The Enchanted Armoury

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After seeing the direction that the "Sex vs. your favourite game" is heading, I thought I'd post this list of a few...unusual items for your every adventuring need.

Enchanted Armoury

The Mighty Sword of Beaver Cleaver
This famous anti-rodent blade, hewn from the highlands of Canada has
returned to the shelves after its misuse by Dastardly Daneck, Elven Rogue
and Pervert, and the subsequent legal action by Madam Meredith's house of
dark pleasures. Blade recently cleaned.

Cruel Chetle's Clawing Cat Flail
Made from only the finest live cats, this flail not only hits hard, but
makes a great siren when whirled around the head.

The Great Zandozi's Shield of Invisibility
With the use of this guardian, no-one may see the wearer. Sneak unsuspecting
onto your enemies. Follow fair maidens without their knowing. Slay whole
armies with your phantom-like wrath. As new. Unwanted Christmas present.
Will swap for Sony Playstation.

The Razor-Edged Long Sword of Eyelash Curling.
Achieve the beautiful black curling eyelashes you've always dreamed of. As
used by Elf Supermodel Halana Christensohen, before her untimely demise.
Formerly known as Tharg the Merciless' Unholy Head Cleaver. Celebrity brain
slush and skull fragments included free of charge!

Dwarven +3 Dagger of Shaving.
Specially forged by the feral dwarves of Wilkinshire. This hardy blade will
shave as close as Mad Jack's Cheek Shearer or your money back. "I liked it
so much, I pillaged the company" - Viktor Silverhead.

Ethelred's Spitball Sling of Immaturity
Perfect for classrooms, or pre-battle conferences. This spitball sling is
guaranteed to hit any personage of authority directly in the open mouth.
Phlegm wad attachment sold separately.

Fool's Ringmail of Verbal Abuse Immunity
Walk down any street, safe in the knowledge that you simply won't be
bothered if you get called "Scurvy Dog", "Scourge of the Earth" or, more
commonly, "Stupid Bastard".

The Ensnaring Hair Net of the Minotaur
Will not only capture hapless enemies but will also ensure that your
between-horn mane stays tangle-free overnight.

The Crooning Hammer of Heindrich
With flaming attack force and the enchanted power of crooning. Melt your
enemies' hearts as you shatter their skulls. All the classics covered,
including "Wraith 'til the Midnight Hour", "When you're in love with a
beautiful Wyvern" and the eternal Melvin Gray favourite "Sexual Halfling".

Elwyn the Sidekick's Comedy Trident
With a very low strike force, this slapstick prop is perfect for any
light-hearted foil's day-to-day bum-jabbing chores.

Jagged Al's Spiky Castrator
No special abilities as such, but when you tell an enemy what you're holding
you're guaranteed that all-important psychological advantage.

Ethelred the Red's Scarlet Axe of Ham Slicing
Means that even tough wild boar can be sliced into perfect sandwich-sized
wafer thin strips. Perfect for packed lunches on any adventurer's quest.
(Will not work on Dwarven cucumbers)

Mrs Binnett's Shield fo the Enchanted Tea-Tray
Will not only prove a valuable aid in battle, but can also be used as a
serving device for those after-carnage Teas and Chocolate Macaroons.

The Small Pointy Stick of Abject Desperation
This sharpened twig is a top-of-the-range weapon for any unarmed warrior who
wants to make a sad and pointless gesture shortly before death.

The Broad Sword of Ultimate Clanging
Ensure that all your battles are heard for a radius of at least two miles.
This sword comes with a switch to emphasise three separate modes of battle:
Clanging, Swooshing and Squelching.

The Bottle-Opening Gauntlets of Power
You'll never again have to resort to passing that hard-to-open vial to the
nearest warrior, watching him blithely twist the cap off and then claiming
you "loosened it up for him first".

Wolfthraine's Lucky Tank Top
As worn during the quest of the poisonous purple wyrm, which turned out to
be the quest of the nymphomaniac dancing girls. Woven from a mithril/nylon
composite.

