The most confronting way to be dumped?

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This was going to be going in Random Babbling but I just felt like more of a whinge than I thought would be suitable for that thread.

Anyway, I found out yesterday the way which I think is the most confronting way to dump somebody - by getting an AVO put on them. That may be DVO to many of you and something else entirely to others but just in case, it's an Apprehended/Domestic Violence Order.

The cops rocked up at my front door yesterday and initially I though that something had happened in the street as I had seen them a few houses down the street from me a few days ago. them they mentioned the AVO and I thought it was from the mother of my eldest son as she had mentioned, through her solicitor that she was looking to put one on me (God alone knows why because we live a few hundred kilometres apart). Then came the bombshell - it was from the girl I thoguh was my current girlfriend and it covers both her and our 29-month-old son.

Absolutely no hint whatsoever of anything from her beforehand, which is particularly strange considering we had spent the morning at the cinemas with some good friends of mine and their kids, going to see Shrek 2 - most of which I missed as I had to climb over her every 5 minutes or so to stop our son running amok in the cinema. Not to mention that I had spent all of Friday alone with my son and we had a great time.

Anyway, as I said in the last post I made in Random Babbling, maybe I should just ignore the outside world and see if it goes away. I guess I'm just not meant to be a father.


Oh, PS, don't worry, I don't think I'm suicidal as such, just anti-outside-world

 

Wow, that's really ugly. I'm torn between sympathy and bewilderment here. Is it just me or could it be the case that either you've got a poor knowledge of human (or at least women's) nature or that you are a bit of a dangerous bastard? No offence meant, but one AVO coming from an unexpected direction while you waited for one from a different girl... strange. You sure there's been no signs preceding this?

Anyway, I don't think being dumped could be more confronting. Next step would surely be being dragged out onto the street, kicked, and spat at...

 

Ouch! And on Father's Day of all days. That's rough.

Not sure if it's possible, but you should really try to fight that. She's got to have something beyond her word as proof, I'd guess, so hopefully you can get it dropped.

 

Am I correct in understanding that she spent the morning with you and later that day you got AVO from her?

If that's the case... well, I live by old rules and tough ones. If someone behaves like a friend while having launched legal procedure against you, it puts that person outside a certain bracket.

Some hysterical people feel hurt for God deigns to know what reasons and they believe that "justice" must be done no matter how. So they'll go to a court for their supposed justice and the exact charge is completely irrelevant. Especially without any sort of warning it looks like simple revenge.

At least you haven't got charged with rape like it happens to guys who dump a girl.

I'm not familiar with Anglo-Saxon domestic violence orders, is it only physical violence or does it cover shouting, being not nice and a general pain in the arse as well?

At any rate, in most countries you can sue people for false charges. Here, you can even have someone indicted for deliberate falsehood in reporting a criminal offence.

 

Whoa. Ouch dude.

You know, there can be no way it is legally possible for her to do that!

 

Well, to clear up a few things, I don't consider myself a "dangerous bastard" really, I mean, if someone wants to have a go at me, I'll fight back in the most non-physical and legal way I can. I guess I just have poor taste in women.

I've never hit a woman except with an ex when we would have playfights involving very light taps on the cheek. And I DO mean VERY light, as in feather-touch light.

What seems to have happened in the course of this AVO being taken out is that some time last week she made a complaint against me which I have since discovered is that I had assaulted her and had also assaulted my son. The only thing I have done with her that I can see may qualify as any kind of assault is
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on a couple of occasions she has repeatedly asked me to be a little rough in bed, saying she 'likes it sometimes' and it's only ever been at her request and only ever until she asks me to stop. And as for assaulting my son, well, I'm not saying I would never discipline him with smacking, but he's yet to do something which I feel warrants physical discipline. She's actually the one who has smacked him. Man, she even introduced the idea of the Boogeyman to get him to go to sleep!!

And as for the confusion I unwittingly caused in relation to the timing of the service of papers - we went to the cinema on Sunday morning, the cops rocked up on Monday afternoon.

The kinda comical thing that has since happened is that the friends who were at the movies with us have both offered to attend court with me as support even though the male of the couple has actually known my now-ex longer than he has known me!

And to top it all off I am of the, possible incorrect, impression that if this AVO goes ahead and is put in force, then in one fell swoop I will have lost both sons.

@chev: I'm pretty sure that AVO's cover pretty much the whole gamut of things that can be considered as violence against a person. Yes, that would mean shouting etc as well, but you'd have to be a pretty scared person to take one out on someone for shouting at you unless it's over a prolonged period or seriously intimidating.

 

Truly it is saddening to hear, though I do not know the situation other than your posting, my particular thought is that she must have an alterier motive!

