'm left all alone now that the kid has left.

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Indeed a sad loss. I sense you have a remedy planned for this.

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Indeed, I know all about your skills at cleaning the house.

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Or lack thereof...

<Azardu> <Taluntain> But that is not the most important part. I'm afraid to be alone when it's dark.

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Yeah, I know what you're talking about. I always hide under my pillow though. That makes it easier.

<Azardu> <Taluntain> See, that's what I mean, always a practical advice.

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Whaddya say we move in together, us both being old etc.

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Ok, but I get to be on top!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> What?!

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Oh, never mind

<Azardu> <Taluntain> So, we agree then. When will you move in? We can magically teleport all your stuff over to my place right away.

<Azardu> <Extremist_> But I wanna stay here! I like my home. It's so... so pink and cozy!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Well, mine's lilac with green spots, how can you not like that?!

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Yeah, but that's the colors all the big mages use, I want something different.

<Azardu> <Taluntain> *sigh* Alright, how about we take turns? One week at my place and one at yours!

<Azardu> <Extremist_> You mean like we both get 50%?

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Yes, good idea eh? Made it up all by myself.

<Azardu> <Extremist_> You're so smart, that's why I love you!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> You what?!

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Nothing... Kinda... Just slipped my mind...

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Well, I must confess, I love you too

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Great. So, I get to be on top then?

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Oh, ok, on one condition, we stay at my tower

<Azardu> <Extremist_> *sigh* Ok. I'll sacrifice my tower for our love.

<Azardu> The two friends have now become intimate friends and have moved together. However, trouble is in the horizon...


<Azardu> <Lokken> After all these years, I'm having second thoughts about Taluntain, maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all.

<Azardu> <Lokken> Well, he was evil and wicked, but he loved me I think. And *sigh* I loved him too.

<Azardu> <Lokken> Maybe I should go and pay my old lover a visit?

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Hmm, there's someone knocking at the door. Who could it be?

<Azardu> <Lokken> Hello my evil vicious stud, are you home?

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Oh no, it's Lokken! I can't let that evil demon see me and Extremist_ sharing a bed!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Extremist_, you must run now. Run for your life. Save yourself!

<Azardu> <Extremist_> But I wanna stay here and cuddle in your armpit, which is, although smelly, cozy.

<Azardu> <Taluntain> There's a demon at the door, run, quick, out the window!

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Ok, cya later.

<Azardu> Taluntain watches Extremist_ jump out the window

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Extreeeeeemist_! You forgot your ring of feather fall! *Throws the ring out after him*

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Such a shame. And we're on the 15th floor

<Azardu> <Taluntain> *sob* He was so young! And now he's taken away from us!

<Azardu> At this point Lokken bashes in the door to the sleeping chambers.

<Azardu> <Lokken> Taluntain, love of my life!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Lokken! My precious fiend!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> I've missed you the whole time you've been gone.

<Azardu> <Lokken> I've missed you too, but where is our child of love? I've really had some time to think about him.

<Azardu> <Lokken> In fact I think I am ready to bear another of your offspring!

<Azardu> <Lokken> Although I couldn't take a decent shit for a month after the last time.

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Think nothing of it. Everything is ok now. *lobs a fireball out the window at Extremist_*

<Azardu> <Lokken> So then, can I be the cleaning maid once again?

<Azardu> <Lokken> *grins*

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Good, how I've missed that yellow, pointy-teethed smile of yours!

<Azardu> <Lokken> How rude!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Nevermind. Just give me a big kiss!

<Azardu> <Tal and Lok> *smoooooooooch*

<Azardu> And thus, Tal and Lokken got together again. But for how long will it last now?

<Azardu> Somewhere deep down in the undercellar of Extremist_'s tower:

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Muhahahah! I live again!

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Or maybe the correct definition is not living.

<Azardu> <Extremist_> I'm beyond living! I'm a lich! I'm arcane power incarnate! I'm omnipotent!

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Well maybe not that potent anymore, but death does certain things to one's genitals.

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Now, time for my revenge! I have the perfect plan!

<Azardu> <Extremist_> But I will need an ally! Hmm, I sense a powerful ally in the young one... Hmm, yes... Marnix... indeed. Muhahaahaha

<Azardu> Extremist_ then summons Marnix through the use of potent magics.

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Greetings mortal one!

<Azardu> <Marnix> What place is this? I want my mommy!

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Your mother can't help you here. You're in my world now!

<Azardu> <Marnix> But I don't wanna be in your world, I wanna be out searching for my uncles!

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Taluntain never told you what happened to your uncle, did he?

<Azardu> <Marnix> He told me enough!

<Azardu> <Marnix> He told me you betrayed and killed my uncle!

<Azardu> <Extremist_> What?!

