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The Comedy Corner: Stand Up Comedians, Spout Your Stuff!

Discussion in 'Whatnots' started by Kitrax, Jun 11, 2003.

  1. Kitrax

    Kitrax Pantaloons are supposed to go where!?!?

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    Well, in the alley there is a thread for bashing Stand Up Comics in Europe, so I decided to start a thread for people to show what they can do.

    Ok, here's how it's going to work:
    • I am the owner of Comedy Corner, if you want to be a guest comedian here, PM me and I will schedule you for some stage time.
    • If you aren't scheduled to be on stage, please don't ruin this thread by posting.
    • When you're up on stage, please don't say or do anything obscene, or offensive.
    • Please respect my position of the club's owner, and announcer, if you get out of line, please edit your post if asked to.

    I'm hoping this thread will go as well as Elios’s talks show thing in Sorcerous Sundries awhile back.

    "First up! Let's here it for Late-Night Thinker!"

    Um...folks, Late-Night Thinker is currently not here. But don't panic, Kitrax is here to save the day!

    "Being a Mormon, I am often asked if it's true that Mormons practice polygamy...two words: I wish!"
    *laughter*
    "I mean come on! Just think about how sweet it would be if you had more than one wife..."
    'Sweetie, time for bed.'
    "Ummm, sorry honey, but I've gotten a little tired of you, I think I'm going to sleep with one of my other wives tonight."
    "I think the main reason we don't practice polygamy now is because of one thing: The Credit Card Bill."
    *laughter*
    "Seriously, I go to Wal-Mart and buy 3 pairs of boxers for about $5...my girlfriend goes to Victoria's Secret and gets one thong which costs around $15! My boxers have 12 times the amount of fabric, but are 3 time less than a thong!"
    *laughter*
    "What kind of society do we live in were you pay more for less?"
    *laughter*
    "Thank you, you've all bee great! Hopefully I won't have to get up and do this very often." :rolling:

    [ June 11, 2003, 22:07: Message edited by: Kitrax ]
     
  2. Late-Night Thinker Gems: 17/31
    Latest gem: Star Diopside


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    [​IMG] Hi! My name is Dave.

    Hmm...where should I start?

    Well, I grew up in a town called Nazareth in rural Pennsylvania. Hence I am "David of Nazareth". I am not particulary religious myself, although technically I am Moravian. Being Moravian basically involves eating blessed cupcakes at Christmas time. While other religions eat the body of Christ, we eat the body of Sara Lee.

    Nazareth is a small woodsy town with a long history of shooting Bambi and watching automobiles drive in circles. In my town a boy becomes a man when he can successfully shoot a deer despite the double-vision of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Black people are called niggers and your sister's crotch is called Saturday afternoon.

    I managed to avoid these pitfalls by spending my childhood in fantasy novels and playing computer games. This has, in some way, shaped my thinking. When I look in the mirror I don't think, "Man, you are funny looking." I think, "Dude you look like an elf had sex with a burrowing animal and forgot to pull out."

    Oddly enough, despite my questionable features and propensity for analogous elven bestiality jokes, I have managed to lay down with some beautiful women. (See attached signed and dated document.) Sex with a beautiful women is like...

    ...

    Sorry, I drifted off for a second. What was I saying? Oh yeah, asian women. During a dry spell I once say down and figured it out. If 70% of the world is asian, that means 35% of the world's population is asian women. If you account for Chinese culture, that number is probably more like 30%.

    30% of the people on this planet are asian women! It's thoughts like that that keep me going...

    I haven't yet had the opportunity, but I know if I keep taking all these biology and chemistry classes...one day sprinkling duck sauce on my nether-regions will finally pay off.

    Well, that's all I could come up with in the last hour or so. Enjoy your posting here at SP and I'll see you in school!!


    (laughter or boo's and hiss's welcome)
     
  3. Kitrax

    Kitrax Pantaloons are supposed to go where!?!?

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    Late-Night Thinker everybody!
    *aplause*
    Enjoy your dinner, and we will have another comic up on stage as soon as possible. Remember, if you want some stage time, just PM me and I'll schedule you.

