The Saga of the Thong

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In order to take the handoff given me by Splunge...so begins the Saga of the SP Thong...

“Arrr”, grumbled Tal, as he shifted in his expansive black, leather computer chair. His fingers walked upon the quilted arm rest until they found a slightly depressed round button. With an exhaled sigh, he sharply punched the button with his index finger, and his custom designed chair began to descend on its pneumatic lift. The whooshing sound of released pressure seemed to mirror his own deflating spirit as he left behind the banks of monitors arrayed across his ceiling. At those monitors he could oversee the continuous activity on the expansive Sorcerer’s Net world, over which he held unrivaled dominion, but today that absolute power felt empty.

Already on this day, he had to stay his hand from chastising some Newbie who sought advice on how best to “hump with Viconia”, and curbed his frustration to not post his patented “triangulated !”, with the curt response to do a search for past threads or consult this months “Maxim”. His problems were of a far greater magnitude than could be solved by the simple slapping around of some idiot poster, the very future of SP was at stake, and as the gleaming lift at the base of his chair compressed, the weight of the densifying air seemed to mock him.

As his chair settled to the main level of his palatial, computer controlled estate, he swiveled slightly to face a jovial man who stood at his right. The hydraulics in the base of his chair gurgled slightly as they re-set to await his next command, and the sound was matched by the disgruntled echo in his throat. His eyes narrowed as he regarded his longtime friend and Associate, Blackthorne BTA. Batman had Robin, Superman had Jimmy Olsen, Wonder Woman had her rope…and Tal had Blackthorne. Even as he felt an urge to unload his wrath on his faithful friend, Tal knew that such an act would be entirely inappropriate. In the subtle creak of Corinthian leather, Tal sat and waited.

“So, Tal, any ideas?” Blackthorne ventured, as he tried to smile in spite of his sinking hopes.

“No, I haven’t got any Bloody Ideas” roared Tal, forgetting for a moment he wasn’t English. “But I can tell you this, if we don’t find someone to model the SP thong in the upcoming Sorcerer’s Secret catalogue, we’ll all be having to post on the Warcraft site”.

Tal spun in his chair, and leaned forward to face BTA. “Do you realize what is a stake here, the entire future of SP depends on our ability to fulfill certain obligations with that Ad agency, and don’t make me remind you that they are French, with American attorneys”

Blackthorne’s shoulders sagged as the depth of the crisis struck him. As he regarded his own Nikes, he felt the eyes of Tal upon him, and looked up to see those same eyes burn into him. Involuntarily, he took a step backward, raising his hands in supplication as he stammered “Easy Boss, don’t look at me, I spend way too much time in my chair. We actually hope to sell some of these thongs, don’t we?”

Tal stroked his hairless chin as he murmured, “Yes, yes, you are right. I did order 40,000 units, after all. I could, of course, model them myself, but that would undoubtedly give away my true identity, and that can’t be allowed to happen” He took a furtive glance at his private photo gallery of current US Chief Executives as a slight smile touched the corner of his eyes. “But who then, BTA, WHO?”

As his voice seemed to echo across the expanse of the SP control room, a door on the far side flew open with a loud “Thwammm”. Standing in the opening was a pale, slight young man. With labored steps he began an exhausted trot toward the Seat of Power, and upon arriving, fell to his knees with a painful splat on the floor. His chest heaved and his face glistened with perspiration as he gasped for huge breaths of air. Repeatedly he struggled to form words, only to find that he could not project his voice.

Tal placed a loving and Godlike hand on the youths head, and bade him to “Go easy, young Beren. Gain your air, then speak of what you have found”. With his free hand, Tal slid 3 Oreo Double stuffs into Beren’s sweat stained tunic.

“Tal, milord, she will only agree to do it if SP provides a complete, matching outfit” groaned Beren, as he slid a crumbling cookie toward his mouth.

“DAMN THAT RALLYMAMA”, roared Tal as his hand slammed downward in fists of fury. Beren collapsed on the floor in a chocolate whimper, as BTA scurried to help the newest Moderator to his feet. “Ban her, BTA, kick her off the site, and let her name be never spoken again in the lands of SP”. Tal’s rage ebbed quickly, as defeated, he settled back into his mechanical chair with a flow as inevitable as the tide.

“Ok, BTA, she wins, buy her what she wants and lets put this whole ugly affair behind us. Better to drain the coffers of SP, than to face takeover by a French Everquest site.” As Tal spoke, he guiltily brushed crumbs out of Beren’s hair.

Blackthorne took one step to the side, and then another back. “But Sire, I mean Tal, we have exactly 17 cents in the SP accounts right now. You see, it seems that Splunge paid us with rolls of Canadian dimes, and those funds haven’t posted to our tab yet. Our banker says it may take 21 working days to verify the funds, and until that time we have very little room to maneuver”.

Tal’s glare was withering, and spoke more than any words possible. “Perhaps I need to exercise a bit more care when doling out “Member of the Week”. Thank you for your financial statement, but it does little to settle the crisis at hand. What shall we do, indeed, Hmmmmm”?

Suddenly aware of the silence, Beren looked up to see both Tal and BTA regarding him with meaningful stares. As a cookie fell from his frozen hand he stammered, “Wait guys, don’t forget, I’m Canadian…I never see the sun…I don’t even wax!” He looked with panic toward the still open doorway that now seemed a lifetime away.

In unison, Tal and BTA dismissed him with a “Harrumph”. Tal pivoted anxiously in his chair as he proclaimed to his faithful companions, “I don’t care what you have to do, find someone to wear that thong. This is the number one priority, do you understand! BTA, no more arguing in AoDA until this is settled, Beren, no more editing your friends posts until you have found and answer. I am going back to the monitors in the hopes that I can find some hapless idiot who will exchange the title of “Idiot of the Week” for a short photo session with Pierre”

With and angry slap, Tal pounded the lift button on the arm of his cyber-chair and shot skyward in a blast of blowing air. As the underside of his seat receded from view, BTA and Beren regarded each other with a tired yet meaningful look. BTA patted Beren on the back as he laughed “you wanted to be Moderator, huh”, and in unison they turned toward the gaping door. As they trudged across the lengthening room, both knowing that a quest of biblical proportions awaited them “out there”, each was glad for the experience that they had gleaned from hours of playing BG. Somehow they would seek out companions, gain better weapons and level up in the endeavor to fill the SP thong.

To be continued….

 

LOL!

Very nice! You even changed the setting, instead of ripping off Shralp like I did.

And yes, it appears they fell for the old "Canadian money instead of the real stuff" trick; works every time.

I'm looking forward to Part 2.

 

LOL very funny, i also am looking towards part 2 (if Tal allows it ofcourse )

 

Brilliant!

What happened to Tal's porn movies? I do recall Shura watching them some time ago, surely he couldn't have had such a change of heart about wearing thongs?

 

Pretty nice

 

WEE!

This is awesome!

*slaps herself*

Don't... go... there...

Nevermind.

 

Tal's porn movies?

Never heard of them.

Great post, by the way!

 

lol, now I know why this was filtered at school.

 

Lol!

[naive newbie voice]

Does Tal really have that funky chair as decribed above? Is it enchanted? +1 or +2? Will there be a mod for BG2 so I can use one? D&D rocks!

[/naive newbie voice]

Hehe, very funny

 

good stuff, good stuff. *is overcome by laughter* I think it's hilarious.

 

*Waves hands around*
Remember back, back to the One Word Story, and ye shalt remember [snip]

[Removed a reference to an act inappropriate for PG-13 purposes] - Beren

[ December 02, 2003, 20:16: Message edited by: Beren ]