Perhaps she did so in order to get another man she has interest in to pay more attention to her? Or perhaps to get some material items in the future from you (money, your home if you own one, ruin your reputation?!)?

Is definately best, in my opinion, that you look into this, and don't let it slide, as I know what happens when something that serious happens to damage your reputation, if you let it slide, it will return to bite you in the backside, perhaps if you think into the past you have with her, something happened that she made a drastic change, whether it was her attitude twards you, or, she showed interest in another that had nothing to offer her materially but she wanted him yet also needed your material items to live comfortably with this possible other.

This is my first thought, and I truly hope it is nothing near this, yet I hope this may help you some, and best of luck to you, and please keep your 'eyes peeled' for any signs of dirty deeds she may be trying to pull on you!!! Best of luck on your situation, Aldazar, I wish you well in clearing it up!

 

Seayers speaks wisely - you can't let it slide. If it's possible, you should sue her for the falsehood of that AVO. I don't know how it works in the US, but here in Poland that sort of thing is a criminal offence, so people can be indicted for that. They typically get short prison terms, most often suspended, some fine to pay and apologies to make in public, like in a newspaper.

First she wants it rough, then she complains about some vague violence. She files for AVO and goes to the cinema with you (I don't really think they do that on Sunday evenings). It's quite obvious the woman is unstable and seeks thrill.

The second motive is either greed or spite - as it's already been said. Whatever it is, using the law in their schemes is behind the line. She needs her wrists slapped. And she needs a different boyfriend. I'm sure she will come back with eyes full of tears and ask you to take her back when she looses in the court.

 

What does AVO mean?

[See original post, second paragraph - BTA]

[ June 23, 2004, 19:37: Message edited by: Blackthorne TA ]

 

Also, something I just thought of, start working on this as soon as possible!!! I say this because a situation I have been fighting for the last seven years that has hurt my reputation with the judicial and 'law enforcement' groups, (I had nothing on my record prior to this) has all but torn my life apart, and has affected my personality, temperment, and many other areas of my personal/professional life, all because I let it slide.

In short, my own brother was getting speeding tickets, driving without a licence and registration, and was using MY name and social to get out of it. The first time, about seven years ago, -I let it slide-, then, the second time, five years ago, he did it again, and last year, he did it twice, and even got arrested under my name and social! The last three times, I had no idea he done so, and ended up having my licence revoked from the department of motor vehicles, as they had (or so they said) no idea what was going on, nearly lost my job, lost a LOT of money going to the accursed 'court house', as I was guilty 'til proven innocent, and finally, after going to court eight times last year, found they STILL have not cleared my name.

So trust me here:

1)clear your name now, it will be a pain in the rump, I know, but in the long run, you will be better off!

2) I do not know this woman, but from experience, find another, this one REALLY sounds dangerous!

3) If she comes back to you crying, wanting you to take her back and act as if nothing happened, you really should think twice before contemplating such, as I saved my own brother from ten years of prison time after all this, thinking he was attempting to change, even saw him making attempts to (though was not for long) but in the end he attempted to steal a high dollar item from me, and even lied to our family about things that could have hurt my reputation with my family, and I hope, perhaps to help in sparing you from an equivelant or worse fate than what I have dealt with so far, and mine is not going away any time soon....

Again, best of luck, you have my prayers in this.

 

The funny thing is, I have absolutely no material worth at all unless you count about $4000 worth of CD's.

And it's possible that she has another guy lined up already, she has made a few comments to me in the past about some guy at the Playgroup she takes Riley to who was teaching MY son to ride a bike. And there's also a guy I used to be friends with who tried to get an AVO put on me after he threatened me and was always trying to break us up so he could have her.
But then, that guy had a real thing for other guys' girlfriends and ex's.

I'm actually due in court on July 6 to defend against the AVO and it looks like I may be turning up to court with about half the town there for moral support for me. So I guess she'll be at least a little intimidated by that.

And thanks for your support everyone, I just don't know for certainty where she's getting this idea from. As I've said, I'm just not a violent person, particularly not with my son.

 

If you have a job, she could use your child to gain child support, welfare, etc...., then find some lazy bum and shack up with, and they would not have to work hard, considering what you and the gov't would be giving her, then EVEN find a way to keep you from seeing your child, and not to mention if you cannot pay the rediculously high amount the gov't sets for you to pay, you go to jail....

It is becoming a popular way of getting easy money it seems, and yet destroys the one caught in it, usually a good person, as they try to trust others at face value, and do not see such a low-down, dirty scheme heading their way most of the time.

 

Going there with half your town supporting you might actually be a good idea. Men are typically regarded guilty until proven innocent in any sort of domestic violence problems, or violence or molestation accusations made by women. Even when proven innocent, they hardly are considered 100% innocent by everyone, anyway. The taint nearly always remains.