    Ok, next up we have another local comic, so put your hands together for Death Rabbit! :rolling:

    [ June 13, 2003, 00:34: Message edited by: Kitrax ]
     
  4. Death Rabbit

    Death Rabbit Straight, no chaser Adored Veteran Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    Thank you, Kitrax. How 'bout a hand for our host, Kitrax everybody!

    * applause, applause *

    Ok well, looks like Mr. Late Night and I shared a very similar upbringing. My experience was in Utah, however. Yes, yes - the Land of Mormons. Land o' the Latter Day Saints. Where the state slogan is "Our Jesus is better than YOUR Jesus!"

    I too grew up in a podunk little town, sheltered from the rest of the civilized world. Farm country too, so we had quite a substantial Redneck population. You know - big truck, low IQ, very linear family tree. For anyone who ever thought running around in the mountains, blasting squirrels with shotguns should be considered a legitiimate sport should move to northern Utah.

    Rednecks do serve a purpose, though. No matter what class you had in school, there was always one or two in your class to even out the bell curve a bit. And I suppose I should be grateful for their wonderful influence on the curriculum as well - they're the reason Wood Shop still exists.

    It's a dangerous business, though, being a Redneck. I mean, think of all the dangers they face on a daily basis. Getting out of the way in just the nick of time during cow tipping. Being the one guy who ALWAYS insists on wearing camoflage during the Deer hunt. Not backing down when dared to piss on electric fences...hey, this is some scary sh*t!

    A lot of rednecks where I'm from always found their way into the obituaries, sadly. I had a friend who worked for our local newspaper, and he always used to struggle with the right words. Somehow, the following - though the truth - never seemed all that sentimental:

    [ Earl Buford died last Thursday, the apparant victim of a tragic squirrel-hunting accident. He was set to receive his welder certification this fall after his 4th attempt at the exam. Earl is survived by his buddies Leroy, Bubba, Cooter and Red, his younger sister and their child together - Earl number 2.

    Earl will be remembered forever in our hearts, for his brave and inspiring last words: "Hey, fellas! Watch THIS!!"

    Earl will be missed. ]

    It's always sad when you lose a redneck. The funerals are tough. I mean it's tough for the parents to get up and say anything. Can you imagine the pain a woman feels when she's lost a son AND a brother in the same day?


    { Kitrax...should I keep going? Or is my set over? }

    Well...g'nite, folks! Don't forget to tip your waitress! I'll be here all week.

    [provided you thought I was funny, of course]

    [ June 13, 2003, 01:26: Message edited by: Death Rabbit ]
     
  5. Kitrax

    Kitrax Pantaloons are supposed to go where!?!?

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    *tap* *tap*
    Is this thing on?
    *tap* *TAP*
    Oh, there we go.
    *ahem*

    Ok, that was great! Alright, our next comic is a young one from Finland, so be sure to come back Sunday night to see the very funny Harkle do his thing! :rolling:
     
  6. Harkle Gems: 16/31
    Latest gem: Shandon


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    [​IMG] Ladies and gentleman, elves and orcs: here I'm come!

    *boo boo*

    Hey c'mon, I'm only a little late. But that doesn't matter, because we have lots of time! A day or two, means nothing for an elf... Oh. You all aren't elves. Well, then, I apologize that I'm late.

    Well, after these confusing moments I can start. Many of you may know where Finland is, but only a few have actually seen it. I can tell you a few things about it.

    First, people who live in Finland, aren't fins, even if they feel sometimes fishy...

    There are many reasons why Finland is good place live. First, we get lots of snow. It is even better, if you can still walk out of your house (no, we don't have igloos)

    Second, no one will speak for you, if you don't want... if they aren't drunk or foreigners, of course...

    You can meet Santa aka 'joulupukki' even in summer. If all mosquitos in Lapland let you live, that is.

    You can eat all the food you bring for your foreigner friends alone: they won't even touch your black sausages, 'mämmi' (Finnish Easter pudding), salmiac or liver casserole.

    And last, you don't have to pay anything for cold and ice (no fridges or freezers are needed :thumb: ). Well, you have to pay more for heating, but that is what saunas are for!

    *laughter*

    Thanks, thanks. You have been a great audience. Kitrax, the stage is again yours.
     
  7. Kitrax

    Kitrax Pantaloons are supposed to go where!?!?

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    Thank you Harkle! That was great.