The Braggard's Falsehood Helm of the Untruth
Renders the wearer irresistible to beautiful women, endowed with the
strength of an army and with the potency of a thoroughbred stallion. As
modelled by No Way Joe, who not only socred the winning goal in the middle
earth pigbladder finals, but also slept with Cindy Crawford, Claudia
Schiffer and who could've had the change with, like, Demi Moore but didn't
fancy it. And Uma Thurman. Straight up. You ask him.

Death Hammer's Pointless Blade of the Dazzling Spectacular
Guaranteed to blunt in no time at all, and without any special abilities
this sword will not even scratch an elven child's butt cheeks. Death Hammer
assures us, however, that is looks "really neat" and "like, is the
business".

Magickal Library

Warlock Morlock's Magical Spell of Prosperity
Now you too can become fantastically rich overnight with these easy to read
runes. Wealth beyond your wildest dreams. Yours for only 5 million gold
crowns. Please make gold payable to: M. Morlock, Fraudsters Dungeon, Main
Prison, Tower, Arathoth Castle.

Ichabod "Blowtorch" Bunsen's +15 incantation of Anal Flame Strike
Invoke the ancient runes of anal flame strike at any party and watch your
guests' faces light up. Sire Bunsen cannot be held responsible for any
wounding, loss of life etc. caused by this spell.

Old Father Mudburger's Dung Elemental Summoning
Summon an entire army of waste egestion. Only to be used when outnumbered or
hideously constipated.

Alfonso the Great's spell of Nasal Hair Command
Water your enemies' eyes across any battlefield or alternatively never have
to pick your nose again.

Groldenmaktarr's +4 spell of Animal Friendship
Instantly become at one with the denizens of the forest with this simple
charm. Not to be confused with Groldenmaktarr's +5 spell of Animal
Friendship, which is now universally illegal, with the exception of the red
light shires of Amsterdale.

Pointless Raldan's Indian Tea Repellent
Will repel any form of indian tea at a resistance roll of -2. Other teas
unaffected. Reduced to clear.

Wizard Wilhelm's Dust of Twinkly Sparkle.
No iherent magical properties, but can make a nice diversion while you make
your escape. Also nice when making Christmas and Birthday cards, or when
attending "funk night" at the local Tavern.

Testicle Enlargement Spell of the Twisted Wizard
Impress the wenches and intimidate your enemies. Increase your testes to the
size of tennis balls with this simple-to-perform ceremony. Includes: 1
Wooden bat, 1 Bottle of smelling salt.

Sproutstorm of the Dark One
From ancient times comes the almighty hail of sprouts. Pelt your enemies
with small green vegetables and watch them writhes in agony as they are
forced to finish them before they leave the battlefield.

The Purple Fog of Fart Detection
Instantly identify the culprit of any vile odour, with this stainable
fog-cloud. See them squirm in embarrassment as the fog turns purple around
their hindquarters. "This thing has changed my life!": Lucky - King Gusto's
personal hunting hound.

Aldruid the Alchemist's Yellow Dust of Tangy Dip
Fizzes on the tongue, will pop and crack in many flavours and can also be
used as a high explosive. As demonstated by the headles horseman.

Wizard Nasty's Dust of Absolute Running
This powerful pheromone will make the wearer unconditionally sexually
attractive to buffaloes, wildebeest and male yaks.

Warlock Starsky's Runes of Encrypted Jive Talk
Encoding speech into a wild incoherent language. This Magick is perfect for
spies and thieves. Ain't no ****. No spells no work no thang and ma mamma
goes down like a mangy T-bone hound. Y'all.

Doctor Cyandie's Insta-Cone summoning of Evil
Produces an army of small red traffic cones which divert oncoming hordes
south towards Lordaeron on the B15 cobblestone bypass

Witch Glenda's Universal Anti-curse
This easy spell makes sure your party doesn't descent into colourful
language at inopportune moments. "Well I'll be buggered - the bastard
works!" - Pope Pius of Adderhime

Gifts and Novelties

Trollish Twin-Halberd Nail-Clippers
This super-sturdy manicure set will remove the hardies of troublesome
toenails and comes with an endorsement from the one and only Stumpy Jack,
one-legged warrior of the west.