<Azardu> <Marnix> Oooops, wrong script, sorry!

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Now what did he tell you?

<Azardu> <Marnix> He told me that the one person I thought was my uncle wasn't. So I left to find a new one.

<Azardu> <Extremist_> He did, did he? Well he was lying. Extremist_ was your real uncle, on the mother's side of course.

<Azardu> <Marnix> But how could that be? Why? Why?

<Azardu> <Extremist_> To make you strike him down.

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Tal loved Extremist, and was jealous of you. It worked out in a way when you left. But then Lokken returned.

<Azardu> <Marnix> Who are you so wise in the ways of my relatives?

<Azardu> <Extremist_> I am Extremist_, or what is left.

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Your father betrayed and murdered me, fortunately I had some spells that allowed me to return for revenge.

<Azardu> <Marnix> I will avenge your death! I hate my father! What must I do?!

<Azardu> <Extremist_> *smiles* You will go to your father and slay him with this dagger!

<Azardu> <Marnix> But, wouldn't that piss him off?

<Azardu> <Extremist_> Nah, not at all!

<Azardu> <Marnix> Ok uncle, you're the best!


<Azardu> Marnix then goes back to his father's tower to avenge his uncle.

<Azardu> <Marnix> Open up father, it is I!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Son? Is it you?

<Azardu> <Marnix> Yes. Now let me in!

<Azardu> As Tal then opens the door, Marnix rushes in and stabs him,

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Aaargh, my son?! What is this?! Betrayal?!

<Azardu> <Marnix> This is for the murder of Extremist_!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Ughh, but how do you know?!

<Azardu> <MArnix> He told me, you bastard!

<Azardu> <Taluntain> Tell your uncle I am sorry! *cchcachc*

<Azardu> Marnix then searches the tower

<Azardu> <Marnix> Who are you, beautiful woman dressed in challenging clothes on Tal's bed?

<Azardu> <Lokken> I'm the seductress!

<Azardu> <Marnix> I can certainly see that. Now, Tal is gone. Want a new man in your life?

<Azardu> <Lokken> That would be nice

<Azardu> <Marnix> Shake it baby!

<Azardu> <Lokken> Come to me, sweet little boy.

<Azardu> <Marnix> Wanna shag?!

<Azardu> <Lokken> Give me what you got, I can take it.

<Azardu> And so the story concludes as Lokken and Marnix lives happily ever hereafter


<Azardu> <Extremist_> Finally, I've had my revenge! Now I can go back to plotting on how to take over the world!


Here is a long break, but suddenly


<Azardu> As we once again point our scrying mirror towards the of late absent Taluntain, we find Lokken and Marnix having a fight...

<Azardu> <Lokken> Marnix, dear, it's your turn to wash the dishes now!

<Azardu> <Marnix> No it'n not! I'm a half-fiend, I'm supposed to be only eeeeevil!

<Azardu> <Lokken> But I'm a true fiend, I'm an incarnation of eeeevil

<Azardu> <Marnix> Ah, good point. Right, I'll get to it then.

<Azardu> <Lokken> Geez. When you obey, you remind me of my son.

<Azardu> <Marnix> What? I didn't know you had a previous relationship! You told me I was the first!

<Azardu> <Lokken> Ah. There was one. The pink dragon, I used to call him.

<Azardu> <Marnix> What? Noo! You don't mean?

<Azardu> <Lokken> Yes, Taluntain.

<Azardu> <Marnix> Oh, no! I'm his son.

<Azardu> <Lokken> What have we done? We've sinned gravely these past few weeks!

<Azardu> <Marnix> So what? We're fiends, we are supposed to sin!

<Azardu> <Lokken> True, it's in our blood. Maybe this was why I felt so close to you.

<Azardu> <Marnix> But now that we now, I don't wanna do you anymore!

<Azardu> <Lokken> Fine. I'm tired of you anyway!

<Azardu> At that point, a bearded old sage knocks on the door.

<Azardu> <Lokken> Who can that be, at this time of night?

<Azardu> <Marnix> Probably just some idiot selling dead mice.

<Azardu> <Lokken> Want to eat him?

<Azardu> <Marnix> Yes! Can we? Can we?

<Azardu> <Lokken> If you want to, my child!

<Azardu> Marnix then opens the door, and is just about to put his big mouth over Elminster's head when he starts to feel a deep affection for him.

<Azardu> <Marnix> Why, hello there, handsome!

<Azardu> <Elminster> Greetings to thee, I am Elminster, sage of Shadowdale! I seek a bed for the night

<Azardu> <Marnix> Well, you can bed me anytime! <giggle>

<Azardu> <Elminster> Hohohoho, what humor you posess, pretty half-fiend.

<Azardu> <Marnix> Thank you, did I mention that your beard is incredibly sexy?