The more people you get to speak in your favour, the better. The same people might also testify in your favour when you sue her in retaliation, and you really should. And get her indicted as well, if only possible.

As for custody, it scares me to think that any human being could be entrusted to someone acting like that. She clearly is unfit.

The most important things to say in the court, I believe, is that you have absolutely no idea how she conceived it, that she is in for the thrill and was asking you to be rough in bed even though you didn't want to (and now is making up violence claims), and that she went with you to that cinema as some sort of a date as if nothing was going on after she had filed for AVO against you.

It's going to destroy her reputation, but it's her own problem, not yours. People who attack other people's reputation in such a way as she does need to have their own reputation damaged so much as to make them totally unable to attempt to destroy anyone's reputation anymore, as after a couple tries they might actually learn from their mistakes and succeed in making a hell of an innocent person's life.

It would be helpful to get her ordered to make some amends, like to admit in public that she lied, to have an apology printed in a local newspaper or to apologise to you in writing - whatever they order in such cases in your state. Not claiming any monetary damages will help you in this.

In Poland, the best way to clear your name is to make absolutely no monetary claims, absolutely not demand any prison terms etc. This gives you a very strong position when demanding public apologies and the like and people see you aren't in for money or revenge. But it may be different in other societies.

A brutal question: is she more sick or mean? Instead of pointing out her malice, you can suggest she needs professional aid. My bet is 50/50, but I don't know her.

[ June 24, 2004, 17:29: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

Does she know that you post here? If so, you may want to edit away some of the content of your posts. You don't want to give her any ammunition.

Anyway, good luck. I hope things work out for the best. Especially for your son.

 

She may know I post here but she wouldn't even have the first idea of how to find these boards. She's very computer-illiterate and needs to be given step-by-step written intsructions on how to find the most basic things outside of Hotmail.

Anyway, I've had experience (though only vicariously) through other guys' stories at Dads In Distress meetings that even if disproved, claims like thses can stay with you for a long time after.
And I'm also of the mind that the best way to achieve a result in your favour in court when it comes to family-related matters is to throw absolutely no mud at the other person and to do whatever is necessary to show yourself to not be a vindictive person. This includes not asking for severe atonement such as fines/prison terms etc.

And it's most likely that she is just 'unwell' as she has been diagnosed previously with Postnatal Depression, and I've been given a 'dressing down' after simply waving hello to another girl that I knew in the shops. For crying out loud, I even got in trouble for giving my closest female friend a hug hello or goodbye in front of this girl!

I think her problem is that she's not very mature - she's only 23 - and has only lived away from her parents twice for 6 months each time. Plus her parents are not exactly happily married and her father has actually 'put the hard word' on my mother a couple of times in the past, and her mother complained to a friend of hers that I am a bad father. The friend that was complained to just happened to be the mother of my sister's best friend and also a close friend of my mother so naturally the first thing this woman did was to call my mother and tell her.

Anyway, the parents may be behind this as well because they never really liked me - her father even threatened in the past that if I hurt his daughter he would "rip my arms off, stick them in my ears and ride me around like a bike".

 

Perhaps it's her parents' influence?

And the girl would be more than a bit immature if she's 23 and behaves like that. It wouldn't be mature for one in late teens even. So I think a disorder or two are a more likely explanation. The way she imaginates violence and cheating on your part suggests something is quite wrong in that area. Insane jealousy and victimising oneself is characteristic of people suffering from huge problems with self-esteem.

You may try to help her, but I wouldn't let her back if I were you. Humans have some mind and some reason and they aren't taken over by a psychological disturbance totally against their will. They always have to succumb to the agression within them, to their mean side, to their greed, lust for power/attention/goods, whatever. Only very serious grief in severe circumstance can pose an ordeal that your average Joe isn't able to survive if he should actually try. If it isn't a severe disorder, she's simply one of those people of weak will who give in easily to whatever emotions appear in their minds. Not a girlfriend material, definitely, either way. But disorders at least can be treated medically while egoism, meanness, greed et al needs a shock therapy served by life.

 

It most likely is her parents influencing her to some degree. Anyway, no matter what happens down the track there's no way she's getting back into my life as more than the mother of one of my sons, she's definitely did her dash as far as that's concerned when she had this AVO taken out on me. My entire family has washed their hands of her and my mother in particular has said that she'll never be allowed to even set foot in the door again.

And she certainly has some major issues with jealousy which I guess I may have provoked in some small way - she's of the opinion that once a couple breaks up then the only reason to stay in touch is if there's children involved and yet I am still very close friends with one of my ex's. In fact it's the very same ex I mentioned in a previous post with whom I had the playfights.

A very bizarre woman and glad to be done with her. I just hope everything goes well tomorrow. *me crosses fingers*