    Alright...Our next guest is going to be great! I was a guest on his show here on the boards not too long ago, and now I have the honor to have him on mine! Please help me welcome the one, the only, ELIOS!

    ....Uh, well, folks, it looks like Elios ditched us. But don't worry! Next up we have Baezlebub doing his thing! So give it up! :rolling:

    [ June 27, 2003, 06:35: Message edited by: Kitrax ]
     
  8. Baezlebub Gems: 18/31
    Latest gem: Horn Coral


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    Hey folks. Straight into it, hey?

    I'll start with a joke. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the Russians were chasing him. "Leave him alone, he's only a chicken. Who gave you permission to question the ethics of crossing that road. The Russians blew up his house and killed his family."
    *silence*
    Russians... chicken... Oh wait, Czechan. Bugger, can I start again? No? Oh well. So people, as you may have noticed, I'm from Australia. I know, I know, my accent gives it away. Anyway, Australia, Land of the Free's brown nosing cousin. Don't know if you noticed, but we have a really short leader. No seriously, he's about 5 foot tall. America's president is an arse... I mean, 6 foot. They seem awful close as well. I don't mean to get into any of that disgusting 'homo-eroticism' jokes, but I think they're fags... I mean, oh sh*t. I'm in touble now.

    Anyway, Australia. We got a prayer here. Goes like this, Australia Australia Australia, we love you. Amen. Then we go and get pissed. People might think that is not original, but it is. That is a real prayer. And we have no reservations about alcohol either. If you can buy it, good for you, go and get smashed. Actually, the government caught onto this and said, 'stuff it, 18. That'll do.' That means, that high schoolers are able to get alcohol legally. Seriously. Alcohol is a big thing here. People think they're being clever when they say, "Australia is full of drunks". They could even think it racist. Us, we don't give a sh*t. We hear that, we think "good to be Australian. Think I'll have a crowny". Actually, the aussie sterotype of a yobo is not far wrong. We love getting pissed. It's great. We actually, developed a new language for when we're drunk. No, its true. I'll give you an example.
    WhamumblefzzamzzmumbleCurryhmmfmzz$7, getouttaherefgrzzl.
    That means, excuse me, can you please direct me to the nearest train station. True story.

    England was made on cups of tea, Australia was made on a few blokes yelling Sh*t then throwing up in a gutter. But, despite all this, we're still really nice blokes. Unless you're a kiwi, a pooftah or a competitor during rugby season. Actually, that's another thing that we hold high. Sport. We rock at sport. Don't take that Olympic stuff seriously. Those people all have special training regimes and diets and steroids to help them compete. I'm talking cricket world cup, rugby world cup. Real sport. Honestly, if you don't play those, Aussie rules football or female naked mud wrestling, we don't want to hear it. Oh mate, don't get us started on that pansy Grid Iron crap. Mate, if those d*ckheads didn't wear all that protective gear, they wouldn't need it. And what is with that throw the ball forward stuff? If you're going to play a game, play it properly. Play rugby. Actually, Rugby World Cup is being held in Australia this year. Everyone is competing, so if you're from Europe, or the States etc. tune it to watch Australia wipe the f*cking floor with you. We rock at rugby. Any othe country would think "they must take drugs to be so supremely god like in every single thing they do", but its not true. Just beer.

    It might help to know that beer makes you attractive. True story. So if you have a hard time getting girls, trust me, beer will do the trick. Honestly, get drunk and go up to a girl and talk. Works, it really does. You sound witty, your jokes are astounding and everyone is impressed by you. Really, they are. In fact, I'm drunk now and you all love me. But yeah, get drunk, take her home, have sex and then kill her and hide her in the basement... oops, that was Saturday night. Anyway, drunk thats the key get drunk, no wait, not get drunk, get HER drunk. Thats it. Im always arsing about punchlines. Anyway, I'm off to the bar to have a drink, maybe get someone drunk, and who knows. Tonight could be as good as Saturday. Good Night.
     
  9. Kitrax

    Kitrax Pantaloons are supposed to go where!?!?