<Azardu> <Elminster> No, but thanks anyway. So, are you going to invite me in?

<Azardu> <Marnix> Of course. Step right into my dungeon.

<Azardu> <Lokken> Soo, then. Did he taste good?

<Azardu> <Marnix> Get out ma'. I've got a visitor!

<Azardu> <Elminster> Evening, madam.

<Azardu> <Elminster> (Boy, she's ugly)

<Azardu> <Lokken> How rude!

<Azardu> <Elminster> What?

<Azardu> <Lokken> What you just thought!

<Azardu> <Elminster> (Can you read my mind?)

<Azardu> <Lokken> Yes

<Azardu> <Elminster> Bugger.

<Azardu> <Lokken> Anyways, I'll go over and have tea with uncle Extremist_, you behave while I'm gone, now.

<Azardu> <Marnix and Elminster> Of course!

<Azardu> Lokken then ventures out of this episode...

<Azardu> <Elminster> So, then my sweet little half-child, want to see a movie or something?

<Azardu> <Marnix> Yes, but I don't have any money to go to the cinema.

<Azardu> <Elminster> Neither do I, but I can take out my scrying mirror so that we can watch one from the sofa over there

<Azardu> <Marnix> All right, start it.

<Azardu> As the movie rolls, they start moving closer to each other, but suddenly.

<Azardu> <Elminster> I'm not ready for this. I have to go now. Sorry.

<Azardu> <Marnix> Oh, no, you're impotent, aren't you?

<Azardu> <Elminster> Certainly not, didn't you feelt the bump, when you had your hand there?

<Azardu> <Marnix> Oh my, I thought that was your wizard's staff

<Azardu> <Elminster> Hehe, flattering. But I must really go now

<Azardu> Elminster then leaves.

<Azardu> <Marnix> Noo! My love! Come back!

<Azardu> <Elminster>...

<Azardu> <Marnix> Just my luck. For once I find a MAN that likes me back, and I manage to scare him away!

<Azardu> <Marnix> Ah, well. I'll just sit here and rot then.

<Azardu> An hour passes, and then suddenly something knocks on the door

<Azardu> <Elminster> Hello again! Art thou perchance still home, Marnix?

<Azardu> <Marnix> Elminster! My love! You're back!

then Tal entered the chat and Azardu didn't dare continue for rather obvious reasons

Stay tuned and hope for the breathtaking ending from Azardu...



[This message has been edited by Lokken (edited July 29, 2001).]

 

roofle

i dont like crass.

 

LMAO - That was sooooo funny .

 

I would say how absolutely hilarious I thought that was, but tal might get mad, so I wont
--FenixStrife

[This message has been edited by FenixStrife (edited July 29, 2001).]

 

ROTFL!

Now, I've read it a long time ago, but now it seems even better...

 

LOL! that is some of the funniest shit ive read in a long time!

 

ROTFL

Must have been a slow day in the chat room
but very very funny.

 

Hey! You posted my work, you bastard! I was gonna sell it for lots and lots of money!
Seriously though, I never meant for this to be published. It was merely an act of boredom, and I'm terribly sorry for hurting anyones feelings. Hmm, or am I? Well, who knows. But as I was saying, this little masterpiece here was never intended to be published, so feel free to remove it if you like, or even change the names of the persons involved in this little soap. After all, they are purely ficticious. That being said, it feels a little strange, yet familiar to again be without voice. I think I had a Deja Vu there for a second. One can only wonder what the next installment in this soap will bring? Temporary ban? Permanent ban? Ah, the possibilities Of course, I cannot help but find it a little unfair (unreasonable as I am) that I am the one to take the heat for another man's inability to restrain himself from posting what was not supposed to be posted. He's a good sport though, able to laugh when being made fun of. Surely the world would have been a better place if everybody had that ability. I also find it a little strange that Tal removed my voice again. After all, he did it once before, after I had written this, if I remember correctly. I even told him about it. But he must do what he finds right I suppose. And I really thought the disclaimer at the beginning would help. Damn.

Edit: Oh, and Tal, over the years, lots of people have tried to teach me things (my mom even tried to teach me manners once). They all failed miserably. You'll be no match for my learning inability.

[This message has been edited by Azardu (edited July 29, 2001).]

 

Holy cow that was funny!

 

Azardu, less drinking next time

 

Mwoehahaha ROTFLOL....

I'm on holiday for three weeks and then suddenly he has the guts to write something like this about me (I'm Marnix)

But the story is very funny and exept some kicks with the boot of Idiot Removal I shall not punish you Azardu

 

Lol!


[This message has been edited by Gormenghast (edited August 02, 2001).]

 

Umm, mr. Headbanger a.k.a. Marnix, you were there at the time this was written. Everybody except Tal were in the room when they were written about.