Kasawaki 750 Turbo War Chariot
Four horse powered, and with a top speed of around six leagues an hour, this
top of the range run-around will get you from A to B, no matter how many
skulls are littered in your path like fetid debris. Airbags and ABS brakes
as standard.

Mithril Bumbag
Just the thing for looking after loose groats, this trendy mithril bumbag
will put you on the cutting edge of fashionable adventuring. Poison darts,
razor-sharp death daggers and highly volatile explosive potions can now all
be stored inches from your groin. One size fits all.

The Enchanted Codpiece of the Hydra
Captured many years ago by the legendary Jason and his Argonauts, this
seven-headed monster is guaranteed to keep even the most weary warrior "up
all night". "It's worked wonders for me!" - Vlad the Impaler.

(Batteries not included) Action Orc
The Action Orc is the six-inch high, genital free plastic battle grunt that
every kid desires. Comes with removable body parts, collapsible chest, twist
motion and internal voice box (Phrases: "Glog Tar", "Dar Boo" and the
obligatory "Zug Zug").

The Backseat "Nodding" Basilisk of Fear
When placed looking from the rear end of your chariot, this fearsome little
chap will keep even the most determined road-hogs from getting too close.

The Colostomy Bag of Holding
This comes in handy when the call of nature strikes mid-battle. Also handy
when faced with the backseat "nodding" basilisk (see above).

Gruel in a Basket
This rancid, after-dungeon insult to food comes in a stylish continental
wicker eating bowl. Served with a crusted baguette and a sprig of parsley.
"It's bloody horrible!" - Angus the Vomiter.

Mr Shiny's Non-smudge Warrior's Warpaint
Our unique "stay-put" formula means that you'll retain that glowing
complexion of battle even when your head is cleft in twain

The Dark Wizards of Hell Chess Set
Just one instalment of a mere 5 gold crowns and you'll not only receive the
underworld playing board but the first piece, "Satan our lord and master" -
absolutely free. 31 other instalments of yours, or somebody else's first
born son. You will have no legal rights. Failure to pay will result in loss
of lie. Shortly after that we'll send in the soul collectors.

Medusa's Novelty Condom Collection
Turns your man into a pillar of stone.

Rechargeable Frog
One charging lasts up to five days. Special offer, only two groats per frog.

Sanitary Towel of the Giantess
This super-thin tri-cross-weave winged gusset pad will let any 50ft+ woman
live her life with total confidence. Also handy when drying up enemy water
supplies in lengthy siege situations.

Trollish "Wrack 'n' Sandwich" Grill
Will not only stretch the tendons of victims beyond their pain threshold,
but will also leave them in two neatly divided delicious toasties. Great for
picnics or school packed lunches.

Toothbrace of Fist Attraction
Reduced to clear. "Take this bloody thing off me!" - Joey "Fatnose", the
Unfortunate.

Genuine Polymorph for Sale!
With the ability to change into any living thing, this polymorph is an
invaluable aid. Care must be taken breaking him in, however, as he's still
recovering from his last master, Winky the Wizard, who made him turn into
Erika Eleniak and "do wierd things" with Alsatians/Coke bottles/Toothpaste.

The Sacred Eye of the Holy Golden Dragon
This most fabled of prizes, older than time itself, was captured by the
legendary "warrior quest" party, five of which died hideously in the
process. Now, modelled into a stylish marble-effect ashtray with brass trim
and twin cigarillo rests, it represents a unique addition to any
mantelpiece.

The Enchanted Carpet
This magical Mat of Mystery is, contrary to what one would believe,
incapable of flight. It can, however, match perfectly with any 3-piece
lounge set or curtain drapes, even those pointless see-through Laura Ashley
rip-offs in your Auntie's spare bedroom.

The "Could Just Possibly Save Your Life One Day" Amulet
Renders the wearer totally invlunerable to both normal attacks and magical
attacks of any kind. *
*Providing it's the second Sunday of the month, you're fighting someone
whose favourite colour is maroon, who's wearing a leather bodice/silken
leggings combo and who is a registered member of the international Ted
Danson Fan Club.