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    *clap*
    *clap*
    *slience*

    Ok, well...that was just great. I think. Anyway, I've contacted Elios and sooner or later he'll be here. So until he gets here, just enjoy your dinners, and relax. :rolling:
     
  10. Lazy Bonzo Gems: 24/31
    Latest gem: Water Opal


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    [​IMG] *laughs out loud many times during Baezlebub's routine* :lol:

    *Shouts out "You Rock!". Then offers to buy him a beer*

    Seriously that was really great!
     
  11. Kitrax

    Kitrax Pantaloons are supposed to go where!?!?

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    *Kitrax frowns*

    Just for that unauthorized post, you must now take the stage! Ladies and gentlemen, for his outburst, please welcome Lazy Bonzo on to the stage!

    *Kitrax has all exits sealed*

    Sorry pal, the rules are clearly posted...just try your best. :rolling:
     
  12. Lazy Bonzo Gems: 24/31
    Latest gem: Water Opal


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    *climbs onto the stage, rather unsteadily*

    Hello ladies and ladies, and more ladies, and men; i think you are anyway, I hope so. Oh and hi Kitrax.

    First off I have some advice to all men. When talking with your partner, or future partner if you are all alone, it is not clever to try and be funny by saying such things as 'Men mow, Women moan'. Yes it is an ok pun but it has some very serious repurcussion, I am attempting to save ye all from having to find out for yourselves.

    When I was 7 or 8 my mum used to make the best pizza, it was square but what the heck. Well, anyway, one day a couple of my friends were round and I made my first ever speech. I stood up, holding a piece of pizza in my hand and proclaimed, in a deep majestic voice:

    "The purpose *eat a piece of pizza* of a car *eat* is to........ *eat several pieces of pizza* move, *eat, eat* and it has secondary purposes *eat* such as the running over of small furry creatures *eat* while moving *eat*"

    Well I guess you had to be there. Did you notice I could've said 'y'all had to be there' but I didn't. Probably because I'm not a southern yankee, and I don't think y'all would fit in my lil old dinin' room. Ah dammit I said 'y'all'!

    Recently I came up with the humour of the future. This is an example of humour that in 200 years or so people will find incredibly funny. The best part is none of y'all, dammit, can prove me wrong. Now are y'all, doh, listening?

    Don't you just hate it when you see an offer in the newspaper that is something like this - Earn £100! Just walk for 30 seconds on our special walky thing, located in <place 2 miles away> anytime in the next 30 minutes and you've got your £100 no problem! - there the sort of advert that I see all the time. Well don't you just hate it when you rush out of your house and you find your car has been taken away by aliens, or the council, so you've got to run. So you run and run and run and run and run and run .... and run and run for 2 miles over hills and over rivers and over beavers and past the occasional ice cream truck. *pauses* THEN! Then you finally arive at the 'special walky thing' and as you are about to step onto the machine for your easy £100 your legs drop off. I really hate that! It's always happening to me, last tuesday in fact.

    *silence from the audience*

    Huh? None of y'all, find that funny? Y'all found that as unfunny as when a comedian keeps a joke going too long? I bet y'all hate that, I know I do. Well the point about the humour of the future is that no matter whether any of y'all, dammit dammit dammmit, found that funny there's definetly an audience somewhere in the future *stares into the mid-distance philosophically* yes in the future, where the ice cream flows from the taps and water trucks play their tinny but jolly melodies all summer, that found my tale most amusing. So there *blows raspberry at audience*.

    (speaking quietly but still outloud) Note to self: stop insulting your audience.

    *turns away from the audience. Rustle rustle. Turns back wearing glasses* Y'all wouldn't hit a guy in glasses would you? *backs away towards an exit* Err Y'all *slaps himself* been a great audience! So bye y'all *slaps himself repeatedly while cussing and cursing. Turns to look at the audience* Hey look over there! *points towards a random corner then makes a run for the exit*.
     
  13. Kitrax

    Kitrax Pantaloons are supposed to go where!?!?

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    *Kitrax opens a door to let Lazy Bonzo escape the crowd*

    Wow...that was more of a punishment for us than it was for him! Heh...just kidding. :D

    Ok, folks, while you all clam down from that last bit, I'm going to try and round up another comedian. So sit back and relax. :rolling:
     
  14. Baezlebub Gems: 18/31
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    I felt that this thread needed some reviving. We have some talent out there that is yet untapped. Anyway, PM kitrax for permission, or i will be forced to attempt it again.
     
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