The Boots of Air Walking
Simply jump up, put a ball in a hoop, make sure everyone gets a look at your
comedy footwear and watch the gold roll in.

The Cloak of Flapping About Dramatically
Become the envy of your fellow sorcerers as you swan about making Gandalf
look as dumb as Bela Lugosi in "Plan 9 From Outer Space".

The Questionable Vibro Club of Subversive Deviousness
With this +4-to-hit, latex-skinned, phallic sculpted warclub at hand
(complete with studded stimulators), even the most blood-hungry foes will
think twice before taking you on.

The Bastard Sword of the Vanishing
This Venom-Edged Axe-Sword hybrid is guaranteed to go missing immediately
prior to mortal combat. "Where's that Bastard Sword Gone?" - Deadmeat Kelly
(Deceased).

Gerhard the Gambler's Mighty Staff of "Holding Aloft"
This wooden broom handle has been festooned with many jewels from many lands
and, as a direct consequence, is nothing but a gaudy stick. But hold it
aloft in battle and its sheer visual splendour will send enemies running for
cover in dread. Probably. Dedicated to the memory of Gerhard the Gambler who
was, tragically, devoured by the giant mole of Quentith last Thursday.

The Phallic Substitution Sword of the Macho Man
Though it possesses a +5 flaming attack, the real power of this sword is
that it's guaranteed to be a full two inches longer than anybody else's in
battle.

The Banging Hammer of "Keep That Bloody Noise Down"
This massive maul, once carried by the Thunder Giant of Mogodon, is perfect
for slamming into the wall to let those students know just where they can
stick that Alanis Morisette Album they've been playing non-stop for three
days now. Bastards.

Hygenic Al's Swordblade Condom Set
In these times, only a fool would enter the bloodshed unprotected. Axehead
"French Ticklers" also in stock.

And now for some more magickal items and spells...

Gustar's Wind of Death
Requires 5 pickled eggs, two pints of stale Guinness, a pound of peanut
butter and a jar of "Chicken Tonight".

The Pre-Psychic Telepathic Appreciation Spell of the Mindreader
Lets you know what your subject thinks of your ability to know what he
thinks of your knowledge of what he thinks you're thinking he's thinking.
"Whoah. This spell is, like, really heavy ****." - Smoking Joseph the
Wanderer.

Everso Close and his Shape-Shifting Spell (Version 5)
Cast this magick and watch on in awe as one breed of sheep morphs into an
entirely different breed of sheep.

Lazarus the Necromancer's "Raise the Deadbeats" Command
Create a whole army of shuffling vagrants, who'll fight like wildcats, piss
in their trousers and hassle passers-by for spare change.

The Internationally Renowned "Hard-On" Summoning
This can unfortunately only be cast on an enemy in combat. But if they're
wearing tights they'll flee in embarassment (or you'll flee in fear).

Mother Summoning of the Wise Wizard
In a flash of light, any foe's mother is produced from thin air, leaving you
free to make your escape while he has his face cleaned with spit off a
tissue and has to endure stories of how he saw his first dragon at
thirteen years of age and promptly shat himself.

The Gaelic Runes of Riverdance
This one small sentence, which has been kept secret for over a thousand
years, instantly fills an enemy's anus with two ferrets coated in iron
filings. Watch in awe as the Kayleigh dancing begins...

[ January 08, 2003, 10:33: Message edited by: Maldir ]

 

How did you come up with all that.

They are pretty damn funny.

Mug of Vampiric Picnic:
This appears to be an ordinary mug. However, it has been magically enhanced to keep blood alive and warm. A necessity for any vampires picnic, or travelling warior who wishes to induldge in warm cocoa before sleep, with out having to boil the kettle.
Special: lowers save vs mouth cut by 3
20% chance of blades extruding from rim of mug while drinking.

 

Sexual Halfling?

 

With only that word Ragusa will come in the mood... or gets a buffer overflow